Name: Ep 373 - Strictly Business (feat. Chris O'Connor)
Uploaded: 2021-12-07T04:44:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 373 - Strictly Business (feat. Chris O'Connor)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 373 - Strictly Business (feat. Chris O'Connor)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-07. Transcript available.

Ep 373 - Strictly Business (feat. Chris O'Connor)

Wow, wow, Wes.
It's time for the podcast.
What's going on, bro?
Matt.
What's happening?
We're here with Stuff Islands, half of Stuff Islands, Chris O'Connor.
McDonald's.
Chris O'Connor.
I do like McDonald's, although I've been on a Taco Bell kick.
Chris, if you ain't that Chick-fil-A, Chris is at Taco Bell.
Was that an order from the cantina when I pulled up?
No, that is, I got just a bacon, egg, and cheese.
Chris O'Connor this morning.
Really?
But last night.
You're on a strict bacon, egg, and cheese diet.
And he eats half the bacon, egg, and cheese.
And I saved the other half for later.
And then later in the afternoon, munch, munch on a bacon, egg, and cheese.
Yeah, and it's usually, unless Tommy sneaks in and grabs it.
What are your-
Tommy scoops them?
Tommy scoops it.
And he always has the same excuse.
He goes, I thought you weren't going to eat it.
You better watch out.
I know, we talked about it.
I'm going to come out and bang you up.
How are your bowel movements?
Dude, you know what?
I've been hanging out with a lady recently, and I've been, I guess I've just
been farting
without thinking about it.
I love all your bowel movements revolve around being around a girl, which is
very sick.
No, no.
It's because you start hanging out with a lady, you got to time them out.
They're an ass.
Oh, you know, dude, first date, I took a dump.
I tell her that I'm going in the bathroom to fart.
Dude, you have to just, you have to be like, I'm taking a shit.
I'll be right back.
Yeah.
First date.
I did it the first time I went in her apartment.
I was like, hold up.
I came out like 11 minutes later.
You said, hold up, little mama.
Hold up, little mama.
I got the motherfucking bubble guts.
I have to.
I got the bubbly guts.
That's the strongest thing you can do on a first date.
Take a shit.
Just say, pardon me.
You take your napkin, put it back on the table and say, I have to excuse myself.
You go off like a half an hour.
Yeah.
At least a half hour.
Don't even shit.
Just look at your phone and then come back out.
That's right.
Day two, I did that.
I took a hard crap.
You took a dump day two.
Day two.
Also evaded the question.
How are your bowel movements?
They're good.
I have a pretty consistent.
Every once in a while, I get one that's a little messy.
A little fucked up.
Could you demonstrate a log with your hand?
What kind of logs are you working with?
Solid logs?
Yeah, solid logs.
Yeah, yeah.
Get a crumbled pillar.
I have a couple where I have to stand up.
It's so long.
Sometimes it looks like ancient ruins.
Ruins, dude.
Absolute ruins.
Wait, weren't we just making fun of poor countries for being in ruins?
I could have swore we were making fun of Mexicans for living in ruins.
Go back to your ruins.
It wasn't us.
All right.
Pretty funny, though.
Well, I must have been being racist somewhere else.
It would be nice if America had more ruins.
I'd like to go.
No, we do.
We just destroyed our ruins.
Yeah, we did.
We just built on top of it.
And they weren't built out of the most durable material.
Our ruins were built out more out of, like, sticks and shit.
Yeah.
Well, we have that one.
Isn't there, like, the Pueblo people?
They built into the...
Careful, Chris.
...to the rock.
Careful, Chris.
I'll hold your horses.
Pull up.
That's real.
We have a Plymouth rock.
That's, you know...
Yeah.
That was the rock that was there.
Yeah.
Yeah, we don't have, like, Stonehenge, like, dolmens and stuff.
We've got some mounds down south.
True.
Some Indians were piling dirt.
True.
Nice work, dumbasses.
Nice going, morons.
A snake mound.
Don't we have those, yeah, we have those, like, yeah, hill-type things.
What is it called when they do a flat...
