Name: Ep 410 - Sensual Delight
Uploaded: 2022-09-22T17:49:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 410 - Sensual Delight' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 410 - Sensual Delight' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-22. Transcript available.

Ep 410 - Sensual Delight

the wild wild west whoa just like that we need a three i'm kidding we're good
yo what's up yo
i encountered you in the wild that pumped me up this morning yeah it made me
happy too it's the
best yeah when you see your bros walking encountering your bros in the wild or
your bros in the car
like if they're in their car and you're in their car you get to pull up it's
like
a few things are better like oh holy there's my friend there's that guy there's
a guy i just saw
10 seconds i was about to go into his house he's right there i was genuinely
that i was like
yeah give me the gump wave yeah it was nice
what's up dude i gotta say i gotta say man what's up it's your big day dude
congratulations why is my
oh why is my big death i mean it's saint matthew's feast day true very true it's
the feast day very
true you know what he's the patron saint of no like accountants is he really
yeah that
shit sucks i could see that i feel like i mean i'm sure he's got more yeah yeah
you know how all the
saints have a lot saint matthew saint matthew patron saint of accounting i i'm
i'm pretty tied to a lot
of accountants so i could see myself being their patron in some way it is your
feast day dude i'm
definitely gonna feast i had a big i honored you with cinnabons this morning
you feast into my yeah i had
two cinnabons i had a bit of a scarce breakfast but i think i'm gonna make up
for it i feasted on
stimulants this morning fucking pounded uh i'm on my basic bitch dude on lunch
i'm coconut milk latte
and they uh i took my fucking supplements they remind me i need to take god dog
would you do me
a kindness and in in the in my bed chamber next to the window there's these
three little you'll see them
please grab them you want your yellow tin i need to take my yellow tin dude i'm
telling you i like to
wake up i take those things and pound a latte and i was like i had to like calm
myself down this morning
i was laughing so hard and i don't even remember what was going on dude i
totally stemmed i i i uh
i took some marijuana this week did you really when two nights ago sunday night
what was the sunday
night what was set and setting uh i was i got done watching football i went to
the afternoon games at the
local bar had a couple brewskis yes that's that's the one sean you took
marijuana and monday night
football no not monday night football it was sunday okay sunday i was down at
the local local bar having
a couple light beers watching football yeah chicken wings and then i got home
and i was like i want the
party to continue but i don't want to continue to drink alcohol good move so i
ate a weed cookie
that's a and took a play out of my that's my party sucked what happened i hate
weed even when you're
drunk i hate weed uh no it actually was pretty funny i just couldn't sleep
because i was laughing
and that sucks yeah yeah i was just dying i put on my book about pirates and i
was trying to sleep
i was laying there just out of nowhere i was just like pirates are so gay
like you know i was just dying laughing dude i was dying thinking about how
lame pirates are dude
the shittiest dudes of all time why the fact that they're romanticized at all
sucks they're literally
a boat of rapists that was they're a boat of rapists that would just sail
around find another
boat and catch it torture and rape everyone and be like hardy hard we got
another one hey pedophile
rapist murder yeah they suck pretty brutal they suck so bad that the king of
england had to be like
i decree we need to blow these guys up just find them and blow them out find
them and blow them the
up dude there's a boat of retarded guys raping everyone yeah when you put when
you put the
in when you put it like that the king of england starts to sound pretty sick he
was pretty like dude
we're trying to conduct trade so people can like have livelihoods yeah we're
trying to get the coffee
and spices out from the slaves we have these rapists are ruining it and they
were working on that too
yeah they did get like we're working on eventually abolishing slavery but right
now we need sugar
yeah sugar is so good dude yeah would you trade millions of lives for sugar i'm
against sugar i have
a personal fatwa on sugar right now it's i think it's one of the most sinister
fucking compounds out right now yeah it's dude it's completely i did just have
a cinnabon
dude try to not eat like sugar refined sugar for it's almost impossible to not
encounter it or have
it like forced upon you to the point where you almost start to become like ostracized
from your
settings i tried not eating it like dude like your mom gets sad she's like oh
well i made this for you
and you're like i'll eat it i'll eat it i'll eat it mom trying to avoid refined
sugars but i'll eat it
because i don't want you to be sad yeah moms love giving sugar you have to let
them bro that's like i i
try to do it it's like oh i yeah i made you these cinnamon things and i'm just
like i'm not gonna
i'm not that's what happened this morning my girlfriend made she was fixing up
breakfast yeah
it's figured i was getting eggs you got a little cinnamon she said i made
cinnamon buns i was like
jesus christ i the last thing i need is cake in the morning you know what's
funny i actually schemed
true and i actually schemed on making cinnamon buns for the squad today and i
looked up like
the fact that i roll out dough and i literally closed my phone and discuss i
was like
fuck that i'm not doing that i mean that's a nice thought that would have been
nice for your feast
day to bring cinnabons i almost did it but i saw and it's it's a it's a step of
self-knowledge
because before i bought all this they're called cinnabons are they cinnabons i
think are the things
there's the cinnamon cinnamon cinnamon cinnabons are the fast food yeah but i
think you i think people
