Name: Ep 370 - Gladiator
Uploaded: 2021-11-11T21:17:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 370 - Gladiator' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 370 - Gladiator' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-11. Transcript available.

Ep 370 - Gladiator

the wild wild west yes dude yes yes wow man it's good to be here sorry from a
little horse
oh yeah i was hollering what were you hollering carrying on you i've never seen
you carry on like
i was carrying on man i was crowd surfing dude that was skank fest was fun skank
fest was a lot
of fun it was maybe too much fun i had too much fun i'll be honest with you i
had the perfect
amount of fun you did well you tend to i take it i took it easy yeah i took it
easy teetotaler but
i would say i am a slight teetotaler i try to alter my states when i'm in like
more of a
therapeutic setting i know and it's not an attack dude i know you hate that
what my way i alter my
states in a strict like strictly spiritual context what the hell are you
talking about why do i hate
that that was an attack no no you're always all these what was my impression
getting high is
different or i don't know i'm not attacking i'm just i'm trying to make you as
comfortable as
possible okay what the fuck dude we're sitting here hanging out i don't have a
part of this
fucking attack in your back pocket this whole time it wasn't even attack we're
watching gladiator
together it was great you have a secret attack you knew it wasn't a secret
attack dude you might be
the sun dude i'm definitely maximus don't hug me dude i will squeeze you to
death yes you're in a very
deep therapeutic state at campus no i wasn't that's what i'm saying i avoided
it oh nice the um no that's
what you called well you called me a teetotaler which is kind of a you know is
that a nice thing
no dude teetotaler is someone who takes sobriety to the point where they're
just like
very oh never mind although i think it's so i i thought it was somebody who no
i i'm mistaken
kind of teetotals the line i fucked that up i could be wrong i could just know
i think you're
right i think you're right teetotalers were i could just be squeezing you you
could never squeeze
my head to death if you were 80 i could squeeze you to death yes if i'm right
now i'll never be 80
i wish you i wish my grandfather were still alive i'll literally never be 80
dude if my grandpa was
still alive yeah i would i would squeeze him i have a hard time seeing old
people not just being like
yeah come here i used to go to the nunnery when i was little dude i thought
about squeezing a couple
of them the nuns dude i could have two at a time you could easily sister mary
and just the whole time
be like oh the noises dude it wouldn't be that it'd be guttural it'd be like
yeah it would have been
you're not the guy just like quietly going that was also you could get into the
nunnery and do that
yeah you could get in and squeeze everyone one by one you could volunteer with
the cues to guitar
although there could be the boss nun which is the young bull the young bull dyke
that would get you
true that's not an appropriate thing to call them true i know what you're
talking about but you know
the young bull there's a big one in there waiting yeah yeah although a lot of
the younger ones are
petite and beautiful we had some big dogs running around did you really yeah we
had some big units
yeah they got going large teeth and crazy eyes a lot of the old nuns had like
they looked like
yeah you know beezer's new poster he's putting out for the uh they look like
the motorcycle like
harley davidson skeletons they really do they were scary we had one that was
very nice and i like her
but they used to call her john madden she was huge she might have been six two
she might have been six
two and then during her class people would be like boom like they would do john
madden things
she had no idea no imagine they just gamed the whole time she well it was all
just because they
were they that'd be sick i'd become a nun yeah it'd be awesome i'm not i'm not
far from being a big
big unit nun do they would they take a trans you think a trans male that i mean
it was the nunnery was
just lesbians they were just catholic lesbians true they all had like partners
yeah you know
what i mean yeah i didn't know just in a small community everybody was like you
can't be gay
you just ride out your girl gayness still like you just it's you're done with
it
that must be a nice day you're like i don't think i'm uh i i kind of envy that
life if you'd like
you just go to high school sporting events every year for 50 straight years yes
we're nice it's
basketball season can't wait nice it's football season the shit rules damn you're
outside watching
like the states you have a blanket over your lap blanket you get a hot cocoa oh
being a fucking
giant lesbian catholic school it kind of fucking rules any i mean giant lesbians
they don't need
to yeah but dude you're so good at geometry by you're like 25 you're like you'd
ask me anything
i know every single i know how squares and triangles work every few years you
get the taste box
secretly true yeah probably on christmas time i would say what a nice treat
that must have been
a little bit of wine dude a little bit of wine a little wine you're at the
party can you believe
he won states can you believe it like i mean it's double a but that's still
pretty good how's america
how's modern american history going oh i didn't use much box and the box must
taste so nice after not
tasting box for your you've been depriving yourself for so long oh and finally
you get the
sweet nectar box you wake up dude yeah i mean no one's policing not like
priests come under fire
because they're controlling all the money of like a whole parish as a nun you
can probably munch away
pretty much pretty much in peace you can munch box yeah i think the letter
slide yeah as a priest
sucking dick is much more grave sin or getting yeah that getting positive a lot
of those dudes have
girlfriends really yeah dude they must be cool i actually like those priests
they're pretty they are
