Name: Ep 412 - Rookie of the Year (feat. Rone)
Uploaded: 2022-10-05T17:06:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 412 - Rookie of the Year (feat. Rone)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 412 - Rookie of the Year (feat. Rone)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-05. Transcript available.

Ep 412 - Rookie of the Year (feat. Rone)

The Wild Wild West.
I went to snap.
What happened to your fucking hand?
I was peeling apples this morning.
I peeled my finger.
Nuh-uh.
I went right down my goddamn finger, dude.
How bad?
Peeling to Granny Smith.
It wasn't too bad.
I used to love Granny Smith.
Dude, I still do.
Really?
I'm a red guy now.
You're a red guy.
I switched.
So now I'm a...
Excuse me, bro.
Excuse me, brother.
Oh, hey.
Here's our guest.
Good to see you both.
Is it Red Delicious or Macintosh?
That's a question.
What's the crisp?
Honey crisp.
Honey crisp.
Honey crisp?
Oh, those are nice.
Yeah, I like a nice crisp.
I don't like the reds that are soft.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's a Macintosh, I think.
It's disgusting.
Grainy and soft?
Yeah.
Not with that either.
Not trying to eat same.
No, I still hold down Granny Smith, but I've got into...
They're so sour and tart now.
Dude, I love them.
Yeah.
This is apple season.
Yeah, it is.
So now what I do, though, I used to do straight Smith, but now I've got into
baking
apples, so you've got to do a little variety.
Throw some Smith in there for the tartness.
I think I threw some Honey crisps, actually, in there.
Wow, look at you.
Can I see the cut?
Can you show me the wounds?
We have bandages.
It's small, but it was in the heat of the moment.
I didn't want blood to get on the apples I was cutting, so it's just a little
nick.
It's nothing crazy.
Okay.
But I was leaking.
But you still, you did the right thing by covering it up.
Through the Band-Aids, so I can continue.
I was just like, yes, yes.
Have some Neosporin.
No, just the band.
It's the bandage.
The acid from the Granny Smith probably.
Oh, that probably hurt.
Probably just cured it all out.
Yes.
Cleaned it out.
But I heard kissing a wound will actually make it better scientifically.
It does.
It does.
The saliva, I heard that too.
The saliva actually does it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I feel like that cannot be true, though.
Oh, it's true.
Yeah.
But saliva, somebody else's saliva in your cut.
Your mommy and daddies you're talking about?
You're talking about your mommy and daddy?
My mommy and daddy would probably break out in herpes.
Yeah, they would.
Fucking disgusting.
My slut of a dad.
You had to get your finger amputated.
My fucking gay slut of a dad.
Yeah, he was.
I was a gay slut.
You got AIDS from your daddy kissing your wounds?
Whoa, dude.
What the hell?
My dad doesn't have HIV.
I thought he was a slut, dude.
No, he just said he was gay.
I said he was a gay slut, dude.
I mean, I thought when, you know, scientifically.
I would for real give anything for my dad to come down with monkey pox.
If he just somehow, not sexually, just if he's accidentally got it.
Just for the giggles?
Just to be like, dude, what were you doing?
Like sharing a needle with his buddies?
What were you doing?
Sharing a needle.
Also, he would rock it.
The pox?
He would totally be like, what?
What's the pox look like?
He could have serious sores on his face, and he'd be like, what the hell?
What are you talking about?
Just arms bare?
Short sleeve sharing.
Yeah, he'd rock pox.
Do people die from m-pox at all, or is it just like...
No, I think it's just a...
It's just unsightly.
You just become a freak.
Yeah.
It cycles through, though.
I don't even think it's that bad.
I think they just wanted something.
I think monkey pox is nothing.
Yeah, the only thing that's scary about it is the stigma.
True.
But now everybody else is getting other shit, and they think it's monkey pox.
Ooh, monkey pox is rough, dude.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, monkey pox is rough.
What are you looking like?
Holy shit.
What are you looking like?
If that's real, but you never know.
No, no, you can Google...
Yeah, true, true.
...just about anything.
It looks like the Skittles commercial where they can, like, pop the Skittles
off.
