Name: Stoner Dadz Ep 5-What Are Dudez? ft Jon Delcollo
Uploaded: 2022-04-15T00:00:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stoner Dadz Ep 5-What Are Dudez? ft Jon Delcollo' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stoner Dadz Ep 5-What Are Dudez? ft Jon Delcollo' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-15. Transcript available.

Stoner Dadz Ep 5-What Are Dudez? ft Jon Delcollo

Fortuna, Fortuna, spin your wheel upon us.
I decided I'm going to start watching Star Trek.
Imagine getting eliminated based off your dick.
Welcome to the Medieval Science of Podcasting.
Also, too, I know what I can give us, too.
The Magic Flute. Mozart's Magic Flute.
Dude, I wish I liked this stuff.
I wish I fucking liked this stuff.
I tried it like that so hard in high school.
Imagine just sitting very quietly in a very ornate wooden room.
You've got very thin wireframe glasses,
and you're just very diligently cleaning something
while that plays in the background,
and just living that way every day for the rest of your life.
Damn, dude.
I wish.
I tried to have classical music playing
when I was training for track.
Really?
When I was in my room doing all my talisthenics and shit.
Yeah.
I tried to have classical music playing.
And you just never got into it?
Never.
No.
You just wanted something cool to tell the local news
when they showed up at the state championships.
Like, yeah, he actually prepares with classical music.
It's a weird thing he does.
Yeah.
He's like, this shit sucks.
This is so boring.
Yeah, it just made me hate push-ups.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, it sucked.
Yeah, classical music's like black and white movies.
It's just like, this is boring.
It doesn't matter how good it is.
It's boring, dude.
Yeah.
I mean, they also, they didn't have anything else to listen to.
Right.
So it's like, you know,
it's like, I would try to listen to classical music,
and then I'd be like,
let me see what's up with DMX.
I'm like, this is fucking pretty nice, too.
Yeah, man.
He's dead, right?
DMX?
Darkman X is dead.
Yeah.
Isn't he?
Yeah, he's dead, dude.
I don't follow gossip.
He died.
He, you know.
You don't follow DMX's news?
I don't follow gossip, dude.
Yeah.
You said that's gossip?
It's gossip.
It's DMX's business, whether he's alive or dead, bro.
I can't even absorb a fact about another man.
That is a good respect for his business, dude.
That is.
Don't be, yeah.
Keep his name out your mouth, though.
True, yeah.
Dude, DMX, live or dead, his business.
It has nothing to do with me.
That's true.
That's a fair point, dude.
That's the ultimate respect for one's business.
Not even acknowledging that they died
because you refused to gossip about them.
Yes, but that's none of my business.
Like, you know he died.
That's none of my business.
That's none of my business.
Pause.
Pause.
Put a pause on a movie.
Nice.
Pause.
Yeah, it's definitely sus to know when a guy dies.
Why are you telling me this?
You think I'm gay?
What are you, gay, dude?
Get a job.
Yeah, I want to hold that up to the utmost.
I mean, how far do you think you can take that?
I'm trying to live it every day.
I was talking to someone about it recently.
I'm sure it was on a recording somewhere,
but it was just like,
I don't even know what names that are attached to fellas.
You know what I'm talking about?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like, you tell me anything about a fella,
I'm just like, what's that guy all about?
It's not for me, you know?
Yeah.
What do you think?
I sleep with him?
How would I know?
What the fuck?
You think I wake up next to him?
Yeah.
I've never even heard of guys.
Yeah, like, knowing what a dude's favorite food is,
it's like, I have no idea what you guys like to eat,
and I want to keep it that way.
Yeah, like, dude,
you should find the part of your brain
that holds that information
and jam a soldering iron into it.
The less you know about anyone else,
the better you are.
For sure.
That's the ideal.
There's a total island into yourself.
Yeah, every new fact you learn about another man,
you descend further toward just being a useless gay bird.
So I try not to absorb.
I'll hear it sometimes.
I'm not along,
but I'm not absorbing any of it, man.
It's like classical music for me.
Do you think when you're trans,
you just all of a sudden,
like, when you wake up from the surgery,
you're like, no, everyone's business?
Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah.
It's like when coma people wake up
and they can talk Chinese or whatever.
You wake up,
you're just like, DMX is dead.
Oh, my God.
Once the estrogen hits your system,
dude, you can't help but learn about other people.
That is the ideal.
Yeah.
We don't know anything about anyone.
All that top surgery,
up top surgery, dude.
Learning about other people.
Yeah.
It changes your brain chemistry.
You don't want to know anything about anyone,
and then you just want to have
very surface-level relationships
just to get physical needs met,
and that's it.
Anything other than that is hell.
It's for girls or funny fellers, dude.
That's it.
Funny fellers.
You know what I mean?
Absolutely.
Actually, Wednesday month.
Yeah, dude, keep your name out my mouth.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, dude.
Keep your name out my brain.
Damn.
I'm always shocked when somebody,
when a guy knows another guy's eye color.
That's upsetting.
What the fuck?
I didn't even know you even knew dudes knew that, dude.
Yeah, who you hanging out with, dude?
What the fuck?
I apologize.
I didn't even mean,
why did I bring that to the phone?
I apologize.
I couldn't even describe my friends
to a police sketch artist.
I can tell you,
if my friends ever wore gay shoes one time,
I can tell you that for the rest of my life.
The cop's like,
what's his eye color?
What the fuck are you trying to say, dude?
What do you think?
Oh, pause, dude.
Who do you think I am?
Get out of here.
I don't make eye contact with dudes.
Oh, fuck.
You trying, you know,
you trying,
is this a setup?
Yeah.
That's how I live.
Yeah.
Yeah, I just once, dude,
want to get the thing at the TSA
where like,
if you deny the,
I used to deny the scanner.
I used to be like,
nah.
And they get so mad.
They're like,
dude, it's safe.
And it's like,
why is it banned in Europe then?
And they're just like,
come on, man.
You know,
I got to pat you down.
It's like,
do what you got to do.
I'm going to have them do that next time.
It's going to hit like my leg.
Be like,
oh,
fuck.
I might pre-cum my pants
and let them find it.
I want to do,
I want to put a load in my pants
and then go through the fucking,
the scanner to have them be like,
put a load in my pants.
Because you're not allowed to have.
Is that 3.5 ounces of cum or less?
Yeah,
because you're not allowed to have any liquid
so a load would pop up.
You know how you're trying to find clean piss
before a drug test for work?
It's like,
I'm flying to Taiwan next week.
Does anybody got a load of cum
I can throw into my trousers?
I would just jack.
I would jack in the airport.
You'd use yours.
Okay.
Right.
What the?
Of course, dude.
What the fuck?
I don't know, dude.
I don't know if you want to be a pervert
and jerk off at the airport.
Hold up.
Do other guys even cum?
Do other guys even cum?
I don't know.
Outside of this room?
Outside of this room?
I didn't know.
I'm saying like,
how would you go about doing it?
I'm not saying I know that.
Yeah,
pervert of third party cum.
Man.
Wait,
who even just said that?
The only straight guys are blind.
The straighter you are,
the more towards Helen Keller you get.
I had one uncle who's so straight
he couldn't even hear men.
That is as straight as you can get.
It's fucking...
You have a woman
to just interpret the world for you
and describe it to you
everywhere you go.
And then everything she says,
you're like,
that's fucking bullshit.
Shut the fuck up.
It's wrong.
Yeah.
Man,
I was at the dentist the other day
and I was like cracking up
at the idea
of my dental hygienist
pulling the prank
of just putting her tit in my mouth.
Oh,
Jesus.
Man,
she'd really get your ass
if she did that.
Like,
oh,
oh,
oh,
oh.
I mean,
but if women pulled pranks,
that would be a hilarious
prank to pull.
Tit pranks?
Yeah.
That'd be fucked up.
Dude,
they'd have like four seconds
to explain it wasn't a prank
before they get fingered though.
Seriously.
Seriously.
I'm kidding too.
I'm kidding too.
They would just be like,
oh,
it's on.
Tit pranks are behind
all that hullabaloo
about consent.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
But you got,
I mean,
you got to do it.
You explain that.
