Name: Ep 395 - Partied Out (feat. Burke)
Uploaded: 2022-05-23T21:39:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 395 - Partied Out (feat. Burke)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 395 - Partied Out (feat. Burke)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-23. Transcript available.

Ep 395 - Partied Out (feat. Burke)

wow wow west start we're hot we're hot you gotta start wow wow we're very hot
right now you gotta
start dude guys hopefully people can't see my penis i know short shorts i'm
wearing some pretty
short shorts myself dude i just i told you last night i shut target down hard
as hell dude i might
be strictly a good fellow bro the good fellas you wear good fellow yeah no good
fellows yeah i know
those man oh yeah i strictly wear good fellow dude these shorts 15 bucks i got
every single color
well you look good just sweat shorts dude they're sweatpants but sure the thing
is one of these you
actually kind of look stylish because like 90s is in style right now is it
really yeah you
are unironically in style this is gym shorts these this is gym uniform i saw
these shorts and i'm like
this is catholic school gym catholic school gym uniform i bought a ton of pairs
of them and i have
a pair of white shorts in these that i particularly enjoy nice i like them a
lot you must really be
showing a nose that's a nice presentation what's that white package shorts oh
you're talking about
my bulge your penis yes your penis and yes you should see it's crazy dude the
white when the light
bounces off it it's like i'd like to someone stopped me the other day i was
like dude the
fuck's up with your what they said what they're like dude what the hell's going
on with your dick
like you know dude chill yeah no i'm standing this didn't happen to me i don't
know
we're we are on the same page today no we're going we're fire we're
no that didn't happen shane i'm lying we got we got two links last night but
that was the problem we got
you and me we're vibing so hard we vibe felt good dude it did it's been a while
since we vibed dude
it was and i forgot how fun that was to go out and dude it was like you know
how like like dude i
today i had a brutal hangover moving all of my shit in 96 degree heat whatever
it was today
fuck just hung over feeling shitty but i had so much fun last night the whole
time i was like yeah
that was sick though that was the best goddamn bean bags that was
i fluffed your beans you can't i think you on you can't have control you can't
have full control
sure this is what the happens this is we're in a old insane asylum
in the outside of philadelphia in bean bags yeah man this wasn't you've done a
historic building
you're out of your gourd yeah well this is close this is close yeah you've you've
slept here a
couple times no i haven't slept here i was gonna say it'd be spooky as far dude
you know what it would
be very i don't know if i can handle it know what i know what i'm proud of
myself i have not fapped
in here i've never fapped in this place it's a nice thing it is nice now you
gotta keep that streak
going i'm definitely keeping it going dude you have that before you close the
lights off like cheers
true i mean i could have caught like i'm telling you dude i get like like i
will go so long without
releasing that i'll just it'll like hurt right here i'll get like a pain i don't
come until like it
hurts and i'm like all right i should just start a release get this out of me
oh you know what was
sick when i went to i uh i hadn't done the road in a couple weeks and i had so
i i live with my
girlfriend so i haven't been yeah using pornography sure i rarely use
pornography and then i hit the
a hotel whack off it's so fun dude when you lay off the porn for just a couple
weeks yeah
and then you hit one by yourself you don't need to you don't need to worry
about performance
with your girlfriend you don't need to worry about your sexual performance you
get to just lay back
and yeah whack off yeah he's whack off you get to lay back and visit the master
dude let's get to lay
back and visit the master dude who knows what you really like you are you're
your own master at that
point you absolutely are your own master the lotion the towels that's you like
that's another thing i'm
usually not a big lotion guy but in the hotel i'll get sloppy do you really you
get the balls too you get the
thighs everything's covered lubed up yeah oh yeah get the arms yeah you got
cucumbers on your eyes
a towel on your head yeah it's been big it's been pretty cool eight or nine
tabs of videos of
independent films going at all types of independent films you just you don't
even know which one you
want to release to that's not dude there's if if i'm like i've been off the
porn pretty hard and it's
like every now and again you fire it up you say you know what man i'm gonna
fire it was dude
it's like the body feeling i get when i know if i haven't watched porn in
forever and i know i'm
about to fire it up i get like i don't like drool but i get like real like like
an amped up body
like i'm like this really yeah dude no it's like a relapsing thing it feels
like yeah it feels like
relapsing yeah not to something drinking or something yeah if you ever got the
bean correct
dude i don't gotta leave my back you gotta recline the bean you recline my bean
which is it's
my nice i can't i let the bean i sl i let the bean bean dude these are the
biggest
beans too these these are big joe's that's when i know you've got a problem
what when you've outgrown
beans i think it's nothing you're just a man well these aren't straight beans i
mean they have chair
form it's not straight circular ball beans true dude i've been sleeping i i
spend a lot of i'm not
bragging i spend a lot of time on beans i have these like really nice like full
length you've seen
my that's not a brag that's fine yes there's full body ones you can like lay
down laying them just fall
down on them i have one of those next to my maya's bed so like when she wakes
up in the middle of the
night i me and her lay on this big beanbag dude and i i've clocked like double
digits that's really
