Name: Ep 381 - Pakistan In The Bag
Uploaded: 2022-02-01T22:24:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 381 - Pakistan In The Bag' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 381 - Pakistan In The Bag' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-01. Transcript available.

Ep 381 - Pakistan In The Bag

Wow, wow, Wes.
I'm going to get you like a big fleshlight butt you can smack
right on camera before we start.
Yeah.
Welcome to the God Show.
We're going to do that right after, bro.
We have to do a welcome to the God Show.
What's up, Sean?
You, I believe, are you recording?
So let's keep a good eye on this because I was made to...
Guys, if you're listening to this, join the Patreon
if you want to see my fat moon face zoomed in for 20 minutes.
Sean thought he'd play a goof on me.
He wanted to stab me in the back.
He premeditated the whole way up.
I was like, Sean, don't, Sean.
You knew that would hurt my...
I told him, Sean, whatever you do, don't let the camera...
Don't release 10 minutes of my close-up face listening to a story.
The funniest thing is how slow, over the course of 10 minutes,
it slowly creeps in.
Yeah, it is funny.
There's no denying that.
So obviously it's going to be shown.
But man, what the fuck?
Oh my God, dude.
How's that?
Some guys just have the worst crap luck, dude.
Some guys do have a bad...
Dude, SNL, fired.
I get on...
Now I'm a regular on Joe Rogan.
Canceled by the entire world.
What the hell?
Although I still think it's kind of driving...
That Rogie's is good.
Yeah, I think he's doing pretty well.
Rogie's will survive.
They're trying, though.
They're going to be giving him like the...
You know they're...
I mean, they've probably been doing it for a while.
Digging in the past, hitting old people up.
Like, hey, do you know anything?
Yeah.
Like, that's fucked up, dude.
And then you...
The video he released was good.
Did you watch that?
I noticed they didn't tint his fucking face either.
Yeah.
I saw that.
He looked clear as day.
Why did they do that?
That's crazy.
What was...
Did there ever get a reason for that?
Yeah, because they wanted to make him look like he was sick from COVID.
That was crazy.
He looked healthy.
They made him gray.
They must...
How many Gardinis do you think CNN has to fucking play Premiere Trix?
A lot.
Yeah, a lot of Gardinis.
I'm checking at my lip, eventually.
What do you mean?
Oh, the dry patch?
Yeah, I keep trying to get it.
There's a little piece of skin.
Bite it off.
Be a man.
Yeah, bite it off.
Get that baby skin going.
Yeah, I think CNN is ran mostly by Gardinis.
I think so.
Just like, how can we make this guy, this powerful man, look foolish?
We will tint him.
Yeah, he looked like orange and green.
Yeah.
I did see that.
And it was like...
There has to be some like, oh, you know, sometimes when we process film, it's
like,
I'm pretty sure you guys should do it.
I don't know what you guys did.
That's dastardly, dude.
Think of what they could do to Biden if they wanted.
Making him look old.
Oh, my God.
Just not using a filter, just using regular camera.
I mean, he's geese up.
Did you see the video?
Someone sent me a video where it's just compilations of Biden, like, all of a
sudden, like, looking
in a direction.
So, he'll be talking and he'll still get quiet.
And someone will be like, Joe.
And he just like turns over.
And he goes and looks.
Dude, it's so fun.
Huh?
And he walks.
I saw one today of him just walking away during a speech.
I mean, dude, they dogged Trump.
Did they really?
Yeah.
It was.
I think Jill was speaking.
He was standing next to her.
Then he just walked back.
So, you could see him, like, walk away, too.
It was pretty funny.
He's one of those off.
Yeah.
Somebody must have told him something.
Yeah, of course.
They were like, hey, Joe, you got to come here.
You got to ice cream.
We got a treat for you.
Oh, true.
He loves his treats.
He does love treats.
I can relate to that.
And I support his treat.
His love of treats.
