Name: Ep 416 - 2 Fly To Die
Uploaded: 2022-11-02T19:40:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 416 - 2 Fly To Die' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 416 - 2 Fly To Die' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-02. Transcript available.

Ep 416 - 2 Fly To Die

Wow, wow, Wes.
Hello.
Today on...
Today on the news.
We should go full news.
We should go full media.
I saw a nice sign.
Speaking of politics, I saw a nice sign here.
It said, vote out the racists.
What?
Yes, vote November 8th or whenever.
The racists?
That we need to beat the racists.
Really?
Fetterman.
Fetterperson?
Fetterman.
Someone calls him Fetterperson?
A better person.
Dude, did you see that debate?
Yes.
I felt bad for the guy.
Yes.
Oh, yeah.
That's how we should start the podcast.
What?
Hello.
Good night.
Yes.
Did you see his opener?
Killer.
What did he do?
They were like, all right, Mr. Fetterman, opening remarks to you.
He's like, Pennsylvania, good night.
Fuck.
He did that?
Yeah, he hit him with good night.
He could have been like, I met it in a medieval sense.
Like, good night to you all.
It is a good night.
Good night to you.
Dude, he just had a fucking stroke.
Yeah.
He shouldn't be...
He tried to beast the stroke, which I'm kind of like...
Again, politics aside, on a personal level, I'm like, kind of goat shit.
Beast the stroke.
The beast the stroke.
He'd be like, I got this.
But, dude, I felt bad for the guy.
I watch clips of it, and it's like, sometimes I fuck up what I'm saying.
I get it.
For sure.
But he was...
Dude, I could tell he was hitting on that.
It was just like...
I know the feeling, brother.
Imagine doing it on a comedy podcast.
Do you think that was bad?
Imagine.
Imagine you want to get a punchline out, and you flub it, dude.
You got something you've been sitting on for five seconds.
You're like, this is going to hit.
I got to get it.
I got to get it.
Fuck.
Too much time's passed.
Yep.
I'm going to try it anyway.
He was trying to hit the...
He had some sick jokes coming up, but there was one about Dr. Oz where he was
like, you
got an abortion.
You want to have Dr. Oz tell you what to do?
Or you wanted to have a doctor tell you what to do?
And he was just like, fuck.
Yeah, he was...
Forgot Dr. Oz was a fucking doctor.
Although, I will say, he didn't show any signs of like, fuck, I fucked that up.
I saw a couple.
Oh, really?
I watched some where he went like, fuck.
Oh, really?
I thought he was just like, I'm killing...
I'm...
Oh, no, no.
There's a couple of times he would go...
How else would it be to have a son and name him doctor?
That's his first name.
That's nice.
Just doctor.
First name.
Sir.
It's like, I am doctor.
It's just like, sick.
That is nice.
Let me tell you.
I might do that.
Doctor?
Yeah.
This is Dr. Abel.
If I have a son, I'm naming him Jesus Socrates, Dr. McCusker, dude.
The Phillies have a Jesus Socrates, Dr. McCusker.
I mean, this is good.
I'm going to homeschool him for like, fucking...
Teach him the ways.
34 years.
Just get high as shit.
Just blow smoke in his face.
Be like, do you see that?
Do you see the fucking elves?
Yeah, the Phillies have a picture named Sir Anthony Dominguez.
What?
He's not a knight.
Sir Anthony.
How the fuck do they do that?
They spell it S-E-R.
Sir Anthony Dominguez.
He deals.
He's nice.
So his name is Sir.
His name is Sir Anthony.
Call me Sir.
He can say, guys, call me Sir.
He can say, ma'am, sir.
Damn, they built the Ustedes into him.
Yeah.
You better show respect.
Who said it?
Yes.
Fuck, I forgot I was wearing purple socks everyone's going to make for me.
Why?
What the hell is wrong with that?
Because I bought a pack of Adidas socks.
I didn't know they were all different colors.
It's time to mix it up.
Purple socks.
Nah, it's time to mix it up, dude.
This is, I mean, I'm going gray and black.
It's true.
I don't want people to see, man.
Shut the lights out, dude.
