Name: Ep 404 - Gut Busted
Uploaded: 2022-07-27T17:27:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 404 - Gut Busted' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 404 - Gut Busted' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-27. Transcript available.

Ep 404 - Gut Busted

the wild wild west all right oh the superstar tells us he's saying now it's you
guys go
you're more of an actor or a director you're like an actor director
you're a superstar now yes you have changed have you not noticed the change
what's different god damn it the jet lag you're jet lagged dude i am jet lag
you're completely
you're jet lagged dude i know you're a complete rolling stone dude you little
jet lag you guys
you and the ok man been barking at the moon dude running late night with the
big dogs you guys
partying yeah a little bit what'd you guys do we drank we just drank at
different locations yeah
that's it yeah pretty much comedy life speaking of comedy life and drinking in
different locations
true i've been undergoing hell dude i've been going through it and fucking
blows something that sucks
you're but you gotta fight your belly's up my belly's gone dude no so thursday
in san francisco
i was at cobs joe avery i think his last name's avery i hope i'm not that up he's
great comedian he he had the tendies yeah in the green room he had the chicken
tendies on thursday
he had the test bed and he said geez these things are my stomach up and threw
them out
that's what i knew he didn't even finish the tendies he didn't even finish the
tendies
he was like these are these something's wrong i'm not putting this on the club
but the next night i was like that might have been a bad batch either way i'm
getting tendies for sure
so how much are you looking forward to that how long have you been looking as
soon as he told me
they made him sick i was like that's good it must be good that's a good bet
because joe's relative
he looks like a normal healthy guy yeah yeah i was like he probably can't
handle it for sure
he can't handle the heat of the truth and he has the tolerance he doesn't even
build up the natural
he doesn't eat tendies every week yeah so i ordered the eod on the tendies i
ordered them
and i'm gonna blame the tendies but it's just because i'm trying to pretend it's
not alcohol
on friday on friday i got them a saturday morning i woke up dude my stomach was
fucked up it hurts so bad it is funny yeah the thing about that now that i
think about it everyone
know who drinks a ton is always like i had a bad hot dog at the sunoco it's
like no you're blacked
out at the sunoco yeah it's not there's always one food missile it's like oh
man it must have been
the chicken fingers it's like dude that's you eat chicken fingers every week
must be that batch
of chicken fingers i barely remember eating it's not sitting well with me right
now not the alcohol
consumption so i i i was dude destroyed my stomach was up no good and then it
kept getting worse all
weekend so that was thursday that was friday when it started or no friday i had
them it was saturday
sunday into yesterday that sucks today so far so good but i just haven't eaten
yet yeah anytime i don't
coffee if i eat like an hour later my stomach just kills really yeah and it
hurt it feels like cramps
almost but it's it's like exactly where the pancreas is and stomach they kind
of overlap that was
illuminating too though that they overlap no that the fact that your stomach's
like underneath your
rib cage could have thought it was like your belly directly yeah i thought my
belly housed my stomach
it's like above a little to the left and above your belly that blew me away um
so i got i had to i had
to go to the doctor dude finally yeah it was time and i've it was first time i've
been to the doctor
and i don't go to the doctor yeah yeah i haven't had health insurance turns out
i have it
i have health you've had it this whole time i think they might have just got it
to me true but i've
been asking them i've been like telling my manager like can i get health can
somebody that owns my
money get me health you're basically a dreamer what do you mean you're a dreamer
what do you
mean like the daca bill for dreamers you're like please somebody get me some
health trying to become
a citizen at this point so i go to the i i was thinking about going to the
hospital yeah and that
go to the er for an upset tummy yeah but what i was thinking is you you know
international flight
coming up so like oh yeah flying somewhere else with like vague health issues
is not the not hopefully
that's hopefully it's done i think it is yeah if i munch now you'll see really
dude it's
fucking cripples me literally like it feels like cramps in your stomach that
sucks it hurts so
fucking bad anyway something's inflamed i go to the yeah i think that's that's
it turns out that's
all it is yeah i got blood tests done and well it was funny because he the the
nurse came in and was
asking me questions and then went and got a doctor and the doctor came in
immediately and was like
how much are you drinking he knew exactly what it was i didn't even include the
attendees in the
fucking report i was like i was like how many days i was like uh four four days
a week he was like what
do you have like three they always say that yeah what do you have like three
drinks like no dude yeah
no one has three fucking drinks four days a week if you're drinking four days a
week you're not
drinking three drinks they tell you on every commercial please enjoy response
unless you're like a mom
dude coors light or bud light would be furious to know that you're not enjoying
the products
responsibly like they're asking yeah i know actually yeah people like how come
he's not sponsored it's
because i drink 20 beers every time i'm on camera they can't they can't be like
nice
they literally can't be like this is good yeah true um
what are you doing over there checking the shot putting your spectacles on
checking the shot but he's the doctor comes in he's like how many are drinking
i was like about i don't know
like 10 10. he's like so you're having 40 drinks a week and i was like yeah if
