Name: Ep 396 - ProtoSpace (feat. SWIM)
Uploaded: 2022-05-27T19:52:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 396 - ProtoSpace (feat. SWIM)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 396 - ProtoSpace (feat. SWIM)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-27. Transcript available.

Ep 396 - ProtoSpace (feat. SWIM)

wow wow wes i know we're on the podcast stop telling us about your doper
schedule one drug use
we are live from an airbnb yes matt he's on coffee i'm chill as hell dude i've
never seen
you this i've never seen this he's aggressive he's talking about dude i'm
chilling you are like
you can't handle you almost punched a hole in the wall he pulled up i was like
where the boys
at he's like i don't know where there's two decades i was like why is he mad
adam it's like
1204 four minutes late he's like oh where the they're around somewhere he's
like check out this
shit like came in came with a tripod what were you just mad at a second ago i
knew where my phone was
what's my phone oh it's right here all right he denounced best buy oh yeah
they told me some dude oh these idiots it's like yeah dude they work at best
buy
dude they should know a usbc versus the standard usb it's done dude those dudes
are done time
you used to go to radio shack and they were on it it is all yeah it's gone i
miss radio shack
theater kids yeah that's the way you can say gay kids
so you're saying respectfully respectfully respectfully we've had some theater
kids
so let me clarify this are you saying it's predominantly homosexuals that work
for best buy
and that's why they make mistakes yeah yeah because they used to have yours
dude you're talking
completely
i'm not hateful i'm not hateful whatsoever i've just noticed as a social
scientist which i have my
master's in social which i am a social scientist i can't help but notice we are
a family retail we are
the dumbest group we're a family of citizens retail is dominated by gay dudes i
don't know if it's
always been this way but like you're just kissing 40 so you think all young
dudes are gay now
possibly i do it's like oh that guy at chipotle was gay it's like he's just
yeah my white walls are
activated dude true i was like you're just older like by the time you have a
kid in high school you'll
be like all those friends are gay but they're not like they're crushing more
ass than we'd ever know
i think the kids i think the kids are gay now i don't think they are dude i
just went to a grad
party and like they were well as yeah but dude nothing but cuts like noah that's
our cause nothing
but babes yeah he's nothing but what babes yeah how old are these babes 18th
the end of their high
school career i'm also a citizen lawyer also what i'm not saying i was
attracted to them i said they all
had a babe with them no he said nothing but babes it was their moms true a lot
of them you know it's
funny i get it i thought it odd a lot of them were dating college freshmen that
was weird so they came
back after the first year of college they were all probably 1920. so they're
babes the training wheels
on you tell one day they're gonna make beautiful 40 year old women you're like
damn she's gonna make a
beautiful 40 year old woman one day that's what i was mostly exactly sometimes
you see a hot 18 year old
chick no or like an 18 you're like she's gonna make a beautiful 45 year old
lady she's gonna be
she's gonna be a beautiful bride someday yeah yeah that's probably what i'm
saying they were very
heterosexual men yeah of course dude that's the you just said oh yeah that's
the area okay that's the
area you're high i'll talk to you later i don't know that is my dark secret if
i drink coffee i'm
basically on coke all day long just buzzing around you should switch to coke as
a social experiment
i don't think it would go well i think julian palmer did it julian palmer
switched to cocaine
instead of coffee to see how it worked and he said it was easier to do a small
bump of cocaine every
morning than to drink a cup of coffee every morning as far as like headaches
and jitteriness he said he
was waking up doing a little it's just going about his day how how can he stop
the same way he stopped
he stopped if it was in one bump in the morning i'd be like all right well then
i'm yeah he was just
doing a tiny tiny one the same like he was doing the effect level but the same
a cup of coffee would
do to him so it's just a little i don't give it i have one cup of coffee and i'm
like i should get
another cup of coffee i'm gonna i don't see that i'm gonna be licking the bag i'll
be licking the bag
i drink one cup of coffee and i'm good off it i it's you're a gobbler dude a
bit of a guy you're a
bit of a goblin stims i'm a bit of a goblin what happens in your time all the
fun's over and i just
have like the craziest feeling of doom that's how stims end every time it sucks
that's there's nothing
worse than a night of doing cocaine oh i can't imagine this rule and then the
night ends and then you
got to get in an uber for an hour back to queens and then sit in your bed while
the sun's up just
like and sleep's not an option yeah yeah i don't know i'm not i don't it's
sadness i'm a fan i've
never done i never i never snorted stims i've only i've only done the hot you
know sacred brew
of western capitalism which is coffee yeah i drink like ayahuasca in the
morning i'm just looking like
if you don't drink coffee for a while then get back into it it you up dude well
i'm tony the only
reason i can even drink it at all it's causing my mag supplementation dude
magnesium magnesium
makes things easier then try the coke with the mag dude i'm gonna step up my
science i'm gonna let
the scientists fly right now yeah it's a separate topic you should start a
science podcast dude i want
to get fenn it out dude what we just lost one good youtuber to fentanyl dude
you think who youtube
community needs to leave needs to lose me kevin samuels dude who's kevin samuels
dating guru who's a
black guy that would trash women he was called ladies and he died for fentanyl
he was a social
scientist as well he was probably doing a little bit of coke to keep himself
