Name: Ep 347 - Swapping Pics
Uploaded: 2021-05-14T13:22:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 347 - Swapping Pics' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 347 - Swapping Pics' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-14. Transcript available.

Ep 347 - Swapping Pics

the wild wild west we're live baby what's up bros sorry for the shano files
dude he's gone
dude he left this is a tough week this is a tough week to be without shane i
know it's tough this
will be a great time to start you're like hatching your i don't know weasel
plan where like you're
you're seeing you're seeing shane's shine and you're just like backstabbing
back in the shadows
what do you think i'm doing what do you think this is all about this is not a
great first step
i've recorded every single one of them now but no dude the um yeah no this is
exciting week
and it's uh i mean dude it's been crazy saint rogie's fucking we came on his
radar dude he heard
our prayers that was crazy that was bizarre i was just you know sitting there
taking a shit checking
out instagram stories and i was like i was like what fuck yeah so that's it shane
will be back next
week guys i know you fucking hate me and everything's fine no dude i'm kidding
i'm kidding but it would
be fair if you went full randall and just started rubbing your hands together
at every like yeah
shane's away this week yeah now it's matt's time true what are you gonna do who's
randall yeah
recess the kid that was always dude that was for gardini and noah dude no it's
just fucking old
dickhead the stone recorder over there okay daddy's at work dude so i was just
trying to get high with
you guys and like show you his guns dude i see my dad's gun let's fucking let's
do something bad
yeah um but no dude i'm stoked shit's going fucking sick by the way every time
i was at somebody's
house and they were like you want to see my dad's guns i left really dude i had
too much going on i
was going to be that like young kid that was going to go to college but got
shot by accident
yeah man you would have been a perfect how many guns did you uh you would have
been the perfect
client your life ahead of them dude yeah you would look great on one of those
like tragic fucking my
r.i.p t-shirt that should be your merch dude it would have been like a picture
that should be
yeah they would have like your athletic photos yeah some gpa information black
and white photo and you
and like a sports jacket just like looking behind your shoulder dude that's not
a bad idea dude you
just i'll get that airbrushed on all of my airbrush r.i.p stuff i'm like boys
they're not dead yeah yeah
yeah yeah just like not bad yeah yeah it's a kind of quote what would you write
on yours you'd have
to write like something usually there's like a sick quote or just like
something like cool on
the thing man i don't even know what i told you back then it'll be good picture
wise sick sick sick
it's all right that was my fault no you're good you're good anyway dude we're
gonna kill sid
and airbrush on everything yeah you're gonna just rock your own dude if you
rock your own r.i.p
airbrush people will be like i've been saying i was gonna do that for a while
but i'm too much
of a coward to find a good airbrush guy like a legit airbrush guy yeah but
people think you're a ghost
if you if you rock your own airbrush in the self-identifying if you rock your
own airbrush
in the hood people you'd get ghost cred there's a ghost no that's too spooky in
the hood dude that's
what i'm saying they'd have to take you out on that alone you think someone
would not let zombies
walk around the street you can't let that happen you can't let zombies gentrify
the neighborhood true
yeah man if you if you rock your own r.i.p airbrush that's a tight move by the
way my quote would
definitely have something to do with fingering i was fingering so much back
then really yeah
i was fingering at a pretty high level pretty proud of it can you guys tell
does my hair look like i had
sex today i want to make sure i just want to make sure i don't look like i had
sex it looks like
someone's dad had sex i don't want people like telling i had sex through my
hair
damn man i got pussy crazy i got pussy today it was i don't know did my hair
show that within the week
i had sex i could actually i was gonna ask you like did you see four days ago
yeah yeah just about
hair is just enough like messed up yeah yeah dude i got pussy this afternoon it
was sick yeah your hair
should be like the door cell indicator for when the last time you got pussy was
yeah dude you should be
able to tell it's looking from anyone's hair dude mine's so messy dude she was
gripping it up
every everyone can tell dude i went to the playground i was like everyone can
tell we had sex
yeah i remember in high school like a girl's hair would get up like everyone
knows
fuck yeah damn man i remember doing that
it was so cool yeah yeah my uh my pussy getting had a pretty sick shout out to
uh gillian keith sketch
what happened yeah so uh so i got some pussy right the day of
so right i got no no no what yeah after after the sketch came out it was
actually so it was like
baby uh i think it might have been a day of i think i was i think it was on the
tuesday it's
fine if you didn't yeah so we should all trade pics of our wives yeah yeah my
wife sent me the hottest
pick the other day dude i should send it away oh my god i'm always taking the
good ones it's never
like yeah i thought of you here's my pussy i'm gonna start showing people like
yo
that's no can i see your wife
that would be a sick move at the dog park
naked pictures just like fully closed check that out look at her boobs dude
you can imagine there's a lot going on under there
but i've got seized let me see how how to wait let me see yeah it's a move yeah
we should all start
sharing pics they don't feel like tribute them would be weird but just be like
yo yeah i gotta pick this
just like yeah here's my wife holding a 25 pound kettlebell with her
damn dude that is respectable
sorry you were saying you got yeah so well you know how when you when you when
