Name: Ep 349 - LIVE from Magooby's (feat. Billy and Spud)
Uploaded: 2021-06-01T03:40:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 349 - LIVE from Magooby's (feat. Billy and Spud)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 349 - LIVE from Magooby's (feat. Billy and Spud)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-01. Transcript available.

Ep 349 - LIVE from Magooby's (feat. Billy and Spud)

Yeah, yes, excellent.
Rose, grab your mic, so yeah, this work.
We brought the pros, dude.
Oh, yeah.
Rob Williams, my man.
Yeah, I'm pretty good.
We have the audio, we have the video going up there.
I got to do a little video production.
Don't worry about that. It's a little movie magic.
We got to sync the audio.
Don't worry about that.
That's a little movie magic, you fucking peasants.
God damn, dude, the live cast.
The live cast is going to be so good.
Well, don't bump it up too much.
No, I got some I got some shit to talk about.
I think every live cast we've had, you've been like, this is it.
And I've always been like, this is going to suck.
The last one, dude, the last one.
It's been so good, dude.
You're right.
But now that I, yeah.
The last one here, the last one here was.
Last one here was, yes, dude.
So I have to, I mean, I'm going to, I'm going to jump right in.
What are you going with?
I've been dying to talk to you about this, but I wanted to save it for this
moment.
All these bros.
Girl bros.
For all the hot guys.
Dude, for my brother.
An army of hot men.
These dudes are huge.
Yeah.
We always have some jacked ass fucking dudes every show.
It's pretty much you're listening to the show.
Jacked ass fucking alphas.
Dude.
So this is, I don't know if you guys, I don't know if you know this.
So I'm sitting here.
I'm talking to my brother on the way down.
He hit me to this, this, uh, thing that goes on in the Amish community.
I didn't know about.
Did you know the Amish are big kidnappers?
No, the Amish are notorious kidnappers.
I thought you're going to talk about rumspringers.
Well, you got to snag them before they can spring up, bro.
Yeah.
So the Amish are kidnapping notorious or other Amish?
The English.
So what happens is, so here's what happens.
And there's like, dude, you can read about it.
I didn't, I didn't take my brother's word, but what do they say?
They're like, hello, kids.
Would you like some licorice that I have pretty much in the horse?
Pretty much.
What happens is they like, you know, a lot of times they live in rural.
I mean, they always live in rural areas, but they'll find like,
if you're like kind of like heroin doubt and like I see like a,
you're like a drunk parent in a rural area and they see you like,
you ever see guys are like, you know, you get shanghaied.
They'll snag your kid.
They'll snag your kid because they like, they, you know, there's not a lot of
them.
Not a lot of people are converting to Amish, so they start to inbreed.
So they need fresh blood.
It's actually a lot like what the Native Americans used to do.
Did they really?
Yeah.
The Native Americans were like they were low on people.
So when they would, they would snag some.
Oh, dude, that would be so great.
That's what happened.
Yeah, they'll snag you.
That's what happened.
They would take in the pale face.
Yep.
And they would raise them as their own.
Think about how strong my Indian son would be.
Yeah.
Your Indian son?
If I had an Indian son with a squall.
With a squall?
Would you like a nice squall?
Oh, yeah, dude.
Can you guys keep your mics towards your mouth asleep?
What's that?
Sorry.
There you go.
So, dude, real quick side note.
What did the Amish do in the Civil War?
What did they do in the Civil War?
Were they here?
Yes.
What did they do?
They were here.
I'm wondering what they did.
They probably just got their shit rock, dude.
Just side note, dude.
Damn.
No, no, that's actually a great question.
As the premier historian on the Amish, I would say, of the podcast, they
probably just got
like their...
Well, first of all, they weren't that weird back then.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Amish were just like...
They were just German.
Exactly.
They were just...
They were standard Germans back then.
Yeah.
At the time, that was...
They were run of the mill.
But also, the Civil War never touched Lancaster County, so they were fine.
True.
Is that...
Is there Amish anywhere else?
