Name: Ep 387 - Promise Me (feat. Ryan Long)
Uploaded: 2022-03-16T14:54:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 387 - Promise Me (feat. Ryan Long)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 387 - Promise Me (feat. Ryan Long)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-16. Transcript available.

Ep 387 - Promise Me (feat. Ryan Long)

the wild wild west ready go the fuck sean
ryan long dude what's up in the building dude we got a you know what actually i
just got uh
i was on the the dip pods that you told me to get on and then i had to put
those because they
were taking over my life these these two cigarettes per potty tells me yeah
they are they're too much
i'm addicted to them lucy's and it's a way to throw it out there i'm also
getting addicted to
i'm laughing at that kratom guy it's like substance i'm sitting here addicted
to these
substances i'm shilling out the fucking people now i'm addicted are you
addicted to lucy's yeah
they're good they'll come out with a new product to help everyone get off lucy's
oh yeah yeah are you
addicted are you addicted to the we gave you no they got you constantly on the
run right now
the what from one thing to another yeah from cigarettes to vapes to true you
got back on
cigarettes then you go back on the pods with just two cigarettes good for philip
morris though just
sticking with it everyone's like that that's evil dude and eventually they're
like no no lucy rules
we're not disparaging our sponsor what's lucy it's our sponsor because i
thought you were talking about
a lucy cigarette like what 69 was ratting on people no that's illegal dude you
never sponsor a legal sale
cigarettes there's one guy that sells lucy's in my neighborhood but he
literally fingers them all up
with his hands oh yeah and i asked him twice i go hey if you're gonna give me
cigarettes can you
touch it with not the filter keeps handing oh you're mad at the guy selling lucy's
you're complaining about
service careful be careful that has a risky business lucy sale of lucy's yeah
selling lucy's in new
york will get you strangled to death by the cops yeah dude god fucked up he got
the death penalty for
that he did these guys don't care they have the they have a lighter attached to
the thing ready to go
you light it in the store oh they light it for you that's actually kind of nice
you live in brookman
it's great no this is uh east village oh nice he's got the lighter yeah yeah
most like you'll be just
normal people coming in to buy the paper and some guys you know lighting a
cigarette on on the string
it's kind of gentlemanly though it is if i were if i own a convenience store i
would just like sell
that guy cigarettes like yo sell lucy's outside and light everyone when they
come out give them a
little light it's very that's a nice touch it is a nice touch the funny part is
most people that buy
the lucy's they buy two or three and they keep it in the same pack so they
always have one pack of
cigarettes they refill it three at a time kind of nice nice little racket they
got going on what the
fuck was that yeah i uh i'm glad i never got addicted to nicotine very happy it's
nice i'm tony i might
start i might get into it it is funny that people go back to cigarettes i think
it's more of a getting
into in your 30s thing now yeah yeah i think so too that's when i started doing
coke 30s once i hit
my 30s i was like it's time for me to invest doing cocaine see how that does
yeah that's a that's not i
guess that's not a bad one with the weight at least you're at least you're more
mature wait until my
heart's mature yeah get your heart get very overweight and then it's like all
right now it's time frontal
cortex is formed of your heart yes now it's time it's a bad one to get caught
up on cocaine yeah yeah
it's a rough one it's a bad one especially when it completely takes a hold of a
like takes a hold
of a person it fucking stinks takes all the girls hard too oh man girls get
rocked by okay dude it's
everything they need it's perfect they're really like i don't eat anything they
don't eat i've seen
girls like go gray in complexion from coke they get beezed up our buddy six you
and brian six anytime he
gets on drugs his face just goes gray he loses all blood it's crazy he's sort
of a red guy to begin
with he is red and then he'll just come into a room you'll be like oh dude what
happened he's like what
yeah dude that's a girl it girls first of all love coke adderall's girls now
that's that's they're
like they all went back to like 1950s when we used to give housewives like
remember that we used to give
your housewives like i don't always design it's perfect for ladies they just
clean and don't eat
they can get a mean though they just get a perfect and then they get a little
nasty cranky dude they run
out of their adderall and then they they stop cleaning and they start munching
and they sit there
dude start munching they start munching and they start yapping at you i can
tell too i remember dating
a girl that she was and they'd always be like i'm not i go listen i don't care
we're not even that
like in a relationship yeah and she goes i never did blah blah and you go is a
visibly different person
two completely different people yeah i like when people try to hide their drugs
yeah it's pretty nice
like my sister was trying to hide that she was on heroin it's so funny that's a
tough one she was
just like yeah you'd be like yo what are you doing the best is hiding it from
people who don't care
yeah you go i'm not your girlfriend yeah you don't want to do coke dude i don't
care dude the best
my friend would do i think at the time i think it was heroin but he would like
have one beer and be
like yeah he's like dude i'm just tired man yeah i'm like nah dude that cruise
light took me down
that's that's when we that's when we realized my sister was doing it because
she it was at a
christmas party and she had like two glasses of wine yeah and then we went to
sheets
and when we were driving my sister my other sister was driving came up to a red
light and my sister
was sitting shotgun and it nodded off just smacked her head on the dash oh we're
