Name: Ep 360 - The Perfect One
Uploaded: 2021-08-26T14:19:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 360 - The Perfect One' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 360 - The Perfect One' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-26. Transcript available.

Ep 360 - The Perfect One

Wow, wow, Wes.
What up, dude?
You might as well even fight.
Yo, today's episode is brought to you by Squarespace.
Really?
Are you building a website?
Squarespace.
Well, no, we don't have ads.
We should just think of one every day, like a cool company we like.
Just for free.
Just for like...
Free ads.
Dairy Queen.
Still pretty good.
True.
Today's episode is brought to you by Blizzards.
Have you had one recently?
Today's episode...
No, I have not had a Blizzards.
They're so good.
What was your go-to?
Butterfingies.
I was chocolate ice cream with nerds.
Whoa.
I had a fucked up Blizzard back then.
You are fucked up, dude.
I had a fucked up Blizzard as a youngster.
Chocolate ice cream with nerds in it?
Nerds, bro.
The nerds would freeze and I would just fucking gnash them in my...
It was like eating bones.
That's nice, yeah.
How do they...
That's obviously a special order.
Yeah, that's...
What would they say?
Would they say...
Nothing.
I would always be coming with like a bunch of people from like a baseball game.
So they'd be like, you know, obviously there's like the chocolate recipe cups.
There's the cookies and cream action.
All of a sudden, they'd be like, chocolate with nerds?
Yeah, they'd be like, all right.
Is this guy fucked up?
Is it?
Dude, I used to fucking crush nerds.
They're my favorite candy.
Nerds are good.
Just dumping, just going, just opening one slot, opening the other slot, and
just doing a full
mouth...
Pause.
Pause.
Pause.
Just doing a full nerd.
Just doing a nerd.
Just doing nerds.
Just doing nerds.
Dude, being gay is so funny.
Dude, being gay fucking rules.
Being gay is so funny.
Being gay rules, dude.
Can you imagine being gay?
How fucking dumb you'd feel.
No, I never really...
I never even got it.
I never got being gay.
Never got being gay?
I just don't even get it.
I was the one time when I did that comedy show in a gay bar.
That's when I got a glimpse of just like every day.
Because there's like, you know, you hear about all the glitz and glam of it.
That was just the daily reality of just like being a gay dude in a bar.
And they're...
You know, I've talked about this before.
They were just being super mean to the female comedians.
Which I was like, nice.
Yeah, being gay probably would.
No, they were very mean, dude.
They were like, you stink, honey.
Yeah, they were mean.
I was like, gay guys are mean.
They get to be the bros.
Yeah, man.
They get to be the true bros.
It's the bros.
They're literally like, I'll do...
I'll say whatever I want because I'm sassy.
Yeah, dude.
And I'm going to get in people's ass.
And I'm just fucked up.
Like, I'm...
Well, pause.
Pause.
Back to the blizzard.
Yeah.
We're still sponsored.
This is still the Dairy Queen ad read.
This is the year of Dairy Queen.
Dairy Queen is today's ad.
We should stop doing episode numbers and just be like the company we're
sponsored by.
Like episode Dairy Queen.
Dairy Queen episode.
I would like...
This episode is entirely sponsored by Dairy Queen.
I have women in my family.
I have a lot of women.
And now that there's a lot of children running around, there's a big time
excuse in my parents'
house to constantly make Dairy Queen runs.
Yeah, true.
So, yes, I have been blessed with a blizzard within, I'd say, four or five
months.
Oh, how many blizzies have you had?
All time?
I'm not saying...
A thousand.
I'm not going to ask you.
How many gallons of blizzard have you had?
Probably I've consumed a good vat.
Easily a machine full.
Yes.
Yeah, an entire machine.
No, I'm saying like in the last like six months, how many blizzies?
I don't...
Maybe one, perhaps.
Blizzards are...
They're so good.
Blizzards are crazy how good they are.
Yeah.
Yeah, man.
I haven't...
They need a little more respect than they get.
For sure.
Yeah, blizzards and Frosties.
