Name: Ep 345- We was Spermz
Uploaded: 2021-04-27T13:46:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 345- We was Spermz' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 345- We was Spermz' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-27. Transcript available.

Ep 345- We was Spermz

wild wild west i'm not ready yet okay let's go yo i was like jeez how are you
pretty good dude
i chickened out i didn't do it yeah i went upstairs and just faked it i laid up
there
the whole time was like you just smoked a little bit of pot yeah i smoked cbd
weed and just laid
there oh man well you're probably chill as fuck though true my allergies have
reached stage i'm
in stage four are they bad stage four damn really it's my life terminal they're
terminal i have a
month your allergies are terminal these allergies continue this way i have one
month you might seize
up your sinuses you might have to get your sinuses just removed just go full
michael jack that's what
happened to michael jackson yeah his allergies got so bad they're like we have
to remove your nose
mr jackson you have to turn your skin white and remove your nose he was like
god damn it that sucks
these goddamn allergies man i ain't getting no goddamn allergies you know that's
how michael jackson talked
a lot of people don't know that before he had allergies yeah yeah he started
talking all white
and shit true they're like all right you'll see movies about whales and he was
like i guess i will
ain't no goddamn nowhere yeah man dude i wish like someone could have given him
zyrtec dude
side effect of bad allergies dude before they take your nose apparently you get
into pedophilia yeah you
can't breathe through your sinuses that ain't right that ain't right for you to
say that about michael
what about michael about doing pedophilia yeah i have the proof dude that michael
did it i've seen
the videos of him and macaulay calkin it's pretty clear macaulay claimed no of
course dude what a good
friend paid what a good friend though that's why there's home alone four dude
true there's a video
i mean again i don't i'm not going to say for sure but i did a little
investigation one time there's a
video mj hanging out with macaulay calkin yeah and he's holding a water balloon
and michael jackson's
going like this if i was sitting there talking to you and going like this to
the tip of a water
balloon he's like jerking it really yeah well again maybe you just just like
the texture just jerk
stuff yeah it would do they were going on vacation together they're having fun
as boy calkin was like
five dude dude that'd be so sick if your best boy was like a child true okay
now you're now you're
if your best friend was a toddler a five-year-old you like just told him
everything yo mom and dad don't
worry i got him we're going to cancun like i love your son not like that yeah
as a promise it's not
like that as a friend like there's just something in him that i as a 35 year
old work world-class
entertainer feel like we have a bond and we need to go to the bahamas damn
think about how horny michael
jackson must have been when he saw home alone oh it was just like holy that's a
piece of
ass seeing him invade all those adults i gotta get that little motherfucker
yeah dude that was like his rmb
chick that is funny did he see home alone before he bluffed michael mccauley i'd
have to do a little
more investigation i think it must have been after probably i don't think michael
jackson i don't
think he just kind of i don't think he was on his radar until yeah home alone
hit he only had the
primus to that blockbuster hit damn mj just in the theaters like oh this guy's
such a good actor
i want to get to meet him i want to be his friend man i'd like to meet that
little motherfucker oh
shit i'm gonna fuck his ass uh look before we get into your journey yeah which
we're gonna cover
matt went on a very i'm gonna hold it down like i didn't cbd deep dive i
chickened out uh i do need
to address that i am fuming my car got towed this morning because i am in fact
a fucking idiot you
parked illegally i did park and you paid the consequence i paid a significant
consequence
how much was it 175 350 what for me to get the car and get it out now i had one
i had a previous
ticket before that but it was for like 70 they got me dude it's supposed to be
they had that car for
like two hours yeah okay yeah you didn't get hit with any daily storage it was
yeah not only that the
forget the fees do you think do you think the sass you got sass every step of
the way there was sassed
what the ppa they're sassy i know dude they have have you been to their secret
hangout their hideout
multiple times the philadelphia electric company multiple times they have a
secret hideout yeah it's
an old abandoned factory and then there's just black ladies sitting around and
just being mean blue
uniforms they just they hire they don't have they're literally just out front
yeah there was a lady out
front with a thermometer dude this is in a parking lot by the river in an
abandoned factory and she's
like on the phone on the and then i came watch she finished the conversation by
oregon ave because
i might have went to the other place this was off delaware f the place i went
to was off but i don't
remember i remember just being some weird like lot and like it was like a
building like it was like
well there's a giant the old abandoned philadelphia electric factory company i
don't know i don't
remember i've been there multiple times i've like kissed cars goodbye in that
lot oh yeah i've gotten sass
given i've given sass though i gave a lot of sass well it's just crazy because
i was having a sassy
weekend this was a bit of a payback i was sassy were you really yeah dude fuck
fishtown fuck all
those hipster pussies hipsters are the i mean i know that's played out to be
like yo hipsters suck
they suck ass we're we're in fish town where you always i've been by chinatown
so maybe that's not
fish town but i've been enough with the fucking hipsters i'm on the border they're
tough yeah when
i stood jujitsu up there you see him and again i know what you're saying you
