Name: Ep 366 - He's Back
Uploaded: 2021-10-08T18:27:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 366 - He's Back' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 366 - He's Back' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-08. Transcript available.

Ep 366 - He's Back

wild wild west a lot riding on this dude this is a big reunion where do we go
where do we go when start start we're good we're in hey how you doing bro
how you doing brother good man it's good to see you yeah man this is serpentine
i am in crystals
now dude that was my big bit it's done it's good yeah the bit's done dude it
didn't work
the first time it worked the the reunion is here the reunion the reunion is
upon us and we keep
trying to work but these goddamn hipsters we hired to help us do you have fun
doing the job that you
have yep all right what's up chilling dude um phone's off matt how the are you
what's been going on dude
what have you been up to in the last month i have not seen you dude i know it's
weird the longest
time we've gone without seeing each other in probably five years yeah it's
bizarre what the
hell is going on dude i've been doing nothing but deep spiritual research as
you have been as well
that's how you're that's how you get it you got tapped basically dude someone
tapped you
a woman you said it costed you no she was just a voodoo woman from louisiana
that came to my show
really and she said do you feel like god is sending you on a mission what did
you say to that i said
i was we were taking a picture and i was like all right that's how i responded
and then she gave me
this and i was like oh nice thanks and i was like this will be funny to bring
to the podcast
to show matt that i'm on crystals i think it's totally normal that i'm on
crystal something funny
you know this is nice to rub sure and i am getting worried that i maybe do have
some type of
i don't know it's nice it's nice rubbing it is nice to rub yeah yeah dude so
there are benefits
of rubbing rocks yeah we're yeah we're you know we're all just energy crystals
choose to be crystals
by the way i don't know if you know that this this decided to be a crystal it's
a mineral but not all
minerals take their crystalline form and the only thing scientists can't figure
out why some minerals
end up becoming a crystal so they're self-organized so the answer we've come up
with is they must have
decided that because we don't know it yeah exactly there's the way they shape
it there's there seems
to be some sort of self-organization so yeah dude crystals are you know they're
no joke dude i think
this is a joke what no dude chris no i'm not gonna let this thing go i mean i
wouldn't you know i
wouldn't put all your you know eggs in that basket but they're definitely hope
this thing takes control
and it organizes my life it's what if it was like the mask absolutely somebody
had it if you start
smoking dude someone has to stop you well if i start smoking the government's
gonna have to shut this
down true they're gonna have to stop me what happened in your life in the last
month how do you
are you mentally preparing for your big day dude i'm just walking right into it
man that's coming up
it's coming up in like two weeks i've spent i prepared for it by telling myself
i have plenty of time
and now the time's upon me so we should have you guys this is a mistake
television and google
this is a great this is a mistake this is a great we could have we can't afford
this
what mentally we cannot afford this as soon as i was like you're excited for
your big day
guardian google's marriage
and now there's just marriage well i will say i'm i am um i might i've been
having reservations about
marriage interrupting but no marriage is not hey there's man yeah bottom right
i've been
that that's a big day well the thing is dude i'm kind of fucking um i don't
want to i'm trying to
figure out how i can have this marriage but not like disrespect black love you
know what i mean yes
it's like it's important black love it's important you know the whole idea of
sticking with your own
kind yes only for you know not for white people at all white people not white
white love's abominable
but i don't want to disrupt black i don't want to ruin like a black love i want
to come up with a good
black love story so that's why you know i don't know what i'm gonna do i better
not disrupt black love
i'm like tropic thunder is what i'm trying to tell you if you walk down the
aisle
yo if you walk down the aisle i just want a black love dude i just want to
hashtag black love dude
and stop with the google is that what you've been doing have you been
instructed
he's been googled no he's been googling just the most random topic the whole chaner
was talking about
sex and the whole he was playing unbeknownst to shaner kissed by a rose in the
background
oh that's funny it's pretty nice shaner's talking about like eating buttholes
and stuff of course
shaner's so cool and horny yeah nothing more than i love just a guy who's good
at sex and is horny
yeah man telling you that's that's a uh i might just wear that exact outfit
do you take this one i do slip one of those in for me would you during one of
the vows or
whatever just be like i do i do the rest of them say it normal i'll be like i
do i'll try to
remember that am i giving a speech of this thing yeah oh no you're gonna roast
dude oh you have to
roast me can i share it with yeah you guys can go back you guys go back and
forth love is kind
you guys can be like styles p and jadakiss just go bar for bar yeah or what i
might do i might have
that i might have the nerve to do uh full traffic thunder but what i might do
is uh just steal valor
i'll just put like a military uniform on second best bro i'm a troop dude if i
stole valor
expensive well done blackface and then like very well done like like robert
does and mill and steal
i might steal valor that's the whole groom party if i can't get to men's
warehouse in time when i get
back i'll just buy a military uniform that'd be tight dude slip into the old do
you still have the
old jeans and tea should i just go louis everybody else in a suit dude if you
