Name: Ep 421 - Birthday Party (feat. Tim Butterly & Mike Rainey)
Uploaded: 2022-12-08T12:00:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 421 - Birthday Party (feat. Tim Butterly & Mike Rainey)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 421 - Birthday Party (feat. Tim Butterly & Mike Rainey)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-08. Transcript available.

Ep 421 - Birthday Party (feat. Tim Butterly & Mike Rainey)

Wow, wow, Wes.
Let's go.
Another trip around the sun.
Yes.
Another trip around the sun.
How did you feel about this year for yourself?
I had a good year.
I thought about killing myself over the summer.
Yeah, which method?
I didn't decide on that, but I was in the middle of the field at the end of our
street screaming,
my fucking brain is broken while there were people there, but Jamie talked me
off the ledge.
But other than that, a pretty good year.
She talked me off the second base.
Other than that one pretty tragic experience.
We're doing pretty good now, though.
Yes, Mike Rainey, happy birthday.
Happy birthday, bro.
Wish for something special.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday, dear Green Tree.
Happy birthday to you.
Do not cry right now.
Happy birthday.
Okay, I'm going to blow him out.
Okay, it's my podcast.
I'm going to blow him out.
Yes.
Yay.
Happy birthday.
Wow.
What a start.
Happy birthday.
Do you think, why do they make the room dark?
Do you think that's to symbolize the womb?
Oh, smoke arm.
Dang it.
Noah, smoke that.
Noah, blaze that shit.
Noah, put a wet towel under the door.
Do you think that's to symbolize the uterine darkness?
Turning the lights off?
Yeah, you think that's to symbolize being in the womb?
What's the candle then?
Oh, that would be nice.
The birth canal, the light?
Yeah.
The light of the end of your mother's light tube above.
I was going to talk about how funny it is when other little kids cry when they
can't blow it out.
Yeah.
The way you were like, it's my podcast.
I'm going to blow it out.
You're going to hold it back.
It's every time.
When they open presents, the other, dude, when you see them open presents, it's
so funny.
When they're like four years old, they'll be like, what's he have?
The cousins come over and they start taking the box, like you have to give it
back and scream cry.
I was in that phase for a very long time, like late, like I'd be like, I'm done
opening my Christmas presents.
Like, what's up?
They got more than me.
Why did they get more?
When you were at these parties, would you be dressed like a Puerto Rican Power
Ranger there?
Dude, this is the Nocta collection from Drake and Nike.
You could never even dream of this.
These shoes cost more than your life.
I did get drunk in order to Drake tracksuit on the internet.
I regret it.
I'll never wear it publicly.
No, you have to.
This is the only time I'll wear it.
I'm telling you, you have to be down there chilling.
Anytime you're outside, just go, yeah, I'll order the Nocta.
I'm part of the Nocta.
Also, a baklava is what completes it.
I would need that.
I'd be the sickest shit possible.
Food?
No, the mask.
He just said that.
Fuck.
No, I said it wrong.
I said it wrong.
I thought you said you look like a Greek guy.
No, balaclava.
What's the balaclava?
I said baklava.
What's the balaclava?
It's like the hooded mask.
Yeah, true, true.
Yeah, that'd be pretty cool.
I just noticed the gold swoosh on the front caught my eye.
I mean, it's gleaming.
This is a royal outfit.
Yeah, that's what you want to be buried in.
That's the color purple of our time.
This was very important to me.
I'm glad you guys are giving it attention.
It's nice.
Because it meant a lot to me.
Bro, we're freeze-framing this for when we have you taxidermied at a poker
table like a Dominican guy.
You need to fully lean into it and you don't just bust out, dude.
What do you mean?
Completely break out and just rock your tracksuit everywhere.
It's a sick track suit.
Wear baklavas on my head all the time.
Yeah, wear baklavas, dude.
Start wearing a white one.
That's going to suck.
They're going to have to eventually tell people you can't wear ski masks and it's
going to be hilarious.
The white mask?
Yeah.
What's the white mask?
Yeah.
We have trouble with that.
Secret little meetings.
When we get around sales stuff, you're not supposed to say.
