Name: Ep 344 - Lemaire Wants to Cuddle
Uploaded: 2021-04-22T04:23:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 344 - Lemaire Wants to Cuddle' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 344 - Lemaire Wants to Cuddle' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-22. Transcript available.

Ep 344 - Lemaire Wants to Cuddle

here we are dude coming at you from a place of abundance dude what the fuck is
that what was he
doing hit you with the nerd lemon face he did dude you know just looking see i
love nerd out
every now and again this is insane oh this naruto shirt this is fucking sick
dude wait how do you
say naruto naruto is that how you actually said it wasn't naruto i thought it
was naruto i actually
got i got uh i think i might have only heard you say it i got corrected i got
corrected yesterday
but mya runs britney oh another black nerd maya runs with her hands back like
this and i was like
naruto she's like naruto and i'm like damn that's how my nephew runs yeah yeah
hell yeah all little
kids do it it's so fucking funny what uh what's his name did uh q did you watch
q no i didn't see it
the fucking uh dork ed is that his name what's his garden what are you doing
over there get it
you should know this one of the q the guy who like founded a chance he's a fat
dork and he ran like
that he was like let's do the naruto run and like oh it gives you speed dude it
does not like this it
cuts the wind when you go like this wind is the last piece of resistance you
need to worry about
you're more of an earth bender yeah you're a couch bender
mattress bender they should do a uh a race they should do just a naruto blast
race dude just
fucking yeah remember when they uh stormed area 51 like a couple years ago they
all naruto ran
towards air 51 like a bunch of people like this like where they got shot down
they got shot no no
they can't shoot nerds like if the u.s government shoots nerds then they'll
like reveal all their
evil plans yeah like you know true yeah yeah possibly yeah and also all the
nerds were cowards none of
them like tried to run past security or nothing of course as soon as security
came out they're like
oh yeah you gotta respect security they all started tapping their chins nerds
do respect
true all authority they do especially like a mall cop yeah
someone slightly bigger than them yeah they're just like true i mean that is
nerd that is like nerd
police mall cops that's like it's all you need is a stern warning as a nerd you're
like
yeah you're in there looking at like hey you're gonna buy a video game you're
gonna play the sample
console and they're like oh yeah fuck busted they won't let me play rock band
anymore i gotta go
dude nerding out on the sample console that's the power move dude go to fucking
oh it was so nice
though when you were a kid dude when your mom had to go buy her dumb bullshit
yeah it's like mom
you're old you're ugly get a hoodie die get an eeyore crewneck sweatshirt stop
trying to buy clothes
but yeah they but then they started putting nerd games as i remember when i was
a young man they would
have nice cool games yeah man because only cool guys played video games like a
madden yeah it'd be a
madden or a 2k yeah 2k football game quarterback club oh dribble a sega
quarterback dreamcast
can you imagine a dreamcast i never got a dreamcast that's all i wanted that
was awesome fuck
now look at me i mean dreamcastless you gotta get one dude you're like 80 bucks
now
sorry i'm not gonna be swinging too hard i got a lot of zyrtec floating in my
system do you really
are you tranquilized fucking crushed are you tranquilized yes what so what do
you think you're
allergic to pollen all right crushes me yeah mine comes like in the midsummer
so i don't know whatever
that is i don't know allergies yeah my allergies are midsummer what do you how
ragweed oh ragweed
damn ragweed comes up and gets me yeah yeah he doesn't buy like the pollen or
whatever i also i
you know i've um i was reading about a guy who claims that when you get old as
soon as your sight
starts losing or start starts going don't wear glasses he said if you just go
without the glasses
for like a week he's like it's gotta be real careful and you have to be like
you have to be
praying the whole time too yeah but if you just pray he's like dude i drove for
two weeks i could
barely see he's like but the lord let me see what i needed to see oh nice he's
like my vision
came back he said his vision came back he said he knows three other people who
did the same thing
stopped they just went no they're like fuck it didn't wear any glasses and this
is a vision
or they just adjusted or they're fibbing blurry what dude as long as you're
always in congress
with the lord you're safe that's what i'm saying yeah that's what dude i'm
telling you i'm not
taking zyrtec this year i'm like i'm just gonna go without it see what happens
so far i had a
couple sneezes today on my run i sneezed got a dirty look from some fucking dork
really just there's like
dude it's like they just like repeat characters around me it's just old guys it's
just like old
fucking white guys who are just deteriorating from inactivity from just like
just like fourth
generation trust fund yeah just walking by like hat glasses and gloves like i've
gotten dirty looked
like that by clue characters for the last year and a half from sneezing what's
curdled mustard yeah
whatever that guy's name was you just come by there's like you're like i'm not
even close today
clue from clue whatever right you sneeze on a run you just see four like
fucking like bent over
80 year old white dudes who are just like just liberal pussy grandpas just
fucking what could be
worse scat yeah dude and a man that's like pussy grandpa a male liberal yeah
over the age of 40
oh fucking pathetic yeah it's true very it's really pathetic something you're
supposed to give up in
your teenage years something you're supposed to grow out of you're supposed to
grow out of it at least
by 25 at least 25 is the latest and then yeah start hitting 30 i went a little
late
i went a little late i still had it in me though every once in a while i'd see