Actually, it's called a henge.
Like, Stonehenge, it's not just the rocks.
They flatten...
They completely flatten the area.
Oh, nice.
They tamp it.
So, it's like a circle, yeah, and they tamp it up.
So, it's like a totally artificially flat circle they made.
People don't give the landscape the credit.
Everyone's worried about the thing sticking out.
How they got all that shit up there.
Yeah, people don't remember about the henge part of Stonehenge, dude.
Yes.
Right.
That's a lot of dirt.
That's a lot of...
It's about the negative space.
Exactly.
Yeah, look into that, dude.
Why don't you start looking into that, Chris?
I want to get a nice henge in my backyard.
Just a nice, flat, artificially flat surface.
Yeah.
Well, don't you have, like, a slab?
Don't you have a concrete slab back there?
Yeah, I did a couple things in my backyard.
I unearthed the concrete slab that was...
You were looking for, like, bugs and rocks, right?
No, no.
I had a level in my backyard.
Oh.
We had some water coming in.
So I had to, like, eye it up and see how I could divert the water.
My family's really into that.
My dad loves diverting water via landscaping.
Really?
Oh, dude.
Yeah, that does.
Our basement used to be gushing, dude.
That is cool as hell.
The closest I've come is sandcastles, but that's always a very enjoyable moment
when you dig out a little tunnel for the water.
It's all the same thing, dude.
Yes.
It's all the same thing.
But, yeah, we were getting big-time water in our basement, and he laid some
landscaping.
He's really into, like, surveying where water's coming and how to, like, block
it away from the house.
Yeah, that's nice.
A lot goes into it.
Controlling, managing water.
I like managing water in the shower.
Let it run down my arm, and I point it at things.
Yeah, you do.
Like a loogie I spit on the fucking tub, and I'm like, you gotta get rid of
that.
I keep it lower than this.
It's all right.
It is.
It's a forced push.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Sick move.
And I divert it.
That's legendary.
Mm-hmm.
So fucking fun.
That's my new move to anybody out there that wants to try to heckle me.
Dude.
You're getting hit with that.
That's something you hear, and you instantly want to steal.
Do it.
I could do that.
You can do it.
No.
I'd be happy if you did it.
That's urine, bro.
No, I'd like you to do it.
Do you understand that?
I'd like you to do, I think you, I don't know if I want you to do Hadouken, but
I want
you to do a.
Oh, you're so fucking.
No, I want you to do a, who's the, who's the Marvel guy that you liked?
You're talking about, what are you talking about from Street Fighter?
No, no, I'm talking in Doctor.
Oh, Doctor Strange.
Yeah, I want you to.
If someone starts heckling you, just hit him with like a.
Dude, sending a fireball, someone who's heckling you is the best.
Yeah, get to the jokes.
It would be nice if you spotted a guy kind of leaning on his chair and hit him.
Oh, and if he fell.
I mean, that would, it'd be over.
I might set up a plant and start putting YouTube videos out about Hadouken and
hacklers.
Have like a fake bad fall.
Like, dude, that's crazy.
Oh my God, guys, that's crazy.
You should get, how much you think it would cost to have security, like your
own security
at a comedy club who would like fucking like scared, like jack people up.
Scream in people's faces.
Yeah, like fuck them up.
Holy fuck, that'd be awesome.
It'd be a couple, it'd be a few hunch.
I could give a guy 50 bucks at most clubs.
Yeah, yeah.
You'd be like, dude, motherfucker this, dude.
Yeah, true.
Like if somebody talks, get in their face and be like, shut the fuck up.
I'll fuck your wife.
I'll fuck your wife.
That'd be an easy fix.
Yeah.
Hit him with a couple of fucking, maybe a huger and like 50 bucks.
Yeah, give him an Adderall.
I'll give him a fucking huge.
Give him an Adderall.
I'll be like, dude, go wild on everybody.
I'll give you $100 and fucking 30 milligrams of Adderall to keep this thing
totally contained.
Just making girls cry.
Yeah.
Shut up, you fucking bitch.