great last week oh man no that's just very sweet that is sweet yeah you're dead
before i was laying on
my daddy oh yeah your daughter will have memories her whole life of listening
to your show remember
your belly one night and seeing you ass naked in a rocking chair that's there's
a point there's a
point terrifying you have to dude you have to stop being naked around them it's
so hard to stop
i don't know well you're naked a lot i'm rarely i'm not yeah it's not if you're
not naked a lot it's
not hard to stop it would be pretty easy i'm naked yeah i'm naked you're naked
you get home the clothes
come on yeah i sleep yeah pretty much dude as soon as soon as i got my airbnb
it was just my uh the lady
let me in and gave me a tour of the airbnb at like 9 00 p.m really it was very
odd it was nothing
sexual i'm not saying that sounds a little bit like an independent film no it
does sound like the
beginning independent film like that real estate one you ever watch yeah
property i think i've seen i've
seen a couple of those are my favorites some hot real estate ladies or whatever
yeah the guy's like
hey i got a film for my boss i gotta check out the house i'll give you five g's
if you know we'll
settle this deal right now yeah she really wants to sell it i'm pretty sure
that's like real life i think
that's what we always do definitely i think yeah i think i heard you bring this
up i'm sure we had
this exact yeah yeah that that's what they actually oh excuse me at a certain
point if the house is on
the market too long they'll just you this is the patreon no the uh oh yeah so
we get inside
she takes her shoes off and she's wearing a mask and she was like she's great
she's very sweet uh but
she's like took her shoes off she's like take your mask i was like do you want
me to take my shoes off
too she's like yeah if you could do that every time man oh wow she wants us to
not wear shoes in
the airbnb really guess what lady yeah they're stomping i'm wearing shoes yeah
you gotta keep your
sneakers on um and then when i got in there there was a kamala harris book on
the counter
really yeah who the would buy that you've got to be a real dude there's no
chance she read that no
nobody read that book no it's like well my time has district it's like who
gives a oh dude it's it's
crazy she's yeah check how many books jill biden sold this is a pretty fun fact
really she wrote a
book and like 200 copies got sold really jb joe bun jill his wife did you hear
me in the first week
she sold 250 books dude did you hear about how what yeah i think i might have
sold more books in her
over the overlook is significantly more popular i think so i think i sold
significantly more
popular they wouldn't even fluff it up like call amazon and say listen we don't
just fluff up make
sure this doesn't get out yeah dude yeah really well a lot of times what they
end up doing is they'll
buy a bunch of their books so how did they not buy their own copies yeah you
buy your own car yeah
exactly put it the best also it is astonishing that 250 people are that dumb
that they went out and
bought a jill biden book see i mean i can't imagine i can't imagine how
fucking bored you are did you hear kamala harris said that big thing where she
took a picture for
vogue magazine and she wore like like like cool like casual clothes and like
people like the first
lady shouldn't wear that and she just switched her whole outfit and was like i'll
wear like a hillary
clinton suit it was a scandal it was one of her first scandal wait which one
kamala harris okay so
they were like the vice president shouldn't be wearing like chucks yeah she
tried to be like cool and
cash and people were like the first lady shouldn't be dressed like that oh so
so she like apologized
and put on like a fucking jetson suit it was like is this better and people
like much there's people
out there who saw that were like i remember they were mad at obama for wearing
a suit he was it's
also funny because the democrats are always like remember but remember like
because it was during trump
when every day was like a wild controversy yeah like remember the biggest up
under obama was him
wearing a tan suit it's like i don't know i remember some other ones obama obama
did some other things oh
yeah remember when they lost all those guns yeah in mexico true remember when
they were trying to give
chapito ak-47s and they ended up yeah losing them yeah didn't the zetas get
their hands on them they
all did they just killed a bunch of people with them and qaddafi got hit qaddafi
got reamed
poor qaddafi dude they did him dirty man they really did him dirty they really
did they let him
speak in front of the whole u.n like nah dude tell us about your little green
story he had a little
green book i tried to read it it was unreadable yeah it sucked he was a little
whacked yeah i was
like this is this guy might be on to something like a pan-african guy did he
want africa to
to unite i think so probably under his rule which is a sick way to be like nice
i think a little bit but
i think also his role was basically in keeping migrants he was the stop gap for
like european countries
italy and greece were like paying him off to basically stop let him basically
keep did like
put in detention like the central africans trying to come in to uh and then he
died and you know
they don't have a guy doing that no more so he was trying to keep he was trying
to keep he was the
last he was basically mexico yeah it was as if we paid mexico to stop
immigrants yeah but um wasn't he
was it in the what was the can't get you out of my head guy adam curtis wasn't
he in the adam
curtis doc or one of them probably about how like the u.s was kind of just
using him i mean obviously
the whole time and he like they made him take credit for like a terrorist
attack yeah or they
blamed him they just blamed him and he was like okay sick i'll be like yeah i'm
the bad guy yeah i am
powerful yeah and then he didn't do it and the u.s knew that and then they were
like i don't know dude
imagine you're chilling dude he was a paid scam for a lot of stuff yeah dude
you're chilling you're in
full right in and they take the people like your peopl