you're gonna be a
dick about it well they come in there you get big well sometimes they come in
bigger cans so more like
35 30. true sometimes it's a pitcher i use i use phil math i'm like i had two
drinks yeah
it's a picture two pictures uh he was nice though he was courteous he was like
i i don't mean this
he was like trying to like he was like trigger warning yeah yeah i don't want
to shame you you
are drinking excessively he's like i'm not judging you for that but the yeah
just by the sheer liquid
volume i'd say it's a lot so then but it was funny too i was hitting him with
the bug but yeah it's like
it's just light beers it's not no that's still i was like it's not like i'm chugging
liquor you know
he was like no i have no idea what you're talking like that's so funny so he's
he diagnosed his
pancreatitis immediately did he really yeah he was like if it hurts there and
you drink excessively
that's yeah the pancreas produces insulin that's your liver oh yeah he gave me
the whole pressure test
it'd kill he pressed but then he pressed the bottom of my like abdomen and i
was like
it all hurt dude my stomach was you might have gastritis pancreas the pancreas
produces insulin
right yeah i believe that was another thing i was like i finally got diabetes i
knew that was coming
there was a moment where they left the room and i was just sitting in the
doctor's office and i was like
i mean i knew it was coming yeah i knew this day was coming true if it's party
time all the time
eventually you're going to be sitting on a paper that was just disgusting crinkly
paper i was just
thinking about it alone with the lighting just like yeah i knew it was coming
one day yep that's
the life we live true i knew it was coming first off that day is coming for
everybody you can either
have a good time before it happens or you can be a your whole life yeah and
then
just get cancer for no reason you get bitch cancer get girl get lung cancer you
never even smoked
pussy i knew i shouldn't have lived in a metropolitan area
yeah no you can't you can't get you know i i try to honor my my body suit my
earth suit but i
understand you also can't get too attached you're right i understand i've i've
been trying i've been
trying i've been too attached when i was younger you can get up from trying to
be too healthy
it'll genuinely you up like wait should i have this am i allergic to nightshades
and it's like no
you're just being anxious about food yeah you have to you have to let go of the
earth suit eventually
so then we run run a blood test i get the results turns out first off blood
pressure again great
that's awesome i can't believe it keeps happening that's awesome then we get
this i get the blood
results everything's good literally everything's good that's awesome i've been
dreading going to the
doctor for so long i was like i definitely have diabetes my liver is definitely
failing my heart's
exploding right now for sure my heart's exploding no all good what are they
what were the panels for
the blood did they go like obviously probably blood sugar i couldn't understand
them i had to look all
them up yeah it was everything um you don't have the beaties don't have
diabetes don't have pancreatitis
just have uh he was probably like your stomach's probably just inflamed yeah
you had a military
grade stomachache yeah top of the line heavy duty stomachache the worst stomachache
possible
and that that got me thinking like dudes that have like stomach cancer oh it's
you gotta ride
that out just till you die just your stomach hurts till you die yeah dude i
knew a guy who was an
operator he used to uh operate on machinery and he was telling me he hasn't had
a like a non-liquid
a solid for a decade this dude's just been diarrhea for 10 years 10 years dude
10 years
i'm not on the 10-year trip but i'm definitely on the 50 50. it's 50 50. yeah
what i mean dude
hung over blowouts but that's yeah four days a week yeah no i'm not hung over
four days a week come
on man for sure i didn't say you were what the fuck dude i don't have a problem
why would you say that
this guy i've ever blew my mind he's like he's like man we took a liquid i've
been talking a solid
about 14 years i believe it there's no way my dad's taking a solid have you
smelled his dumps
i haven't smelled a dump but i've seen the aftermath if you go to my parents
house
if you go up to the my parents bathroom jackson paul is it like it's it's a
rest stop mosaic
it's a restaurant dude he sprays the toilet he hits the spray every time you
can hear it dude
every yeah every time phil shits it starts with like a
and it's funny you can just yell you'd be like hey he's like shut up
oh my god yeah tommy hits those too does he really tommy pope hits the hard
dumps in the
morning like yeah i'd be out there gaming and he'd wake up i could hear the the
crud hit really loud
he hits dad shits dude i've been hitting i don't know and i i've had like weird
dumps for a long time
yeah i'm i'm been finally reliably hitting like loaves like almost barely
having to wipe loaves
however i've been having health issues loaves are so good pinching like like
one two wipe loaves it's
crazy yeah it's insane it's like oh bro hold on i got one speaking of loaves
yeah so
day two or the the the stomach's destroyed yeah so i get some pepto-bismol
by the way in you gotta go i went to this grocery store in san francisco
everything's locked really
behind glass with metal like padlocks on every door yeah i go in you gotta wait
like 20 minutes
you press a button to see if anybody else will come unlock it for you it it
this dude i go then someone
who doesn't believe in having to work yeah no that's exactly it was i walked up
to the front
and i was like excuse me does somebody have a key yeah and i'm not you know
this is just pertinent
to the story it was just clearly a woman from china yeah and i was like does
anyone have a key
and she had no idea what i was saying and i asked some other guy and it was
this black dude that was
just like i don't have it yeah and i was like okay like could you find someone
that has the key to i'm
just tryi