Name: Ep 399 - Urkel's Dong (feat. LeMaire Lee & David James)
Uploaded: 2022-06-22T18:40:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 399 - Urkel's Dong (feat. LeMaire Lee & David James)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 399 - Urkel's Dong (feat. LeMaire Lee & David James)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-22. Transcript available.

Ep 399 - Urkel's Dong (feat. LeMaire Lee & David James)

Wow, wow, Wes.
Guys, let me tell you something about Raycon headphones, dude.
Raycon's everyday earbuds look and feel and sound better than ever.
Than ever, dude.
When optimized, with optimized, excuse me, optimized gel tips for the perfect
in-ear fit, they won't budge.
And it's like, they're like beats, they're cheaper.
For real, they're like plug-in things, they're just cheaper.
But, guys, go check out Raycon's wireless earbuds.
My guess is that you're going to want to leave them a five-star review, too.
Go to buyraycon, R-A-Y-C-O-N.com slash drenched today to get 15% off your Raycon
order.
That's buyraycon.com slash drenched to score 15% off.
Dude, they're owned by RayJay, and that's a shout-out to all my gay niggas.
All right, man, I'm sorry.
LaMare, we're in the middle of selling something, dude.
That was his company.
He said it.
That was a quote from him.
That was a quote from Be God RayJay.
I'm sorry.
Shout-out to LaMare Gages.
The baby could learn a thing or two.
Yeah.
Guys, thank God they're sheath underwear.
Am I right?
Sheath underwear keeps your balls off your leg, not your tiny balls keeping
their balls off
your legs.
I don't know why it's so funny to talk about that.
But, guys, you know what sheath underwear are.
It's a sheath underwear where your dick can hang out.
I'm wearing them right now.
I'm not going to lie, actually.
I do personally enjoy them.
They're invented by a U.S.
Army soldier, a non-psychic Robert Patton, doing his second tour in Iraq.
Verbatim, they're really good.
You put your dick in them.
They're comfortable.
I have, honestly, replaced all my underwear with sheath underwear.
I do like them.
That's real rap.
Go to sheathunderwear.com and use promo code drenched to get 20% off your first
order.
Every order comes with sheath's 100% money back guarantee.
That's sheathunderwear.com, promo code drenched.
Get sheath underwear and let them support.
You ready for this?
Your balls.
Wow, wow, Wes.
We're live, dude.
Thank you, Sean.
We had to cleanse the room of Sean's bad vibes.
Well, I have a positive omen.
I just discovered I was in the bathroom urinating, as you guys might have heard.
Powerful stream right away.
Sometimes you pluck your pubes while you're peeing.
I plucked a pube.
Wait, what do you mean sometimes?
It's true.
Every single time you pluck pubes.
I grabbed myself a nice little pinch of pubes to see what was up.
I had a pube that was gray on the top, but then darker on the bottom, which
means new growth.
My pubes are coming out in color again.
Yeah.
Yeah, that my body just got revitalized.
What happened?
My once gray pube.
I don't know.
My once gray pube is now, you know what I mean?
It was a gray growth that got, the new growth was the chestnut beauty of my,
they should be.
That feels like you're being, you're being refilled with new souls.
I think so.
Yeah.
Something happened where, I don't know how that hair that is going gray just
reversed.
Yeah.
That's crazy, dude.
Someone called it a miracle, so I think it's a positive omen.
I think it's a positive omen for what we're about to experience now.
What are you doing?
LaMare, I couldn't even explain what I'm up to right now.
It's classified.
Highly classified.
What I'm up to personally in my personal time, I couldn't even begin to talk
about it.
Yeah, okay.
Whatever it is, fucking keep doing it.
You're getting pubes back?
Come on, man.
That's crazy.
Matt has solved every hair issue, but it's only with pubes.
Do your pubes, no, your pubes don't go bald.
If you go bald, that'd be sick if your pubes only went bald.
I kind of, I kind of, I just started, man, or they receded.
If your pubes receded, that'd be sick.
