Name: Ep 401 - Home Of The Free
Uploaded: 2022-07-06T17:44:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 401 - Home Of The Free' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 401 - Home Of The Free' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-06. Transcript available.

Ep 401 - Home Of The Free

wow wow west yes dude we're here yeah we're here i'm sitting up straight
because i just went to
the chiropractor really yeah all my back problems come from the fact that i sit
like slumped and
then it pinches out my upper back really yeah i gotta remember the bruger
method i slid from the
bruger method you keep your i think that's what it's called you keep your lower
back just
like sucked in like that and it keeps the spine straight because if you hunch
you end up paying
for it up here when you hunch the lower back you pay for it in the upper back
would you think would
you even imagine that no yeah exactly i never even felt that it's like a dumb
ass i went to the
chiropractor two years later the guy told me the same exact thing i was like oh
yeah i forgot yeah
i can't work my back i'm a dumb ass sure i can't work the simple machinery
known as a back without
causing myself immense pain in the upper thoracic area shane what the hell's up
dude nothing man
nothing how you feeling i feel good me too i feel like a young fighter do you
really yeah i feel
like i'm a prime are you an sr right now you're an sr uh essentially yes
although i've been popping
them off dude i've been dropping asses the cup of hermes is how full is a cup
of hermes right now two
days that's basically halfway full four days you have a full cup i have one
more day one more day
until my woman returns i'll probably retain the seed for her really yeah you're
gonna hit her with a
three day i'm gonna hit her with a solid three day we're gonna give her the
party weekend yeah oh my
god you're gonna do all fourth of july weekend i'm gonna give her the fourth of
july what was
seed you're gonna give her the fireworks yes the two fireworks now it's time
for the real fireworks
that's gonna be nice a real launch across uh my girlfriend that's gonna be nice
when you finally
ejaculate it's gonna feel great so much better when you do it so long since i've
laid with a woman
yeah man when you do with another person it's a whole different thing even if
you're just
masturbating and she's sucking your nipples because you begged because you
begged does that
happen sometimes yeah you said can you suck my sex life is me masturbating and
be like can you just
please suck my nipples that's pretty good it's very nice dude yeah i can
imagine it's a serious hack
because any girl can wiggle out of a blowjob but if you like can you just suck
my nipples they're like
okay fine yeah okay fine damn dude it's the real deal it's gotta be a little
disappointing for her
though to be like damn my husband's like a freaking freak but like not in a
good not like he really
me hard or any of that it's like no he's like a weird he squirms i suck his nipples
dude you ever
get your nipple sucked while you're jerking off not well not while jerking off
it's basically getting
laid it is getting laid it's getting laid for sure it is i'm not discount i yes
you are correct
sensationally that's a wild sex act that's like more sinful than most sex acts
that's for real
that's bad dude no it's not that's bad dude that's a release that's bad no way
it's a sweet release
i'm thinking about it and i would like it you don't think you don't think i
want that
you don't think i want to be doing that stuff i like seeing them i like feeling
or get creative on
it too because they switch it up on you oh you'll start feeling it they hurt
dude it's i'm telling
you they're like a seventh grader on the clitoris they're like what do i even
do with guys nipples
they have no clue give it a shot lady they start getting creative i swear to
god they take one of
those like six inch hairs she was trying to pull one of those out of me there's
some of those things
dude i got four chest hairs and she's against all of them you need to let them
stand dude my my chest
there it's coming in nice really it's coming well i mean it's still like a
patch of pubes it looks
terrible still but it's good do you have like a like a focal point right here
yeah lucky right in
between i just have random nipple hairs dude still i need permission from lewis
j i don't think i'm
gonna get it so fuck it i'm just gonna tell you the story last night you're
gonna beg for forgiveness
later yeah if he doesn't whatever we don't have to it's nothing bad i'm sure
they've talked about
it publicly before it's i've never heard this we were sitting up we were
sitting up on ari's deck
last night and uh you know it was right after the fireworks the firework
display from ari's roof is
sick it's as cool as it gets and i was sitting up there while i was watching
the fireworks i was
like it was actually like a i was getting in i was deep in thought i was like
damn america and then jay
who didn't climb up the ladder started playing like me so horny on the music
and i realized i was gay for
looking at the fireworks and being like in america you were having a peak
experience yeah i was having
a nice experience anyway we get down we're sitting down we're all talking
having a good time and then
we noticed you can see the freedom tower we're like damn i can't believe they
tried to 9 11 us
bullshit pieces of shit and then uh i know you're talking about by the way
dropped this bomb he said
lewis goma because we were all talking about people's experiences that were in
the city during 9 11.
like justin silver was there he was like yeah my girlfriend showed up covered
in ash i told her to
some girl he was showed up to like banged on his door that's how he found out
about 9 11.
