Name: Ep 371 - ... UGH
Uploaded: 2021-11-17T19:11:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 371 - ... UGH' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 371 - ... UGH' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-17. Transcript available.

Ep 371 - ... UGH

wow wow west ugh what's up dude hello what's going on friend how are you pretty
good man
doing all right pretty good actually you might think that i wore these silly
socks today but
then oh i didn't i forgot that wasn't on purpose no these are my i have like
tiers of my favorite
socks these are probably like level three out of how many tiers uh about five
or six oh yeah i have
like five different species these are medium socks for you yeah they're
hospital socks they have grip
oh that's nice it's nice those comfy shoes oh dude it's crazy i'm wearing my
cool notre dame dude
basically i'm on the team at this point you're like the heisman trophy itself
dude dude that's
touching you're flexible bro i am flexible i could suck my own dick dude you're
about to get roasted
rogie's got in trouble for saying well you didn't get in trouble everybody
thinks why would they use
that against you it's funny to make fun of somebody for a joke they made yeah
to be like yeah i'm i'm
fat and then people be like yo he's fat oh like dude you can't make fun of rogie's
for the joke he made
yeah dude he said something silly he might be able to too i believe him yeah i
don't think he would
lie he said i think he did it he said he got it close he said he got he wanted
to get it close so he
knew he could do it i think he tapped a closed mouth i think he did as a drill
where it was like
yeah all right oh man yeah in a bind i have this in my back pocket yeah dude
planes going down
dude that's kind of what they tell that's still what they tell you to do what
try to when you when
you look at the diagram that you basically try to suck your own dick before you
die everyone in the
picture their face is like right down in their lap oh yeah true yeah that's
what we're supposed to do
i don't listen to those anymore they bother me i go i always those
announcements are so
fucking annoying yeah they're pretty like in a case of a water accident it's
like dude if there's
a plane crash in the water we're just dead we're fried knock it off yeah yeah i
like i read the uh
every time we fly when i fly with my i pull the thing out and i read the story
of people crashing to
maya like and then the plane went down and everyone was swimming in a raft yeah
a baby a lot of them do
cool videos they some where they like have like a cool video showing you a
plane accident do they
really know they don't show the plane crash but they're like in case of an
emergency it's all it's
like a diversity group like you know it's like a commercial group of model
models that would be in
commercials yeah like oh in case of a horrific plane accident you know yeah it's
some hot babe
comedy yeah they should show what it's like they should show real footage they
should or just like
a movie it should be like yo this could happen yeah but get ready like i hope
it doesn't but just so
you know just so you know here's 9 11 footage when you guys were bitching about
taking off 15 minutes
late yeah here's what could happen this is something yeah yeah it's why we
check shit and kind of wait
so we don't crash into a plane yeah i don't like when they're willy-nilly yeah
dude you guys
what you want to rush i like them to take their time me too if i'm sitting on
the tarmac for like
three hours i'm like good yep exactly please check this thing the out dude the
full yeah the full
it's funny i was on a plane yesterday and while i was taking a piss i was like
right on the other side of this is just death it's pretty funny nothing yeah
yeah i like that on a plane
what you finally did craft on a plane dude on the way out to san diego i took a
dump dude it's the best
i never sat down and flushed that's a wild feeling wait what i was sitting down
i didn't want the i
didn't want the turd to lay on the steel the open the prison toilet that i was
using
and so i was flushing as turds were coming out oh really you were dropping one
by one
i didn't you're a carpet bombing yeah i had to i had to you can't leave a turd
on the on the sure you
can dude bro that's crazy you're a customer of their aircraft i understand that
there's other
customers they'd be comfortable it's not like when you fart on it the fart
smells that come out on the
flight are so funny just everyone just farting and like no one's gonna know and
but a dump a dump
coming from the front everybody knows especially i'm walking pilots catching
that pilot yeah pilots
like uh what the hell is that uh i said i said i dumped hard on the on the
aircraft it was
yeah but uh you're flushing non-stop people probably appreciate crap probably
yeah you took a crap a
crapula i dug through the ditches up there and uh actually this is good you're
gonna like this on
flight back i sat sat next to a severely autistic man what yeah he was wild he's
the arabic yeah
autistic man that was like as he was coming down the aisle he was like i i
heard him yell he's like
somebody's in my seat i was like holy who is this it was so loud i could hear
it over my music and he
was at the front of the plane took it out to watch him i was the guy in the
seat and he was like um
excuse me you're in seat b i am in seat b and i was like i think it's uh and
the guy in front of
me was like no that's b and i was like all right i was like do you want to just
sit there and he's
like i can't my luggage i was like all right i'll move i'll move it's not a big
deal and uh i sat there
the whole flight dude this guy was screaming what he got a sandwich he was like
it's frozen
and the and the store just was like it can't be frozen i know it's not frozen
he's like my sandwich
is frozen and she was like everybody else ate their sandwich and it wasn't a
big deal he's like
maybe they ate frozen sandwiches it was crazy he's an absolute hero he was a
hero but he was
having fun he was excited dude he spent 45 minutes easily just up in the front
