Name: Ep 346 - Operation W.O.K.E.
Uploaded: 2021-05-06T21:30:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 346 - Operation W.O.K.E.' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 346 - Operation W.O.K.E.' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-06. Transcript available.

Ep 346 - Operation W.O.K.E.

Wow, wow, Wes.
Hell, yeah.
That's going to be a real dud of an episode.
We're live, dude.
346.
It's not going to be a dud, dude.
I'm sorry.
Come on.
Sorry.
It's going to be good.
Episode 346?
This is natural, yeah.
346.
That number's not.
Yeah, we also gave ourselves about 100 extra just to look legit.
That's like when you start comedy, like, how long have we been doing?
Like, six years?
The goal is in six months to match Rogan.
We're going to make episode 1,249.
That's smart.
Yeah.
You're like, damn, these guys mean business.
Yeah.
What's up, bro?
Oh, are we gone?
Yeah, dude.
Oh, shit.
We're live.
We've been live.
Oh, shit.
We've been live this whole time, dude.
Yeah, what are you doing here?
I don't know.
What are you doing in New York?
I don't know what I'm doing in the gayest city in the world, dude.
Damn.
Damn.
I mean, there's a lot of gays.
You're not completely wrong.
This is last night when we walked through that park.
What was that park?
Washington Square Park?
Yeah, pretty gay down there.
What's going on?
Just gay.
Just gay stuff.
Just like dudes wearing masks and stuff?
I'm kidding.
Skateboarders and jugglers.
Pretty gay.
Francis, you ever go down there?
You seem like a guy.
I love that park.
Yeah.
Shane acts shocked when I saw that park.
One time I went there on 420, and there was a big group of black guys passing
around joints,
and I smoked it with them, and it was the most diversity I've had.
That's pretty cool.
Nice, man.
But one of them-
Francis Ellis, everybody.
This is our guest.
One of them had a joint.
It was like one of those-
Biggest joint I've ever seen.
Really?
A bunch of black guys are the biggest joint you've ever seen?
And then we were all passing around, and everyone was Snapchatting themselves,
being like, look
at all the weed I have in my mouth.
Damn, dude.
Yeah, it was fun.
That didn't happen to us last night.
Not this 420, no.
Yeah, that's like a lost-in-the-hood porn.
Well, you ever hang out-
Yeah, you almost got blacked.
Yeah.
Man, the quality on those videos, by the way.
I don't know how they do it.
Pretty good.
The quality is so good on those videos.
It's incredible quality.
Those gentlemen are-
I think that's Isis' old producer.
Well-
They invested back into the product.
And our other guest, Ari Shafir, we wanted to get the two least similar guests
possible.
That's pretty close.
Francis and Ari.
Harvard lacrosse.
Barstool.
Ari Shafir.
Harvard lacrosse or holocaust?
Yes.
One time I saw Ari walking out of Home Depot.
Do you remember that?
Yeah.
On 23rd Street?
Yeah.
And I crossed the street to say hi to you.
And you had your arm full of light fixtures or something.
And I was like, hey, Ari, good to see you.
And you were like, uh.
That's a pretty good impression.
You were spooked.
You were spooked by me.
Yeah.
And I was like, I work at Barstool.
It's been, you know, we've met each other at the office and you're like, okay,
whatever.
And I think-
You have a light that shines off you.
You had a cast on your arm too.
Remember that?
You had a what in the arm?
Yeah, I remember that.
You had a cast on your arm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He was injured.
What happened?
I killed it, dude.
No, really?
Yeah.
I don't remember.
I could kill it in life, so.
Did you fall?
Yeah.
I skied my fucking ass off.
Oh, that's right.
I lost the race right there.
Maybe you guys are similar.
There you go.
You hurt your arm skiing.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, no.
It's just fucking fun.
You ski?
You guys ski?
I haven't skied since I was eight.
I thought I could ski.
I went with a lady up to Killington in Vermont and immediately fell off the
lift.
You fell off the lift?
I couldn't get up.
Really?
I was like a fat turtle.
Top of the lift?
At the top of the bottom.