You bitch.
He has to be big enough to beat up anyone's boyfriend in the room.
What are you going to do, pussy?
Shut up.
Get like three of them.
Three giant dudes.
Fuck you.
Surround the table.
Just three major pains, dude.
Yeah.
Yes.
And rain hell on anybody.
Somebody orders too loud, be like, boys, destroy this fucking guy.
You could do this.
Yeah, not in any funny way, though.
No, no, no, no.
Like, I want to destroy hecklers without like wit or anything funny.
No good comebacks.
Just force.
Just pure violence.
They don't kick him out.
They just stand around the table and eat his food.
And hoot at him, eat his food.
Jeer at his girlfriend.
Big Revolutionary War soldiers, dude.
Yes.
And never stop.
You have to give him quarters, too.
They will take quarters.
They will sit down at your table and start eating.
That would be, dude, I'm telling you, you could do this and run a very tight
ship.
Yeah.
And people would be, they'd be like, yo, chill with that.
Like, if they get caught with a phone, you fucking step on it.
Yeah.
I wonder how much it would cost to maybe rig up some type of pulley system.
So if you did hit someone with a Hadouken, they flew to the back of the room.
You know, or elevate, levitated, and you force hold them.
That's what I thought.
Shut the fuck up.
Dude, that would be so sick.
You should go to helium or wherever else and come down, like, from, like, nine
feet from
the ceiling on a cable.
Because you could rig yourself up.
Like, if they start getting you mad, you start levitating.
If you were all black and they put you up in the ceiling and after the feature,
like, the
hose comes back out and you just slowly descend.
You've been there the whole time.
You've been up there.
You could do this, dude.
How dedicated are you?
I'd be so happy.
What?
It would be so funny if they noticed me during the feature set just on the roof.
Like a bat, dude.
You'd have to trick out the lighting so you can't be.
Descend slow.
A true, a true vampiric entrance.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, there's so much sick shit you could do.
Yeah, if you got pullied out and I was supposed to be levitating, but I was too
heavy, so my
feet just dragged.
You should be attached to a pulley at all times and have, like, your one leg
lift.
You should add, like, an aerial aspect to your show.
Yeah, a little Cirque du Soleil type.
Just fucking butt.
Just occasionally, like, ride up a curtain.
You could do this.
It's what it means.
Dude, you could do this.
You know what would be tight is to run along the back wall at Helium real quick?
Oh, my God.
A little crouching tiger out of nowhere.
Oh, my God.
Just popping all your tippy toes?
Dude, that'd be so sick if you just jumped and just fucking levitated and came
down.
And never acknowledged it.
Just back to the show.
I mean, how much were you talking?
To get a little crouching tiger action.
Probably not that much.
Because I was like, shut up, Dad.
And you just fucking ran along the walls.
Would you guys rather 16 on your dad or get shot in the head?
Bam.
Fuck, man.
Now that's a show.
That's a show.
I want to get into showmanship, dude.
You are a bit of a showman.
You played the flute.
I'm tipping my toes in the water.
I played Piper myself out on stage.
I actually was just talking to Chris about this.
I'm getting too much into showmanship.
What are you talking about?
How's that been possible?
Half my set, there's not even material.
I'm just up there like, have you guys heard of this?
Have you thought of this?
Have you even thought of it?
Yeah, but it's so fun.
It's fun, but it's going to make for a bad hour.
Live, it'll be fun.
This next hour, you should go pure physical comedy.
Big energy, act outs.
Demand a lot from the crowd.
I just want to demand more.
I need the crowd to give me more, dude.
Dude, if you combine pulley and flute.
You start playing and elevated.
I mean, you could save yourself.
Now we're talking a show.
You could genuinely save yourself the trouble of developing material with just
a little bit of fucking.
Yeah, you smash watermelons.
True.
You can go through.
I mean, I don't know his material.
I'm sure it was great.
I might shove a watermelon up my ass.
Give birth.
But yeah, dude, all good things.
Let me tell you this.
This is something going on.
Tell me this.
A guy I know passed away two days ago, an