Sometimes I just don't want to be seen.
I heard that.
Do Latin mass.
Just do full fucking.
And another thing about John Fetter person.
Yeah.
What are you looking at?
Checking the shot.
The shot's great.
Yo, I'm sorry for taking a PA at you outside.
I couldn't resist, dude.
You dissed my whip.
Bro.
I don't know if I'm ready to forget you.
It was the right thing to do.
Your whip stinks, bro.
Have you ever done valet?
No.
See, I've driven valet before, so I see a valet brother.
It's like, yeah.
I'm just thinking, I'm reminiscing.
You see this fucking piece.
Let's park this piece of junk in the fucking bag, dude.
You see a piece of junk like that, pull up, you go, bro, your property value's
dropping.
This is the Sofitel.
Hopefully the garage you're parking has a basement for this piece of crap, dude.
My whip is bad.
Why do you drive that sack of shit?
I don't have a choice.
Do you ever feel like a dumbass when you're driving that piece of shit?
Not until right now.
Smoking cigarettes like a little punk?
He threw a cigarette out the window when he pulled up in that sack of shit.
Did he really?
Oh, he splittered on the ground?
Right on the ground.
Noah was none too, Noah was Native American, so I started crying.
Single tear came out of Noah's high face.
It was upsetting to see.
So Noah was standing on the corner when I walked around.
I was on the phone with William, and I turned, and I saw Noah like, and I was
like, God damn,
Noah's high as shit.
He was like, I'm not high as shit.
No, I'm not.
I was like, are you high right now?
I was like, a little.
Then Gardini pulled up, like a blast in White Snake.
Yep.
Flicked the cig out.
Flicked the cig.
What's up, ladies?
Gardini's so high test off camera.
What's up, guys?
You don't know that.
Off the camera, Gardini pulls up.
He's like, what's up, ladies?
Yeah.
Punches us all.
We're like, dude, Gardini, what the fuck, man?
You girls ready to do a podcast?
Ha, ha, ha.
Yeah, Gardini's a little fucking piece of shit.
Yeah, man, I truly, I've been getting, I've been starting to get very shaken up
at the
state of things.
The whole, first of all, the squad, the wheels are off.
The speed wobbles are fully, everyone, they're dropping like flies, dude.
Yeah.
What is happening to the squad?
I mean, we're getting old.
We're getting old.
We're also being filtered through, I've decided, an absolutely poisonous, just,
environment
in terms of, like, politically, socially.
Yeah.
We're fucked, dude.
We're so fucked.
Dude, it's like, even if you can be like, I don't care about politics, I don't
care about
this stuff, they have, they've captured so many dudes at, like, the base of
their skull
in the worst way, where, like, if Trump, if, like, he gets raided, there's
probably
two million dudes being, like, shutting their fucking phones down and be like,
motherfucking
mother pussies, and then they go out and fuck with people.
We can't escape it.
We're fucked.
They have, they have on both sides, they have dudes completely compromised into
just
being like, what the fuck's going on?
Yeah.
The sides have been fully comped, dude.
And that's, that's already, that's pushing out against everyone.
And you're trying to have, like, a normal day, and you encounter, it couldn't
even just
be that, but it's like, dude, we're fucking fried.
I got pissed.
I saw something the other day that, like, I don't even remember what it was.
I saw a lady dropping in a mail-in boat.
I got pissed.
I was like, fucking mail-in, Pat.
I didn't even know I was mad.
I didn't even know I was mad.
I was like, those things are a fucking piece of shit.
I got pissed off.
You knew where that vote was headed, bro.
You got a little annoyed.
You're like, fucking Joe Biden.
It's just permeated.
I think it's really permeated, because it's all like 10 degrees of separation,
where it's
like, that's closer to that motherfucker who fucking hates me, and they're all
on the
same fucking team, and they're in fucking cahoots against me.
You know what was nice to see was James.
James is still in my apartment, by the way.
The Australian.
What?
He's just moved in.
I thought he had to go.
No, he's just there.
There's two squatters in our apartment, dude.
There's a squatter.
There's too many squatters.
The squad's fully compromised.
True.
