Name: Ep 393 - The Presidents (feat. Louis C.K.)
Uploaded: 2022-04-27T11:00:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 393 - The Presidents (feat. Louis C.K.)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 393 - The Presidents (feat. Louis C.K.)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-27. Transcript available.

Ep 393 - The Presidents (feat. Louis C.K.)

Guys, this is a history podcast.
Serious.
Let's talk presidents.
In fact, let's talk all of them in order.
Yep.
That was it?
Hold on.
No, no, no.
Just wait.
Let's talk Washington, Adams, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, Adams, Jackson, Van Buren,
Harrison,
Paul, Tyler, Polk, Taylor, Fillmore, Pierce, Buchanan, Lincoln, Johnson, Grant,
Hayes,
Garfield, Arthur, Cleveland, Harrison, Cleveland, McKinley, Roosevelt,
Taft, Wilson, Harding, Coolidge, Hoover, Roosevelt.
No.
No, hold on.
Give me a second.
Hoover.
Yeah, it's Roosevelt.
Truman.
Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah.
Second.
Truman.
Eisenhower.
JFK.
Johnson.
Nixon.
Ford.
Carter.
Reagan.
Bush.
Clinton.
Bush.
Obama.
Trump.
Did you say Obama now?
Obama.
Wow.
Obama now.
It took me all night.
Damn, dude.
You studied for that all night?
No, it took a half hour, but it was pretty intense.
That's pretty good.
Yeah.
That's insane.
I had to keep practicing.
I was doing it before bed.
Like I was praying.
Do the vice presidents.
Adams.
Are you seriously going to try?
I could go.
I think I could go.
That's a good piece of trivia, and don't look it up.
Nope.
Okay.
Here's a quiz question.
Who is Johnson, Lyndon Mayne Johnson's vice president after Kennedy was shot,
when he
became the vice president?
Your mother's cunt.
Oh, man.
It wasn't her.
It wasn't her.
It wasn't your mother.
It was her cunt.
Her cunt was her.
Wait a second.
This is a history podcast.
Yeah.
What if that was true?
You're telling me.
Jones cunt.
Yeah.
Because he only needed her for one year.
She's going to be so excited to watch this.
Then when he ran, he got somebody else, but he was like, he called up,
Joan, I need your cunt to be my vice.
He called her from Dallas.
You know that famous picture of him on the plane?
That was.
He called her right before that.
I need your vagina to be my president, my vice president.
All right.
So let's start from the top.
Mom.
I'm so sorry that he said that.
I'm not.
I never met your mom.
You held back.
You held back.
She's very sweet.
You're very sweet.
Mom.
All right.
Let's start with Washington, dude.
Yeah.
What do you guys know about him?
What do you say?
I mean, Washington is like a transitionary guy because he was so British.
He was a British general.
He wasn't like, you know, he wasn't born in the, he didn't create America.
It wasn't even his idea.
Yeah.
He was a, he was just a tool of, he was the first general president.
No, he was born in the U.S.
No, I know.
But he wasn't like, he was a Brit.
He was a Brit.
Yeah, he fought in the French and Indian War as a British.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's a lord.
He actually kind of sucked in that.
In that war?
In fact, also kind of.
Everybody sucked in the wars, though.
Everything he did was retreating.
It was luck to be, to win anything then.
Yeah.
He was good at retreating.
That was like his number one thing.
It's the important thing to be good at.
Which is very good in war.
Otherwise, you lose once.
He got, he would fight again because he retreated so well.
Yeah.
It's pretty tight, though.
Show up and be like, nah.
Yeah.
Run away and be like, nice.
1789.
That's when he started.
Well, most of the guys, it was so hard.
Like, a lot of the army didn't want to be there and didn't have to be there.
It's crazy.
Like, 1776, the year that Washington did all that insane shit.
It's crazy that people kept, they kept expecting the army to flee.
Yeah.
But they hung in there with little, it's not like they were like, we're making
America that's coming later.
Yeah.
They had no fucking idea.
So he's, he's as good as they were, basically.
And it's not, you know, like you picture him on this horse, like talking, but
no, most of them didn't even look at the guy.
They didn't see him.
You know, like in the movies when they show a guy making a speech to a whole
army.
And there's three guys can hear him.
It's impossible.
And the rest are like, what is, what's even happening?
And they're all shitting on the ground.
Yeah.
It's like Braveheart when he's giving a speech.
The only people that can hear him are like, shut up.
Yes.
The English are too many.
The English are too many.
Yes.
We will.
And we will live.
We will live.
That's a good point.
I never thought about that.
Yeah.
No one heard those.
No one heard any of those speeches.
So it was really, these guys all got, I don't know, they got together.
They decided to just keep doing it.
I don't want to spend too much time on Washington.
Yeah.
Washington, I never really, I mean, the great thing he did was leave him when
it was time
to go.
Yeah.
It was like the thing.
Cause he, a lot of them wanted him to be King.
Yeah.
And a lot of them wanted him to be permanent.
He's the one who said the thing where they wanted him to be Adams.
Yeah.
Wanted him to be your majesty or your excellency.
They went by his excellency.
And he said, Mr. President.
No, no.
What?
Jefferson was the first Mr. President.
Yeah.
But Washington wanted Mr. President.
Washington went with his excellency.
Cause Adams had this long one.
His majesty, all this shit.
What?
Washington kept his excellency.
According to the HBO series about John Adams.
Yeah.
But I looked into it.
Washington said, I want Mr. President.
Maybe he did, but he went by his excellency.
Therefore, the reason he did it was because he didn't want to shake people's
hands.
And back then that kind of, he was like Howie Mandel.
Yeah.