Yeah, but, like, dude, imagine.
That's more relatable, dude.
That's just our sweet leader.
That's true.
But imagine how much.
If they, like, they fucking, they bird dog Trump the entire time.
They're on his ass.
If they gave him, like, dude.
An ounce of the criticism they gave.
Yeah, like, things were going.
How critical they were.
Things were going pretty poorly.
And instead, I noticed, I tried to read the news every now and again.
And they had the article was, Joe Biden's taking time to step back and reassess
what's going on.
It's like.
Yeah.
That's not a real story.
The title should be Joe Biden is scrambling.
He's spiraling out of control.
And this is, we got to figure it out.
Now, I don't believe that.
But that's how the article would have been.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm not sure.
The reason I don't believe that is because I don't know.
Yeah, who the fuck knows?
I'm not saying he's not scrambling.
I think they were, like, specifically pressing him on when he was in there.
And he's like, yeah, I'm going to raise student debt.
Yeah.
And they're like, did you take any student debt away?
And they're like, we don't comment on that right now.
It's like, you know, but again, dude, we're not going to let you know our plans.
Yeah, but they're like, right now he's taking because everything's just going
poorly and
everyone's miserable.
So that's the thing.
I really wonder whether it's like, I'm sure they're doing like real stuff
sometimes, but
it's like, it's funny when like things just suck.
And it's like, yeah, everything sucks right now, dude.
You're getting a bad.
He's just a bad couple of years.
Yeah, everything sucks.
And it's like, well, we'll do a story that you stepped back to reassess.
Yeah.
We'll say you're working on it.
Shouldn't they be doing that every single day?
They should probably be assessing things constantly.
Like, well, he's going to take a step back.
The president's taking a step back to re and there's a bunch of what article is
this?
Do you remember?
I forget.
It was something that came out like two weeks ago.
It might've been on the news.
I think maybe.
I don't know.
Because we had the in-laws over the house, bro.
Somebody come help me a couple of days ago.
Really?
Classic.
I'm just a married guy.
The in-laws.
You have the in-laws over?
The in-laws over.
Sometimes the news pops up and the in-laws are over.
So they'll be watching the news.
But I think it might've been even before that, though.
It was like, Joe Biden's going to step back to reassess and kind of.
How did the in-laws feel about the news?
We caught a hot news take.
Oh, so we were driving.
We were dropping off the in-laws at the airport.
And a thing came on the radio.
And it was about voter ID.
And it was funny.
Because I'm in the back.
Britney's up front with me.
I'm driving.
And in-laws are in the back.
And I hear a couple like, mmm.
A couple of those.
And then, of course, Britney's a black conservative.
She launches into like, so what?
People need to present an identification to what?
Vote?
She's like, that's weird.
She's like, you know, I got to present one to get into a restaurant.
But I guess you don't need one to vote.
And like, dude, it was just a lot of tight-lipped.
How'd that go?
It got, she was escalating.
I know what she was doing.
So I just, from the driver's side, went, it's all bullshit.
And just silenced the whole thing.
That's all you can do.
Not just silenced.
Yeah, it's all bullshit.
And just silenced the whole thing.
I just didn't want them to fight.
Yeah.
But that was a pretty astute point.
It's all bullshit?
No, no, no.
I have to show it to get there.
I have to show it to get there.
I have to show my medical records to get into a bar.
Maybe I can show my ID to vote.
I don't know.
That's the one I don't understand.
But they were talking about mail-ins.
Yeah, it's showing your ID.
You can show your ID to vote.
Yeah, I've always kind of been confused by that.
I guess historically it was a pretty racist thing.
Well, I guess before, what was the thing back then?
Fuck if I know.
Back then they didn't do IDs.
Some of them, they would have like literacy tests.
Did they?
For people that weren't like even allowed to go to school.
They'd be like, I guess you can't vote.
Yeah, that's bad.
Yeah, that's bad.
