Name: Ep 377 - The Plague
Uploaded: 2022-01-05T20:13:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 377 - The Plague' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 377 - The Plague' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-05. Transcript available.

Ep 377 - The Plague

Wow, wow, Wes.
What's up, dude?
I'm fucking back, man.
Oh, man, you're fired up.
Fuck, I'm fired up, man.
You turn it on for the camera.
I do.
What do you want me to say?
You're a showman.
I am.
I'm the greatest showman, dude.
The showman, dude.
The greatest showman, dude.
I am excited.
You were stricken down.
We need to address this.
First things first, dude.
Because there were a lot of thoughts and prayers headed your way.
A lot of T's and P's.
I felt them.
Could you feel the P's?
Oh, yeah.
Could you feel the T's?
Definitely felt the P's more.
Felt the T's for sure.
I mean, they're pretty similar.
Now, you've had some theories going on.
This was your first bout with the Vids.
Yes, hopefully my last.
Hopefully your final.
Because it is not a laughing matter.
It sucked.
It stunk.
I mean, it's pretty funny.
The fact that I got tagged, I was like, I can see the humor of this.
Were you laying there like, I wish I took the vaccine?
No.
Although, I could see the first night that I got it.
Because I couldn't really breathe.
I couldn't take a full breath.
For like four days.
So, I was like, I could see how people go to the hospital from this shit.
For sure.
Because the only thing that kept me doing it was just my foolish pride, bro.
No chance I'm going to the hospital.
I was like, I'll fucking die.
You have to die.
I was like, I'll die before I go to the hospital with this.
You'd be gay.
Wait, weren't we just saying that on stage?
Yes.
Yes.
We were just laughing about it.
Dude, at helium, we were like, yo, if you go to the hospital, you're fucking
gay.
And Matt was laying in bed like, oh, I should go to the hospital.
I was laying in bed being like, I can't get a full breath.
I can't go to the hospital.
Luckily, I taught myself how to belly breathe not too long ago.
So, that's the only, that kind of eases.
That saved your life.
That eases the lungs.
I'm sorry, I'm cutting you off.
Please, please, please.
This is your ordeal.
But I have a lot of questions.
Yeah.
Because you, I don't mean to put you on the spot.
No, go ahead.
But you have a lot of, you have a lot of medical theories of your own.
Did you put any to practice?
Um, I mean, I tested the power of prayer.
Obviously, it worked.
Power of prayer did get you through it.
Power of prayer fucking works.
But the, well, dude, so what happened was.
I said several Our Fathers for you and one Hail Mary.
Did you really?
I think the Hail Mary is probably the God.
The Hail Mary carried me through.
Because the Hail Mary is what you pray in times of desperation.
Oh, yeah.
That's the Hail Mary.
No, I was, the thing that I, so here's, this is a good test.
I, the night I started feeling really shitty, I took a, like a ridiculously
scorching bath.
Yes.
You would have that theory.
I have a, I have a thermometer too.
Yeah.
So I like, I filled it up to 105, let it cool a little bit.
So I probably stepped into like a 104, 103 bath.
Dude, I skyrocketed my fever.
I was so fucked up.
So I was already feverish.
And I was like, let me, I'm going to, I'm going to break this fever down right
now.
Be done with this whole mess.
So just for the listener.
So for the listener, if you do feel like,
you have COVID or early onsets, maybe a hot bath doesn't help.
Dude, I spiked my fever, got out of bed.
I was like, that did not, I don't feel good.
And then I laid there, I laid there.
I ended up going upstairs.
All I could think about was when Rogi said he had it and he was laying next to
his wife
and went, I got to go in the other room.
So I did that for an hour and I was like, no, I got to get out of here.
So prayers and Rogi's.
Rogi's guidance.
Hot bath, prayers, Rogi's.
Although I didn't have any of his fucking medicines, dude.
So I was fucked.
So I, dude, I fucking, I'm laying there.
I'm just sitting there.
I'm like, I don't feel well.
