Name: Ep 384 - Justin From Canada
Uploaded: 2022-02-23T18:29:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 384 - Justin From Canada' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 384 - Justin From Canada' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-23. Transcript available.

Ep 384 - Justin From Canada

Wow, wow, Wes.
Hey.
Wow, wow.
Wes.
There it is.
I need a slap.
Are we on?
Imagine you're slapping a thick rump, dude.
What the fuck?
How would you slap if it was a thick rump?
Yeah, let me see if it was a fat ass and you were behind it.
Let me see.
Wow, wow.
Oh.
So you're going to line your hand up on it and make sure you don't.
So you don't actually get inside a cheek, actually.
That's a very sensitive area to smack a girl.
Oh, yeah.
Sometimes they go, what the fuck are you doing?
You mean like in their butthole?
When you accidentally connect with the crack a little.
Oh, yeah, dude.
Because I'm fucking.
I don't even know.
I don't hold at all.
When I'm dogging, I go.
I just karate chopped them right on the butthole.
Dude, if you gave a girl a karate chop on the butthole,
not as hard as you could, obviously, because you'd split her in half.
Yes.
But if you did like a quick fucking to the butthole,
they'd probably do something.
I mean, yeah, if you can split them.
They'd probably split.
I could split a brick.
I've no doubt.
A girl's butthole would be nothing.
A girl's butthole would just.
Yeah, dude.
Give me three.
You'd stack three of them on top of each other.
And they'd all just come.
It's probably all girls really want to be cut in half from the butthole.
I hit my girl with a funny one this morning.
Where'd you get her?
You would have liked it.
She came in the room.
She was looking for her laptop.
And it was in the bed.
And I was like, what do you want?
And she goes, my laptop.
I go, when do you want it?
She goes, now.
And I go, what do you want?
She goes, my laptop.
I go, when do you want it?
She goes, now.
It's a fun little trick.
That's a very good trick.
You see somebody looking for something.
Hit them with, what do you want?
When do you want it?
And then they go, now.
Then you start a chant.
You go, what do you want?
It's a fun trap.
That is fun to get them caught up there.
They get peeved.
No, she liked it.
Did she like that?
She had a fun laugh.
And I said, ma'am.
Pleasure doing business with you.
I said, pleasure eating your pussy.
Sorry, I almost chopped you in half.
I might have sex with just the boots and the hat today.
Why wouldn't you?
I look like Foghorn Leghorn.
Donghorn Leghorn.
Yeah, big Donghorn.
Come on, dude.
You know I got a fucking fat Dongy.
I can't.
I can't.
I said, fat Dongy.
I can't wait until my career takes off enough for me to get a full fucking penoplasty.
Oh, yeah.
When I get my dick implant, I can't wait.
Oh, my God.
I'm going.
You're going six, guys?
Yeah.
Getting a big, long shooter.
I'm going to get a barrel.
I'm going to wide.
First, I'm going to widen.
I'm going to widen.
I'm going to get the extender.
I'm going to get the barrel.
I'm going to get a sack extension.
Just a barrel.
Get a Tommy gun for a dick, dude.
It's a big Dongy.
I'm going to get blue.
I'm going to get blue contacts and get my dick widened.
I'm going to get blue contacts, LASIK to get better.
I want to try to get 2010 LASIK.
My vision's fine, but I want to get pilot's vision and then a wider penis.
That's all you got to do.
And then see what's up.
I'll take it from there.
Take it from there.
God damn it.
It's upstairs.
Yeah, I might do 2010 pilot's vision and then just talk my wife into doing like
a group Tinder profile.
Yeah, get cat eyes.
Get cat eyes and then go full fucking swinger with your wife.
If I got a fake nine and cat eyes, dude.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
That'd be crazy.
What else is, what is there?
What is there left?
It's the top of the mountain.
Nine inch fake dick and cat eyes.
Nine lives, too.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
And then you got to get, yeah, extension braids so you can get cornrows.
For sure.
Long cornrows, cat eyes.
Dude.
Yeah, it's over.