and he woke up and the girl he was with was covered in dust from the towers
really yeah he was like be
gone i don't think we were making fun of him saying he kicked her out yeah true
i don't think he did
kick her out you look like a coal miner get out get out of here you know you're
coming in cancer
um so we get to jay just goes yeah lewis j gomez rollerbladed it out of the
city on 9 11. what
this this brought on about two straight hours of crying laughing dude lewis j gomez
was
that then we called him to give the story he was at the he was at a hotel he
lived i think at the
chelsea hotel which was a dump that's where it is down and uh when 9 11
happened he decided to
rollerblade to rockaway new york say puerto rican goodbyed it was a complete
dude it's the longest
trek it's so long he rollerbladed across the george washington bridge on 9 11
rollerbladed
and he was fatter back then he was a big guy back then lip ring fat dude rollerblading
out of 9 11
from dude across the george washington bridge we were like how long is that
thing i googled it they
were like at the time it was built as the longest bridge on earth i mean
everything is the funniest
thing he got across and then that's nothing rock weighs 30 miles what it's
literally like further
than levity live from here that confirms my theory that lewis j is the streets
of rage character
it's dude imagine seeing 9 11 and be like i gotta get out of here rollerblading
was he already strapped
up i don't know that was that was the debate because there was rumors that he
was rollerblading
while 9 11 happened and he was just like i'm out and turned around turns out no
he's strapped up
he saw the smoke and said something something ain't right i gotta get out of
the city
now it's time for a six hour journey
that's like 25 000 calories it's the craziest thing i've ever heard and then i
was thinking like
there had to be fire trucks coming in on the george washington bridge that one
of the last things some
of those heroes saw yeah was a fat puerto rican dude rollerblading out of the
city i mean there's
gotta be when they do like code red code orange it must have been like that's
code orange that's a
bad problem the ricans put on the blades it's like when the puerto ricans are
fucking rollerblading
and also one of the guys one of the firefighters thoughts had one of the last
thoughts one of those
guys had to have was like lose like okay yeah so that was uh that was about two
hours of laughing
last night it's very funny that was giggle time dude how'd he get back did he
put him around his neck
i don't know i don't know he no he went to his parent or somebody's house
really i think his house or
somebody sister's house somewhere damn his bug out bags just rollerblades his
bag was rollerblades
jesus christ and then you know there's no phones he had to rollerblade for five
hours and then show
up we were laughing so hard at that first glass of water he had from the sink
just like
turn on the tv what the fuck's going on it's five hours later like yeah another
plane hit
oh my god they fell like he might have seen it from the bridge which would have
been
fucking crazy how how nice is that if he did go to his kin's house you're like
oh my god i wonder
if he's okay and you see him rollerblading over the horizon you're like thank
god yeah you're like
damn thank god well he he had no reason he's in like the bro Pedro revered it's
so crazy
he told him the enemy was coming Pedro revere yeah damn that's awesome yeah
that's a good fact to
know about him yeah and then we just told they just told stories about him for
hours and it's
he's the funniest he is the funniest dude of all time easily dude he's the
funniest dude of all time
that's a peak experience rollerblading away from 9 11. rollerblading out of 9
11. as much as it
sucked for all those people who died and lost loved ones getting to rollerblade
away from that
was probably pretty sick for him having like a real like i got like a die he
had a die hard four
he's fucking i don't know what he has nobody there's the worst idea i've ever
heard he was lewis j willis
dude he he said the rumble strips were rattling his bones he was on the side of
the highway the whole
way that's he rollerbladed on the side of the highway the whole way that's
scary you know how hard
it is to get up to the george washington bridge the ramps i can't imagine i
couldn't imagine that
how steep the fucking ramps are like and they're it's like a mile that's crazy
spiral uphill that he
rollerbladed on he he probably that's free yeah it's free on 9 11 dude please
yeah sure they probably
raised the tolls they're gonna say guys get in or out we got something imagine
you get a ticket from
that like check the date and you're like mother dude yeah hit you on 911 oh
yeah you gotta save that
justin said he had footage of it he said he was filming from his roof and he
was like i've never
watched it since i was like make sure you save that yeah that's like important
it's priceless he's like
why is it important everybody i was like dude just if your grandpa had footage
of
fucking pearl harbor you'd be like that's cool yeah i want to know to have it
yeah does he still have
it he says he does we i'm gonna check in on him today and say you better not
have been
fucking lying to me on the roof last night if you're lying to me i'm gonna be
pissed you didn't film
shit dude you didn't film anything that's good to know about lewis jay yeah so
you should do an
annual lewis jay rollerblade-a-thon no one could do that true yeah last night i
was like i would pay
him money i would have to find out how much money it would cost for him to do
it again and for me to
film it's actually really dangerous what he did i think everything was at standstill
oh yeah that's
good yeah did you ever walk across like a live bridge no i did in new orleans
dude it's scary as
fuck yeah i got lost in new and new oh dude and the fucking you got lost it was
off you to breathe
huh it was off me to breathe on i went through where basically juvenile around
that area but it was
wiped out dude in the floods oh i told you that that fact wardy yeah what about
that woody comes
from somebody who lives in your ward in new orleans yep uh-huh what war did
juvenile live in
he's not magnolia projects is he what what'd you say are you putting smut on he's
magnolia bro oh
okay he's magnolia till i till we both so i got it correct yeah he's magnolia
yeah i think that's
nine is that ward n