like what she's like
i'm just tired from the wine yeah you had one glass dude yeah something else
you're on heroin
pretty fun that'd be nice for the christmas party imagine like a nice sweater
holy
fuck dude christmas lights just sitting there with all your family you're on
heroin yeah i don't know
i give her credit i mean she stopped doing it so yeah that's that's a good run
i was telling sean
my brief my brief run with opiates i i weren't for me but i remember it's like
what did you do
uh i was just selling perks so like i just my one friend was like dude you have
to try these things
one for you one for me yeah i took like a 15 milligram rocket set or something
and then i took a
10 milligram percocet and then i drank syrup and i was like i was pretty fucked
up yeah i'm not gonna
lie i was laying on a futon just like floating in my place pretty nuts straight
up cough syrup or is
there some it's pro meth it's pro meth i was i was slaying that syrup what's
that what does that mean
i'm picturing like brosine's a purple drink but not just it's not regulation
like you have to get it
from a guy so no it wasn't sipping i was sipping syrup yeah it wasn't it wasn't
dxm i wasn't robo
tripping this was syrup this was pancakes and syrup i had a pill i had the
motherfucking pills i had
the motherfucking syrup i was doing any of those jokes i did the oxys i
probably did a lot of and i
didn't like i probably was being a gentleman eating percocets oxy straight up
and i got them from i probably did
a lot of boxes i had a probably a bunch of like broken noses and stuff and i
kept getting prescribed
oxy so at one point i had a ton of cotton was it oxycodone or oxycodone well
which one do they
give you for that like a broken nose not oxycontin okay it's oxycodone okay
they're the same thing
oxycontin is oxycodone but it's like 80 milligrams but i was kind of liking
them but i was tweaking i
remember one time i don't like them now though i think people love them dude i
used to i was that
one point i was i did like three days in a row i would get up in the middle of
the night and then
i'll be kind of still tweaking on them and then i would go to my computer i go
i gotta send this email
to the guy you know they're gonna get me and blah blah and i'm like hey i gotta
gotta shoot this off
before i get to back to bed i go i can't find this guy's contact and then i
would kind of be like
what contact what guy who am i sending maybe they were giving you oxycodone i
don't even have a job
yeah it gets you freaking tweaked that's terrible i've heard i've heard opiates
make people angry
i know i know i'll tell you that dude first-hand experience dude i had a grumpy
sister
yeah she was such a fucking grump isn't that just when she doesn't have it
though no you get if you
take if you're on opiates my one friend said like it were like it in
specifically he would take vikes and
then just be like pissed he'd be at work he'd just be like just be like fuck
dude he'd be a dickhead
he's like sorry man these vikes make me mean stop taking them god that sucks
yeah yeah because
that's what happened once you get like fully addicted you just you're miserable
yeah like
taking it to not be sick and then you're just mad the whole time oh let me get
my coffee so i can get
grumpy yeah you don't talk to me after having my coffee or before or you have
to constantly interact
with pill dealers too uh so shitty it's nothing worse than hanging out with
dudes who sell opiates they
are the biggest pieces of i'm saying this including myself back in the day it's
just the you're a
jerk i was i used to sell suboxone and oxycontin so if when people try to get
off oxycontin i'd be
like well here's some boxes and i would sell them yeah you probably killed a
couple people
people would sell you suboxone to try to get oxys so i'd be like i'll trade
dude they're they're
pretty you're the organs they're at your mercy it's a buyer's that's a hustle
oh dude there's dudes then
dudes would take suboxone just to get up if they if they like we're off and for
a while like i'll
just take a sub and get up it's the craziest dude dudes would smuggle methadone
out in their mouth
and spit it out and sell it yeah it's crazy methadone's fun the opiate thing is
the most
up fun to see methadone watching people crush methadone yeah because you can
take methadone and
zanax from methadone dude dude if you take meth and a xanax methadone and a xanax
it's like being
on heroin they figured that out down at the clinics and all of them really yeah
they're that we're back
boys i think you just switched to heroin at that point i think that yeah you
stop going to well that
way you can i guess you're right yeah you're getting off heroin but you found
the perfect combination
it's free though you get the free you get the free methadone and you just score
a xanax script
and you're the party's on dude the party's back it's back to the party dude you're
with all your
boys at the clinic dude you're like you're like the n-sync marionettes that's
nice i wish we got we
should get into that pills yeah we could probably we could we could get
addicted to pills and then run
the podcast for like one or two more years so good and just drive this thing
straight in the ground be so
good and then you'd have a whole you know press tour about how we're back and
we're getting back
you know found god never you could find god never be that good ever again
nothing would be as good
as well but it wasn't supposed to be good it's inspirational at that point
watching a podcast
deteriorate the drugs would be very fun be awesome man we'll see we'll see i'll
keep my eye on the
numbers they start slipping it's time don't start calling people like europe it's
more believable at
this age when the you know the 20 year old has got the drug problem is a big
eye roll for me
the what 20 year old with the drug problem like in college the guy that had to
go to rehab for coke
you go yeah that's that's yeah that's kind of that's bullshit it's like dude
come on yeah there's a
bunch of there's people that are like i was i was an alcoholic it's like when
yeah when i was 19.
there's a lot of comics that's that oh i've b