you come you're not
vulnerable yeah i know physically you're physically vulnerable right so uh my
allergies started acting
out but because you came you lost you lost your my ability to to like fight
hold off the allergies
right yeah because i'm just constantly doing that door just come in your nose
and you shot it all out
your penis basically basically so i started sneezing and like she was even like
i think i'm gonna go
sleep with the kids would you be offended i was like no i got this i got this
yeah and i went to the
bathroom i'm like blowing my nose and everything she's up she comes to the
bathroom like eyes closed
and she was like you alerted the pussy oh whoa yeah she got me what'd you do i
mean stormed out took a
walk yeah yeah yeah yeah check out my friend's dad's gun no i i i i her right
then and there
i almost thought about going back i yeah you really seem like a dork in that
story and she sounds
awesome yeah awesome awesome story about yourself oh my god what are you gay i
think i have pollen in my
flap top yeah i mean listen i was i was damn your wife you're gonna lay it down
let me see a pic of
the the the the annoying part about this is i thought about trying to spin it
but there's no way
i could oh my god this has just come out how it happened i might i might how
much is it remember when
everyone was getting like uh people got after 50 shades came out people got
real into taking like
racy professional photos of like their wife a boudoir photo i might say i do a
boudoir shoot
just so i have something to show you guys but you know childless boudoir of you
or her baby both of
us probably have to do a couple i'm gonna enter me into this yeah i'm gonna
enter me into the
situation i'm gonna start you guys off with her and then slowly i'll be in the
back
there's a couple more her and oh yeah these these ones get pretty interesting
right here and it's
just like can you tell i was using a circular saw that day from my hair it's me
ripping a
fucking no hander solo dude the um i didn't i i don't know if i told you i like
this was like
burning in me all week i was up the other night i'm i'm up uh i'm like next i'm
laying next to
britney she's like you know girls get kind of stressed sometimes like they
start hitting you
with like all this like talk about the bills and all this stuff right before
bedtime and you're like
babe we can't talk about money before we go to sleep that's my rule i'm like no
money talk go to
bed sure yeah yeah she's a little stressed she's you know she's getting a
little so while you're
sleeping you ain't paper chasing hell no dude all right i'm on the astral
planet i'm on the
astral realm that's fair i mean i just never stop paper chasing you talk money
right before bed i
that's the one she hits me dude she'll hit me with these this like well what if
like we don't get
this thing like i was like refinancing my student loans and she'll just be like
what if we don't get
it yeah she's paper chasing she has to stop i'm like i'm trying to go to bed
dude i don't want to
think about like financial doom and gloom yeah so uh all right so what have you
been doing so i
kind of want to totally tell you guys both you guys i go to go to something
different can we go to
something different yeah well paul no i i can't stop actually you know what
yeah i have something i
want to talk to you about so there was a um so i'm in chicago this weekend and
uh there's a whole
other situation that arose but i'll also pause that as well there's a story did
you read the story
about the chicago pastor who him and his wife got their ears bitten off nah
dude there was a guy in
chicago him and his wife were out doing yard work a guy came up see if you can
find the story a guy
can't damn i felt like really just that's crazy the guy a guy came up and like
was like yo can i get
some money and he's you know this guy's sitting there with a shovel him and his
wife are doing yard work
and um they were like nah man like not right now hit him with you know keep him
keep him moving yeah
and the dude somehow attacked them immediately wow no quarter was given he
attacked the pastor and
the pastor's wife bit both their ears off or bit i think each one of their ears
i don't think he bit
both their ears but he bit both of their he bit one of each of their ears and
then like beat the old
man with the shovel and punched his wife in the face he got arrested man first
of all i'll figure out what
you're talking about this is not a good team this couple no it's embarrassing
dude they're like
they're still recovering yeah and they're you know i mean obviously it's good
for their their
church and they're powered by god i know that's that's what's kind of
embarrassing crazy that was
embarrassing did you see the story hit me with the deets so first of all the
dude bit both of each of
their ears so we got both so local chicago pastor and his wife were out doing
yard work guy comes
up ask them for some money he just wanted to hold 20 bucks or something pastor
goes bro keep it moving
and the guy immediately attacked the pastor and his wife bit both their ears
off and beat the
out of both of them bit off four ears yeah dude hit the pastor did he hit the
pastor with the shovel
i'm not sure i think so it says he's wielding a shovel yeah he was trying to
sell them watches
actually oh that's what it was my bad that's the same pastor would have gave
him money yeah
pastor did you give him money no he would have i mean he's a christian that's
what i'm saying come on
i mean why when you say pastor in chicago yeah danie's not giving out money
yeah he's in a a purple
mansion driving like a rolls-royce lawnmower around you think so yeah for sure
like piano key shoes on
he's just dressed like beetles no dude i think it was just a humble pastor dude
they decorate
themselves almost like old west nobility just like decorative tassels and
colors and
shit yeah man i have to like this this story is so close to a situation i feel
like i have to confess
something what so my my grandpa my dad's dad he was in a situation similar to
this uh because he he
killed a man okay and the man he killed was th