with the tortoises
talking about planes and shit jesus christ and then he came back and sat next
to me and turned on his
fucking light and it was it was first class dude you know me you know me and
the autistic dudes fly
first he had a spotlight on his fucking laptop for no reason i was fuming and
then he was screaming dude
screaming the whole flight dude i saw the ultimate fat battle on a flight not
too long ago it was a
like this lady was questionably should have paid an extra ticket in front of
this other guy who was
also a large dude yes you witnessed the battle i had that one time dude this
was not this was another
level i'm pretty sure the dude was banded up to i think he had braces on so the
guy hit like arm braces
and he's sitting in the back wait what this there was a fucking like seriously
having braces like
wrist yeah like the roller blade oh she's at least one he had at least one
wrist he had his bowling
yeah he had bowling gear yeah so he said like you know travel in case you're
flying you need to keep
the wrist on good so he's sitting there he's geared up a lady goes to try to
put her seat back and he just
goes that might have been what the braces were for hits her with the fucking
power fists and dude
this lady's rocking him trying to get back dude he he was like the whole entire
flight it was a two
and a half hour flight he had one hand he'd put his knee up he would constantly
switch and he'd read
a book with his other hand and she would every now and again go like this and
he would just go
oh my god double fisters it was the best i've ever seen i've i i have engaged
in this battle not that
hard though dude i'll fucking put a knee as hard as i can into the seat he held
it occasionally she
never got back she never reclined he held the wall that's incredible the whole
flight dude he was go
reading a book switch hands and then he would kind of loosen up and it's hard
to come back and it would
just go bam dude held it the whole time this is a big dog it's fun to watch
well dude he's right next
to us a big dog a big female dog like that she would not like that oh dude she
was furious they
hate they hate any inconvenience big family couldn't breathe she probably had
to recline to breathe yeah
hunch forward yeah dude that's right on your diaphragm
and then a bro holding the line dude no chance it was so perfect pass protect
by the way oh it was
insane that's no lineman it was insane dude she never she never broke she never
broke 90 degrees
he wouldn't give her an inch that's what it's about because they did come back
she was a nose guard you saw a nose tackle versus a classic tackle
and he would hit so hard can we pause real quick i forgot i ordered food i'm so
sorry
you ordered more food no yeah i ordered food for the homestead but your body
makes me crazy
sick hilarious what are we talking about the guy we're talking about the flight
yeah sorry about
that by the way oklahoma drilled with a fat lady on a plane that's sick wouldn't
stop one-on-one he
was he was even like holding his own next the person next to him he was like
keeping airspace to the
right making sure he didn't get invaded to the armrest he was fighting on two
fronts yeah he's on the
he's on the northern and the eastern front yes fighting two battles
simultaneously it's crazy while
reading a book he was fighting leg space to this way and then being like it was
unbelievable i mean
i respect it i get on there and i i that's all i think about some dude some
guys pay for first
class some guys earn it true the first class isn't given dude it's earned it's
earned and that guy
earned it he turned coach into comfort plus dude really he's like how much is
covered plus 100 bucks
i got that i'll save 100 bucks and just create space dude it's nice to do it
you gotta create
create space with the defender dude so you went to rave shout out to the ec
twins dude damn ec twins all
day dude being in the age of internet twins are like an automatic ticket to
success island boys the
island boys those other there's those two white guys that were like twin those
two black republican
twins oh yeah those guys if you're a twin you like you're you're gonna crush oh
my god probably gonna
make at least 500 000 a year if you just start anything online but hey we're
twins they were the ec twins
they were talking to me because they're fans of the podcast and they were
talking about how they're road
dogs they're not like world famous djs they get big gigs sometimes but they're
like we're similar
like to comics like we got a big gig that was a good gig it wasn't it was it
looked great in that
video oh okay it was in a it wasn't like a huge rate gotcha but they they went
hard dude they put on
a show yeah and they're working to please a lot of babes that's like that's
babe paradise dude just
what you showed me of like dude i got there i got so they i didn't know they
were in town they
didn't know i was in town but they were driving to their venue which happened
to me right
around the corner yeah and they were like they're they're from manchester so it's
hilarious they like
started they filmed the line outside of my show and like is this for you for shane
gillis oh shane
come to our show mate after that i was like yeah come to mine for it so they
came to my show first
and it was funny i could see him in the back like you know how you can't see
anybody i can see
their two cowboy hats at the silhouette it has to be the djs but then we went
over after and the rave
had already started sick so i get in there and they brought me on onto the dj
stand and we're like
this is the best fucking comedian in the world shane gillis and it's just a
bunch of 22 year old
girls that were like they had no clue who i was except one lady so this dude
one dude was there who
knew who i was so there's a booth like a you saw the picture i showed you there's
a booth right next to
the dj stand with like that's for you that's the vip section i was worried dude
i was wearing a classic
ll bean i was wearing the bean and just you were raved out i looked i looked
like a father i was just
drinking coors lights with my arms