Yes.
Yeah.
Ohio has a lot of them.
They're in South America, too.
What?
Yeah.
St. Mary's?
What's that?
Maryland.
Oh, wait.
You're not talking Mount St. Mary's.
Maryland is the best state, dude.
You think Maryland's the...
Oh, this is the best state.
Oh, he's a Mennonite?
Are they your three wives?
Are these your three wenches?
He's not laughing, dude.
That's not funny.
I apologize.
That's a true Mennonite.
He's like, nothing's funny at all.
How dare you accuse me in front of all these people of fucking my...
Definitely my daughters.
That could be a new genre, dude.
Amish woman stuck.
Ezekiel comes in and plows her ass.
He's so...
He's fuming, dude.
I'm sorry.
We might get shot with a musket if we keep this up.
I mean, for real, chill.
I know, I know.
I'm joking, sir.
Just kidding, dude.
Just kidding.
No, but why'd you say he was a Mennonite?
He doesn't strike you as a Mennonite.
No, she was actually pointing down as in Southern Maryland.
Oh, nice.
So what do you want to do about it?
What are we going to do about it, folks?
Oh, you're just informing us?
Appreciate that.
That's fine.
I've been...
That's why we stick to a strictly male fan base.
You bring some ladies in, they start yapping.
I've been planning an uprising against the Amish for a while.
You can't.
What do you mean?
They're too thorough, dude.
No, they're not, dude.
Yes, they are.
So my brother also...
Have you ever shook one of their hands?
Hell no, dude.
Why the hell would I do that?
Deal with them?
Dude, they're agents.
They made my ladder axe.
What?
They made my ladder axe on my truck.
Yeah, well, it doesn't make them...
Apparently they beat their wives, too.
A lot of people beat their wives.
No, the Amish still do.
Just because they beat their wife.
The Amish apparently still beat their wives.
Okay, so...
They snag kids and apparently like...
Dude, what are you doing?
That's just...
I'm reporting what I heard.
I'm a journalist, dude.
I'm reporting what I heard.
My brother was telling me they snag kids.
Which, again, I would say, honestly, the fact that they snag kids like that...
You know, you find a kid in a bad situation, you know, and they just breed...
Then they breed you out like a stud.
Yeah.
Good God.
So they snag you.
Wait, you gotta make sure...
It's their Mowgli.
This is true.
Why?
They're never gonna hear about it.
That is the...
That was a good joke.
But no, apparently they'll snag...
Well, first of all, like if you see...
You never see the women say a word at the farmer's market.
Because if they, like if they fuck up on that shitty cash register and fuck up
on the price of eggs or they give a little lip, that fucking civil war general
looking dude, when they get home, it's just full fucking...
Yes.
It goes into every room of the house and just beats everyone.
I don't believe it.
Huh?
Who doubts me?
I think...
Literally me.
Oh, okay.
Right next to you.
I don't think they do.
They're men of God.
Yeah, they are men of God, dude.
Although there is a thing like the...
Old Testament.
Yeah, the more religious you are, there is a higher chance you do hit your wife.
Yeah, if you're that religious, that is like the perfect amount of religiousness
to just...
You have so many good quotes, dude.
When you're that religious, you just pull stuff out of the Bible.
Yeah.
There's like in the Bible says like you better fucking listen, bitch.
And like the very, the very early part.
Dude, my sister, my sister married an Egyptian and fucking, fucking...
He's, he's Coptic.
So it's like this ancient Christianity and in the service, they were like their
vows in front of everybody.
They had to be like, as a woman, do you submit to your husband's will at all
times?
We're all just like, what the fuck is this?
What she said?
This rules.
Of course you said yes.
You had to.
Yes.
The Coptics got it right.
Hell yeah.
Now we, now us in fucking pussy America surrounded by yappy bitches.
Yeah.
We just went to a wedding.
We need to bring back religion to quiet these women.
True.
Dude.
Now women are so afraid.
Do you ever watch a girl watch The Handmaid's Tale on Netflix?
