Name: Ep 358 - Fauci Ouchie (feat. Mike Recine & Sean McCarthy)
Uploaded: 2021-08-12T15:48:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 358 - Fauci Ouchie (feat. Mike Recine & Sean McCarthy)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 358 - Fauci Ouchie (feat. Mike Recine & Sean McCarthy)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-12. Transcript available.

Ep 358 - Fauci Ouchie (feat. Mike Recine & Sean McCarthy)

the wild wild west yes welcome we're here with our guests mike christine and
sean mccarthy hello
brothers yes we're back we just did an episode and we're back for another one
we switched seats
yes that's that's gonna be we gotta switch the mojo a little yeah you know i'm
gonna play around
you're gonna play around with stuff dude yeah now matt you want to talk about
sexual stuff i just
one thing i don't you know i don't want to be i don't want to be on the little
interim we just
took that he wanted to talk about sexuality i was like i just wanted this is a
thing that i i stumbled
upon you know my wife was gone she was away and you were looking at pornography
i was looking i was
viewing for i did really good though it was about a four day period and i did
really good i'm saying
i didn't pay out every night right just i waited because i'm a married guy too
and i barely watch
pornography yeah but every once in a while i got caught watching pornography
and you get caught
yeah she gets mad how do you get caught uh i mean i've got caught a couple
times but because
i look at only fans so oh you see you can't link the credit card bro yeah yeah
you you're picking
out you got to use the free stuff man i'm just thinking like although go ahead
if you if you like
if you can't like jerk off to the only fans preview though you just don't have
a good power of
imagination it's just like you gotta you gotta use your mind a little more that
preview hooks you
yeah i've i always wondered i'm like how do people do this only fan stuff i got
into
do you ever get into tantric jois no wait what's what is joi see this is why he's
like yeah i did
good because he does pig out what do you mean that's picking out the tantric joi
is respectful
no that's respectful i might i might bring my wife in on it like this is the
most respectful stuff i've
ever seen you know what i'm talking about i have no idea what you're talking
about now dude a tantric joi
yeah it's this lady who's like basically like you know if you want you can look
at me if you want but
like don't even think about coming stop you're just upset all you're doing is
trying to come
just breathe so like she's telling you how to breathe and the way she's telling
you how to
breathe you feel it in your penis you breathe you go all the way down and it
just you're like oh that
is a little bit of a tickle dude he's just training you to like just like don't
be a pig don't be like
i'm gonna he's like slow it down but then it keeps ending and it's like i'm
like what am i getting the
final instructions i like genuinely was like probably you know i could join her
only fans
she's doing a good thing like meditating did you join her own with this no but
i'm thinking about
it you should i might i might there's nothing wrong with that dude it honestly
i it was the only time
i've ever jerked off and been like that was a good that was good it was a good
thing i learned how to
breathe with my penis dude send that feelings out of my penis this is bad i
shouldn't have these powers
no it's good dude i just like seeing a girl try to audition for a calendar yeah
and then she ends up
getting doggy styled yeah and i finish and i say thank you for your service and
i go about my debt
i open it up now i get turned off by it i fall asleep i open it up and it's
just disgusting what
porn i mean i've been a porn thing it's just like of course it's like 99 of it
is like garbage and then
you have that that voice in the back of your head where you're like is this
human trafficking like this
the this like oh i finally found my video because like i'm into like well the i
like the homemade or like
the iphone shot i just find like all the other shit like way too fake and then
it's like you know some
of it's like ex-girlfriend or whatever like you don't know how real it is true
but the thing is
like real authentic like actual people having sex is more of a turn on but at
the same time it's like
well that's more likely to be revenge porn or like trafficking or whatever the
fuck so you can't really
win tantric joi dude yeah i guess that's right that's ethical pornography this
is not a slave this
is a free lady how do you know it's not a slave she's so free dude you never
know if there was like a
russian dude with a bat behind her it's like how they train elephants like how
did they teach this
lady to make my dick breathe dude they hit her with sticks i'm telling you i
got i wish i remembered
her name i'll have to find her dude but i was like that was only one and i was
only fancy buying people
you know true uh because then yes i could see how your wife would be right yeah
but but not really no
but not really people that i like follow on twitter but don't know personally
right and then and then
you get into like twitter porn yeah i guess i'm nervous with twitter something
i'm gonna retweet
something they're like ah shit yeah it just means so little to me that i don't
even there was a girl
think anything there was a girl and her boyfriend that came to a show and it
turned out they were they
did porn together and i feasted you feasted i felt weird it felt weird yeah of
course i did feast slightly
and then i was like this is something's wrong i've met these people i've seen
that dude yeah i jerked
off to it i i watched a guy i've met fuck yeah yeah that's how you that's how
you end up in like an
orgy like kind of like i'm the last thing you want to see dude no you'd be
surprised dude dude
they would love it i'll tell you what i had to sit next this just reminds me of
like fat people on
planes yeah that's honestly some guys like that guys in an orgy must just be
like please don't sit
next to me please don't sit next to me he's looking at my seat i had to sit
next to look i'm i'm big