He was like, he'd rather just have people bow.
I don't think he was a germaphobe as much as he just was like, this does
command some respect.
Cause this is the first time in his life he started to get criticism.
Really?
Cause when he was a general, everybody globally outside of England was like,
this guy's the fuck.
By the way, president, like to talk about that word for a second, what a
president is like, just for, just an overall president thought here.
The, what I love about presidents is there, is that it's a human being, it's a
person.
Yeah.
And to me, like, it's like, uh, you know, like some college professors teach
the Bible as literature.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Like they don't teach the Bible as a religious subject.
They teach it as like what, what, what it's done for history and what the
stories are about.
And you know, that kind of thing.
I look at us presidents that way.
I don't have a political view about any of them.
I just think they're fucking fascinating.
And president, the word by itself, like your president is nothing.
It's not, you're not a leader.
You're not a, uh, ruler.
You don't rule.
You preside.
I mean, that's literally what it means is that there's a whole group of people,
uh, that are running the government by the people's will.
And you preside.
You just happen to be there.
It's like in the Senate, whenever they show people in the Senate speaking, they
always say, Mr. President, over and over again.
And they're speaking to whoever is presiding.
It's never the vice president is literally the president of the Senate, but it's
whoever takes the chair that day who's presiding.
It's a, it's an incidental title given to an equal who is chosen for them for
that minute to preside.
That's what I like about it.
That's why I like, that's what I like about how they framed it.
When did they set term limits?
I didn't even look into that because he just left.
Right.
He was the first one to go.
I could stay, but I'm, uh, let's get this going.
Let's get this started.
There's some famous moment where he was speaking to the Congress and they were
trying to get him to King himself.
And he was apparently really vain about that.
He wore glasses.
So no one ever saw him with glasses on.
And so the moment that's supposed to be this shocking moment was that he took
out his glasses and put them on.
And he said, like, I fear I didn't see you for what you are.
That was supposed to be this big moment.
I like to think that if he did, like, he was really hoping if he missed, he's
like, I fear I didn't see.
And they're all like, yeah, you wear glasses.
We all, you know what I'm saying though?
Yeah.
Like, he keyed the whole thing on this moment.
See what I'm saying?
And they're like, George.
Yeah.
It's also a good moment for him to be like, yeah, you're right.
You should not.
How do you turn down King's status though?
He's trying to do funny jokes.
What?
How do you turn down, like, you should be King.
And you're like, ah, no.
That's what makes him the man, dude.
That's wild, dude.
That's what makes him.
Well, also, he wasn't, again, none of these people knew the future.
He didn't know that he was giving away the keys to later nuclear war America.
True, yeah.
He thought we were a dumb fucking, like, what?
Yeah, and these were all separate colonies.
Like, if Louisiana became a separate nation, the first president of Louisiana
might be like,
you guys, I'll do one turn.
Yeah, I'm done.
That's good.
I don't need to, like, hang in there.
All right.
Adams.
Okay, Adams is, like, my favorite of those guys.
Of the founding fathers.
I like Adams from the show.
I loved him in that.
He's a great Paul Giamatti.
Well, I read his biography.
I listened to it.
I don't read anything.
As a president, counts.
Oh, he was not a great president.
Not at all.
It shows everybody's got these different kind of strengths.
He was a great framer.
He was one of the guys.
He did many very important and gutsy things, and he was also the only one of
those guys who was not.
He was a poor farmer.
His education changed his life.
He's, like, one of the first Americans who had that experience, you know, where
he was, you know, had a decent farm, but not much, but he made his brain work,
and he excelled and passed that on to his son, who we'll talk about.
He fucking ruled in the revolution.
Yeah.
Adams was the man.
Adams was the man, and because these other guys fucking Benjamin Franklin was
just a giant, perverted asshole.
I love them.
Oh, he was great.
All these guys are great.
I'm not judging any of them, but he wasn't.
He was of limited use because he was intrigued by America, but he didn't give a
shit.
Yeah.
He never would have shed a fucking any blood or sweat or tears for the country.
He just was interested, and he had a huge brain.
So he'd lend it when he felt like he was also full of shit, you know, like he
was supposed to, he was supposedly invented electricity.
But some other guy, he saw a guy in his own autobiography.
What?
Hold on a second.
He never faked anything.
I just watched Ken Burns on him.
I'm pumped on him right now.
Okay, so he saw a guy do the kite.
What?
And he was like, that's cool.
And he paid the guy for like the license to the gag.
And then he got one of his sons to go around doing it for money.
It was just a thing that he picked up other people's ideas, which is its own
thing.
Well, he also, all of his inventions, he would never patent, which is pretty
sick.
He was like, all my inventions are for everybody.
Yeah, he was for, what do you call it?
Open source.
Open source, yeah.
He did get a little jealous because all of a sudden, because he was the man.
Yeah.
He was the American that everybody loved.
Be frank.
And then Washington became the man.
The general.
Like the French were like, the general Washington's the guy.
So he got a little, he was a fame hungry.
Did you ever read his autobiography?
No.
It's amazing because he has no judgment of himself.
So he's the only, like a lot of people that write autobiographies, it's kind of
careful.
But like, he tells this story about he was living in London and there was a guy
who worked for him, kind of like a half tradesman kind of guy who he befriended.
And the guy had a woman, he wanted to marry a maiden, but he didn't have a
position and he didn't have his own home yet.
So, and his mother didn't want, I don't remember all the logistics, but it was
that, that he asked Benjamin if he could move his wife into his house so that
they could marry.
And he said, sure.
And he said, and she moved into my home and then I, um, I, I took it of my
pleasure to, you know, to, to partake of her sexually.
And she, um, yo