Name: Ep 374 - Willard Smith
Uploaded: 2021-12-14T21:41:44.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 374 - Willard Smith' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 374 - Willard Smith' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-14. Transcript available.

Ep 374 - Willard Smith

Wow, wow, Wes.
That gypsy scale is too much, bro.
I can't believe this is still going.
That gypsy scale.
I really can't believe it.
This is a lifelong dedication, dude.
No, I can't.
I'm as much as a flutist as I am a comedian.
You're a flautist.
Possibly more of a flautist.
You are a bit of a flautist.
You're flautistic, dude.
You're fucked up.
I'm getting a keyboard.
That would be nice.
Yeah, I'm getting a keyboard.
I'd like you to start playing piano.
That would be sick.
I love piano, bro.
That's a cool thing to be good at.
I come from a family of penis, dude.
Really?
My dad's grandfather played piano in the bars.
What?
That's how he etched out.
Yeah, that's how he made a couple bucks.
That's awesome.
Great grandpa would play in the fucking saloon.
And, dude, my one cousin, I've like...
In the saloons of Philly?
In the saloons of Southwest Philadelphia, dude.
In like the 60s, people are like,
man, turn that shit the fuck off.
Yeah, my dad for a few years lived in Southwest Philadelphia.
He was a fresh prince.
Was he?
He was a fresh penis?
He was down there getting his ass beat at bars.
It runs in my family.
I have cousins who are just like savants on piano.
It's pretty nuts.
Yeah, you have several autistic people in your family.
The whole...
I think our whole family's autistic.
Our one cousin nailed it.
She's like, our whole family's in too deep.
We're all so autistic, we don't know it.
Yeah.
But we're in too deep, dude.
Yes.
It runs in the fam.
Well, you guys have all bullied each other into some type of weird like,
nah, this is...
I'm this.
I'm this.
And then you guys have all bullied each other like Bill's out of his mind, dude.
Yeah.
And he might be the most sane.
I can't tell if he's the craziest or the most sane.
Isn't that wild?
Yeah, I can't tell.
I genuinely can't tell if Billy's absolutely the craziest or the most sane.
Who can tell?
Yeah.
I don't think he knows.
Well, yeah, it's like the one thing, like if two balls are moving, who knows
which ball
is actually moving.
It's true.
It's true.
It's the space between them just increasing.
The first, like early when I met Billy, I'd be like, why are you doing all this?
Because he's like, I wake up at this time, I'm jacked, I work hard.
I was like, why?
Why are you doing it?
He's like, I'm bulletproof, dude.
You can't make fun of me.
I was like, damn.
Damn.
Yeah.
It's funny.
Yeah, dude.
I mean, it's, yeah, it's definitely, my family is deep roots of autism, dude.
Yeah.
Just like futile autism.
Just like, yes, my Lord.
I think that's why we vibe, dude.
My family is deeply into the syndrome, dude.
We're all, yeah.
True.
I get home, everyone's like, no.
We're just two powerful clans, dude.
Two powerful.
Good clans, the ones with a C.
Yes.
Not the bad K clans, dude.
Let's not get that twisted.
We do not support the Ku Klux Klan at all.
No.
Do you see Da Vinci Code?
Hold on, I want to tell you this.
As many autists as you guys have, we have several offensive linemen in my
family.
Do you know?
My whole family's offensive line, dude.
That's hard syndrome stuff.
But everyone else is offensive line adjacent, though.
That's the other thing.
That's the syndrome.
Offensive line's a continuum.
Yeah.
So there's a lot of people who are, like, just on the verge of offensive linemanship.
Yes.
So, yeah, it's pretty sick.
That's definitely the most autistic position in football.
No, it's the most syndrome.
Oh, yeah.
The syndrome.
True, true.
That makes sense.
That makes sense.
What would you say the most autist position in football is?
Fullback?
Fullback.
Not QB, dude.
Most autistic position.
Is there such a thing?
Kicker.
Possibly.
No, I don't know.
Now that you're mentioning it, offensive line also definitely has a lot of that,
too.
I remember being.
Just like, I'm here to block for the guys running the ball.
