Name: Ep 363 - Australia Does Not Exist (feat. Sidney Gantt & Tim Butterly)
Uploaded: 2021-09-15T19:47:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 363 - Australia Does Not Exist (feat. Sidney Gantt & Tim Butterly)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 363 - Australia Does Not Exist (feat. Sidney Gantt & Tim Butterly)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-15. Transcript available.

Ep 363 - Australia Does Not Exist (feat. Sidney Gantt & Tim Butterly)

Wow, wow, Wes.
All right, let's start, dude.
Let's start, dude.
How are you guys doing?
My energy was fucked up.
What do you want me to do?
My energy was fucked up.
Now it feels good.
Just focus on the haircut, dude.
Maybe make some muscles for the camera.
My fucking cop head's in full glory, dude.
I have full cop head.
This thing's made just...
Dude, if you do a chin strap for a trooper hat,
it would just, by default, fit perfectly right here.
Yeah, man.
You need some athletic shades.
I mean, dude, I...
You got, like, keep it going head.
Like, those are the cops that are always out there.
Like, keep it going, keep it going.
Yeah, dude, my hair starts getting...
My bangs get in my eyes.
And, like, I have no choice but to be, like...
And I fucking hate that.
And I go, chop it off.
And you get the big reveal cred.
Yeah.
I'm going to go home.
My mommy's going to see me.
She's going to go, oh, you got a haircut, man.
You look so handsome.
Yep, that's what I got to do.
I got to grow my hair for a year.
Your dad's going to say you look sharp?
Yeah, you look sharp, bud.
That's what I hated about dreads.
Like, all the feminine shit that I had to do with my hair.
Yeah, that kind of stinks.
Like, all the time.
Yes.
Like, dude, there's no manly way to put hair behind your ear.
Actually, I disagree.
I think there's a lot of cool ways to do that.
I think, honestly, dude, you're...
That wasn't the one.
See, I was getting nice coverage.
My bangs, I get full Sean Hunter.
So, they're in my eye.
I have no control over this anymore.
This is the longest my hair has ever been.
Dude, my part moved on me.
I didn't do this.
This is just what happens.
Yep, Brittany pointed that out.
She was like, did your part move?
And I was like, come on, man.
Then she gives me a full inspection after a haircut.
She's, like, staring at me like, dude...
I tried to drop the part back down to the side,
and you just look like a 70s child molester.
You look like a library pervert
if you try to drop your part.
So, I have to leave it up there now.
I look like a fucking fat push cover band.
As soon as I saw you, I said,
I shouldn't have shaved off my fucking shit.
But...
Now, you made the right call.
Yeah, at the same time, I'm like,
I needed to go high and tight.
I got it in my head that people hated...
I was doing stand-up,
and I'd constantly have to move my hair,
and I was like, this is pissing people off.
Do you think about just whipping it?
That's a good feeling.
I should have just whipped it, dude.
Yeah, but I can't have any distractions.
My hair starts hitting my face.
I'm like...
You know what's fucked up for me
is I can't cut this now
because I have an Olympics video game
that I play with the kids,
and my creative player looks so perfectly like me
that I can't change my physical appearance.
I'm never going to get this close
in a video game again
with a creative fighter.
See, I get...
It's like when I get the bangs
kind of binocular-ing my world,
I get real forlorn.
I get real, like, Sean Hunter vibes, dude.
I just get kind of like...
Dude, it's paranoia-inducing, too.
Like, constantly having something in your peripheral.
True.
Like, your hair...
Like, every now and again,
a movement will just, like, pop your hair.
What the fuck is over there?
It's your fucking hair.
Yeah, I don't like dealing with that all day long.
My biggest problem is when I get sweaty
and, like, one piece of hair
will scorpion tip into my eyeball.
Yep.
That's pretty unpleasant.
Yeah, that stinks.
Other than that, it's all compliments.
Yeah, man.
I mean, people get pumped on it,
but it's just like...
It wasn't...
If it was long enough to pony,
I would have ponied it and kept it pushing.
But it's like,
it wasn't long enough to pony,
and I said,
I need to be high and tight right now.