That's kind of the ultimate Australian move, though.
Just move in.
Take it over.
You've done right by me, mate.
Thank you.
Take it over.
But he had no...
They're big land hogs, dude.
They are land hogs.
They're big land hogs.
He thought he'd treat me like a fucking abbo.
You were there first, right?
You should say that.
I can say abbo for the pod.
Shut the fuck up, dude.
Sorry I lashed out.
Yep.
Delete the abboes.
It's bleep it.
Abboes.
But he fucking...
He got a taste of American commercials.
He had no...
He's like, yeah, there's a black guy in this.
What is this?
Really?
Every single commercial, he's like, oh, another black guy.
I was like, yeah, brother.
He didn't know.
This is it.
This is the...
Yeah, they don't do that.
I guess not, yeah.
As much.
Yeah, it's fucked up.
He's like, what's this?
An Asian woman driving a pickup truck in the city?
Oh, yes.
It makes sense.
I was like, dude, get ready.
Anything we have, it's headed your way, Australia.
Give it five more years.
True.
Yeah, man.
Well, that's nice.
But, yes.
So, what's his plan?
I thought he was about to go to California.
Actually, I think he left today.
No, I'm saying it.
I think he left this morning.
That must have been nice to have the Australian man.
It was nice to have the Australian man.
Kicking about.
Yeah, just dang.
True.
Having that nice guy.
It was nice having a guy in the house, also.
You know what I mean?
Sway the power dynamic.
I'm fucked right now, dude.
Why?
I'm outnumbered, bro.
Oh, the girls.
You're a girl dad.
Brother, you're outnumbered, brother.
Yeah, you're outnumbered.
What are you going to do?
You've got to even the odds a little.
I told her, I'm adopting like three 14-year-old boys in five years.
Yes.
Yes.
Power.
Complete power move.
Have you decided on a race?
Totally representative.
I might hit every category.
Get three Arab boys.
That would be sick.
And raise them.
That would be sick.
Yes.
I might get like one Arab, like an Afro-Latino.
A Sir Anthony.
Yeah, that's all right.
I'm going to get a Sir Anthony.
A Sir Anthony coming in.
And then, I don't know.
The last one would just be wild card.
I'll just, I'll just, I'll spin a thing.
Native.
See if you can score a native.
That'd be powerful.
See if you can score a native.
I might be able to.
Those are tough.
Yeah, I would assume that.
They're tough to come by.
Pardon me for my telephone being on.
It's okay.
Yeah, that'll be, that'll be tough.
I don't know.
How do you go about that?
I mean, can you hit the agency with a racial preference?
Like a hard one.
Be like, bro, I don't care if it takes 10 years.
But like, if you have a Native American trout, I'd like, I'd like first dibs.
I would like, yes.
First dibs.
You'd go to Carlisle, go to the Indian school.
That's where they used to get them.
Really?
Down in Carlisle, PA.
They used to snatch them.
And say, we're going to teach you guys.
I told you who.
Old Jimmy Thorpe came out of there fucking running the pigskin, sprinting,
jumping.
I heard you, I told you who was like infamous for this.
I mean, it could be urban legend, but apparently Amish people snag kids.
What?
Yeah.
Amish people, like they, they like, they'll go around like white trash towns
and look
for like a drunk, fucked up parent.
And like, they'll just like snag the kid when he's really young.
That's got to be a spooky urban legend.
Well, I don't know.
That's what the drunk parents tell their kids, be like, look, if I get fucked
up again, the
Amish might get you.
I've heard, I've heard that.
I've heard like the Amish kidnapping is a real thing and they do it to kind of
throw fresh
blood into the pool.
Yeah.
Because they're fucking each other.
Yeah.
I can't help it, bro.
They all look so goddamn good.
They all look so goddamn good.
Look, I believe it.
If you're out there, fucking you're in overalls building a fucking barn every
day.
How many barns do these fuckers need, dude?
They, they ship them.
They build like modular homes.
Oh yeah, they do.
Holy shit.
They get paid, dude.
They do.
And then some of them go rumspringer, like grow fields of weed.
It's like, those dudes are wild.
Yeah.
I mean, I,