I'm selfless.
But that's also syndrome.
True.
Well, football's just for the fellas.
True.
It's just for the boys.
It doesn't even matter.
That was the dude when the coach would tell me that in peewee football, being
like,
you guys are the unsung hero.
Dude, I fucking love that.
I genuinely prided myself on that for years after being football.
I take it back.
The syndrome has a lot of glory hounds.
They love.
They're like, I want to score the touchdown.
You watch those fucking glory hounds when they get the ball.
Autists are role players, dude.
Autists are role players.
True.
The syndrome are glory hounds for sure.
There's always those videos of dudes with the syndrome coming in and just
drilling threes.
Basketball games.
You are right about that.
They are absolutely glory hounds.
Yeah.
But yeah, dude.
What about the Da Vinci Code?
It reminded me.
I was watching it last night.
And that was the very beginning of it.
He shows Ku Klux Klan people.
And he's like, what do you think of this robe?
And everyone's like, racist.
And he's like, actually, these are what the priests in Spain wear.
Bam.
Next slide.
And I was like, shit, Hanks.
He was saying some priests used to wear it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was a holy gown.
Yeah, they still wear it.
Do they really?
I was just watching an Anthony Bourdain in Spain episode.
They do this festival where literally everybody walks down the streets in Klan's
robes.
What are they pumped on?
Some statue of like a saint.
And then they go cut bulls heads off.
It's a good day.
Yeah, he busts out the swastika in the beginning.
He's like, actually, this is a chill ass symbol too.
He's like, you guys all know shit.
I can't believe people are still flexing on that.
Did you know that this wasn't just Nazi stuff?
Dude, so I watched Da Vinci Code.
Yeah, everyone knows that.
Da Vinci Code is just, it is stoner knowledge.
The whole movie.
Dude, anything that popped up, I'd be like, well, yeah.
And Brittany's like, how do you know this stuff?
I was like, got in the constant scene.
I got high in fifth grade.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, I sniffed chalkboard cleaner when I was 10 with my boy.
Did you ever huff?
No, I don't think I did.
I huffed.
Only twice.
I didn't huff.
I wasn't a huffer.
I don't think I ever got high.
I would try to smell things.
I was always a bit timid.
I was always like, I want to be cool and do drugs, but I was always very afraid
of them.
I read about huffing in a library book and then tried it.
Until now.
Now I fucking love drugs.
I was the opposite, bro.
My rock star lifestyle ended at fifth grade with chalkboard cleaner.
I don't think I even got high.
I just got nervous and dizzy and sick.
And I was like, that book might be on to something about why these things are
bad.
I was worried about the huffer's rash.
That's the thing you want to avoid.
They certainly are.
Because they would spray it in a paper bag and then you huff out of a bag.
That's how you knew a huff head, dude.
Whatever.
You see the rash.
You see that rash.
You know that guy.
So that's bad news.
That guy huffs household cleaning problem.
Sucks nobody huffs anymore.
That was an epidemic back in the day.
Yeah.
Just people, dude, sniffing gasoline.
Sniffing tanks.
We got it.
Yo, on the way home, we're going to hit a truck stop.
I'm going to introduce you guys to sniffing some tanks.
Go right to a trucker's thing.
Uncrack it.
I'm going to breathe.
He's like, get the hell out of here, you damn kids.
He's like, yeah, yeah.
But it was tight.
I got to flex on Britney with Christian, Roman knowledge.
I'd be like, well, yeah, dude.
Fucking Council of Nicaea.
Dude, it was blowing her mind.
Yeah.
How do you know this stuff?
I was like, shh.
Da Vinci Code's got you.
For sure.
We're almost done.
We're halfway through.
Oh, really?
You guys paused the movie?
Yeah, dude.
It's a three-hour movie.
Is it?
Bedtime's 9 p.m.
Yeah, Da Vinci Code's three fucking hours.
Bedtime's 9 p.m.
Shricked.
You guys have a strict lights out?
She does.
I lay in bed and listen to audiobooks usually.
Under the covers of audiobooks?
No under the covers, dude.
No under the covers.
Dude, I had.
