Name: Ep 400 - Partying With Girls
Uploaded: 2022-06-29T19:41:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 400 - Partying With Girls' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 400 - Partying With Girls' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-29. Transcript available.

Ep 400 - Partying With Girls

the wild wild west just saying yo fuck bt fuck bt bro
fuck that yo for real though fuck bt for real them fuck bt dude they with their
homophobic ass
i hate that i was trying to watch the awards and i saw that homophobia and i
was like i was
you know i just following on twitter with the bt awards like live tweet and
everything
i'd be like oh and i saw the homophobia i was like man
fuck bt me and my dad sat down to watch the bt awards
and both got disgusted by the home we both said yeah i like it crowded
you don't worry about that you let me do my job turn it turn it off i guess or
you can't scrub it out
fuck sean cardini ac dude yeah i like it cold yeah it's so oppy dude it's so
oppy right now
gardini might be the ops beauty of ops dude you think so
god dog when are you gonna stop opping bro
oh turn the tv on turn it off with my thick ass do you turn the tv dude my
little thickie all right
how are you dude
good man i slept till 7 a.m today i'm feeling good whoa sleeping in full seven
lazy bones
full seven must be nice i'll tell you what it was today on the woke up on the
bean bag
you woke up on the bag yeah maya wakes up at like five every morning so i try
to put her back down if
i lay on the bean bag she'll there's like a good chance she'll fall asleep but
i immediately pass out
so i just wake up on a bean bag on my back just like yeah i look at the light
through the blinds and
i'm like fuck it's still five i looked it was bright sunlight i was like i made
it that's all i made it
till 7 a.m damn how how like what are your sleeping hours like right now uh i
go to bed at like
last night was a little late it was like 10 30. yeah so i was kind of not happy
about that went to bed
at 10 30. i get woken up every two hours by the one baby crying and then one
baby yeah so the one baby
is just fully crying has a cold right now so you just hear like
yeah like a bit you're like i hope it's breathing but so it's like 10 30 to
about 11. i wake up around
like 11 usually and then i fall back asleep till like two i get woken up again
and then i fall asleep
till like five and then i wake up and then usually i'm up but today i got
blessed and you ever think
about neglecting your children it's to be like i'm sleeping yeah there's like
little tools you can use
where it's like give them five minutes if they put themselves back to bed you
can kind of get
which does work sometimes sometimes they're not fully awake but there's some
people like give them
a half an hour that's like i'm giving them a half hour dude so here's what
happens you people think
that this is nobody's waking my ass up dude you'll wake your ass up yesterday i
thought i was like
let me just go down there and see what's up dude i was like i woke up i'm like
all right nice it's
five o'clock we'll go back i'll bring you upstairs five o'clock somewhere it's
always five o'clock
somewhere dude i was like let's bring you back up to our bed that's the silver
bullet dude they pass
out if you bring it back up to mom i mean you know mommy daddy daddy's bed is
an absolute i mean
that's paradise until you're like till you're too old true till you're like
five ten till you're like
yeah six feet tall you're big till you're as tall as me till you're big you're
getting in that
bed you gotta walk under you're too tall for this right having music i was a
big kid dude man i was
big just thrashing around just being like 150 pounds being like can i get in
your bed
it's like god that's what my dad claims about billy billy was going in there my
dad claims that the day
he felt billy's stubble hit his he was like dude get the out but dude yeah you're
gonna put smart off
billy that's my dad that's my dad's story we all dude there was a long line for
mommy daddy's bedroom
yeah but billy had billy was like towards the tail end of the family so he got
a nice tour in the bed
that was my dad's story he felt the stubble yeah he's like all right bro and no
it's time
even he smelled billy's coffee
we were all terrified of the dark why oh i don't know i'm i i'm like not
terrified anymore as much but
billy was terrified of the dark i was terrified of the dark i told you i used
to work scared i used to
wake up in the middle of the night and just go around and systematically wake
the rest of my family up and
run back into bed because if i i didn't mind the dark so much i didn't like
being the only one awake
if i was awake and no one else was awake i was like no this is you're a menace
i would wake
i would not crawl your room just room to room is i would throw stuff at people
and they'd be and
i'd run back to my bed and i would fall asleep that's fun just karma now that i'm
experiencing
but dude i walked yesterday morning i walked down like nice 5 a.m coming up to
our bed let's go to
bed i felt a diaper i'm like oh you got a dry diaper because we're potty
training her so i'm like
nice she didn't pee her diaper so i'm like let's pop this down take a pee on
the pot
we'll go back upstairs i go to pull her pull up down and my thumb just fully
submerges and
shit just all the way down and it's i'm in a dark you want to turn on light so
i'm in a dark room
and all i can the only sense telling me my thumbs and shit is my touch and i
just go you feel almost
like the granules you feel almost like on a grainy level yeah just on my thumb
and then it's like
it's a is it always a slop pile the babies ever take like a decent dry log once
they turn they would
drop logs they start doing they start doing dogs they start doing logs that
protrude out of their
pants it's so funny because you're like you were at the playground the other
day i was like are you
shit is they'll like get real weird just like she slunk off and i'm like are
you going poop and she was
like no they always go no and then it was just a literally pinocchio nose
