Name: Ep 409 - Everything is Sweet
Uploaded: 2022-09-17T18:23:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 409 - Everything is Sweet' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 409 - Everything is Sweet' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-17. Transcript available.

Ep 409 - Everything is Sweet

the wild wild west oh just got back from the rocky mountains performing out
there
what was the elevation when you're performing the elevation sucks were you were
you concerned
about the elevation yeah i was dying dude you could have passed out the
elevation was brutal
you could have passed out i couldn't tell if it was because i was extremely
nervous
or not but as soon as i got on stage my mouth was like yeah i was like oh navy
seals oh god
that i'd be so scared i would blame i would blame it all on the i would demand
like a hyperbaric
chamber or something to perform from some sort of suit no dude you wake up
every day your skin's
totally dry your mouth's totally i mean that also could be a hangover but it
also could be 30 beers
night number one was rough dude it was party time i was coming from vegas that
was a rough trip from
vegas it was actually it was actually a incredible trip dude this the fight
yeah it was incredible
yeah that's awesome took a private jet with saint roguys pjs me and lex friedman
and joe rogan on
private jet the pjs it's crazy how was it it was wild dude i just sat there and
those two were chatting
lex friedman and him we're talking about i don't know what the state of things
stuff stuff we said yeah
i was just like i can't wait for this fight they were like we forgot you were
here
yeah dude that's sick yeah i've never i've never been on a private jet those
things are pretty scary
dude those things you know like big ass planes you hit turbulence you think it's
bad those little
guys hit turbulence you're literally like i was trying to imagine i was on a
smaller flight like a
smaller commercial flight and i was trying to imagine if no one else was on it
to get a feel like
dude there must be so much space it is i mean you can just walk around but it's
also the turbulence is
scary yeah dude and then you know road is like a hard ass so he's like you like
that you're a little
nervous it's like yes dude this is also flying with roguys is scary why dude
the cia is about true
dude the body count is real yeah it's a little bomb on this private jet yeah
that's how they kill
everybody private jet crashes i was just going to say they crash the most
especially lex friedman
yeah dude damn that was a highly crashable pj yeah trump probably trump
probably was like no shane's on
there true please leave them leave them don't deep state
but yeah that was crazy the whole thing was crazy yes he comes out comes out
might be the biggest
dildo of all time what happened he just i don't know he's awesome sure comes
out chamayev is awesome
he's good but and he's so good like his rest that was terrifying watching him
wrestle i told you it
was like two cats dude like when you were that close and watching those dudes
like flip and roll
around when you sent me that it was the perfect description yeah it looks like
a cat killing an
animal it is locked up grabbed his neck and was rolling with him and and then
finally he was like
the guy would try to get off and he's somehow great it was gross well that's
that russian sambo bro
yeah it really is superior to bjj what is it russian samba it's superior i just
the tweet you sent me
they had that was that with the caption yeah it's like well it's superior to bj
i saw that guy was
mckeevi's got blitzed for for the bj that made me laugh so hard to get attacked
for saying
something about bjj dude that's you can't criticize jitsu i'm telling you they
can't criticize people's jits
they say you can't like like white guys don't have their n-word it's like bjj
is a close one to get
white guys fired off dude if somebody's like bjj's bullshit you'll get most
white guys be like
what the what'd you say about jits my jits is strong right now i can't i think
that yeah you
can't call white guys white trash there is one what's the one wait oh you say
wait uh which one
call it for white people white privilege that's one that'll fight that'll fire
white guys up but you
also jits is a quick one just one of the offshoots just being like jits is gay
eight out of ten white guys they're all break your arm right now it's like all
right that's gay as
shit dude you're gonna break my arm that's fucking gay
but when you see it in person when you see those dudes rolling around it's
truly scary terrifying
as soon as comes out cum shot fucking grabbed them as soon as cum shot grabbed
him it was so scary
he sort of twisted but he also he missed weight by like eight pounds and
everyone was like this
guy's a fucking asshole why'd he do that but there's a part of me that like i
see him he you
can tell he wants to be like liked yeah he seems like he really wants to be
liked but he's trying to
be the heel so he like comes out he's like you know what well you guys and
everyone booze him he's like
uh really yeah why did he miss all that wait how do you do that though uh i
think his i think his uh
trainer the guy who was making him cut weight was like you gotta stop like
doctors were like you
need to stop oh okay they might have like a different calorie system and who's
bakoban and
and there's a bottle like a doctor who's pocket cranium where he's from and who's
baka cranium they
might have like he might have messed up the math on calories and they're like
oh we gave him four
goats we should have gave him two yeah he's not he's swedish now he's changing
i'm teasing don't tease
them dude please don't tease i don't want him to seek me out and twist my who'd
make me say uncle how
fast do you think he'd make you say uncle the scariest dude ever the way and he
came out and
sprinted onto the stage and i was like holy he just ran out yeah he ran out
from behind the curtain
was like yeah i'm fat for this fight yeah he's like too big for everybody i
crush everyone and saw
that'd be sick if he was just that strong he tried to cut weight but he just
