Name: Ep 351 - Whorphanage (Feat. Mark Normand)
Uploaded: 2021-06-10T14:46:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 351 - Whorphanage (Feat. Mark Normand)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 351 - Whorphanage (Feat. Mark Normand)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-10. Transcript available.

Ep 351 - Whorphanage (Feat. Mark Normand)

Wow, wow, Wes.
Let's do it.
Here we are.
We're live, dude.
Hey, hey.
Mark Norman.
Good to be here.
Yes, dude.
In the basement.
Grandma's basement.
That's what they designed this after.
Yeah.
Dude, you're looking good, man.
Really?
Yeah, you're looking good.
Thanks, thanks.
I've been on the road.
I'm on no sleep.
I'm hungover.
Really?
So thanks.
What did you do last night?
We just sat at the cellar until like 345, and we went to the ale house and just
kept going.
I was at Village Underground.
It would have been nice.
Oh, dude, we had Ari there.
We had a good crew.
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, we could have used you.
I was with Sherrod.
It's fun.
I like hanging with Sherrod, dude.
He's the funnest guy.
He's so funny, dude.
Yeah, and he's just a great hang.
He is.
He's so lively, but we just did it up, and you just can't leave.
Yeah.
Just keep boozing, and the drinks are cheap.
That's been the biggest thing coming back from COVID, because I wasn't drinking
during
the week during COVID, really.
Yeah.
And then all of a sudden, it's back to doing spots every night where it's like,
oh, shit,
I remember this was like a problem.
Yes.
It's like, oh, fuck.
I drink every night.
Yeah.
It's like, I'll take a night off.
I still have like six Bud Lights.
That's a night off now.
That is.
Exactly.
Yeah.
And we work in a bar.
I mean, it's impossible.
And then you're drinking, so I got to drink.
Yeah.
And then you have a good set.
Yes.
And you're like, oh, this rules.
Everybody loves me.
I'm going to get fucked up.
These guys, other comics like me for the first time ever.
Right.
Right.
Yeah.
And there's a lot of that like, come on, have another.
I kept trying to leave.
Yeah.
Then you get the, yeah, I'll do it.
They all go, ah.
Yeah.
Every night.
Every night.
Every night.
Like last night, I was out.
We were out till like two.
And I was like, all right, it's early.
I got to go to bed.
Yeah.
I'm like, why do you got to leave?
I was like, I'm going to get fucked up tomorrow.
Yeah.
I'm going to get fucked up tonight.
Yeah.
You got to spread it out.
It's tough.
It is tough.
It's the worst group of peer pressurers too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But it's so fun.
It's so fun to talk to.
Yeah.
It's just comedy people and fun and you can say horrible things and everybody
laughs.
Yeah.
Last night it was Sean Patton.
He got me.
I kept trying to leave and he was like, come on, man.
I love that.
Yeah.
He's the best.
He's the best.
He looks like an old sea captain.
He does, dude.
And watching his standup.
His standup is fun.
Oh, he's so.
Especially when a crowd isn't on board.
Like he went last last night.
So they were like tired.
Yeah.
And he went on and was just like screaming.
And yelling.
It was wonderful.
Yeah.
He's one of those guys.
There's a couple of comics that are like really fun to watch.
Not do well.
Yeah.
Like if the crowd's not liking him.
I'm like, dude, this guy's the best.
Yeah.
They don't like implode.
Yeah.
Yeah.
David tells like that he's funny or bombing, which is rare.
I mean, he's the funniest guy on the planet.
But when he's bombing, it's just like.
He's making noises.
He's slamming the mic stand up.
Yeah, baby.
Hell yeah, dude.
I'm glad you're back, dude.
From what?
That stunk.
Dude, you couldn't do anything.
You were grounded for like a year.
Oh, with Corona?
Yeah.
I remember when it first hit, you're just like, I'll just drive across the
country.
You're a lost dog.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Nothing to do.
You're a lost dog.
Yeah.
You were living in like a beach house?
For the first like two months, I was doing Airbnbs, which was awesome.
It was so easy.