Just like the second
that you're like,
even suggest that pussy
is on the table for a dude,
it's like sex crime
or consent
are the only two options.
Yeah.
I would like to believe
that I am the type of gentleman
that could handle a tit prank.
We all like to think that.
If you pop the tit in my mouth,
I'd be like,
all right,
you got me.
I would like to believe
that I'm that guy.
You'd ask her to show
you again
so that you can see
how the trick works.
Like a magician.
I don't know.
I think I suffer
from a bad case of like,
oh,
that's what's up.
Roast grubs.
I think I would instinctively,
I would,
without even looking,
hit the drawstring
on the scrubs
and just poosh.
Man.
Do you think
there's anything
more defeating
than just like
the 500th time
you're taking
your chubby girlfriend's
scrubs top off?
Is anything hotter
than that?
Anything more
just like,
there's nothing hotter
than disrobing
a chubby girl
at all.
Yeah.
I'm also,
I'm a uniform head.
I'm a big uniform head.
Do scrubs work?
Scrubs will get me.
Because they're like,
they're like uniform 1.0.
I was wondering
if like,
does an ornate uniform
do more for you?
Like a PPA uniform?
Yes.
Yeah.
Something with like a badge,
but they're not a cop.
U.S. Postal Service?
Yes.
Yeah.
Once a girl steps off
a Segway at the mall
and shifts a very heavy belt,
I'm like,
damn, babe,
can we get out of here?
I'm telling you,
dude,
I used to have a thing
for PPA ladies
and the male ladies,
I can't,
I just,
I love so many male ladies
right now,
it's hard to even keep trying.
Well,
I think we talked about this
a couple of years ago,
but they hired a bunch
of very hot black male ladies.
Yeah.
Like maybe like 5,
10 years ago.
Bro,
it's ridiculous.
Yeah.
That was a great call.
I think the original point
we made was that
garbage men should do that next.
They should get like
very loud,
hot black ladies
to be tossing your garbage around.
They're just dancing
down the street,
following the truck,
making TikToks.
That'd be sick.
I've seen a few.
Yeah,
but a lot of the hot black male ladies
ain't about all that foolishness.
That's the best part.
They're all business, dude.
That's a feature.
Yeah, they're all the business.
Yo,
that's what I'm saying.
So you'd have to get the wild ones
to handle the trash.
Yeah.
You got a bunch of
National Honor Society black chicks.
Yeah.
That's bad girl.
That's bad girls club, dude.
Yeah.
Because fucking
upwardly motivated black chicks, though.
Yeah,
I'm waiting.
I have,
I've seen one black trash lady
in the city of Philadelphia
and I like which,
I've seen her work.
I like it.
But she's just constantly going,
these nasty motherfuckers.
She's not as graceful
as my beautiful postal workers.
She's not as great.
She's definitely,
she can toss a bag.
Her purpose built.
She's purpose built.
Yeah.
She's built for tough.
So I don't know.
That'd be tough.
She's a sturdy woman
is what you're saying.
She's pretty sturdy.
Yeah.
You know,
but
she's pretty femme.
She's pretty femme.
Not like,
Well,
I mean,
black chicks stay femme
mad long.
True.
Like,
like,
she has fake nails
washing through the trash.
Yeah,
yeah,
yeah.
Just Wolverine's legs.
Lashes,
just like lashes.
Damn,
that would be awesome
to see a black lady
get like very ornate
but very like useful
like claws attached
and just go full
like Wolverine on trash
behind a truck.
Yeah,
the,
I think actually
she was this,
if I had to type
this lady out,
I would classify her
as a kid rock drummer.
Nice.
It has a little bit
of fucking like
a little bit swole
but also is
somewhat feminine,
I'd say.
All right.
Kid rock,
the kid rock drummer.
I feel that.
What a great reference.
You know the kid rock drummer
is Robin from
Howard Stern's niece?
Is that true?
I made that up.
No.
God damn it.
You didn't do that
for a second.
I had to tell you.
You had Tim immediately.
Yeah.
He was captivated
by that knowledge.
You can't deny that rumor.
That's a good rumor.
That was a good rumor.
Yeah.
B