Dude, I don't know why Hulu keeps trying to show me this shit, dude.
I'd take that life in a minute.
What?
Hulu keeps trying to push Handmaid's Tale on me.
Well, it's important.
I'm not into it.
It's important for you to understand.
Yeah, dude.
I'm not into it whatsoever.
It's important for you to realize this fictional narrative is, is real.
This made up story is how it is.
I've had a few chores and all I had to do is breed all, like every now and then.
You take it.
I'll take so much weight off.
I will wear red cloak right now, dude.
Huh?
You think it's easy?
Clean the house and breed.
You think having kids is easy?
So man, you feel like a woman.
Shania Twain.
Shania Twain in midriff, yo.
She's the first one to do it, according to Spade.
Who's midriff?
Shania Twain.
Shania Twain was hot, dude.
She showed midriff first.
Who's the other one?
Is it Shania Twain?
And then Shakira came out.
No, no.
Who's the other one?
Is that Shania Twain?
Yeah, Shania Twain.
Man, I feel like a woman's a different one, though.
No.
Shara Crow, isn't it?
What?
Shara Crow's.
All I want to do is have some fun.
All I want to do is have some.
That's a great one.
We listen to Taylor Swift on the way down here.
I love acoustic divas, dude.
Jewel.
You love acoustic white divas.
Jewel's fucking hot.
I love Jewel, dude.
Jewel, dude.
I love her teeth.
Yeah, too.
Me, too.
I like Jewel's teeth, too.
I think it is an appealing thing about her.
Oh, yeah?
I love cross-eyed chicks.
I love all that stuff.
Yeah.
He really does.
It is cute.
Good cross-eyed?
Yeah, or just a dead eye.
I'm more of a dead eye guy.
I don't like a dead eye.
For some reason, a lazy eye turns, yeah, I'm out.
I like it.
I like it.
You want to fucking...
Any time I talk to someone with a dead eye or a lazy eye, I'm just like, you
want to...
Well, you're allowed to do that.
It's like an air conditioner.
You just want to fucking...
Knock that thing back.
Do you think they see both things?
Like if you have like a lazy eye?
Yeah, they have 360.
You think they're like chameleons?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, dude.
They got two channels.
Just split cam.
Yes.
It's got to be tight when you're sitting there and all of a sudden you're like,
eh, I'm looking over here and you're like, sweet.
Is it just blurry?
Huh?
Are you just blared up or like, what's going on?
No, you're just getting that panorama.
The worst is when you run into...
Did you ever take an iPhone picture and panorama?
Yes.
It's like that.
You can't move it too fast or it gets blurry.
When you run into someone with a fucking lazy eye and you're trying to talk to
them...
Well, you got to ask.
You got to stare at which eye you think they're...
I stare directly here.
It's polite to ask.
You go, which one of these do I talk to?
You're going to say, hey, idiot.
Which one of your fucking eyes work?
That was a good one, Shane.
Thanks, player.
What's up with you?
What's up with me?
Yeah.
Nothing.
I've just been...
I'll tell you what's going on with me.
I showed you guys a little in the green room.
I downloaded TikTok.
The girls.
You think the girls are nice?
Yeah.
Sexy.
Although, I will say this.
You know how...
It's nonsense.
This is what's been...
Of course, it's pure nonsense and it really gives me a lack of faith in the
future of our country.
I mean, we're staring down the barrel of an entire generation of complete
idiots.
I mean, we suck.
Yeah.
Our generation sucks.
But this next group coming up...
Yeah.
It's just women posting like...
Let's talk about the reality of the Civil War.
Yeah.
The women...
We can talk about the Civil War in a second because we got a lot.
The upcoming one.
But this one...
The TikTok is just women.
There's like a trend where they just announced the worst things they've done.
Thoughts.
Really?
It's just girls being like...
There's one thing where they're like shooting guns.
Who here's horny enough to have seen this?
Yeah.
Sir, your daughter.
And...
Just kidding.
It's a comedy podcast.
Al