Name: Ep 418 - Street Jokin'
Uploaded: 2022-11-16T22:55:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 418 - Street Jokin'' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 418 - Street Jokin'' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-16. Transcript available.

Ep 418 - Street Jokin'

the wild wild west oh man guardian is smacking with authority this week stomach
going brazy
your belly my belly's a little questionable what happened my belly's shot i
think there was cheese
in those eggs there was cheese in those i tasted i liked it but my woman
prepared us eggs and bacon
they're delicious but my belly that ate my girlfriend's breakfast dude i was
like i don't
want this if it's yours don't get me started bro i can't believe you did that
hey man i'm not gonna
be rude i was i was put between a rock and a hard place i was offered food but
there was cheese and
now i'm saying you know i don't eat dairy so we might have we might both fall
ill during this podcast
we might we might both ourselves especially i broke my ankle dude i know dude
what the hell
ow ow it was after the extremely long late night i got out of the uber and sprained
my ankle
oh it was a final like 7 30 or 8 in the morning oh it was so bad dude and then
my woman spaz she was like i'm getting chris what oh you could barely walk from
your ankle no i got
up the steps when i was in bed and she was like i'm getting chris i was like
what are you talking about
it's like she was hammered so she was like chris needs to take a look at this
he was doing it's like
we needed to call the doctor you're gonna go doctor we woke up the doctor and
like take a look at this
and he came up and i was like he came up and looked at it and he was like dude
are you like i'm fine i'm
just joking around but for real i did sprain my ankle and it hurts but yeah it's
big it's swollen it's
huge did you really did you roll it oh my god dude it's so huge dude did you
roll how are you gonna you
can't go work out today anyway matt i gotta pump on it i haven't worked down so
long do a wheelchair
workout i'm just gonna yeah i'll just do arms get a wheelchair i got a
wheelchair sure i mean you could
you qualify for one if you flew it wouldn't be crazy to get a wheelchair no it
would not you could get
a wheelchair right now if you fly and you go to the front of the line ever
perhaps i will i have to fly
thursday get a wheel they can't ask what's today tuesday oh thank god i thought
it was wednesday
yeah it stinks like damn i gotta fly tomorrow yeah right today's tuesday tuesday
oh you got a whole other
nice treat i get to lay down for another 48 hours that'll be nice yes it will
the rest is necessary
i left my debit card and credit card at a bar on saturday so i have to go into
the city to get it
you're how the did that happen your debit and credit it ended at the end of the
night ended
viciously did you gambit where they're like we like to start a tab i don't know
what happened how
i get i called and i was like did i leave a card there and they were like two i
was like jesus christ
he left your identity every time they say do you want to start a tab i say no
because i will forget
i'll leave my credit card i'm usually pretty good at it but i have a credit
card that just is in
florida somewhere i don't know where it is i still use that credit card it
exists it's only like the
beach in florida if anyone finds it yeah have a ball but yeah it's it's at the
beach in florida
somewhere and britney's like you have to close it down it's like i can't yeah i
don't want to be
typing yeah because then it's like i have to remember my like apple password to
do it's like
dude no way what's done is done there's if i'm i'm done if i have to reach
there's like three passwords
if i have to reset it's i'll never do it yeah i'll fall into ruin that's what i
said with this i thought
it was my one debit card and i have another one i was gonna call the bar and
just be like can you
throw that out just rip it in half i have another one because i'm not coming
into the city just to
get two cards at a sad bar see can you send an uber to do that like yo call an
uber when he comes to
pick you up be like you'd grant theft auto mission be like bro i think you can
see i think there's a
job like you can do that grab it task grab it yeah that's not bad that's not
bad it'll cost
so much money because uber there and back i know that'll be a hundred a hundred
dollars i've always
wanted to do that with ubers like if i want to send something to my boy just be
like yo here's an
envelope it's for my boy just drop this off this house and let him send letters
i was going to send
ounces of weed like that to people a long time ago don't open this it has to go
to my friend yeah
don't get pulled over yeah if you get pulled over it's not my it's on yours
yeah it's on you i thought
about that for a while my ankle send an ounce of weed to your boy in uber is
nice yeah yes yes yes
good stuff this weekend huh dude that was fun unbelievable that was awesome
thanks to guys thanks
to everybody that came out to town hall that was a magical two nights felt
really nice that was something
else yeah i was telling you and when you have uh the attention of 1500 people
it feels it's pretty
pretty scary it's very nice yeah yeah when they get quiet and you're like oh
they're all listening
and you're like that was a good point i just made yeah i guess i am kind of a
genius
now that i think about it second show i thought was going to be my demise dude
second show was great
it was fun it was great right both of us thought we didn't do as well it's just
because we weren't
as nervous i think so friday i was nervous saturday i hit a point where i was
like i literally thought
i had an internal model my internal monologue was against me on saturday friday
was with me for some
reason my internal monologue turned against me it is in the mid dead middle i
there was a joke i just
didn't do that i usually do i skipped it and then my mind went into like
something's wrong i'm missing
something and i just instantly went into different stuff and my brain i paused
being like where do i go