but i don't yeah this lady was massive and i had to sit next to her on my
flight to rochester
and thank christ it was in one hour flight but dude she couldn't fit in the
seat she lifted the
arm bar so that she could sit down and then closed it through her fat the fat
spilled under and over
the armrest and i had to sit next to her what and i'm the second biggest guy on
the plane yeah she big
dogged you oh what if like the plane like smashed and you got to see her like
go like kirby and smash
brothers and like flying through the air when the plane was taxiing i've been
playing flight
flight simulator yeah i know all about this yeah when the the throttle was the
whole way up but then
sorry and uh while it was moving she was she had her arms crossed on top of her
bulbous stomach
and while the plane was moving she was totally just jiggling just rocking like
a plate of jello
imagine she's like hey are you that guy who lost his job just like make it
worse and uh and she smelled
yeah yeah i smelled her bo through the mask yeah and then it was so bad and i'm
never mean to people
yeah yeah but a store just came by i was like can i move my seat like i said it
clearly earshot i
mean we we were yeah touching the entire flight can i move and there was an
open seat behind me and she was
like yeah well give it a second we the gates not closed yet and a guy came on
yeah you couldn't
switch oh yeah that was fuming i've never been fuming like that at another
person yeah i was fuming
so bad i wanted to be like yo you gotta you can't do this i was like the whole
time i was like what how
do i say it yeah how do i say it i was so i hated this lady so much stewardess
can we get your anything
yeah she was with the guy oh here's another thing they were writing i was
standing in line to get on
the plane they her and her ugly husband was he skinny as hell was he skinny as
hell he was not skinny as
hell but he was skinny fat yeah they walked directly in front of me before in
line they just walked
straight in front of me in the line to the point where i leaned over and i was
like hey hey i said
hello and they didn't they were they were too fat yeah i had a friend who like
legitimately confided
in me he's like i don't trust fat people he's like they're obviously greedy
that fat where they're
like i mean spilling over and under an armrest it's a problem it's an issue
what's the health thing
be everyone's like oh it's a health condition it's like dude i'm pretty sure if
i isolated you
and watched and was like nope nope nope you would lose like 400 pounds yeah i
always wonder about
that because people say i i knew a guy he was a machine operator and he was
like my thyroid we'd
always be dude you got fat as he's like i have a thyroid condition you and
every day i'm like but
you eat cheesesteaks every day cheese sticks every day that's a thyroid
condition condition dude yeah you
just want to munch there there is a i think if someone's within your seat space
in in air you're
allowed to pinch whatever you want i you could have been like i was shifting
and i was grumbling the
whole time i was like i was so you're fighting fat lady energy with fat lady
energy i was yeah
i sat like that the whole flight oh it was crazy it was crazy and i was like if
this plane goes down at
least she goes down too right there was a part of me like she might have saved
you though the plane went
down and you can ride her if that fucking engine shot out she would have leveled
the plane i would
be like man sit on that side the plane crash had one survivor this man who you
might remember from
yeah yeah that's like no racist survives plane crash apparently you say he used
a overweight woman's body
she would have been a pillow right oh yeah absolutely that's like it's so much
in star wars where he
cuts open the bantu and like climbs in to survive the frigid air he wraps
himself in yeah god yeah that's
i tried to get myself out of that because i'll go on a flight and i'll go like
not basically i just want to i only want girls to sit next to me sure they
never do though that's
like the fantasy is that you're going to like meet somebody and like you're
going to hit it off yeah
never you ever try to hit that combo the bus is better for that actually the
mega bus or yeah that's
where you meet the slots that's right yeah i'm sitting down for plus so they're
hard up on cash
something went wrong in their life yeah first i usually i usually fly first
class
and it's usually just that's the only time i spend money yeah that grub hub
those are the only thing
and uh it's usually just me and white dudes first class is very you get some
indian fellers patriarchal
system yes i mean i've seen some indian chinese dude chinese i was sat next to
an asian lady on
the flight the last flight it was great like this is like hey good for you yeah
what are you doing up
here that's the first class you're paying for first class you're just keeping
the fats in the back
yeah i guess so yeah knowing that fat's getting up in first class yeah but she
should they should
have that she was too big she i think i'm i'm too big she was way too was she
spilling into your seat
yes totally you could have been like dude she had to open it to sit and then
close it through her body
that's such a bad move it was just to be like just to fully not like big hey
just be like this is mine
i'm taking this yeah probably went home and wrote a blog post about how the
white man that sat next
to her on the crumbled yeah she wasn't she wasn't a writing fat no she was she
wasn't blogger fat
more like a drive just a drive through fat yeah flying to rochester they should
have been driving
i don't know what they were doing in the air yeah she's been driving a car ship
like a hot dog
to rochester did you think about tempting her at all with like some snacks some
treats yeah
they gave us biscuits i almost crumbled them to the bathroom
trapped her trash you couldn't fit in the bathroom really she would not have
fit in that
usually there's a thing where they'll make people buy two seats if you're a
certain she should have
you should have told on her that's i did i basically did with the stortus yeah
right here
i was like can i switch seats i'm