sticking out of her butt
i'm like dude come on this is a lie they kids love denying turds oh big time my
nephew will go he
likes to in other rooms really so he'll sneak off to another room and just his
pants
and then come back in like what's up and everyone will be like what did you
just do
nothing man nothing i was just over there just chilling i wanted to check out
that room i wanted
to see what was going on in the dining room i wanted to stand under the table
in the dining room
just see what's up just stand oh dude just stand a little just a little bit of
torque action on the
belly core engage the core crap dude their eyes just go yeah they go fart eyes
it's crazy it's the same
face you always make your face dude all of your attention's at your ass it's so
funny thinking
they can hide it as a little kid just being like i'm gonna dip out real quick i
don't feel like having
them pull my pants down and wipe my ass right now i'm gonna keep it cool no one's
gonna know have you
been i'm gonna pull this off i'm about oh for a thousand on this today's the
day i pull it off and no
one notices i'd yeah i'd like to neglect kids if i had a kid yeah that's that's
a leave them on the
floor i was talking to my chiropractor i'm like dude it's two two paths you
just you're just chatting
with your chiropractor yeah i had i was chatting with my chiropractor we're
talking he he grew up
on a resort town in at the beach like so he grew up doing beach resorts become
a chiropractor
yeah and he well he was saying you're putting a spot on chiropractic faces yeah
that's just
fake bro what are you talking about dude i have no idea you should read the
binder in his office
i will it's just a lot of binder a lot of good facts there's a binder you walk
in you flip through
it's like did you know chiropractic works very well you're like yeah i thought
so did you know this
shit's not fake that's always a nice sign when you enter an office be like yo
this is real dude i'm
telling you i'm telling you it works i gotta adjust they have they have beef
with pts pts and
chiropractors are yeah they trash each other while they're working very oppie
between pts the ops are
outside it's getting oppie outside i just checked the weather but no he was
talking about the the
dangers of when your job is nothing but fun and games so he he knew yeah
everyone he knew that's
what he was talking about and i was saying how yeah when you have kids
especially doing like you're a
legendary podcaster i was like it's all fun and games you become a broadcasting
legend the way you at
it's all fun and games it's fun time it's time to dick off with my friends it's
fun and games and
it's like i was like dude you have to go do i keep because he was talking about
his his daughter
who's like 28 and he was like yeah man 28 or i was i guess 28 but she was like
the age where women
start to kind of want a family his words but they're still getting hammered all
the time yeah now he's
like that's a tough time he's like you keep the party going you have a family i'm
like
gotta pick one or the other bro yeah i'm like or or you have a family and keep
the party going
you keep the party going and then you end up with some party animals yeah then
you give birth to
some true party animals that's life at the party that's exactly yeah yeah they
end up on kna
oh dude for sure those are party animals big time oh shit animal that's an
animal for the muppets dude
yeah you've been watching the muppets yeah muppet babies yeah watching muppet
babies
sucks what muppets rules dude i remember being a kid and being like dude get
rid of this childish
i need the real i need the muppets dude i'm not a baby
why are we watching baby baby's fucking rules it'd be funny to be a cynical kid
miss nanny to be like
what the fuck is this dude turn this off you say that dude fall on paw patrol
fozzy's funny joke
show it's every time i watch him try to do his funny joke show and everyone
fucking interrupts
someone like dude i know dude oh i get it i know dude he works so hard on his
funny joke show i tried
to do a funny joke show podcast the other day with a bunch of comedians on bird's
bus really that was
funny joke show what happened get a goddamn word in dude oh really everybody's
a funny guy
you gotta take you gotta you gotta step off to yourself and miss nanny will
come be like what's
the matter you're like miss nanny i worked really hard on a funny joke show i
did i left i left the
mic i stood up i started chirping off mike i said you guys stink this podcast
sucks they jumped all down
your ass they were in my ass no i was being a grump dude really uh the last it
was the last show
of the tour so it was two nights ago and it got canceled due to a thunderstorm
in mississippi what
yeah and it looked like it was gonna be the best one it looked really cool it's
like this amphitheater
damn that sucks and me it's a cp no right i guess you can't have a rain delay
yeah well we tried to do
a rain delay which really sucks because people just waited in their cars for
like two hours that sucks
yeah was the full refund uh i think i don't know i don't want to speak on that
true true it ain't my
money hey am i you shouldn't be talking about i should speak on other people's
business true true
you ain't sold out a show unless you sold out at me it's to see
yeah especially a drive it like is that a drive-in setup or is it like outdoor
theater it's just an
amphitheater yeah it was an outdoor like a concert jesus christ it was nuts
dude doing baseball fields
and it's insane and then we would go hit hit balls afterwards on the field that's
six dude first smoke
one i smoked by the end of the tour i got my swing back but you're a slugger
god the first swing i
took was insane really last time you've tried to hit a baseball i don't think i've
ever been successful
yeah it's it's wild yeah it's hard as it's really embarrassing were they
throwing you a meatball down
the middle or they yeah but still the first swing i took first swing i took was
on a tee in a
batting cage yes to hurt my back dude you don't know how to swing i i hurt my
ankle walking laundry
up the steps the other day dude