Frosties from Wendy's.
Frosties are underrated.
That's crazy.
You have to be a mature man to truly enjoy that.
I mean, when I was a young man, obviously, when I was a young warthog, I used
to crush them.
But when you get older, that's like an acquired taste.
A frosty?
A nice frosty.
You got to re-internet...
You got to like reshape your palate back to a frosty.
Yes.
French fries in the frosty?
What are you, nuts?
Oh my God, dude.
Yeah.
Everyone does that instinctively.
Yeah.
Every single person I talk to is like, yeah, that's a weird combination that's
like...
That's a very good...
Well, it's salty and sweet.
Pause.
That's all my palate knows.
Pause.
That's all my palate knows, dude.
Matt, it's good to see you.
Dude, yeah.
How are you doing?
Absolutely.
I'm good, man.
Sorry about last week.
You look like you're ready for beach life, dude.
I was in the sprinklers today.
I mean, you got the trunks on, you got the flow.
Got the flip-flops.
I'm all beach life.
We're a beach life.
We're going to be a beach life.
Gardini wants to come.
Come on down.
Why don't you come to the beach?
You said it was big kids only.
It is big...
I did tell you it was big kids only, and it is still big kids only.
But there is a tiny guy room.
You can come, but I'm going to strap them thangs to your thighs.
Yeah, you're going to have to smuggle drugs for us.
Yeah, you're going to have to smuggle mushrooms and weed pens.
Strap them to your thighs.
We're going to dress you like a girl.
We're going to dress you like a girl.
Yeah, I'm going to be like Philadelphia Freeway.
I'm going to strap them thangs to your thighs.
You're going to have to fly.
Okay.
Would you put a weed pen up your butt to come down a beach trip with the big
kids?
They're small as hell.
Just a cartridge.
Not the whole...
Just a cartridge?
The cartridge.
Like two of them.
Sure.
Whole gram or what do you want?
Half grammars?
Or what could you fit up your butt?
Why don't you squeeze up that keister?
I'd love to see Sean squeeze something in there.
Oh, that would be awesome, dude.
Yeah, dude.
It would be awesome.
I don't want to put anything up my butt.
I had a hemorrhoid.
I had to put bud and medicine up there.
And I never want...
You have hemorrhoid right now?
I used to.
I beat it.
What happened?
You survived?
I was on medicine, yeah.
Damn, dude.
It's a long battle with hemorrhoid.
Are you pushing on the toilet?
Yeah.
And I sit down and edit videos.
I love pushing on the toilet.
I love it.
I used to be about it.
But nothing better when you don't have to push and it just falls right out of
you.
It's the best.
And the crap just falls.
That's the blizzard machine, dude.
That's the blizzard machine.
When you get that churn, when your stomach turns into the swirl of a blizzard
machine.
I told you I drop piles constantly.
All right.
Listen, people hate poop talking.
I know, dude.
I mean, hemorrhoids.
We're not talking poop.
We're talking hemis.
That's a serious business, dude.
That is serious.
I thought my dad used to talk about hemorrhoids.
And I'm like, I don't think I get these things.
I got that first one and I went, son of a bitch.
You had a nasty one.
I've never seen anything like this.
Someone was telling me.
They're like, that's not even a hemorrhoid.
I don't believe that that was a hemorrhoid.
That's called like something thrombrosis.
I think I got like a side effect.
That's like one of the side effects of COVID.
You blood vessels just like blow up like that.
Really?
I don't know.
That's probably, I shouldn't say that, but yeah.
True.
Now that we're sponsored by Dairy Queen?
True.
We don't.
We're not going to give out any false information.
True that, dude.
No, I, yeah, I think I actually, there's a rumor going around that I had COVID
last week.
People are trying to say I had COVID.
At the wedding?
No, just people.
I think people on the internet are trying to say I had COVID.
Oh, because you weren't on.
Yeah.
I didn't though.
I actually, I've.
In fact, I went and got tested responsibly before the show.
Did you really?
Before our show.
I see.
What happens to me is I feel like, I think I've had COVID.