showed up in like a
military uniform i definitely still have you still have your stuff definitely
my mom definitely kept
that out toss it on some type of weird shame yeah toss it on yeah you should
wear that exclusively in the
house of your parents my mom keeps that stuff like a you know when people's
like kids die and they don't
touch the room that's what my mom does with like all my old west point stuff it's
like you could have
been an officer i mean bro put on the gear what happens if you were a troop
goggins went you could
probably get re-enlisted or just i was worried about or just wear it and show
up to the pentagon in the
parking lot and just be like hey guys i'm back i'm back i'm back check the
records i'm signing back
up what do we have going on god damn it i'm in you guys asked for me i'm back
now what do you want
can you're allowed to wear can you wear that garb yeah i could technically
technically just go to
annie annies to the ball yes technically i was honorably discharged yeah i swore
in and was honorably
discharged what the hell technically i could wear could you please decorate
that uniform yeah can
you please be decorated and it's going to be at a place like a military place
so oh they'll like it
state but yeah they'll respect that oh yeah you should i'm telling you man
maybe i'm going full
i'm going to be in a five-star general outfit i'm going to look like the dude
from um what the
fuck's twin peaks i'll look like general from twin peaks dude i'm going to be
lightning fast that's
that's a dark chalk we're a little rusty that's dark chalk we're a little rusty
so that's my plan
dude in order i don't want to you know are you gonna cry i was thinking about
it dude i'm writing
my own vows so i was reading them today and i might fucking cry if you write
the last last little bit
gets me choked up dude really yeah they're pretty about your sweet baby maya
not even not oh nice it's
not her day dude good it's not her day i don't want her anywhere on the
premises it's not her day dude
that's good so yeah no she'll be you know we'll probably just leave her she's
old enough now we
can just she can handle things i dude i thought about that man we were in a
hotel weeks ago like
we went to the chicago last week surprise shower bro dude that was a nightmare
that is a nightmare
just that's the ultimate like when are we doing and it's like we have lunch she's
like lunch reservations
i didn't think it through too because i'm like dress wear something nice and i
was wearing jeans
and a t-shirt she's i was like they have my clothes at the restaurant she's
like what oh man i was like
i dude just relax and then her cousin's like yeah actually like stall for
another half an hour i'm
like i can't dude you cannot i can't stall for another hit me with just being
like i don't even want to
get what is this and i'm like sick why would you take me to a nice lunch i love
that even before the
ceremony of your wedding you're still like if anyone's like what was she doing
like without a
second like what was going on i told her you guys she has an ally in you and
mine she goes i hate the
way you impersonate me and it's like dude it's wildly disrespectful although i
was just doing my
girlfriend like she was genuinely sleepwalking she was genuinely sleepwalking
god damn it that's how it
sounds to me dude i do it all the time of course that's what it is that's what
it is we we do the
blow by blow i'm like we get into the territory of like i'm like yeah but then
you were like
i said and i'll oh the worst is when they go no i was like joking with you and
it's like
yeah you can't joke you it's not your strong suit yeah dude you don't you funny
jokes and you don't
get up early they can't they can't get up early they're the days dude they're
they're on autopilot
they're not there the babes are on autopilot they're they're all wearing calvin
and hobbs
glasses they have drones before in the morning it's just ping pong balls dude
they're fucking
yeah they're drones and they're mad they're so mean all the time it's crazy my
girl and i have been
together long enough that she's starting to be able to be mean for no reason
yeah man like for no
reason i'll call her and be like you know you talk about how hot young girls
are all the time and
i'm like don't listen to my podcast she's like are you a pedophile i'm like
what oh he said the young
babies dude i'm not allowed to talk about google honestly you start you start
to appreciate don't
don't don't you start to appreciate don't google young after a while you start
to appreciate their
little fermentation periods yeah like you'll start i'm telling you with enough
time and patience you'll
start to know like you'll be having a discussion and this is they'll start to
do a thing where they'll
go maybe i guess dudes do this too but it's like you're bringing up a very
valid point and then they
start talking louder and faster yeah and you know i've been i used to get me
and i would talk louder
and faster now i stop and just go if you're getting angry we can pause like let's
wait till we're all
you know i'm not fucking angry well that would drive me up a fucking wall too
well you can't you and me
were fighting and you're like do you want to talk about this when you've calmed
down i don't i don't
hit with that i just go i'll cry i'll cry right now i i don't i don't hit that
necessarily and i i'll
get if i get i'm nervous i'm nervous if i get i'm scared show me who you are
you went samurai on that kid immediately true i mean full oh yeah dude just
right away where's your
honor yeah put your mask on show me who you are yeah dude that would have been
beheaded back in the
day in japan that was just huh yeah right you were just cut you were like you
would fume and then go
what am i even arguing why would i even talk to cut these guys that was all the
matter you'd be like
is this guy from a good family or can i cut his head off i can cut this guy's
head off yes dude i
was reading about the a new people in japan what were they up to a news hold on
hold on before we get
to the a news what was the thing we we