And every Airbnbs, it was like beachfront for like a thousand bucks for a week.
Yeah.
It was crazy.
Yeah, it was cheap as fuck.
And we were the only ones at the beach, so we'd do like fires every night.
It was so fucking nice.
What'd you do after the pandemic?
What were you?
I sucked.
I was here.
I'm just sitting in my shitty apartment.
I mean, I did the road illegally, but I did a lot of performing and yeah, just
fucked
around.
How bad were those?
This is the same as every podcast.
Those outdoor shows were just-
Ah, it's a nightmare.
Oh my God.
I won't do it.
I won't do another.
Yeah.
I won't do upstairs here.
I won't do that either.
Dude, I'm not doing it.
It's a nightmare.
I thought I would hate that more than I did.
I did the one outdoor one.
I was like, it's pretty tight.
Which one?
Oh, Souljols.
Souljols is good.
Okay, Souljols.
Souljols is good.
We're talking outdoor like on the street here.
Oh, fuck that one.
On the street here, people just walk through.
And if you try to make fun of them, it's like, dude, this person might fuck me.
They might haul off.
It's like a homeless guy just walking through and you're like, look at this
loser.
And he's like, why the fuck are you?
Never mind, sir.
I'm sorry, sir.
Yeah, that's different.
Okay.
Yeah, fuck that.
Yeah, yeah.
Glad that's so hot.
They did a comedy contest like that here years ago.
What?
What, an outdoor one?
It had nothing to do with COVID.
They were like, it was the Hoboken Comedy Festival, maybe?
And it was just, I showed up and they were like, oh, by the way, it's outside
under
an underpass.
And I was like, why?
Oh my God.
I don't want to do that.
How to go horribly, dude.
Yeah, of course.
It's horrible.
It's like five minutes under a highway.
Yeah, I was like relatively new.
I was like, oh, I better do a good job under a highway.
It was totally pointless.
Yeah, it's horrible.
It's a whole day.
I was like, come on.
I was like, I think I was married at the time.
Nice.
I had been like, this is really important.
I was under a highway like, fuck.
Fuck, wrong turn.
Fuck.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is actually very not important.
It turns out.
It's sad when you realize how flimsy comedy is.
You know, like, oh, it has to be exactly in the right setting with the people
who are there
to see it and all that.
Because if it's not all perfect, it's the worst art form ever.
It's the worst performance ever.
This is a crazy person.
Yeah.
People do that outside and people are like, fuck, stop, stop.
Exactly.
Yeah, you do these shows.
Like, I went on, I did a show, like, it was early in the day.
And you go on and people are like, what are you doing?
Yeah.
Like, you go on, I went on first and people were like, literally, like, they're
trying to
eat.
Right.
And they're like, what the fuck are you talking about?
Because I was up there talking about like pedophiles.
Of course.
What?
The sun has to go down for your time.
You need the sun down.
Dude, do you remember the comedy restaurant that was also an eternal comedy
contest?
Oh, the black one?
Yes.
Yes.
Dude, I was talking to Blizzard about this.
He never, in Philly, they had a thing.
They were like, what if you started a restaurant first and then slid comedy in
all people?
It was crazy.
It was a disaster.
And it was just black people eating.
And then you're the only white guy in the room.
They only ever had one party in there at a time.
Right.
It was always stupid.
It was just one table.
I did one.
Talking loudly.
And then they were like, oh, by the way, here's a comedy contest.
It wasn't even a show.
Yeah.
Then they make people compete to people eating dinner who were like, I'd rather
not deal with this
right now.
They didn't know a show was happening.
That's so funny.
So I did one.
It was horrible.
The first round and I crushed.
Killed it.
And I was like, what's up?
I'm white.
The easiest.
Yeah, man.
And I was like, then there was the next round was just one table that was
clearly celebrating
a guy getting out of jail.
He just got back.
Yeah, you called attention.
And then I came on and because everybody bombed before me.
Yeah.
I got this.
The contest.
It was ripe for a winner.
It was ripe for you.
Easy thousand dollars.
I'm about to win, which obviously they never paid.
And I came on, dude.