I think I have a fever.
I haven't had a fever in forever.
And I was like, I got to get out of this room.
So I go upstairs and dude, I just laid up there and was just going, oh.
Oh, you were moaning.
Dude, that's all I could do.
My whole body hurt.
My entire body hurt and I was hot, cold.
My thoughts stopped making sense.
Like I was fucked up.
You're delirious.
Fully delirious.
I had brain inflammation.
I swear.
You had brain inflammation?
I looked it up.
COVID can inflame your brain tissue.
Because I, dude, I had a fucking, I had a fucked up case of it.
And also too, like my body.
Now I'm worried.
I'm going to get it again and get crushed.
No, you will breeze through.
That was the one thing, thank God, I was able to do being like, I didn't freak
out.
I just like, I just have to go with this and time will kind of take this away.
So I would like, dude, I'd start ramping myself up.
Like, but if I can't breathe, what if Brittany gets it?
What she did, by the way.
I'm like, we're going back and forth.
And then I would just go, hey, dude, what's going to happen?
This is going to happen.
And dude, I would feel all the tension leave my body.
And I would just lay there and just be like, well, I'll just chill.
If I get that one, I'm in trouble, dude.
The what?
The one you got.
Oh, dude, it was bad.
Now what you should do is what I do, which is take vitamin D.
I take supplements.
I took vitamin D and zinc.
No, no, no.
You're obviously not taking them right.
Vitamin C.
Because Matt, oh, you're a long, you know, he's a long hauler too.
Oh my God, long COVID, dude.
So you got, see the brain inflammation probably came from your lack of vitamin
D.
So what I do, Matt, Matt, listen here.
You mean my omega-3s, bro.
Matt, listen to me.
So I take a nice, I take some garlic.
You got to start taking garlic.
Antiviral, yeah.
You got to start taking garlic.
Yep.
So I'll get you some.
I have some extra garlic.
Hook me up.
All right.
You got to get sunlight.
Like I get vitamin D.
True.
I take vitamin D and then I get sunlight.
What time do you go out in sunlight usually?
Usually by sunset I'm outside for the first time.
Yeah, you want that red wave.
You got to get when the sun's going down where it's lowest in the sky.
You need that red hue from the infrared wave, no doubt.
And I'll give you some health tips to get you through this.
Dude, please.
What you do is have one salad a month.
And as soon as you eat it, your body rejects it.
You have vicious diarrhea.
Probably pushes out all your COVID.
I've gone to Sweetgreen four or five times.
I've had vicious rees.
I'm on site, dude.
As soon as you hit it.
I just witnessed one.
Yeah, you saw it.
We had Sweetgreen after our victorious day at Barstool.
Yeah.
And yes, I mean, salad was in the feces.
Somehow it gets out.
What?
It goes straight through.
What the fuck?
It's crazy.
You shit like an owl.
You just have scat.
Yeah.
It's exactly what you just ate.
A skeleton of the salad comes out.
So yeah, I can give you some health.
Don't worry about that cough.
You still have.
Yeah, it's dude.
So your brain swelled and you had fegurs.
Dude, so the first night I was like, I got to get out of this bedroom.
So I isolated.
I went to my third floor of a guest bedroom and I just laid there and I was
like, fuck
dude, I'm fucked.
Like, I'm fucked.
I have this.
It's official.
I got COVID.
I'm an asshole.
And then Brittany wouldn't let me around.
I couldn't go anywhere near Maya.
Brittany's pregnant too.
So I was like, fuck dude, this sucks.
And then I got two days.
The second day I woke up.
So there's a nighttime.
I was freaking out.
All fucked up.
I woke up that morning and in my head I was like, I think I could still maybe
make a podcast
by Wednesday.
I was like, let me get tested.
Maybe this is like a two day flu.
So I drive.
The only place I could go was 40 minutes away.
So I drive to an urgent care and dude, I was on the road.
Just, it was another thing too.
And I would stand up my brain.
I could feel my pulse in my brain and it'll go.