Yeah.
I might get really...
You know what would be cool
is getting really skinny
and having a ponytail?
Yeah, it would be tight.
And just, like,
never getting in the sun,
letting your skin get a little bit gray,
maybe get some wire-framed glasses.
That might be cool.
Like a whale man.
You're talking about becoming like a whale man.
A whale man?
Yeah.
You go to schools
and talk about whales to schools?
We had a whale man in our school.
That's exactly what this guy did.
Word on the show,
he was a devil.
You got, like, a Velcro bracelet.
Multiple rubber bands in the ponytail?
Yeah.
That's whale man status, dude.
Man.
I'm not there yet.
I do want to grow a long pony,
but I kind of like being high and tight
and just kind of keeping it low-key.
You feel fast.
I mean, you...
I would...
The one thing I miss
is feeling the wind on the side of my head.
Yes.
This is a little bit helmet-y,
but...
It feels nice.
Instantly, I felt lighter.
I didn't have just, like, shit flopping around.
This is good.
We've got three distinct vibes.
Yeah, we do.
We definitely do.
I'm all fucking business.
I might fire...
You guys mind if I fire my LinkedIn?
You guys...
I think you're going to fire us.
No, dude.
I was going to say, you fucking can't.
I quit.
You can't fire me, dude.
I'm walking out now.
True.
No.
There's no...
Dude, I'm telling you.
I'm all fun and games, dude.
Don't let this haircut for you.
I still like having a good time.
I just can't...
Dude, I think I have Britney Spears.
I just get, like, so impetuous.
I'm like, I'm cutting my fucking hair.
Whoa.
Man, I didn't freak out or anything.
But I was thinking about that today.
I'm like...
I do this all the time.
I grow my hair long as fuck,
and I go, I want to cut it all off.
And I cut it all off and go, like,
I wish I had long hair.
I'm just a fucking mess right now, guys.
You know she's going through, like,
a slutty Instagram phase now, right?
I might be.
She's putting...
Oh, wait.
Oh, you're talking about Britney.
Oh, yeah.
You're going to go Britney, dude?
I was thinking about doing that the other day, though.
Just getting slutty?
Just, like, slowly working in the shirtless pics
into my Instagram.
You know, like, doing it, you know,
first, like, it will make sense
the first couple times.
And then after a while, it's like,
oh, is he doing this?
Or you're, like, in bed on, like, an angle.
There's some dudes that just live their life like that.
They just get hot and, like,
try to send, like, horny pictures out to the world.
That's got to suck, dude,
to see that your grandfather
was, like, a horny picture guy.
That's disappointing.
That would be so disappointing for your family.
Did you see the shorts
our grandfathers were wearing, though?
Like, every Reddit, like,
here's my grandfather.
All grandfathers were wearing, like,
two and a half inch inseam,
hog pressed against them.
Yeah, dude.
We got to bring it back.
I agree.
I totally agree.
Dude, if my grandchildren grow up on the internet
and they don't have any, like,
check out how hot my grandpa was,
I've failed them.
Yeah.
I have to get twice as jacked as I am.
I have to get kind of slutty on the internet
so that they can get, like...
Yeah, but those fucking in-the-bed pictures,
like, holding the camera up at...
When a guy takes a picture like that,
I guarantee you,
when he comes,
he arches his back.
I guarantee you.
Really?
For sure.
You think that's in, like,
when he does...
I see what you're saying.
Do you think that's, like...
Like, on his back.
He arches his back.
Oh, he bridges.
Yeah, he bridges when he comes.
He bridges when he comes?
Yeah.
And grabs the sheep.
He grabs...
He fucks with his legs together.
Yeah.
But he doesn't do a power stance.
You know when you're a missionary,
you gotta have, like,
kind of a power stance?
You can't go legs together
and just murmuring into it.
You're telling me he's a full...
It's full of nutcracker.
Yeah.
He's in a full nutcracker stance?
Yeah, he is.
Yeah, or he might just go full body stiff.
He might just go, like...
I might go...
I might go fishing up.
I might go electric heel on my babe.
I'm due.
I'm...
