Name: Ep 367 - Anti-Football (feat. Chris O'Connor)
Uploaded: 2021-10-13T21:24:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 367 - Anti-Football (feat. Chris O'Connor)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 367 - Anti-Football (feat. Chris O'Connor)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-13. Transcript available.

Ep 367 - Anti-Football (feat. Chris O'Connor)

the wild wild west hello welcome to matt and shane's secret podcast today our
special guest is
longtime friend you know him you love him chris o'connor everybody hey how's it
going chris you
got anything to plug before we get started yeah i'm gonna be uh in boston this
weekend all right
the wilbur matt where the wilbur wilbur theater yeah with santino yeah let me
let me know if this
is too chill for you guys i don't want to guys let's just keep it easy let's
take it easy take it easy
now here's some news in the taking it easy realm i have a sliced penis right
now what
i have a extremely sliced penis what what damaged i shave were you shaving no
no it was a
fingernail oh not mine i was having sexual intercourse and we tried to do cool
moves
like we saw on the porns we tried to do cool moves just like a hand job where
no where
she was also touching down there while i was having sex oh yes my penis fell
out
and i still thrusted and it thrust into a fingernail got the old cheese grater
cheese grated penis
oh my god what kind of slice are you talking bro like fish kills massive
slice it was blood everywhere what no if you slice a boner let me tell you
something it's i've never
sliced a boner this is the first time i've sliced a boner bro it was a
catastrophe it was all over the
hotel room all over but you know you ever you ever damage your penis when you're
whacking off yes we
all have no friction you've never done yeah friction yeah like a severe burn
where it's like that was
too hard not a slice so i've damaged that and then it doesn't hurt until you're
done until you're done
right and then when you're done you're like ow birds so this slice didn't hurt
what and she was
i kept trying to go and she was like no i definitely scratched you because i
didn't see it
and then she was like no i definitely scratched you and i looked and i had in
my hand it's just so
much blood dude isn't that a fun start it's the underneath the shaft oh man so
the bottom of my
penis is sliced that's a good way to start like was the underbelly coming apart
like literally like
it's a little bit sliced it's flayed it's a flayed penis it's a flayed unit you're
like the dudes
you got um which one call it it's not a circumcision it's called a uh when they
cut those
aboriginal australians it's sub incision you got sub in size yes it's a rite of
passage it is a rite
of passage i do feel stronger you open up yeah do you i don't know if you can
tell i'm much more
chill and relaxed you reunited dude you reunited to your like archetypal double
gender oh yeah the
penis the i have a pussy you got a sub incision yeah yes i never understood and
then you try to
have male period sex like come on it's no big deal exactly it's exactly what it
was it's usually no
well no once i once i saw the blood i it quickly changed to a panic yeah yeah
and she obviously
she was devastated i had to remind her it was obviously my fault how was it
your fault well
it wasn't hers it was an accident we were trying to do cool stuff of course and
when you do cool
stuff sometimes bad things happen yeah yeah you're learning what's your timetable
for recovery you
think who knows but probably like three months i'm on day three no no uh whacking
no ejaculating so
you i'm fucking pissed put some neosporin on it no that'll speed up recovery
big time
because i've i've it's a waiting game now true i've cut balls before you've cut
your balls
i've nicked my nutsack while shaving that's that's an eternal bleed it is yeah
that goes on forever
you have no idea the penis i couldn't imagine a long slice on your penis how
long how long of a slice
the length of my penis so the whole
baby scratch my whole fucking penis yeah damn but not on the head though just
right underneath the head
a little bit on the head you'll have a scar it might it might look like she got
you on the glands
she got me on the tip and then underneath jesus dude yeah did you like it not i
did not like it did you
like i did not like it getting sliced no but my penis now is gonna look you
ever see like an old great
white shark that's what my nose is all just a shark like a line down the side
of it yes i will have a
scarred penis damn and that's fine there's nothing wrong with that how was it
before you got cut
what you guys was phenomenal we were doing cool stuff so a little like hand
hold
what do you mean what do you know what kind of hand what was the hand well i
don't want to get
too graphic sure sure i mean i have been discussing sliced penises it's just a
grip outside i was you
don't want to get no i was behind yeah she was reaching down touching herself
ah that's how i sliced
the bottom gotcha i thought i had the whole time i thought you were working
some sort of like advanced
thing where it was like she was gripping your root fucking i like that idea
yeah that's also i was
intrigued yeah that's oh no no that's serious cool that's doggy style sex that's
cool stuff it was
doggy style as you were doing doggy so i was dogging my girlfriend in this
hotel room
slicing my dick penis
this is just good easy listening on your neighbors heard the neighbors probably
were you screaming did you hear me yelp no i i didn't i didn't make a noise you
kept quiet silent
assassin in the bedroom so you got slicing you're just like i'm gonna you try
to get you i try to get
back in you ever seen you pop a dog off another dog and it's still fucking up
in the air you're still
air up i was you're like let me fucking oh man i can't believe i've admitted to
having a slice penis on
this podcast you were curled up just like like i pulled jackson off matilda
every now and again he just
still goes yeah i would think it would heal quick i have the pain bro why not i
would think the body
would be it's never been fine dude it's like a baby's hand it's never you're