Oh, man, monkey pox is bad, dude.
Yeah, little bumpies.
It will be funny if your dad got it, though.
Yeah, if he accidentally got it.
If it ran through the Elks in Mechanicsburg, the bros just came down with it.
Just some dudes fucking high-fiving over the game, fucking like, yeah!
All it takes is one of the Elks to go suck someone at the Y.
Do you stigmatize it, though?
There's got to be one guy in the Elks who's...
There's definitely some homosexuals at the Elks.
Yeah.
Wait, what's the Elks?
The Elks Lodge?
It's the Fraternal Brotherhood.
They have a frat?
It's the Fraternal Order.
Yeah.
They have a man frat?
Yeah, they have a frat.
Really?
It's just for dudes to get the fuck out of the house.
Is there dues?
Do you have to pay to get in?
Yeah.
My dad was named the Rookie of the Year.
What?
His first year.
They have a Rookie of the Year.
My father has a picture at the Elks.
Well, he did it for a year, called the Rookie of the Year.
It was a picture of Phil.
A blazer in a suit.
How did he get rookie status?
Just dominated.
Showed up nonstop, put down brewskis.
Yeah, what kind of stats was he putting up?
People were like, damn, this guy's...
He's unprecedented.
That is actually pretty sad.
What?
Getting the Rookie of the Year at the Elks?
Rookie of the Year at a local bar.
When you're like 60 years old, people are like, holy shit, this guy's an
alcoholic.
What's the age range for the dudes?
There's some young bro...
My bros are getting into it from back home, which is...
The Elks does rule.
It's like a dollar a beer.
Yeah.
That sounds incredible.
You just pay your dues, you get like 50 cents beers.
There was a bar in Westchester called The Eagles.
It was a popcorn machine.
You got to see if you could play at the same time.
They have like one big screen TV.
It's not a flat screen.
It's like a box.
It's like 800 pounds out of it.
They all gather around, watch the Steelers on it.
That's sick, dude.
Yeah, there's a place we used to go to in Westchester.
You could drink for like a dollar.
It's the best.
You just go there and get hammered at the Eagle.
And then it was all like club.
Everyone assigned you in.
It was sick.
When I go home, I go to Friday night, bingo night at the Elks.
Bingo's fun.
And then I lie to my mom.
I say, they called that.
You have bingo.
And she'll be like, bingo.
And everyone's like, oh, boo.
Everyone gets mad at whoever gets bingo.
And then the guy comes over and he's like, it's not a good bingo.
He's like, I wiped my car.
We got to go over the numbers again.
That's not rookie of the year material, dude.
No, that's a good trick, though, when you trick your mom.
That is so fucking funny.
She was devastated.
She actually hasn't really forgiven me for that.
The fake call bingo?
Fake, yeah.
If you get someone to lie on a bingo.
She probably trusts you so hard.
She was probably like, oh, my God, this is it.
I've never won anything in my life.
Yeah.
Especially if you know you're responsible for someone wiping their card.
That's fucking crazy.
Yes.
I wiped my card.
But that's on them.
That's true.
There's a chance of it not going to bingo.
Anytime they call 69, the whole place goes, ooh.
Bingo must get rowdies.
That is all they have, right?
Yeah.
That's bad bingo discipline, dude.
If someone wipes their card, it's like, dude, how about you get the fuck out of
here?
Yeah.
Fucking spaz.
And you got to cheat.
You got to.
I cheat.
How do you cheat?
You get.
Oh, multiple cards.
Oh, you know what?
You lay out all your cards.
Yeah.
And whatever the first number called, you check and say, all right, I'm going
to go with
this card.
Yeah.
Get a little advantage up top.
Oh, my God.
Get a couple of advantage.
Yeah.
I'm a couple of brewskies deep at this point playing bingo at the Elks.
Whatever it takes.
Whatever it takes.
I swear to God, that's about as happy as I get.
That's so fucking fun.
So nice.
Is there ever scandal?
Any cheating scandal or just the.
Yeah, there's some accusations.
Yeah.
Whenever one particular table is doing well, the rest of the bars, they hate
them.
They're talking.
They're like against them.