I mean, I'm getting pussy soon.
You're gonna mer-dad.
You're gonna start coming different?
I might.
Now that I have a haircut,
I'm gonna throw her off.
Yeah.
Did you ever...
Did you ever start about, like,
thinking about coming different?
Like...
Oh, I do it all the time.
I always change it up.
Oh, you mix it up?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just fucking...
I'm always trying new stuff.
One time in college,
as a gag,
I was having sex with a lady
and I started going, like,
I was doing girl sex noises
while I was inside of her.
It was pretty funny.
I've tried winger talk during sex.
That was the most disastrous one.
Really?
Yeah.
Why?
That seems like that'd be hot as hell.
It's the opposite.
It's for sure the opposite.
Maybe it's me.
It's the wrong energy for me.
True.
It's calculation.
Talking doesn't work.
It always ends up, like,
and, like, a giggle fit.
Yeah.
You know?
I don't know if you noticed this,
but, like, when you're having sex
and there's, like,
there's a lot of giggling happening,
like, that's when the farts start flying.
Yeah, it's the same stomach muscles.
Yeah.
True.
You can't have sex,
giggle, and not fart.
It's impossible.
True.
It's also nice, though,
to slide in some giggling
and then go full stern daddy
and be like,
stop laughing.
Stop fucking around.
I think that's funny.
You think it's fucking funny right now?
You don't want to joke to you,
you fucking slut.
I was like,
I'm joking myself.
Is there something funny about me,
you fucking pig?
As soon as I started to come,
I'm going to disengage.
You just go,
ah!
and just stop coming immediately.
That'd be cool if as you're coming,
you're like,
and done,
hands off.
You back up.
Like when people finish a Rubik's Cube.
I tried to do tantric,
like let it get there
and just completely stop it
and like,
dude,
I felt like
it almost like hurt my abdomen.
So they're like,
just,
you know,
come like normal,
but just don't let it out of your penis
and I tried that
and it was just like,
ah!
You tried to hold it in?
Yeah.
Or you tried to not,
like you tried to get to the brink
and then just stop?
I tried to have the orgasm
without any fluid loss.
Without spilling it.
Without any spilling the seed.
And it was pain,
it hurt.
Yeah.
I was pissed.
I think I did that as a,
like an adolescent.
I think I tried to like,
because I was so Catholic,
I was like,
it's definitely not jerking off
if nothing comes out.
So I would just jerk off
and I'd be like,
it was a very unpleasant experience.
You're fully edged.
And then some still came out
so I was like,
great,
well,
I'm fucking,
they need to go to Catholic school
and start being like,
hey,
by the way,
guys,
you can totally jerk off.
It's fine.
Please crush your meat,
guys.
Totally jerk off.
Don't get weird about it.
That fucked me up,
dude.
Yeah.
I still have repercussions
about that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Last night,
last night I had a fucking crank
went out.
I couldn't sleep.
I've been having insomnia.
Yeah.
So I'm laying there.
I'm like,
oh,
and it's just come induced insomnia.
I'm just backed up.
And I was like,
all I got to do is come.
I can sleep.
And it was like,
is that the best thing,
dude?
When you start praying,
like,
listen,
God,
before you hear about this
from anyone else,
I had to go to bed.
Look,
this is purely mechanical.
It's not like I feel bad.
I'm just kind of like,
I should be able to not do this.
And then I'm like three hours in bed.
Like,
I need to go.
I mean,
that's not how the machine is.
You got to come.
You do.
The machine has to come.
I did notice though,
that if I don't,
if like my,
if my cum isn't the result of,
you know,
my lady somehow,
I just feel sick.
Like,
even if I'm cranking one out,
I have to be thinking about her.
I have to figure out a way
to like think about her.
Yeah.
All guys think about just her girlfriend.
All guys think about her wife.
Every guy thinks about Angela.
Obviously.
More power to you,
man.
It's like,
dude,
if I have,
if I'm like,
if I'm thinking about any other chick
when I'm coming,
I just,
it makes me feel sick.
How would you battle a guy?
If a guy came up to you
and was like,
yo,
can we talk?
Yeah