No, on the way up, I was like, oh, shit, I don't know how to ski.
And you jumped?
No, it's like off the lift.
Dismount.
You dismount.
Yeah.
So you fell off the dismount?
Went straight and fell while everyone, like people had to get out of the way.
What was your next move?
Stand up.
It took a very long time to stand up.
And then just slowly get down the hill.
Did you pizza?
Yeah, I pizzaed the whole way.
Dude, that's a moment.
I didn't fall again, though.
Dude, I mean, a good pizza will keep you from falling.
Yeah.
That's one of those moments where you're like, hey, sorry, we have a noose over
here.
Like, sweet, thank you.
I'll take it.
And the girl, yeah, the girl I was with peed her pants when I fell and couldn't
get up.
It's so fucking funny.
She literally wet her pants.
Laughing at you.
Yes.
Just standing above me, cackling in a snowsuit.
That's how every, like, bad guy from 80s skiing movie is made, dude.
It's just like you're just down at the lodge, dude.
I'm going to build a fucking development.
I fell off one drunk.
It was with Vernazisi.
Really?
Yeah.
And he was on the one ahead of me.
And then I went on and I was, like, trying to, like, get my pole.
Like, the high-level move where you put your poles underneath you.
And then I kept, like, and then it just pushed me.
And I was just down.
And some guy fucking shoved my head down.
Because the thing was going to hit me.
He's like, idiot.
Yeah.
I'm trying to roll.
And they're like, stop the lift.
Fuck.
No.
And then Vernazisi is like, it's Ari Shafir.
Ari Shafir.com.
You can check out all his dates.
Come on, dude.
Damn.
Damn.
Jewish skiers, I don't think.
No.
Seems like you guys ski a lot.
We just don't go high-level.
We don't go high.
We don't go, like, compete.
But, yeah.
We all ski.
Ski tennis skiers.
Yeah.
Really?
One of the best ski lodges in the country is actually called the Stein Erikson
in Deer
Valley.
Really?
I ran into Mitt Romney in the Waffle.
Yeah.
Have you ever skied Jack Frost, though?
No.
Big Boulder?
Are these real?
Yeah.
They're the Poconos, dude.
Sounds like a bad list.
They're some of the premier skiing.
Yeah.
If you know a little about skiing, Jack Frost, Big Boulder are the top places
in the Poconos,
Pennsylvania.
Okay.
Isn't the Poconos pretty good?
No.
Apparently it's not.
Remember I told you I can do a black diamond?
Yeah, I know you're wrong.
Poconos black diamonds are, like, if you go anywhere else, they're, like, a
blue square.
I know you can't do it.
You don't think I'm a black diamond skier?
No.
Dude, I can definitely.
When's the last time you went skiing?
I've shredded diamond.
Actually, I thought it was, when I was eight, I went skiing.
That's when the ladies, my skiing struck.
You took a black diamond when you were eight?
The pants, no, no.
Because I did it when I was 14.
That was the only other time after that.
That's when I was doing it, and on the way up, I was with, like, some old man.
He, like, was smoking weed.
And I was, like, can I hit that?
And he let me smoke weed with him.
Really?
Fuck yeah, yeah.
It was 14.
Oh, nice.
Crushed black diamond that day.
It was tight.
The time before that, I got actually, I literally got ran over by a snowboarder,
and I cried
on the mountain.
I was, like, I'm never doing that again.
He tried to do a, I had fallen.
He tried doing a jump and just fucking trucked me.
This is, like, one time we were sitting there.
Me, O'Connor, and Beezer were in our living room watching, like, the X Games
were on.
We were watching snowboarding, and Beezer was, like, I can fucking drop in on
that and hit
that.
We were, like, dude, no, you couldn't.
What the fuck?
And he, to this day, is, like, oh, yes, I could, dude.
No.
Dude, Jack Frost, Big Boulder, is different.
You could do a black diamond there.
I went to New York one time, up there to ski, and I, like, I was, like, I can
do a black
diamond.
I had to, like, just sit on my butt and, like, slide down.
It was terrifying.
That sounds like an on-location fucking challenge.