something and be like
oh yeah i'm not liberal i'd think something to be like i don't even think there's
a party for this
well there's that old there's that old saying everyone everyone's a communist
with their family
and like a you know a liberal with their immediate friends and then a
conservative with strangers
you know come on now you must be full of yourself after that patriot got
sentenced
you look like the cat who's swallowed the bird
dude i'm just i'm justice dude that's all you gotta know about all i care about
is justice
justice dude got served finally finally well well well now we're even all right
you guys can quit your goddamn bellyache all right there's two black wins in
law history oj and this
one well oj you guys that was a cheat look hey he cheated on that one he didn't
even want the win
from you guys oj yeah justice no oj wanted white justice dude he wanted and
technically he got it
he was rich enough that he walked he did get white he did get white justice i
don't know dude johnny
cochran's pretty black was was pretty black what's he doing now uh in congress
with the lord
depends how you feel about uh him you know depends if you're that lady's family
that oj cut her head
off uh true if you ask them i'd say they're they're probably like johnny cochran
he's probably in hell
yeah he's down there but he's dead i know he's dead i think he's in congress
with the lord right now
probably hanging with jesus jpc dude so don't put put that glove on jesus you
can't quit
just telling them yeah well i you know you guys are laughing at all but we can't
fucking lose our
vigilance dude we gotta follow court cases we gotta follow national spotlight
court i'm all over it i'm
on the one now oh yeah new one yep i've got my eyes like a hawk on that one why
what are they doing
why are they doing what happened and then when you hear the story you're like
oh shit it is funny
it is always funny i looked at the headline it was just like young girl shot by
police i was like
fuck dude and then i clicked the link and it was like while stabbing someone it
was like all right
every once in a while you gotta give the cops they got one right that was that's
a classic damned if
you do that's a classic damned if you do oh yeah that's a damned if you do i
should have ran away
dude you should be like i was never here what the fuck if look if he did that
he'd be like
he would be in less trouble like honestly no he'd be in the same thing like
look at these cowards
there's time to serve that's what cops do like they don't they don't have to
put their life in
danger they can wait till the shit's done and then get out there and like solve
it yeah i wonder why
i wonder why they would do something like no no they've been doing it like it's
always existed
it's like it's always existed as a cop thing like it's like uh what do they
call they call
people who are going to die from their um inactions as likelies like that
person's a likely meaning
they didn't do what they could to help them but they're going to die after they
stop the crime
where'd you get this from npr jesus oh yeah that's good i was thinking it might
have been your street
knowledge i was going to defer to you due to your street knowledge i don't i
don't claim any street
knowledge i know i don't claim yeah obviously who told you yes who told you
that obviously the big
homie npr yeah but yeah the um yeah i don't know pretty cops are usually pretty
good what
what no i like cops dude i like i don't hate cops i like them i just like it's
just like there i think
there's some things that could be worked on so you're sitting there it sounds
like something i
might say girl hasn't i know the other so girl has a knife she's going for the
other girl what do
you do as a cop hey guys stop you're there yeah you gotta you're just like a
stranger you're an armed
civilian armed civilian with you have a gun yeah i'd say hey this is going down
it's going down on
your property oh my this is your property so you you're within your right okay
i'm not gonna shoot
them okay so girl girl got stabbed dead no that's your land you get sued push
her i'm gonna get
involved what if you're far you're too far to push then that girl's dead i can't
i'm not shooting
yeah i bet yeah i wouldn't shoot but i'm not a cop i'm not a cop i wasn't
trained to shoot yeah
yeah that's true true yeah yeah that's uh 100 if i witness that in real life
yeah there's zero chance
i'm shooting that person holy shit that lady's stabbing that lady oh fuck i'd
call the 9-1-1 and
then let the other girl run away i'm like cool we can also apparently the girl
who was um thrusting
a knife in the air was the one who called the police which it always bees your
own people
you know what i mean that was a bit of a puzzle dude call the cops and be like
i'm fucking stabbing
someone apparently there was a fight going on and that girl was like i'm gonna
take it upon myself to
break this up well bust it out she was apparently carrying a kitchen knife can
i ask where they
wait it was a what kind of knife was it was it i think it was like a steak
knife if i do find out
this was a butter knife this stuff wasn't a butter knife all right although was
it a two two black
children arguing i think so okay so i know how this happened they were fighting
in the house and then
one girl was like i'm gonna call the cops if you leave and she's like bitch
call the cops and she was
like you know what i'll call the cops myself and then she called them and then
killed her
but they did kill her for this she was gonna kill the other girl you know maybe
maybe she might have
just been faking the fuck if she stabbed her a couple times then yeah yeah yeah
for sure yeah
for sure it's not like uh it's the okay the argument for that was the like what
about like
kyle rittenhouse or like dylan roof or like you know like that's the argument
for that yeah or any
of the other black guys arrested for murder that are in jail for murder
sometimes they go to jail
for murder yeah you know yeah or anybody else that's yeah sure yeah what's what's
what's the
argument dillmer if they didn't kill him no they got a burger king that was
that was