you know youtubing speaking
of untimely deaths i did just get breaking news from from phil gillis sad news
comma good fellows star
comma ray liotta has died comma age 67 period that's young that is young he was
only 27 years older than
me i've been on a heavy death trip since i turned 40. really i do constant
death math like how many
years you have left like i'll be like i'll keep i started doing this thing the
night i turned 40
where i was like if i think back to like riding a bicycle and then put that
amount of time ahead
of me it's my funeral yeah you think so definitely yourself what like 70 ish
yeah that was yeah so i
learned to ride a bike when i was like seven yeah so that always helps me
though whenever i'm with it
i'm into it yeah that makes me happy it makes me happy because i'm like yeah i
have that much time
i get my sixth grade till like all i'm saying is i constantly do that math now
like i'll see like a
70 year old and be like like i'll do like a real fast like calculation i'll be
like damn like you're me in
first grade reversed yeah yeah i i dude i tripped out so you did with the babes
at the party i was
with my family though i'm a family man you didn't do the age reverse with the
girls no no this is just
all my life like they're doing their thing they're gonna go to the beach every
good time you're happy
you're just happy i'm happy you're young and i'm happy for my my beautiful
energy to go to the beach
yeah they'll go to the beach i mean i hope they swim enjoy the ocean want to
see them try on their
outfits i'm a family man i don't think like this you don't think about their
tiny little outfits
at the beach no i don't think about that kind of stuff they're teeny weeny
pocket bikinis what
they're teeny weeny pocket bikinis i don't think about this walking in the
water that's not for me
they're not much of water bugs those uh the beautiful girls he watched the
beautiful girls
keeps a hard eyes every girl's gonna swim you guys want to hop in it's hot as
hell you guys want to
take a dip he's hitting up their instant messages do you guys swim i don't see
any bikini
pics anywhere yeah like yeah my daughter's two but she'll be a teenager like
you one day what are
you teens into i just want to prepare myself i'm 42 so i'm like the drive's not
there anyway i'm way
more grandfatherly now that's how i am i i kind of now just i'm more like pastoral
i just survey like
all the people at once yeah like i was at your birthday party i i get i was so
tripped up i was
sipping those fucking hemp it that was that was i was just he makes these
drinks and they're just like
i got everyone like they told me totally stoned at my birthday spade with the
fucking like how
fucked up dude and he was like i'm fine everyone was like mildly stoned at my
four everyone was
you turned the party into the party you're like kineos you turned a party party
in the dolly party
melted dude it was just like a bunch of everyone's backyard everyone's like so
i made a keg i made
a keg of like cannabinoid infused seltzer dude it's like imagine two mil
imagine like three milligrams
per can but it was very nice and it's like you don't know it is an alcohol tincture
so it just kind of like
slowly build so you feel it doesn't wallop you at once you're just kind of like
chilling on it you
feel it like a beer but the plus is when you stop drinking them you don't get
that weird like i have
to go home because i'm done drinking beer you know when you're drinking beer
yeah you got to keep
drinking beer yes and if you stop drinking beer it's like okay now i'm done i'm
going home with the
hemp sauce it's not if you're a social scientist oh yeah it's different well
now you've figured it out
yeah you don't have to go you never have to go home and the party never ends
well no what i'm saying is
you can stop drinking them and then you still feel good yeah forever you kind
of start to feel better
when you stop drinking that's true it's reverse yeah i felt great driving back
on those things i don't
you could drive on it it's not irresponsible yeah dude the uh but the whole
point was i was sitting there
and i was overlooking like the generations and i was just being like dude this
is like the life's just
flowing yeah it's like the life tapestry you were observing the towers on the
tapestry i was on the
flip side just like whoa it's pretty cool i'm glad i'm glad i was able to turn
you on my 40th
birthday party i just i was fully turned on dude i was like god damn look at
this young generation
that's really now that i'm 40 i'm like i'm trying to be way more open about
like my goals
is this how you guys were when you like when you were like now that i'm 25 i'm
really i've got
no no i'm telling you like look man trust me when you're 30 you'll see the
whole universe
i've always been the opposite what the are you guys talking about i've never i've
never
i've never paid attention how old i was i'm telling you then i've turned i've
always been
like oh it doesn't matter and then the night i was going to bed when i was 40 i
started like
elbowing my wife and she's trying to fall asleep and i was like explaining my
death math to her
that turns them on by the way stop nah she wasn't into it it kind of does she
didn't like
it they love you she wanted to sleep so it was more so i could have fantasized
about their
husbands dying oh for sure that women want their husband i learned a long time
ago the more a chick
thinks that you're probably going to die the more they're into you oh for sure
they think about it
for sure dude also the lady who wrote how to murder your husband just got
arrested for murdering her
husband what i didn't know that somebody wrote a book called how to murder your
husband and then
she murdered her husband just got she just got taken in on it idiot that's what
you get
what a idiot i'm so confused how did not murder your husband is write a book
you dumb ass wait so
she wrote a book on how to murder her husband then she murdered her husband um
or she murdered her
husband it was like she did oj didn't know j right if i did it yeah yeah good
book he got away with
it yeah let me uh i'm pretty sure i'm sometim