kept gaining muscle
he just was kind of is he's like built weird too he's like long yeah yeah he's
he's gonna be a
problem he's gonna be a real menace for everybody i'll notice dude yo don't get
ready mckeever
you're about to see a lot of the champs about to be boring as you're about to
watch wrestling matches
cute all you keep bjj although if he was in defense of russian sambo i'd have
yeah i could see that
what he was saying so mckeever tweeted uh tap outs tapping out shouldn't end a
fight it should end
the round yeah and uh the jits community was so pissed dude i mean they
attacked mckeevi's it's
funny sweet i don't know why i know he's such a sweetheart it's funny to think
of him getting attacked
you could definitely crab swirl
you would definitely just be like i'm talking sports and people be like you man
fuck you yeah oh man that was cool i giggled that made me that i was i saw that
and i giggled at my
house i said that's very funny yeah it was cool i stayed in mandalay bay did
you i saw it dude
i saw where it went down what floor were you on i was on the 37th it was close
i was towards the top
really he had like a huge penthouse thing yeah anyway what do you know about
that
off camera off camera secret top secret guess tell me more about the luxor
pyramid you saw
i saw the pyramid it was a bud light pyramid now where if you know that the
pyramid right next to
where the atrocity took place they put a bud light monument there's a bud light
pyramid there now
in honor what the what all the people that are drinking bud light wait what no
there's just a
pyramid that's right next to it that's it's las vegas there's a pyramid in the
sphinx
the sphinx right next to it but bud light sponsored right now now the yeah now
it's got a big blood
light sign on it did they put up any kind of memorial no it's a parking lot
what yeah they're
just it's just an empty park is anyone i bet they still have concerts there
yeah i would think so yeah
who do you think before who was the next if i was at a concert there i'd be
like
the whole time i'd have one eye on that window true who was the next to perform
after that it all
went down is that what concert was at the country fest yeah it was a country
one
there's someone had a break in the ice you gotta get a rapper in there what if
it's like i was
supposed to say it's probably like a little dirk or something you gotta get a
little dirky
a little dirt dirt in there to fire the people up maybe it's boosie badass dude
boosie would do it
like go ahead if i can shoot down here that's a good news dude i had a
absolutely unsettling experience what happened i went to the gym so i i'm on a
screen time challenge
right now minimal screen time okay trying not to use it at all so i've gone to
the gym no headphones no
music oh that blows dude but i i go to a separate room at the gym they just
build it so usually it's
just me in there by myself and they have a whole set it's really sick whole
setup a girl walked in
i go fuck fuck so i'm like whatever no big deal we start working out and all i
could hear was like
those jeans thank you bro thank you like civil war pants
it's a good look dude i've been slimming dude yeah you're so skinny i'm in slimming
i'm at the gym
so i all i can hear is my own heavy breathing you're gonna hold those pants up
soon i might
i might be mad from someone i'm gonna start touching i'm trying to get skinny
enough to touch
that's so skinny yeah dude i'm fucking you're not gonna be able to tuck boners
huh you better take it easy on those bull testicle pills dude i'm telling you i'm
fucking you better that's probably what stretched your trousers out you talked
to boners straight brick
dude yeah my woman's noticed the difference but go ahead really oh she's no
woman has i haven't shown
it to her yet but i i'm gonna tell her about it be like the reason i'm so bricked
up i was getting
hard testicle pills i was getting hard as hell dude i was i was coming here
like hairy ears or something
i was cuddling her last she's like thanks for cuddling last night i was like i
was trying to rub
my boner on you but yeah but yeah no problem anytime but so you're at the gym
at the gym dead silent
workout dead silent i only hear is my breathing no problem yeah then a girl
enters thank god she had
headphones but all i could hear was me like and then she'd be like dude it was
the audio track of
us having sex basically that's pretty awesome that only i was listening to and
she was listening to
like you know whatever music she was like katie perry or whatever but i was
sitting there dude how
did you feel i felt kind of like i was like invasive i was so happy she had
headphones but the whole
time i'd just be like and here like yeah it was just like right in my years it
was a small space
it's pretty sweet 30 minutes it was pretty right i told britney about it yeah i'm
on total
absolute honesty complete honesty like britney had like a lightly sexual
experience with the
stranger you probably should stop doing that no i have to tell her you should
definitely not tell
bernie i had a lightly sexual experience if my girlfriend told me every sexual
slight sexual
thing i have to confess human you have to confess to them i get the bull testicle
and run i might
headbutt through a door you say britney i have to tell you this right now i was
in the shower
and i was tempted to think about strangers while i was masturbating but i
ultimately decided upon you
yeah all right complete honesty tell her everything yeah it's total i'm telling
you i
you whack off to your wife i've completely just started i can
jokes but no i dude i'm telling you i made a assault covenant with myself last
night
no more porn forever forever forever i don't want to ever want to watch it ever
again and it's
not like i'm not like spazzing about it it was just a porn sweet dude i just i
mean it's attractive
you know it's sweet as hell i don't think it's sweet i've been watching it hold
on
hear me out hold on this isn't the yes or no the porn is sweet sweet sweet if
you hold off
for a while and you're like oh yeah i haven't whacked off in a while you toss
on some pornogr