And then, yeah.
But how can you even really cheat in bingo?
You just told us.
I mean, you can start like that.
But that's not like a cheat.
You can bring extra cards.
You can play multiple cards.
You can not use a marker.
You should be using a marker.
You can use chips.
You can check your cards and be like, actually, this card's doing pretty good.
I'm going to move.
Yeah.
You can play multiple cards.
That's what I'm saying.
Play multiple cards.
Play multiple cards.
Wipe it.
Keep it.
And what kind of prize money are you looking at?
Life changing?
I mean, we're talking about blackout, the final cards.
Yeah.
Full blackout.
Final round.
600 bucks.
And at the Elks, that's 1,200 beers.
That's rookie of the year shit.
That's incredible, dude.
Every night at midnight, they all do this.
It's like a, it's a secret.
I shouldn't be divulging this.
The Elks are going to be pissed.
Yeah, they're all.
I don't know the, I forget which one's the moose.
The moose?
Might be this.
The Elks might be this.
Yeah, yeah.
It's one of those.
At midnight, to the veterans, dude.
To all the fallen troops.
It's just a bunch of drunk guys.
It's like they're teasing.
They love the troops, dude.
They're being respectful.
Almost none of them were troops.
They're all just draft dodgers.
They got to hold it down, though, for the troops.
Old dudes love troops so much.
Of course.
What's not to love?
What else is there to love, though, once you're older?
Are there troops in there?
Do the troops hit it back to them?
No, they all, yeah.
I think it's actually just for dead Elks.
I could be wrong.
Yeah.
For the ones who've gone before us.
For the rookies of the year.
Rookies of the year, I'm short shelf lives, dude.
What if you joined and didn't get rookie of the year, dude?
How furious with yourself would you be?
If my father got it and I didn't?
Yeah, exactly.
It'd be like a Griffey.
It'd be like a Ken Griffey situation.
Yeah, exactly.
I might come in, catch a fly ball in front of him, be like,
that's just us goofing around.
True.
I might be Ken Griffey.
Yeah.
You'd have to.
Otherwise, it'd be like the beginning of Gladiator.
You have to find your dad.
Yeah.
I never knew.
Dude, I just watched Gladiator again.
Did you really?
Put it on in the green room this weekend.
It was nuts.
I watched Ghost in the Darkness.
Ooh.
A lot of guys don't know about that.
Lil' Kilmer, bro.
I don't know anything about that.
Lil' Kilmer.
That was one of my favorite movies ever.
That was, when I was a kid, that was on replay.
Got that from Blockbuster and it was just like, holy fuck.
Yeah, this is unbelievable.
Yeah.
It's actually pretty good.
It's not as bad as you would think.
Then we watched Gladiator.
Got in an argument with a comedian named Mike Turner.
He was sitting there.
He was trying to trash it.
Gladiator?
Yeah.
He was trying to trash Gladiator.
What were the points?
He was saying it was too long.
I don't know.
He's made me sick.
Yeah, that's crazy.
It's like chick shit.
I was just, I didn't want to say it.
It's fully chick shit.
That's saying a movie's too long for girls.
That's girl stuff, dude.
He said, he was like, Top Gun was the best movie I've ever seen.
That's probably also long.
Is that not long?
Well, it's long, but it's also, you'd have to be, you'd have to be simple.
Can I tell you something?
I've never seen Top Gun.
The first or the new one?
Either.
I've never seen Top Gun.
They're pretty good.
They're sweet.
I don't know why.
I've never been told them.
The new one's cool to watch.
Yeah.
But you'd have to be a moron to be like, this is the best picture.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I need Gladiator.
I need fucking Regicide or Patricide for me to even care about a movie.
What about like, you said Fratricide?
What about a Fratricide?
I could deal with that too.
Fratricide, Regicide, Patricide, I was saying.
There was some Patricide in Top Gun.
Was there really?
Did you get it?
Nah.
I thought you had it.
I thought I did too, but it was fucking Band-Aid created a wind tunnel.
I always feel quick as shit whenever I catch one, but then they're like the
slowest, dumbest
animal.
Yeah, that was a slow-moving fly, dud