It's become riffraff.
It's over.
It's become riffraff.
Yeah, true.
You're essentially riffraff at this point.
Shark teeth.
Yeah, dude.
Oh, man.
So.
What's up?
Did I talk to you about JP?
No.
That was after.
Oh, I went and saw Jordan Peterson.
Awesome.
Got to meet him after.
Went to the green room to meet the esteemed Dr. Peterson.
By the way, that shit ruled.
Yeah.
It was like really good.
At first, I went with Francis Ellis.
Nice.
So, me and him are just sitting there.
Francis, for a Harvard man, didn't really follow along too well.
Really?
Yeah, I think it's more abstract shit.
Francis is a book man.
High in openness.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're high in openness.
Francis was like, do you understand this?
I was like, yeah, shut up.
I'm listening.
No, I didn't understand.
At one point, he's like, that's a Freudian nightmare, isn't it?
And I was like, who the fuck is Freud?
We had a good laugh.
That's fun.
Yeah, but at one point, this is what made me laugh.
And I mean this story with all due respect to Dr. Peterson and Michaela.
This is a complete respect.
Absolutely.
All right.
So.
I mean, dude, exactly.
Yes.
Tip of the hat.
Respectful as hell.
To the Canadians.
Our neighbors up north.
Stay strong.
Stay strong.
Justin from Canada.
So we get done.
One of the things he's talking about is how when you look at something, you're
always valuing
something.
So like your eyes, you value things naturally.
So whatever you're looking at, you're valuing that.
Yeah, that's exactly what happened.
All right.
So whatever you're looking at, that's the most, not the most important thing to
you, but your
eyes, you've decided you've got a value system.
Sure.
Something moves quickly.
Naturally, you look at it because it could be a threat, something like that.
So you're assigning value at all times, basically, was what I gathered.
Anyway, we get done.
I'm talking to Michaela and Jordan.
And while he's talking to me, I was just looking at Michaela's tits.
And it was making me laugh so much that I was like, while talking to him, I was
like, I've
assigned value.
This is better.
And this is nothing but respect.
Of course.
I wasn't like oogling.
I just happened to look over and see them.
You caught, they attracted, you thought it was a threat.
They caught your field of you.
Like, is that a fucking buffalo?
No, they're just.
That was not a threat.
They're just them titties.
It was just them titties.
Them titties.
Them Canadian.
That Canadian shot down.
You caught them in your line of vision.
I saw someone at Ottawa.
You said, is that a Willie Maffin?
No, that's some motherfucking titties.
That's some milkies.
That's Canadian milks.
That's some big natties.
And then I went back to respecting the doctor.
That was big natties.
I saw some naturals.
You assigned value to them.
He's like, I value them.
But in my head, I was like, should I tell them how funny that is?
Like, I was almost going to tell them.
He would have fucking rolled his sleeves up.
He may have.
He may have fought me.
Well, he might have actually been like, well, I see what you did there.
Yeah.
It's clever.
But he would have went.
But that's extremely disrespectful what you've done.
Yeah.
Or he might.
But he might carry a knife.
Yeah.
He could have killed me on the spot.
He might have.
If I was dispatched by JP, that'd be pretty tight.
Sent to the next realm.
Gains all your powers.
He just highlandered you.
He probably has it.
He probably keeps a blade on him.
I would imagine he keeps that thing on.
Something.
Bo staff up his sleeve that he can.
He might have staffed you.
That was a wise move to keep that under your fucking hand.
Yeah.
That's a joke I think he would have been like.
I think that's a joke that even if they heard it now, they wouldn't really like
that much.
But I thought it was a funny goof.
That is a funny goof.
And he might have giggled.
But I don't know.
I feel like.
He's a funny guy.
He had some funny quips.
He's a funny guy.
Yeah.
He's a fucking.
You know he's like a musician, right?
I don't like that.
Did you see the song?
I don't know.
Again, I will look at things on YouTube and I'm half paying attention.
JP has a song out?
I think he just cut a track.
No.
It sounds like a Pink Floyd tune.
It's sick, dude.