You got a receding dick line.
Dude, welcome to the cast, LaMare Lee.
David James.
David James.
David on the cast.
Yeah, thanks for having me, guys.
This time, I'm pretty sure I'm going to stay conscious.
That was the proving ground.
Stoner Dads was the proving ground.
That's the goal.
Yeah.
You did absolutely fantastic on that.
For what I remember.
I mean, you took one for the team, the second one.
You did lose consciousness in the tomb, and that's all right.
I've literally done that.
What you experienced, I've done that a thousand times.
Just a weed-induced psychosis, basically.
It's a test, bro.
It's a test.
I spent like 10% of my time in a weed-induced psychosis.
In life?
I think so.
I think it's getting up to there.
That's a part of your personal time now.
It's a discreet state of consciousness that I do explore, yes.
That's all it is.
It's just a discreet state of consciousness.
Maybe that's when the pube comes back to life.
I think so.
Yeah.
When you get to that higher plane, and you're just getting in touch with
magical powers,
and the pubes like, I'm turning back the color.
It's like, finally, this guy's on to something else.
It's not just, finally, this guy stops sulking.
We can give him some pube color, man.
This is a celebration of life, dude.
That's all this is right now.
Everyone's getting bogged down.
Yeah.
The vibes, dude, have been so bad.
In the world?
Yeah, dude.
Yeah.
I mean, dude, the fucking news is set up, like, it's literally like two ex-girlfriends
controlling
the narrative.
Yeah.
It's just two people, two groups of people who genuinely hate each other.
Yeah.
That's the news of like, do you see Joe Biden fell, dumbass?
And then the other side doesn't cover it.
And people are like, oh, look at this fucking old guy.
Dude, it brings out the absolute worst.
Dude.
Imagine taking Glee and an 80-year-old eating it on a bike.
That's what it's come to.
Of being like, yeah, I'm so happy that guy fell.
I wish he got hurt worse.
So that I'm right about my argument.
I have, you know, I don't know anything about.
He fell like a, he fell at the old person part too, getting off the bike, you
know?
He didn't fall on the bike.
He was like, all right, I drove it well.
Time to dismount.
Were his feet locked in?
No.
He just like fumbled.
His feet like, bleh, bleh.
Why do they do that?
The team of people trying to prove that he's like a sentient being every week
are like,
God fucking damn it.
Yeah, dude.
This was a non-cognitive task.
You didn't have to talk.
The people trying to weaken at burning him through the thing just for the sake
of 2024
is so funny.
His marionettes fucked up.
But how many 80-year-olds are not going to fall off a bike?
That's what I'm saying.
He was all discombobulated.
He came to a pretty fast stop.
Dude, I think my grandfather drove well into senile, like senility.
I think he was still pushing the Buick.
They are like sponsored race drivers, like senile old people just exclusively
drive Buicks.
Dude, you know how they have F1?
They should have like F60.
And it's just like old people driving really fast cars, really slow.
Just like a two-block radius in the post office and back.
Dude, when they wipe out and hit people, it's fucked up.
Yeah.
Old people like hit families at like 15 miles an hour constantly.
Just mowed out.
People like, oh, ouch, shit, fuck.
They come out.
I saw a lady do it outside of church.
Church is a hot spot for these things.
I saw this on the news the other day.
There was an old guy who shot his landlord in the knees twice or like under the
leg twice
because he didn't like come fix something in his apartment fast enough.
What?
Yeah.
You know he pulled a gun out just at his hip, too.
Just like me.
He's probably sitting just like this.
He was like, eh, eh.
Yeah, covered up.
Yeah, being old and shooting someone pretty tight.
Dude, this is like a precursor for like old McCusker.
True.
Yeah.
The nursing home.
Granddaddy Matt.
They'd be tight.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm just banking on the fact that there'll be like some sort of very
like jazzed up nursing
home by the...
I've talked about this all the time.
Like by the time I need a nursing home, it's going to be like full virtual
reality.