actually pretty cool yeah yeah my uh my bro was working spud man was working
how many confessions
can you take before you try to fuck if a lady came in and confessed to some
wild shit i'd be like
mash up against the screen be like hey slided it open what sorry let me just
get an image of you
yeah yeah man i mean that's uh how long do you think you would last if you were
just to completely
forget the world and then have to like just i guess priest around before you
just got into like
some crazy shit uh completely forgo all of your strivings and just like i'm
gonna sit here i'm gonna
if i obviously you're a man of god tomorrow became a priest yeah how long
before i got fucking
shithoused at the fucking monastery or whatever it'd be so fast i'd get those
dudes booze too some of
them booze dude yeah father flynn he dude i didn't know what i didn't know what
alcohol smelled like
like you know when it comes off of people's pores yeah he just smelled like
that and later on i was like
oh dude that guy was a big time yeah he was a nice dude that's forgivable too
if you're a priest
you're sitting there yeah you just gotta get hammered nightly oh yeah you get
to go to the high school
football games dude being a priest and you get to give a fucking pump up prayer
you ever have that
i'd have to get a couple of me for that we had priests give us pump up prayers
i've seen them do it
yeah like our lady of victory pray for us they'd give you like a biblical thing
about smiting your
enemies before the big game in the locker room oh pretty tight don't fire me up
nobody's awake
just a shithouse priest being like dude fucking send these motherfuckers to
hell
and you're on porn hub later that night you're like
yeah it's a crazy life man especially the dudes who are doing it seriously dude
the guys who are on
like a pure thing of like i'm gonna completely get salvation for my soul
fuck that's hard
who's a retarded kid
huh
who's a retarded kid
all right on this couch
oh
who's a retarded kid from my high school
named doug who was like all in on priesthood like he was like once i graduate i'm
becoming
a priest and i'm going to be the fucking man
did he did
oh nice
yeah
why is he retarded
because he's actually like a retarded man
oh really
i don't know i think he kind of like is pretend priesting and they kind of
damn that'd be nice to get confession from a retarded guy
it's like i'm gonna need you to sing three baby sharks
fire department's probably relieved they're like thank god
what do you mean
our roster's full
oh yeah
you're either volunteer or firefighter
it's crazy when retarded guys opt to the priesthood dude
otherwise you just sit with a dalmatian all day
he's a big firefighter the firefighters like god damn thank god
no they need they do need special needs guys to volunteer to feed the dalmatians
for sure
that's what they do
for sure
that's a sick gig too
they're great boys dude
that's a good gig
dude i was at a
where the hell
i was at a grocery store
in atlanta
and their greeter was retarded
yeah
it was the best man
because usually you get like you get some dude in there who's like
oh i'm fucking i hate this job
this dude came in it was like
it was an absolutely enlivening greeting
i was just like
fuck man how you great day
you know it was fantastic
rather than like
i've walked through walmart sometimes
and it's just like i swear to god
if i walked past ladies
where like i think if i looked them in the eye
it turned to stone
you walk by them
they're just like
walmart medusa
they're just staring all the way
walmart medusa
they're just like staring through the cinder blocks
just thinking about their life
and you're like
all right i'm gonna just avoid this person
oh it's a tough one
brutal dude
i can't believe they still have greeters
they have them yeah
they have the security details
funny thing to call retarded people
i used to walk by
dude i would back when i would steal from walmart
when i was a checkout thief
i would do it so brazenly
because i would look at them and be like
this guy is somewhere else right now
like literally they're somewhere
they hate their job so much
that they're mentally elsewhere
and i would just like
put stuff in a bag
and look at them
like they're not even looking
and i'd walk past them
like here's my receipt
with literally one thing on it
and i have four bags
and i'd be like
here you go
and they would just go
dude i told you i went to that
uh mentally handicapped movie theater
what
i went to
it was in
it was in new york
what
everybody that worked there
had down syndrome
nice
that theater
fucking rocked
it's the best dude
they were so pumped
dude they fucking get you the popcorn
and then be like
what movie are you going to see
tell them they're like
holy shit
it's the fuck
holy shit
it's so good
yeah dude
they're absolute angels bro
absolute angels
and some of that skank fest
covid i have
i think i had it two weeks ago
after my wedding
but my bob
you know i've recovered from it
i think
i actually probably did
because
at rogi's
i got that antibody test
and they said
you've come in contact
with it recently
my body said
nah
yeah dude
it's
hot i'm telling you
hot bath and eat spicy food
and it goes away
that's my
that's what i do for me personally
i'm obviously not a doctor
i'm not giving up medical advice
every time that i think
i have covid
and i didn't get a test
because i didn't feel like it
i would go take a hot bath
and dude it kills it every time
that would probably have some benefit
i'm telling you dude
i think
every time i feel a little sick
i just scorch
i give myself a fever
yeah
it kills it
i like grasping for everything
other than the vax
it's very funny to be like
i think this might work
i do it for myself
yo
they're bringing leeches back in
they're bringing leeches back
into medical technology
it's about time
i'm telling you
they're starting to use leeches again
that shit worked
for what
blood shit
i don't know bro
look it up you know
i'm not a fucking doctor dude
i just heard
I'm not a fucking doctor
you get your ass beat
i was watching a youtube video
on ashwagandha
and they talked about
how they're using leeches a