Name: Ep 390 - Spider-Man Jump
Uploaded: 2022-04-05T20:17:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 390 - Spider-Man Jump' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 390 - Spider-Man Jump' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-05. Transcript available.

Ep 390 - Spider-Man Jump

the wild wild west hello we're live new york post is they have the juiciest
articles
whenever i scan articles for like four seconds before we do the podcast new york
chose new york
post has the juiciest scoop dude they they're the ones who they had a video of
a dude getting killed
by a shark like two weeks ago did they really yeah it was nuts this their one
story is about a lady
first of all she cancels her dream wedding they mentioned it was her dream
wedding like multiple
times three months out before her wedding she went through uh her fiance's
secret folder on his
computer porn folder and it was all porn and then pictures of like her friends
and sisters and
cousins that's your rules yeah dude he was face matching he was doing nsa i
know bros used i i
know bros used to nsa fap yeah where they'd pull up a facebook and then pull up
a girl who looked like
her and just go back and forth he was nsa and his fiance called him called off
her dream wedding
dude i mean that is the that is the the best moment in porn is when you're
scrolling through and you're
like holy it looks exactly like that girl
immediately yeah yeah it's it's funny about the new york post is uh it it kind
of
leans right i think so oh yeah for sure i don't look into it enough i think it
leads right so like
right-wing people are like it's the oldest newspaper in america like they try
to they try to make it credible
and then you get on the new york post it's like some dude getting hit by a
train in the subway
like see you later asshole that's like the headline it's like nice yeah it's
the juiciest
i have to i this thing's burning a hole in my pocket pretty ladies this isn't a
sponsor yet
but they did send us a nice sample are they courting us they're courting us
with a nice sample
what is it i'll just show you would you like me to do they they wanted us to
have this oh oh la la dude
oh la la yo bro let me get that i'm gonna hang this up in my apartment my
girlfriend's so happy
yo bro jardine garden that's respect that's art bro this is art where they did
they chip that down
from the sistine chapel this thing's a sheet sheet of metal is that the
original you can put this in
your oven and cook on it no i don't think that's true but where did they send
you that thick bay in
the mail i i don't know and honestly it caused some problems at first because i
didn't open this my
girlfriend did it was like who's that she's like i was like who the sent that
and she's like i don't
know who sent this and who is that and i was like i've never seen that if that
company in my life
they rule that's the only option if it's an online company that only sends like
tasteful pictures of thick babes thick babes that rainy would like on twitter
dude i saw a uh i saw a exceedingly i saw an exceedingly thick queen on the way
up here
just it made me i don't know why this made me so happy i'm walking up and a
lady
came out i'd say emerged from a basement level apartment oh that's emerging
just came she breached
she breached she came up for air yeah she came she came out from it and it's
kind of leaned up against
the thing she must have been like 4 11 and just very voluptuous she leaned on
she just leaned she had
like a little yeah she's like a black fence like a little leaning dude like a
wrought iron gate
she came up and just leaned on it dude yeah in all of her splendor and just got
some light and air
and i was like dude there's just part of me that just want like just a funnel
spider it's a funnel
spider dragging you back down into that basement apartment just laying there oh
my god all the sweet
treats you can yeah that's a turnip that's a root dude that's a root vegetable
just in the soil fat
underground fat incubating becoming fatter dude thicker more soft no one can
make a man happier
no one can make a man happier what the mad you get snatched dude you're sitting
up and you're gonna
fly in the web you get snatched and brought down by the fat lady oh my god yeah
it'd be pretty nice
just for like three weeks i'll be honest that'd be very very nice actually no
as soon as you not you
have to i would be very mad i'd be like it smells in here what are you doing
because they're chilling that's the ultimate chill yeah that lady was chilling
oh she was chilling hard
as hell downstairs chilling that's what i saw and i was like man what a relaxed
what a relaxed pace of
life yeah that was nice i was did you listen to earthquake at all on rogan it
was funny because
rogan's like i gotta do something i gotta work out every day or i feel like
shit and earthquakes like
i couldn't be happier doing nothing i love to do nothing i'm happy with myself
really i was watching
like damn dude i want to get there earthquake i need to ascend to that pretty
sick dude i'm just
like chilling and being like nice i did it like i would dude yeah that would be
awesome isn't earthquake
not even that fat no he's not that fat did he used to be huge i thought so you
would imagine with
a name like earthquake i thought he was like bruce bruce level yeah so did i
i agree i think the thing is it's like people got him confused with bruce bruce
a lot and bruce bruce
is huge yeah earthquake earthquake's just kind of like he's like a big dude but
he's just like tall
he's like two like 250 at the most but he's a tall dude he's nice that's
generous that's a generous
way to describe a guy who's tall and 250. yeah that's thoughtful yeah i thought
he was enormous i
thought he was like the fattest of the fat yeah thank you earthquake i thought
he's one of those guys i
was like he's got to be dead right his name's earthquake yeah and i heard about
him in the 90s you
know early yeah yeah 2000s yeah dude that's uh are we boring you dude what are
you what are you doing
lean back dude don't be scared lean back you're not gonna fall you're not gonna