i think you can do it people understand that i'm eating what i'm eating in the
cinema yeah setting
the tone for a long day i think i think cinnabons are like the fentanyl version
of cinnamon buns
i haven't i don't think i've ever you've never partaken in a cinnabon i'm not
sure that i have
dude they're pretty far you think they're nasty they're pretty decadent i'm
sure they're as good
as it gets they're pretty delicious it's auntie ann's but for cinnamon buns
auntie ann's is a
fucking unsung hero as well so good dude fucking christ the cinnamon sugar pretzel
when i was a kid
that was the only thing that could get me through a mall trip with my fucking
gay ass sisters and mom
yeah the soul-crushing news that all the cinnamon sugars are out only glazing
raisin remains i'm
i was glazing raisin is pretty good dude true but in my head back then i was
such a picky eater
anything like that like a raisin to me you got a hardy raisin in there though
those are
fucking big ass raisins to me i put when i was a kid raisins were on par with
like broccoli i was
like that dude that that's a vegetable what the even is i didn't even know they
were like
dehydrated grapes i'm like those things yeah i forgot they were until you just
said it
i would see him and be like those things i'll just dip a plain pretzel and
cheese thank you
very much mom can you please yeah that's that's good we gotta go to same thing
like we gotta go to
bosco's i need to dip one of these things if i'm going to bosco's i'm getting zinnies
i'm getting
pretzel sticks we're getting school clothes fight dude you had no say in the
matter you'd be chilling
your mom would be like come on you'd be like what's up get up we're going in
the car and you're like
wait what come on come on i'm old enough to stay home by myself she's like you're
out of your
fucking mind yeah in the car we're buying you the gayest pants you could
possibly imagine
and your mom would just be like that's what you're wearing you're like
mom yeah the only solace was like can i please dip a pretzel in something she's
like yeah fine
yes you can get pretzels imagine that's such a nice thing to shut your fat son
up
give him a pretzel here's a dollar 89 i can i use some flynn o'hara's you fat
idiot you could completely get this guy into submission khakis that's the most
embarrassing
thing about having kids they'll be full scale like i don't want to do that you
put on one show and
they're like all right shut the up for half an hour it's pretty embarrassing
how quickly you can
completely thwart their independence just one after they're like i don't want
to you like boom they just
go oh you're like this is up i shouldn't do this but like i need this half an
hour zombie go yes the
ipad we haven't done the ipads but it's i understand the draw yeah dude it's it's
like you shut them
down you completely power them you could chill them for 24 hours or they would
be locked in it's
addictive though you can start to stretch it's literally the click remote you
can you can gain
your freedom back by just putting them into like a christopher reeves state for
like three hours
yeah the universe is the christopher reeves the universe
i as i was saying this i'm like you're this up christopher christopher i've
done that before
it's your feast that you can say whatever you want i mean christopher reeves
also was pretty jacked up
probably he was jacked up i think he fell off a horse yeah he didn't know about
the universe though
that's such a way to get paralyzed falling off a horse just falling off a horse
pretty unheroic now
you're stuck forever stuck porn the rest of your life and you were superman and
you were superman
you fell off a horse so he fell off eminem was talking on him non-stop yeah eminem
went at
christopher reeves in like 30 songs people were like dude stop he was like i do
whatever i want
i'm crazy yeah but he again he was like the tail end of the comet that was like
you can fully make
fun of paraplegics yeah fully flamed gay dudes he was like the tail end of that
and caught most of the
heat by being like he blew up the most at the very end of that and was like
wait hold on what they're
like yeah you can't make fun of paraplegics and gay guys he's like gay guys you
should be allowed
he was in like oak table boardrooms and like eminem this is great keep it going
we love the album could
you please get rid of the making fun of christopher reeves skit in the middle
of the album for no
reason and the gay guy that you keep doing you remember that what was his name
ken knick
oh yeah i want to suck your dick yeah yeah it was sucking insane clown posse's
dick dude
fuck that's so good i can't get over that of just the like when you chronicle
popular entertainment
through our upbringing it was like young almost like pedophile level slut
worship yeah pretty then it was
eminem aggressively being like a guy in the meantime black dudes are being
pretty cool doing really cool
stuff at like a level they'd be like oh cool what do you mean casey and jojo
were just releasing like
crazy black power ballads and everyone was just like yeah that kind of rules
but uh what's up with
eminem talking about gay guys sucking each other's birds because that was dude
there were some crazy
like casey and jojo cisco it was pretty serious playing but in my opinion it
was none of the
you know worldwide fervor that eminem sparked by being like check this out yeah
he elvis pretty hard
he elvis pretty hard i mean he was winning all those companies yeah but it's
not like
like elvis was literally ripping off songs yeah not one black dude was like i'm
oh yeah i'm gonna
suck your dick no one was doing that yeah i don't know i'm not trying to smite
him but that that was
his big lil nas x stole from eminem yeah going around being gay yeah i mean it's
having his final form
is to actually be a gay guy yeah i've always i've always taken that approach to
what people call
appropriation that it's just like a passing back and forth and a mutual refinement
of course like
that you know there was the blues dudes and then all of a sudden they're
serving peppers and it's
like whoa yeah that's that wasn't born o