Dude, we could ski.
That would be sick, dude.
Yeah.
This winter, I'll go for it.
I'd love to see what you wear to ski.
I bet you the gap.
I wore this.
I wore jeans.
The gap between his goggles and his helmet is so wide.
What a helmet, dude?
You wear a helmet when you ski?
Yeah, you're a helmet guy.
Dude, you get what?
You gotta wear one.
No, I don't wear a helmet.
You should.
You should do that.
No, I'm trying to just look.
Time out.
Did you wear a helmet when you ski?
He's trying to push this on me.
Of course, I ski constantly.
You wear a helmet when you ski?
I grew up with the fucking law now.
I didn't wear a helmet.
What class did you want skiing?
Dude, like two years ago.
Yeah, man.
You wear blue jeans.
You wear blue jeans.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, embarrassing.
Don't you dare wear a scarf.
And I know.
I don't wear a scarf anymore.
You're not delivering mail.
True.
You and I have actually skied with us the same guy once.
That guy out in British Columbia.
Dude, Francis is obsessed with you, dude.
You started it.
You were like, you two are going to be best friends.
We've never said that.
Don't turn on me.
It's a track.
Remember that time you met at Home Depot?
You said that.
Those are your words.
You tried to push the helmet on me also?
Because you were like, what's your helmet look like?
Nobody wears a helmet, dork.
I'm telling you, your helmet tilt, probably terrible.
You were the guy in football who looked through the bottom tier of the face
mask.
Am I wrong?
Dude, no.
Helmets are for pussies, but I'll wear one, though.
But they're for pussies.
There's no way around it.
You're a fucking dork if you wear one.
Bike helmets, dude?
I'd rather die, dude.
I'd rather go brain dead, dude.
I agree with that.
I'd rather go brain dead, dude, to catch a second.
Hold on a second.
Sodor's actually made fun of me for having the perfect football helmet head.
Like, in the face mask.
Dude, you could rock a leather helmet, really.
Oh, wow.
So you followed him.
Where were you guys?
Well, I went skiing out at Whistler, and there was a comedy show there that I
did, and it
was amazing.
So much fucking coke there, dude.
All those people, it's like half Australians, all they do is blow.
All they do is blow out every fucking day.
That's true.
Australians love cocaine.
Australians rule.
They always get that kind of shit.
And then when they finally get anywhere else, it's like, it's so fucking cheap
here.
They can't stop doing it.
They might pay the most for drugs.
They might.
I think in Australia, everything's like, it's probably like prison.
It's like five times what it should cost.
That's my opener in Australia.
I'm like, you know, the general rule of thumb is, the more expensive the thing
is, the better
quality is, and with that in mind, the cocaine in Australia must be by far the
best in the
world.
Yeah, I was in Brazil, and there was Australians there, and one of the dudes I
was with, he
was like, luckily he was like South American, so he went into the favela to buy
coke.
These Australian dudes were like so fucking happy.
He came back, and it was like, Jesus coming back, dude, on Palm Sunday.
They love it.
I just remember all the Australians were coked out in this hostel.
Well, that could also just be, like, Australians, I know, I believe that they
were, but they
also always have that energy.
True.
They vacation, they holiday.
Yeah.
True.
Good point.
Oh, hey, I brought you guys presents.
I forgot.
Oh, what?
I thought you were saying, like, Australians do that.
I thought he was doing a bit.
Yeah.
Go ahead, go ahead.
I went to a brothel in Australia at 10 a.m. on a Tuesday.
It was the wrong time.
How'd it go?
They were, I mean, that's like their, that's like their C squad, you know?
Everyone else who's, who matters has gone off to bed.
What did you do sexually?
We did, we didn't, we, we sat in the waiting room and they parade out the women
one after
another.
You kind of interviewed them.
You passed them.
And we passed on all of them.
Oh, you went to a brothel?
I thought you said hostel.
And we were so embarrassed that we weren't going to do anything.
We left them, like, 50 bucks.
None of these girls look like orange.
Time out.
So you went, you said you, I thought you were saying you went to a hostel.
You were in a brothel.
No, a brothel