You don't want to head down there, dude.
I had, dude, crippling.
Yeah.
Did you ever have constipated diarrhea?
Dude, I never had constipated.
I've had it all, bro.
Dude, I couldn't.
It was the most insane thing.
I was hiding them.
I was actually concealing them perfectly under the covers.
And she would move and fucking the air would escape.
And it, dude, I was, I, my farts per hour, I was probably doing nine farts per
hour.
Like for 72 hours.
I was like genuinely afraid.
She caught me in the middle of me like switching my diet of being like, I got
to, I'm just eating
fucking chicken and brunch.
She's like, dude, you're constipated, relax, your whole family does this.
You guys go on some weird thing.
Just wait.
Yeah.
Your butt will be fine.
Just go get some fiber gummies.
I should.
Munch them.
You'll like that.
I've had those.
They're good.
They're so nice, dude.
You just dump piles.
You just drop horse piles for like a week.
I was off the oatmeal.
I was on the oatmeal and everything was going well.
Oh, that's Pile City.
Yeah.
I was on the oatmeal every day.
And then I started eating a couple of things in my head that I ate that I'm
kind of figuring
out.
I was on oatmeal for a while.
Were you?
Yeah, dude.
Pile City.
The piles come out nice.
Back in my poor days, it'd be beans and oatmeal.
That was all the cheapest shit I could find.
Yeah, dude.
I spent the whole night just waking up and just like farting loudly on the
toilet and just
coming back shamefully to bed.
She's like, did you go to the bathroom?
I'd be like, no.
No.
She's like, I thought I heard you.
Like, that was just farts.
Oh, I do that.
That's what you mean?
I do that constantly.
Really?
Yeah, I'd be like, oh, fuck.
My stomach feels terrible.
It feels like a dump.
And then you go sit there and fart and just look at your phone.
But a little comes out.
Yeah.
I got a very little bit.
Like a snake.
Yeah, exactly.
But I was feeling the waves of diarrhea.
One thin snake.
Finally, the sweet release, dude, is upon me.
And it would just be like, and then like a little snake.
And I'd be like back to bed with the same old.
And you got a wipe with a definite dump in there.
Oh, dude.
It was fucking horrible.
I had like Jackson ass.
It was like I had dog ass, dude.
Dude, all weekend.
And then it gets to the point where you're farting so much that they start
bringing up medical shit.
And you're like, all right, enough.
I don't have fucked up butt stuff, dude.
Let it go.
Yeah.
That was my whole weekend.
Just watching a Da Vinci code a little bit at a time.
Like trapping fucking farts under blankets for my dear life.
Yeah, I wonder what he munched that did that.
I ate a whole bag of yucca fries.
So right now it's the, I was averaging like a carton of hummus a day.
And I add like really spicy ghost pepper jerk seasoning to the hummus.
Or like curry, some kind of thing.
And then a bag of yucca.
I don't do it.
I think, dude, I don't know.
Ghost pepper, hummus, daily?
Yeah.
Yeah, you must have been unleashed in hell in those blankets.
It was wicked, dude.
Yeah.
But I think it all culminated.
The bag of yucca fries was a pig out.
I think the yucca fries got stuck.
I don't even know what those are.
What are they?
Yucca is like kind of like a.
It's all fucked.
It's a root.
Dude, just eat Doritos.
Knock it off.
Eat crap, dude.
Dude, yucca fucking rules.
Enough of this.
Mumbo jumbo.
I don't know what it was, dude.
I've been trying to, I've been doing the Da Vinci code on everything I ate.
Just like, I think it was the yucca fries.
Yes.
What do you think of all these paintings now that you're big into the Da Vinci
code right now?
Hold on.
I'm trying to get my, the best one.
She's like, do you have the deadic memory?
He was like, not really, but I do remember stuff really well.
I mean, dude, I just want to see the Mona Lisa, dude.
Swap them.
And she's right next to him.
Whoa.
You see that?
Yeah.
I vaguely remember that.
There's the wedge.
Yes.
Feminine.
That's the fucking, that's the thing, dude.
The feminine.
The V.
That's the holy grail, dude.
The