And like, I would kind of like go in and out of it.
Like I'd feel myself kind of going offline a little bit.
Not like I was going to pass out.
You almost died.
I was fucked up, dude.
I would go be sitting there.
I would feel extremely lightheaded in little like waves of like, with that,
like almost
You better not still be shedding, dude.
If I get that, I'm dead.
No, new CDC.
Actually, no, true.
My, my regimen's too strict.
You'll crush, you'll crush.
I'll be fine.
And you're not, now they're saying you're not contagious until after like three
days.
Isn't that weird?
That's because they need us to work again.
Yeah.
As soon as the Democrats are responsible for the economy, they're like,
actually, you
don't have to stay in bed for 10 days.
Yeah.
My thing, my thing with this is like, all right, so we, you know, you're able
to isolate
this spike protein to make the, you know, um, vaccine or gene.
Some people call it a gene therapy, whatever you can make it.
You can isolate the thing to make a vaccine.
Your name, you're like, Oh, this one's Omicron.
This one's fucking Delta.
And just now you're figuring out when the window of transmissibility is after
two years.
It's like, that's fishy to me, dude.
Yeah.
There's a lot of fishy stuff going on.
It's like, dude, you guys are just figuring this out that people didn't have to
stay inside
for 10 days or yeah.
The other thing you're saying, it's like, they're like, uh, we need to get
people out.
It turns out we're going to need, we actually need to work.
It turns out.
Yeah.
They can't just sit around all day.
Like lazy bums.
Yeah, dude.
Who does that?
But yeah, so that was, that was a revelation.
I was actually came at a good time.
That way I was able to kind of, I didn't have to sit in my house for 10 days.
So five days I was out.
I was like, I'm good.
And I had no choice dude.
Cause they, so I got tested the first day.
You definitely still have it.
I mean, I know they said your body.
I'm going to be pissed off, dude.
You're not going to get it, dude.
I'm telling you, I fucking took so much zinc, dude.
I killed the virus.
The virus is dead.
You think you ended the Omicron?
I might've actually ended it for all people.
It might've went through my body.
It hit your brother.
Yeah.
Billy got it.
Billy's saying that you were milking it and he's tough.
Dude.
I, I just hope Billy is swift recovery, dude.
You know, I look, tell me this.
I like that.
Life's too short, bro.
Like when you're in the grips, when you're in the throes of a fucking
devastating disease
like I was, you start putting things in perspective.
Yeah.
I started saying, I'm going to start eating better.
I'm going to stop being so goddamn stressed.
Mm-hmm.
So, but yeah, I'm not going to look.
So yeah, nothing but love for Bill.
Nothing but love for big Bill, dude.
Baby brother needs some love, dude.
Toughest guy in the world, bro.
He's tough as hell.
He's tough as hell.
He was out.
I know.
He's a long hauler, dude.
He's still coughing.
My family, the men of my family, specifically my dad's side, all kind of got
hit and none
of them would admit they had it.
So they, dude, it was so, they'd be like, I don't fucking have that shit
because Billy
gave my uncle a bunch of shit for it.
And then, so Billy got it, went to work for, he like showed up for a minute
when he realized
he was sick.
He went home and was sleeping.
It's my uncle was like fucking pussy.
The one Billy, Billy was called my uncle a pussy for having it now.
Billy's a pussy.
Then my brother, my brother, my brother, you're a pussy for getting COVID.
For even letting it affect you at all.
You're a pussy in my family.
So my cousin had it and he was like, fuck that, dude.
I don't have this shit.
My brother would call him and he's like, you would hear him like at home, you
hear kids
and shit.
And you know, he's like, he was going home to sleep, doing work.
So yeah, a lot of them Cusker men quietly had it.
We're like, fuck this is enough.
Guys all got crushed.
We all got it.
We all got it at the same time.
Yeah.
But yeah, I'll admit, dude, it fucking, it leveled me for two days, but I never
got to
really chill because I got tested.
I did d