Dude, no, they're going to have hookers.
You're going to be able to fuck it, old nursing homes in like the future.
Because they're fucking each other all the time.
Yeah, true.
Eventually, they're going to like stop creating old people diseases.
Fuck these...
Like sex robots?
Sex robots.
Yeah.
That's an application for them.
They give them skin now.
They got Terminator skins.
I think it'll be...
The way I vision my old age is that I'll be carted around room to room and I'll
have like
an LSD injection early in the morning.
And then it'll be...
I'll get like...
That'll be like four hours.
Then it'll be like two hours on the auto blow.
And I'll be like just submerged in like warm, pleasant water for an hour.
And then it's like someone will wipe my ass and I'll go to sleep.
That'll be...
I have an auto blow.
That'll eventually be my life.
When I start to lose my...
You have an auto blow?
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
You're getting ready for...
You're preparing for retirement?
You're preparing for your senality, dude.
What's your auto blow got to do with my senality?
I'm just gifted.
You're trying to bunk with me, dude?
You just senality?
How's the auto blow?
It's pretty cool.
I used it once.
Do you ever hold it?
You're like, hold the back of the deck.
You got to hold it.
You still want them done?
Did you break it?
No.
Okay.
I just...
It's a tremendous responsibility.
Okay.
True.
Yeah.
So you saved it.
With great power.
Yeah.
So how quickly after getting it, did you use it?
Immediately.
And then you never used it again?
No.
It's under my bed.
Were you worried about like a Rise of the Machine situation?
No.
You used it.
When you used it once, you're like, that's too powerful.
Yeah.
I was like, I don't want to be sucked out of inspiration.
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow.
It has modes.
Is it like one of those like laughing skulls from Halloween Adventure?
What's the setup of it?
No.
It's like a...
You hit the eye sensor and it starts sucking?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Does it have eyeballs?
No.
No face.
What?
Not yet.
Not yet.
What is...
Is it set up like this thing?
It's like a PlayStation 4.
It's like a PlayStation...
Why don't they give you a head?
Do you press back on the...
Does it make...
Catch yourself fucking...
Does it have sounds?
It like...
Does it have like a...
Does it have a soundtrack to it?
I wish it had...
Voices would be better than the sound it makes.
It goes...
Ka-gonk.
Ka-gonk.
Yeah.
It's like a...
It's like a mechanical noise.
Yeah.
It's very mechanical.
It's like a robot sucking your dick,
but it feels nice.
Really?
Yeah.
That's the important part.
Yeah.
Like I can see like...
You know like you got to...
Sorry.
You know the head from Toy Story that comes out?
Yeah.
I thought it was like...
Yeah.
If you just walked up to you like...
It sensed when you needed a blowjob
and just kind of came out from Sid's bed.
That would be awesome.
Just fucking...
So you used the auto blow.
How long ago did you use the auto blow?
Maybe like...
It's been two months.
It's been two months.
Do you think...
How often do you think about the auto blow?
It's like every time I walk into my room,
I can't look under my bed.
I put a skirt.
It's shiny.
Like...
You know, I can't...
You covered it.
You covered it.
That thing's like the Philosopher's Stone for you.
You covered it.
Yeah.
It's too powerful.
Yeah.
Dude, I'm learning alchemy.
It's the Ark of the Covenant.
So are you afraid that you're going to like it too much?
Yeah.
That's a becoming issue?
Yeah.
Because all you need is an Oculus and you're good.
You get the auto blow and the Oculus.
Oh, yeah.
Is that how you did it the first time?
No, I did it regular.
Did you ever watch VR porn on your phone without an Oculus?
It's just like two images, right?
And you peek around.
There's something you make.
You can actually move your phone screen.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
It's like check out a lamp in the corner.
Like, fuck, dude.
I never could see that before.
Is that Ikea?
Nice.
That's good.
That's good you had the discipline to be like, you have the auto blow.
That's the only thing I have discipline for.
It's like sex for some reason.
That's noble.
It's noble.
Som