Even though I'm vaccinated, I still get tested.
Do you really?
True.
I do.
You should.
You know, they found that people carry the same viral load or vaccine,
vaccinated or not.
I was around somebody.
One study.
Colorado.
I was around somebody who had come down with the COVID.
Yep.
So I went and got tested immediately.
Yeah.
Turns out I didn't have it thanks to the vaccine, Matt.
True.
One shot.
No, I have both.
No, I have both.
Yeah, man.
I, uh.
Dairy Queen.
I have both.
It's funny.
It's funny because I feel, I felt COVID enter my system a couple of times and
my body just
destroys it.
Yeah.
It's bizarre.
No, but look at you.
Like I had all the symptoms that I got.
Built like a fucking brick shithouse.
Obviously, you're going to crush COVID's bitch ass.
It comes in and it's just like my body.
I feel my body just like, you know, do what it needs to do and just, just gets
it the
hell out of there.
You want to keep whispering back there?
What the fuck?
There's no talking.
Talk.
What do you got?
What do you got to say?
Speak up.
Okay.
So I was going to, I asked Gardini if he wanted some of my grapefruit, uh, but
then
I, he took some, but then I, but then I remembered that he might be allergic to
it.
So I said, Oh no, I hope you don't seize up.
Why?
Oh, cause he had a seizure because it was a blood orange.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, I said it's a ruby red grapefruit.
Ruby red grapefruit.
You whispered it's a ruby red grapefruit though?
It's a ruby red grapefruit.
Were you guys knocking the fuck off?
What are you doing with both of you guys with those moustaches?
Dude, it's got to be crazy for a youngster to get pussy anymore.
You guys got to be totally, I mean, I guess, do they love like, you know, like
Trump loving
alphas like you guys?
Just like anti-vax Trump loving alphas like you guys, you guys are lady of the
tramp in
that mic, dude, you guys are going to, you guys are going to kiss.
So you guys, girls these days, your age love Trump loving alphas like you two
that love ruby
red fucking grapefruit.
What's, what's the scene?
Like what, what are dudes doing for pussy right now?
Growing moustaches and eating grapefruit.
Is that what it's all about?
Is that what chicks want to see?
Damn, isn't that crazy?
I'll just always resets.
Dude, if I had a moustache in my days in college, I would have got laughed out
of the class.
That's what you think.
No, I know that.
You just got to, you just got to be confident.
You have confidence, man.
No, I was super confident.
I don't think confidence is a problem for that, dude.
I'm too confident.
It's like, grow a moustache then.
No, I'm not, I think you guys, you know, I think you guys are moustaches are
cool.
I'm not, I was never against them.
I'm saying in my day, you weren't really.
It's real, well, they're real ironic, these two.
Are you, do you actually support your moustache?
Not at all.
You guys are real.
I truly, I truly like, love my moustache.
Yo, I got this moustache because I'm fucking ironic.
No, I cut my hair because I'm ironic.
The moustache is cool.
The hair was nice.
You had such nice hair.
All right, guys, we're doing a podcast.
Sure, guys.
Jesus Christ.
You can't just be fucking off like this.
It's true, dude.
We're fucking sponsored.
It's a serious business.
Yeah, dude, this is Fortune 500.
Is Dairy Queen Fortune 500?
Oh, yeah.
It might be like Fortune 700.
It's the most fortunes.
Fortune 250.
It's such a crazy fortune.
Dairy Queen's surviving, not only surviving, but thriving right now.
True.
Not a lot of companies are thriving.
The Queen's thriving right now.
Dairy Queen's.
Dude, have you been in, have you tried to conduct a transaction in like a brick
and mortar store?
There's no employees anymore.
No, there's not.
All the employees are gone.
I was in Best Buy today looking like a fucking idiot.
Yeah, you got to stand in line like you're poor.
Well, I went to, I had to go to the cell phone, bro.
Well, lines are for poor people.
I had to go to the cell, true.
I had to go to the cell phone, bros, and be like, hey, like, there's just
nobody there at TVs.
And I've been her