But if, you know, to get people and be like, hey.
If you're giving out free IDs.
That's the solution.
Then that's fine.
But yeah, I mean, you know.
But yeah, I believe you should probably have to show ID to vote.
That's pretty important, you know.
I think that makes sense.
Just to make sure people don't.
Now, I don't want to come off as a goddamn white supremacist.
But I don't mind a little photo ID at the voting booth.
You know, just to check in.
Call me old racist.
Well, that was the thing like, the other thing they covered was like the mail-ins
is a hot topic.
That was a bit, they hit up the mail-ins.
I'll tell you who's going to be saying mail-ins.
If you're against mail-ins, you're racist.
I would imagine the Democrats.
Yeah.
I think they're going to rely pretty heavily on those mail-ins again.
Yeah.
Don't you dare.
Sean, pause this.
Don't you dare perpetuate the great lie, dude.
All right.
Put us back on.
Don't you dare.
Sorry, everybody.
I'm the only patriot.
Sorry.
I'm the only one.
Matt's a fucking corporate shill now.
Don't you dare perpetuate the great lie, dude.
The great lie.
I don't even think it's a great lie.
I think mail-in votes very clearly won the election.
Well, it's also, you could tamper.
20 to 1.
Now, there is the argument.
You could.
Clear argument that obviously the people that were going to do the mail-ins
were the ones
who were scared of the COVID-19.
True.
Who tend to be the Democrats.
Yes.
They're the scaredy cats.
True.
They tend to be scaredy cats.
1,000%.
But as somebody who has, I've personally rigged an election before.
I've done it.
Yes.
I'm not going to say on record the Dems did it because I don't want to be
rounded up.
Yes.
And put it in an Australian camp.
You don't want to go to Australia.
I don't want to go to Australia.
I don't want to be deported.
They're going to be prison colonies again, dude.
They were a prison colony.
They're going to send over.
I know.
Novak Djokovic getting locked up in Van Diemen's land, dude.
Son of a bitch.
That's the tennis player.
Getting transported.
He was, yeah.
That was his sentence.
They better not have violated his gluten allergy.
That will get me in the streets.
When you're on Van Diemen's land, you're going to get some moldy bread.
Did they really put him on Van Diemen's land?
They're going to go, take the bread.
Eat your fucking bread, man.
But yeah, man.
That was a fun ride.
A nice, tense ride.
I'm sure it was.
Nice, tense ride.
I should have brought up gerrymandering and redlining and districts.
Dude, I should have said, how about these voting districts?
I like them.
They're redoing them, I think, now.
Yeah, they're redoing them.
They're remixing them.
Both of them like the remix.
Both parties like the old remix.
Do they really?
Yeah, they want to get the people that are going to vote for them.
Yeah, and the little thing?
Yeah.
It's such a weird...
I have an idea for big tech censorship.
I don't know if it's actually feasible, but when they boot people off of
platforms, they
should have a thing where they do a flash vote and it's like, here is the video,
quick survey
of all of our users.
Do we think we should ban this guy?
And if majority rules, they stay on.
That'll be chaos.
That won't work.
You don't think so?
No.
Flash vote?
A flash vote is going to be what's the funniest outcome.
You're going to be getting people kicked off for the funniest things.
True.
Which rules?
Which rules?
True, true.
Maybe the only way to get out of this certain technological dystopia is to
embrace how funny
everything is.
True.
And just constantly fuck with shit.
True.
Maybe that's the only way out of it.
It's possible.
Flash vote would be sick.
Flash technological vote.
Just democracy.
Yeah.
You just do, hey, this person got kicked off.
What's everyone think?
You have three days.
It's just going to be a guy screaming the N-word on a flight.
No, no, no.
It's a poll.
No, he's good.
Well.
That's funny.
Keep him around.
What, was he gaming?
No, they would get, they would get.
They would get those boys.
People would fucking.
But then you'd get p