not working with your
penis right it's fresh baby skin yeah dude it fucking heals super i think it
might heal super fast yeah i've
had damaged penis before and it does heal quickly never a slice but you can't
have a penis down for
too long that's a that's an emergency very emergency true especially when the
rest of my body's dying as
quickly as it is like we got to get something out it's all hands on deck that's
a fair point i was
thinking more like it's just this like appendage that like stays out of the
sunlight doesn't get much
friction that's my whole body i do scar like really you bruise you do bruising
scar like crazy get into
scarification maybe instead of tats you just like scar up i should start
cutting scarification be nasty dude
or get branded what type of brand do you think i should get black fraternity
the omega or whatever those two yeah noops get be a noop
dude how dare you what were you gonna say about damaged penis you seemed like
you had something to
say i just want i've been keeping it from you guys for a while but i actually
have a laceration on
my penis as well what and it's been there for about three weeks so you got that
to look forward
how'd you lacerate your penis self-inflicted what what happened wait i think it
was just
irritation from masturbating just repeat injury yeah dude it's disgusting like
you got a callus on it
it's like a scab like when you play guitar your fingers yeah exactly you got
the old rug burn burn
you might have herpes from that's not from going down to the shore no i don't
think i have herpes are you
sure no but i don't think i have herpes you've googled her you might have
caught north jersey
chicken pox on your penis
is it an open sore no it's like a little scab it's a scab that you keep
reopening because you
can't keep your hands off yourself you can't keep your grubby little hands off
yourself you should
go to the doctor tell him exactly what happened like look i'm i've been feverishly
masturbating doc
one time i did go to the doctor with penis uh pain and he told me i had chlamydia
and i didn't
didn't i tell you that story no yeah he told me i had chlamydia so i told some
girl your wrestling
coach is this who told you no it was a the urgent care doctor so it was like
yeah that's a go to a
cool doctor and the hot nurses oh and the urgent care there's always hot nurses
and the cool doctor
always wants to show you up in front of the hot nurses he's like a small penis
probably has chlamydia
i don't know how you even got that bro i don't know how you managed to even
catch that yeah so i had
irritation in my urethra and um so i went there and i was like i have
irritation in my urethra i think
i have a uti and he was like you're not a lady dude you can't get uti this guy
was
crushing you yeah you can definitely get utis well he's probably hold on i'll
be right back and just
ate a pharma rep's real quick so now what are you talking about so then um he
was like i'm gonna
test you so piss and then uh but it takes a week to get the test he had to test
me so he's like give
me sample to test it'll take a week but i'm gonna treat you for it anyway so i
had to take the
antibiotics for chlamydia and he gave me a shot for syphilis as well jesus and
then it took more
than a week to get the results back i was waiting like two weeks and my penis
still hurts so i texted
the girl i was sleeping with i was like you gave me chlamydia and she was like
fuck you dude i have
chlamydia and that was a big fight and she hasn't she didn't talk to me after
that and the doctor called
me back the next day and was like you don't have chlamydia or syphilis by the
way was it burning
like sting and burn when you peed yeah he said and then he said it was probably
just from too much
too much use again from masturbating too much yeah i think so oh my god you had
to have a doctor tell
you to slow down yeah well i just like it hurt when i peed so i was like what
the hell i had that for
how hard are you whacking on yeah good question how many times a day and how
what kind of lubricant
one i'm doing one tops no way two on a good day no way what kind of lubricant i'm
doing dries that's
why you're going just a hand to penis a little bit and you're circed yes this
is i feel like you're
underselling the amount of times per day i don't know if i'll do two if i'm pigging
i cave man i do
too if i'm pigging out but one is tough for me i mean no it's it's not i don't
know what to tell
you matt it's hard for me it's not the best it's just hard for me too but i'm
just lazy it's too
pleasurable the lotion takes it up a notch guys i have a fucking actually
sliced penis
i this is a fresh wound and so far it hasn't hurt too bad except when i was
wearing dungarees
on stage then my penis hurt but thankfully it is the underside so it's rested
the wound is hidden
nicely by my sack yeah the dragon someone got my giant long sack and balls
finally my big balls are
coming to help yeah dude you got hit in the dragon's belly dude right it's a
weak spot
i could talk about this for three hours it's so funny how to slice penis in the
middle of doing
cool sex this is what we get for trying to do cool sex i mean yeah i'm usually
a regular sex
guy and then one day we were just it was great we were caught in the moment i
was like do something
cool do something crazy i said yo do something crazy we ended up slicing my own
penis
did you try anything else before that moves cool moves don't worry about that
come on
worry about me and my girlfriend's sex life i want to know what led up you did
cool moves recently didn't
you no no dude i've been you snuck out like a thief in the night dude hey i had
i had things to do yeah
three in the morning he felt like it's time to do cool moves look i had to go
to the dentist yeah
chris's car turned into a pumpkin i had to go to the gym and the dentist
chris turned into a pumpkin stagecoach turned right into a pumpkin that's it it
was an emergency
back to the ball dude the princess was at the ball you gotta get back
wait what time did you run off it was because i came back in all your
shit like it was as if somebody had just left the living room so i 