There's just one table and I thought they were going to fight me.
I thought that I was like, I got this easy.
Well, you pointed out the fact that the guy was going to-
off the stage and stood at the foot of their table.
Oh, it was-
He went all in.
Oh.
You probably like spit on their crab.
They're cracking crab legs, dude.
They're just trying to eat.
And I was like, what, this guy just get out of jail or something?
Oh.
Like, what'd you say, motherfucker?
I was like, nothing.
I think I lost this round.
It's a bad round.
I did a-
We used to do these shows up in Harlem and-
Because white people wouldn't book us.
So we had to go do like black shows.
And this guy went on and did sound effects.
Killing, killing with like the fucking-
I'm the robot.
It's always tough being next.
I know.
When you see that murdering, just being like,
oh, this is different than what I got.
Yes.
And I'm the whitest guy ever with my dumb observations about,
you know, bodegas are weird.
And so I eat it.
So I start making fun of that guy.
I'm like, how about the guy from Police Academy?
And that's kind of getting him.
Classic.
And then I get off and he goes, let me talk to you outside.
Big guy in like a yellow suit.
And he's like, you ever do that shit again?
I'll fucking kill you.
You're in the wrong area.
You don't know me.
I'll fuck you up.
And like the host stepped in and was like, no, no.
Don't fuck with him, Jerry.
You know, it was a whole thing.
Damn.
Holy fuck.
What was his name?
Did he have a corner?
He's popcorn.
I think it was Tater Top.
Taxi, yeah.
It was Tater Top.
Yeah.
Terrifying.
Yeah, man.
Damn, he might still kill you.
Yeah, but I did a black room in Brooklyn like two weeks ago.
And I was like, I'm not going to do the white guy thing.
I got jokes.
I'm going to be myself.
I'm bombing.
And like three minutes in, I'm like, hey, hey, what's up with rap?
All right.
All right.
So I totally gave in.
What's always funny in black rooms and you see white comedy, like white comics
pander and
have that fail.
They're like, yeah, I've done that so many times, dude.
I'd go to Warm Dad and be like, yo, what's up with fucking Trick Daddy?
Yeah.
Or like a reference that I'm like, they're going to be surprised I know this
reference.
Exactly, exactly.
And then just eat it.
Oh, I think you have to go in there and just be like severely autistic.
I've gone in there before and just talked Pokemon and it was just like murdering,
dude.
They're just like, oh, shit.
Talk about that motherfucking Bulbasaur.
True.
Yeah, well, you hit a nerve.
True.
Right.
You didn't know back then.
Exactly.
That black people love Japanese cartoons.
True.
I didn't know.
You had no idea.
I didn't know.
It was just, I was like, damn, these guys like me, man.
A couple of them probably went into the Super Scion as soon as you started
talking.
They love that shit.
They do.
It's awesome, dude.
I was so, and you find that out, especially from like online dating.
You see the dating profiles and like, I love anime and you're like, it's the
fifth one this week.
Like a black girl?
Yeah.
What?
That's what?
You don't know this?
No, I'm not on the apps.
I'm not on black people meet.
No, dude.
It's on Tinder.
Do you ever date like a black nerd?
No, never.
I've never dated a black.
I've banged a few, but I never dated.
Really?
Yeah.
Personal choice or is that like circumstance?
Is that like hard line?
I just, I just never, I don't want to date anybody, but they never pursued.
So if the girl's like, we have to date now, I'm like, all right.
Yeah, I hear what you're saying.
Yeah, yeah.
But a black chick was never like, hey, call me.
Exactly.
You never got, you never got called.
Yeah, yeah.
But I've banged a few and that was great and terrifying, but never, never dated.
What would you talk about?
Cosby?
He's married to a black lady.
What?
I'm married to a black lady.
This is his second black wedding.
Second black?
Yeah.
Marriage.
What?
I'm trying to add the extra word every time Norman says black.
Tell me everything.
It's chill, dude.
Again, love of anime.
Sherrod, you just watch anime, you just chill.
Yeah, autistic white dudes and black ladies should unite.
We sync up.