I didn't think it was him.
I thought he put out a weird music video.
And dude, he's.
He's putting out music.
My fears could be coming true.
That he is a glory hound.
Oh, I mean he's a total glory hound.
Is it 440 or 432?
What do you mean?
In his frequency, he went to his music.
It's probably 440, I guess.
Although Pink Floyd apparently recorded in 432.
And it does sound very Floyd-esque.
So good doc might have been 432.
Yeah.
I mean, dude.
He's for sure.
I mean, we're all glory hounds at some level.
And he is for sure.
But he doesn't, he uses his glory hound-ness for, I would say.
It was fucking crazy just watching him.
He has a hand.
Oh, he's crazy, dude.
He's in the ether, dude.
He's fully in the ether.
And he's like.
He's just walking around.
But it makes sense when he goes.
And then he pauses.
He's like freestyle raps for like a second.
Yeah.
He's Dr. Strange, dude.
I think he's Steven.
He is Dr. Strange.
He's Dr. Strange is for sure.
But the first time, like I was sitting there, the first like 20 minutes, I was
like, fuck.
Yeah.
I fucked up.
Yeah.
Because the first 20 was tough.
Yeah.
I didn't understand what the fuck he was saying.
It's a weird thing to strap into, too.
I saw him in Upper Darby.
I was there.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Me and Spud went.
Yeah.
Separately.
Me and the sponge went.
The sponge absorbed very little.
He doesn't like JP.
Because the sponge is just a CNN lid.
Well, he did have.
When they brought out that Midas touch shit, Peterson got hit with that.
He got hit with like a mechanized media machine that's beholden to the
Democratic Party.
That's what Francis was saying when we were walking in.
He was like, isn't this guy like an alt-right guy?
No.
And I was like, I don't think.
No, dude.
I was like, I don't think I can think of one thing.
Dude, he recorded all of his lectures, and they were sick.
And it was just like Jungian archetyples.
Nothing in there that was kind of political.
I love Jungian archetyples.
Dude, it was nasty as fuck.
Just watching Pinocchio.
I'm like, this is what this means.
And you're like, oh, dude.
Oh, my God.
This is so fucking sick.
It's awesome.
And then he just at one point just spazzed about that bill.
Once he spazzed the bill, he's all right.
Yeah.
But he was basically.
He said what everyone was thinking.
About Pinocchio.
Yeah.
I mean, he kind of called it, dude.
Remember like three years ago when he was like, this is how totalitarian
systems emerged?
Everyone's like, shut up.
Yeah.
All of a sudden, it's like, I hope the government doesn't freeze my assets.
Dude, I've been watching the fucking Canadian, I think parliament.
I guess they have a parliament or something.
Yeah.
And they've been yapping.
Dude, they're fucking.
They're like the British.
They have a British parliament.
Dude, have you been watching those things?
Yeah.
There's clips of them talking shit.
Oh, my God.
The conservatives are so funny.
Yeah.
They're like, when they did that, they had a whole Jewish off because Trudeau
came and
was like, I'm not saying.
Basically, they're like, dude, you didn't even go talk to the truckers.
Trudeau was basically like, they're Nazis.
Yeah.
And more or less, he was like, they're associated, they're supporting Nazis,
blah, blah, blah.
I don't know that anything.
And then like a lady with a, you would think she'd be a lib.
She had a wild hairdo.
And I was like, oh, I guess it was their colors are reversed.
I saw her.
Was she the one demanding an apology?
Huh?
Yeah, she did.
Yeah, it was great.
She was Jewish.
She's like, as a Jewish woman, I find very blah, blah, blah.
And the guy, dude, people started busting out like, my great grandfather was,
and the
liberals were like, well, my grandfather was Jewish.
And the one guy fired back with like, I'm half Jewish.
And like, I didn't, they didn't, they actually escaped before the Holocaust,
but it was, you
know, I still didn't like it.
It was a lot, you know, and we were pissed.
We demanded, and Trudeau better apologize.
Dude, it was a Jewish, they had a total Jewish off, which side was