don't want to be like
dude i got input but you see them and you're like dude like i got my hair that's
a question did you
sit there did you really plan your outfit out for like 45 minutes fine enough
you came out in a three
piece i'd be like oh bro you're looking sharp but you came out like you planned
an ironic outfit for
four hours and went outside it's like dude what are you talking about that's
good gear
what it's good gear true also dude oh we'll get into it because i you know i'm
uh
sorry well you're talking personality i had to go get i had to go get my hair
did okay looks great
by the way thanks bro got my hair did in that was in fishtown so you're sassing
hissters hips while
i'm in there yeah obviously i'm a patriot i take my mask off a probably 30 year
old dude sitting next to
me in the chair next to me goes he leans over after about five minutes also i
was talking to rick
about uh billy yeah i was like dude billy because i billy wanted to find a new
place to
get his hair did so i was like get a rick job dude yeah and he i was talking to
rick about it i was
like but billy's there's no way billy's gonna wear a mask in here yeah and he
was like okay and
we were just joking that billy was a patriot yeah it's like he's never gonna do
it and this whole
time i can see this little burning dork looking at me through the mirrors just
like he was glancing at you
through the mirrors yeah and then finally he leans over after about five
minutes of me not wearing a
mask and he goes you can curse me all you want but could you please wear a mask
and i was like i hit
him with the chris farley i was like what like i had no idea what he said i
thought he i responded
laughing when he started talking to me i was like yeah yeah and then i was like
wait what did you say
he's like could you please put your mask on i don't care what you have to say
about me
and i was just like dude yeah i'll wear the mask you weirdo whoa man it's like
that's it's cove it's done bro get over it i mean bro imagine coming out of a
five grand mushroom
mushroom session forgetting what money is and then coming out into a world
where people wearing masks
and you're like what's this about that was nuts dude i bet it was weird it was
not as weird as a
30 year old man being like could you please wear it it was a man yeah it's
tough he's a little short
guy too he's a little tiny guy so that might have been don't be don't be well
no he was a tiny guy
that might have added to his like you have to follow them no he's just being a
dude it was just
that's just dudes being pussies and now it's cool to be a pussy hipsters love
following the right like
rules the the anti-fascists love following the rules it's very funny yeah anti-fascists
love
coordinating and wearing i would say almost vaguely militaristic outfits and
then go like physically
forcing their ideology on people which is anti-fascism yes for the record which
is a very
anti-fascist thing to do to match outfits and be like let's go push our ideas
on people with physical
force it's like well that's called fascism bro that's literally fascism they uh
yeah dude so then i
go battle another then i was bad on the hipsters elsewhere i went to a bar by
my place my what i'm
saying prohibition prohibition tap yeah yes yeah hipster mls was on the tv blaring
so you're like this
is dangerous territory as soon as i saw the portland timbers on tv i was like
oh there's some heavy
stalinists here yeah for sure there's some there's some fucking the bolsheviks
are afoot yeah they're
making moscow mules that's why i call them that true all right you had the reds
on it was red the
red mccarthy all weekend dude so after we filmed a sketch it's gonna be tight
yeah it's gonna be so
tight probably there's tables of six there was one table and then we were
separated obviously by like
sheets of plastic and crazy shit and then another table and we were like it was
our group yeah we were
a group of like 10 so we were separated nothing gets my appetite up like uh
setting the place up
like a c-section yeah it's yeah like a red cross hospital you know i mean it
looks like a war hospital
so then i went over and sat with o'connor and the other guys and then went back
to my table and this
bitch like ran over to me first off oh my god get me going she enforced you
there was a
a pear-shaped gentleman giving me awful guff the anti-fascists are all built
like fat lesbians every
single one of those dudes is a yeah bull you know what i mean for sure i'm not
gonna finish it but sure
they are and they give girl attitude yeah and i was with like i was with my
manager in this other they
they were they were like feminist new yorkers sure and i was like the
the feminine energy on this guy and they were like what i was like shut up you
know what i mean
dude he's acting like a it's not good he came out i was like do you have any
like light beer on tap
he's like no and it's like dude what the fuck kind of answer like that was our
first interaction
he's like do you want anything to drink i was like do you guys have any light
beer on tap
he's wearing a mask he just goes no and then looks for other people you should
have
like is there another waitress here yeah true are there any other women the
word waiter doesn't
exist it's just waitresses that was a wait is there another waitress that can i
have another waitress
please i will say this though he heard us he heard us trashing him and he came
back with a better
attitude what he came back almost condescendingly and they'd be oh great yeah i'll
get that for you
right away so he saw that he saw you guys domed him and he saw he showed out he
did so he was you
were getting that was brat correction dude we you guys just scratched his kink
he just wanted to be
corrected he was being a brat you guys daddy they were the biggest pussies
there this waitstaff
i dude i was fuming i've never been fuming like where have you been for the
last like two years
did you know i don't go to hipster places yeah that's the that's the move i don't
go there
and this place there was another two tables that were right next to each other
around the corner 