fall i don't
fall i'll do with it um i was looking up earthquakes dimensions mic start off
no it's not he turned
it back on i think dude he's a dude you might have to take him out back no you
haven't been around for
a while first of all you're a history major first of all yo god dog i think yo
god dog's a little
bully dude big time boy you're a bully no you know i missed you no um you came
at him you came at him
on cam dude who came at who he's changed oh yeah no you don't you don't know
the new guard dog oh he's
crazy he's a superstar dude he's the king of new york comedy now you're the
king of new york comedy
you used to be the king of you used to be yeah hey coney dude now you're coney
2012. look at this
that's metal you just tribute this thing and hose it off
i might bring that into my air mattress tonight i think it could don't you have
like a painting of
like a lady with an afro at least yeah but she's not that voluptuous no i mean
this is clearly just
smart i am going to bring no i'm going to bring that brini has a lot of women
in her house and i'm
going to add one more see how she feels i gotta add a white queen dude oh you
put a snow bunny on the
wall i might be a puerto rican queen yeah she's boricua i don't know dude but
either way it's tough to
tell these days with the honkies desperately trying to look like a poc yeah
desperately trying to look
like a pirate of the caribbean um i'll tell you what dude i got we didn't even
talk about the
basketball game yet i know so we'll see because tonight we're going to go do
legion of skanks yes
i i pray it goes well all right so do i i want i want the best some guys are
acting like salty babies
yeah dude and i feel like i'm allowed to say that based on the way jason
treated me on the bonfire
he went on there and said some nasty he made some good points dude i was like
dude i don't trust
yeah it's like look i love shane but he's just not one of those guys i trust at
all anymore it's like
what the are you talking about what the happened that was crazy that was crazy
i hope we can just
bring light to the situation going back there today because that'll i'm afraid
dude you you
especially like i was talking with billion spud this weekend if you get in
there and he starts coming
at us which i think he might it's possible you're a dickhead i can't be you're
gonna hit him with
like dude just keep it up dude keep working like that matt's got brother level
shit talk
so like if dudes are talking like this matt can easily he can spin out a dork
tell him he can open
for you in austin if he wants to oh no i would not no that's that's too far
that's ols that's superstar
status that's true yeah dude of course he goes there he's like yeah you can
open for me i'm talking
about superstar we're talking basketball we're talking sports yeah this is like
regular guy stuff come
back down to earth sean come back down you're doing it to me now he's got a
conversation that i tease
you let me see the bottom of your what do you mean you're doing it no he's
doing what he's gonna do
let me see the bottom of your let me see the bottom of your hands i could have
sworn they're coated in
the gold of hollywood stars yeah did you dip your hands you got a star they
heard about your
they heard about your friday night showcase with o'connor and sid the kid they're
like we got to
give you a star on the walk of fame i heard you're the big superstar now treat
noah like dirt dude
come in here it's like little no no and whoop your ass well here's this is what
i want to enact this
is what i want to enact we need to get a buds level training program for anyone
who wants to be
affiliated now that we're just physically this podcast is a physical phenomenon
of course you
should see me dead lifting today crazy yo i had to do uh i had to carry a
medicine ball today
180. what scoop it put it on your thighs and you got to carry it there's a 180
pound yeah that thing
sucked where do you get that from i don't know it's for weirdos to carry around
but you had to do it like
an atlas don't like you gotta pick it up put it on your thighs and then hug it
you carried and have
to carry it you carry it's so hard you're sisyphus as soon as you pick it shut
up dude
just leave the joke turn the mic off for a little turn the mic off for a little
and then and
cool that thing down god damn it's too hot from the superstar
the big new york the new york showrunner you're a showrunner now
yeah dude jay he's gonna snap tonight jay oh if we're doing this sweet guard
dog
that's another thing it's funny to go in there being like you know what i hope
it goes well it's like
dude we're gonna go in there instantly instantly be the meanest this could be a
friendship ending
podcast that's what i'm worried about no i'm gonna genuinely try to make him
see his
just the shift in world view that needs to occur you can't you can't you can't
do this this is crazy
you can't play you can't you can't play two or two basketball and react that
way no not allowed to play
you'll get banned from the game you have you might have to resign dude from the
academy of two on two
basketball yeah i mean he's got to be done it's crazy don't just don't pride
yourself all we can do is
say this this is what i'm thinking we say hey go ahead and keep the money if
you think the bet was
unfair just keep it and force him to go no no i made the bet you we look i'll
pay it it's fine it's like
okay you agree again this is the third time you've shaken on this bet you
psycho oh my god
no i hope he uh i hope he finds peace in this situation he has to find the
humor in it eventually
no funny it is you know how funny that i know him he's gonna be like yeah it's
funny i guess yeah
he's like no i see it i understand why it's funny it's just like it's just not
cool like it'll be like
that no he has to be like no it's genuinely funny and i'm having a laugh it's a
funny thing
it's funny that ain't gonna happen brother brother we're going into the lions
then dude but the funny
part is you know lewis and dave are gonna agree with us yeah like they're like
this is weird they're
gonna be like this is weird that you're this