from here my brain goes dude what if you totally just melt it down right now
and had to be like
taken off the state and i had to be like no shut up dude yeah not in front of
all these people skipping
a bit skipping a bit sucks i've done it i've skipped a bit and then been like i
can still do it and then
you realize it like requires a tag from just a second ago this happened to me
when the first time i
all did when i auditioned to like host at helium years ago eons ago i did this
where i told half of
joke didn't tell the punch line told another joke and then went back and try to
like force the punch
line from a joke and a half ago on the crowd and then went uh for like 30
seconds and then it was
like and it went into my i thought that was going to happen in front of all
those people i did it with
i used to do it with god damn too deep in the pussy and jackie robinson i would
forget to tell
too deep in the pussy and then just randomly at the end of the jackie robinson
you don't want to go too
deep in the pussy i did that and then sometimes you do it and you really don't
even know you didn't
set it up so you're like oh okay what's your guy's problem that joke usually
kills you guys suck i
started out that way because usually i say i'm both tired and horny as a parent
i didn't say
that i was like i don't know after the show i'm going to collapse into a puddle
of cum
and everyone looked i had 1500 people be like why did you just say that i was
like oh i didn't say
the first part dude fuck shit i'm sorry shane no it made me when you were on i
was i was back there
with butterly and i was like it's great dude it's great just seeing matt in
front of a theater
it's just espousing insane statements
the worst part you're like you want to come to new york and i was like yeah i'll
do a show there
what's it called you told me the place i went i googled it went oh boy yeah
that seems like a large
place it was a big one it's nice to see i was like oh that's uh shane why are
the seats red in
there is that that's not a good sign is that a theater why is there a chandelier
where we're
performing do you think they'll like my travel buddies i will say though the
green room before
shows i i get very stressed yeah when there's that many people well friday
there's nobody there yeah
that was nice chill zone but then saturday all the bros all the the the jays
yeah the jays
assembles intimidating dude having 20 jewish people yeah 20 jewish people in
your green room just like
you're so great they're friendly friendly bunch unbelievable you're a genius
yes i mean they're
like walking talismans of success so you have to look at them and be like don't
be weird don't be
weird and they're all very they're sharp dressed yeah cool they're laid back
too yeah they're laid back
they're in the cut i i mean i'm i think they should wear tuxedos it should be
like their trash
man suit like a instead of like a one piece jumper they should wear tuxedos
like come here yes and my agent now he cut his hair he looks like a 12 year old
he did look young
he's a young boy he did it was pretty hot actually how he looks yeah i like the
way he looks yeah he's
small i'd like to get my paws on him i want to cheat on him i want to cheat on
my wife get him
yeah it was it was a how much of a mess would your life become if you had sex
with your agent if i
fucked my agent it had to have happened in showbiz certainly there's a dude
just
fucking his mail he happens to child stars oh yeah non-stop true true i think
if i if i got so
inebriated that i fucked my agent yeah that would be that is a blood pack that
would be rehab
or are they gone for a month truly the top that's a blood pack now now you have
a skull and bones
arrangement arrangement where it's like dude dude yeah get me in the next war
movie or i'm telling
everybody i thought i should be in a war movie get me next to the booth dude
true or i'll tell everyone
or i'm gonna you in the ass again like i did after the town hall show
when i said come here we need to talk business i grabbed you and ripped your
pants off
yeah it was good everything was good it was truly a blast pretty neat it was a
nice time and then
matt and i went to the snl after party
it is it's nice that's the last part was nice yeah that was uh i was curious
dude i was curious
to see what it looks like dude it's a dungeon it was like wet yeah it's always
dark it's always like
there's always like it's not lighting it's always like red lighting or like
well the entrance is
guarded by ladies who are being friendly mean who are like oh yeah okay can i
see your name like
your name's not on here that's where and i'm like just give me a second i'll
call my friend
and i had to stand there also i wasn't on the list so i i walked out like yeah
he's with me they're
like what who is that guy who the fuck was that they're friendly mean dude they
guard those places
being like oh that's so weird all you have to do is have here you again supreme
confidence you just
come out and go he's with me and then you turn around and walk back in yeah and
they're like i
don't want to offend whoever that was dude literally it was he seemed confident
they went like
oh my god i'm sorry i was like oh that was somebody important okay yeah there's
so many
important people here i don't want to offend one it's the only thing you do is
you have to guard
the place like i'm sorry like who's in there just give it could you wait out
here i was like i'll
wait hold tight for a second i'm gonna be yeah true yeah they don't they don't
know i could be yes
i could be like a like a grizzled child star they just have one time kanye came
to the stand and he
showed up by himself and i think it was joe i forget which one it was there was
a manager at the
stand that was like no they couldn't he he walked by himself at like 2 a.m to
an after party and he was
wearing like a hood he was wearing a kanye outfit he literally did he do the
sock thing
he was wearing like a mask because i think it was during coven and he like he
looked he looked like
a homeless guy yeah and they're like no absolutely not and then he like took
his h