What do you got on underneath that?
Sheath underwear.
Nice.
And a t-shirt under this.
A Nate Diaz t-shirt.
Those are my other outfits.
Oh, thank you.
More free stuff.
I owe you a thank you because at SkankFest, you introduced Nate Diaz to my wife.
Yes.
And I had to hold her back like a fucking rabid pit bull.
Yeah, that was right before chaos ensued.
Oh, Naked Men came.
It was the naked roast and Nate Diaz did not like it.
And he and his friends thought I was even gayer than they already do.
Hey guys, come hang out.
And all of a sudden there's naked dudes.
I didn't know they're going to be here, dude.
There was a guy on the naked roast.
His name is Harrison Dye.
Yeah.
He was very excited to meet all the bros.
And so he does the naked roast.
And they make you walk off stage and all the way back to the green room naked.
And so he's like, he goes out.
Everyone bombs.
So he goes out, bombs naked.
I'm saying this a nice way.
He looked like when Chris Farley drove the bus in Billy Madison.
And they marched him back through the crowd all the way back to the green room.
And he said, I got back to the green room and I opened the door.
And the first two people I see are Shane and Nate Diaz.
And he said, Nate looks at Shane and just goes, yeah, let's go somewhere else.
Yeah, it was bad.
I mean, that's a nice way of him, how he said it.
And he's like, yeah, let's get the...
Oh, I don't do that impression anymore.
He's like, yo, let's get the fuck out of here.
This is gay.
And I was like, dude, it's not that gay.
It's kind of funny.
Look at this penis.
I talked to Harrison after that.
And he said he was like, he physically repelled Nate Diaz away from the whole
scene.
He said he came out and the guy went, oh, man, come on.
Nate and his squad got up in formation.
Almost no words exchanged.
The second a naked dude walked in, they were all like.
And they hit the exit.
Oh, you don't want to be the last dude.
They don't fuck with a dick.
It's just one of them stopped, dropped, and rolled.
He got hit with it.
Yeah, I think I was the opposite.
You're patting him down.
Yeah, I was like a 9-11 firefighter going toward the meat.
You're going into the place.
Man, so it's good to have you guys here.
Yeah, thank you for having us.
Dad meat.
Thanks for having us.
Man, it smells great in here, man.
Thank you.
My girlfriend does a good job of cleaning it.
This is really nice.
We're not for her.
This place would be insane looking.
This is top tier girlfriending.
This is apartment.
This is lovely.
Yeah, this is quite a place to cap set up.
Yeah, that's her spot.
I dominate that corner.
You can literally, if you get up and look at the cushions, you can see where I
fucking dominate.
It's wild.
It kind of settled right into it.
It's pretty fucking sad.
You're sitting in the dinosaur footprint right now.
Dude, I try my best to sit on that one occasionally.
It doesn't do it for me.
It doesn't do it for me.
I'm an L guy myself.
Yeah.
L guy, feet up.
Oh, man.
It is a very feminine spot because it sticks your gut and bald.
It goes straight out.
It's so bad.
If I sit there, it's chaos, dude.
You might have to pixelate this.
Why?
It's your birthday.
It's your birthday, man.
It's your day.
For real.
It's your day.
Oh, thank you.
It's Baby Monkey's birthday.
Did you get any cool presents?
Did you get any cool presents this year?
No, I haven't gotten anything yet.
Damn.
This was very nice.
This was a nice surprise.
It's a $46 fucking cake.
Yeah.
I'm hoping to get a little P-U-S-S-Y.
Oh, for sure.
It's your day.
You can literally demand.
Yeah, it's the one day you can be a pussy brat.
Oh, yeah.
How would you say it if you were me?
Babe.
She's right there.
You can talk to her.
Say it to her.
Demand pussy from my wife, Matt.
Don't be nervous.
Oh, man.
I'm not being nervous.
I wouldn't even look at you because it doesn't matter.
I would just be sitting there going, man, that was the birthday.
Are you tired at all?
Am I tired at all?
Sure.
I'm actually kind of awake still.
That's crazy.
I kind of feel like I could go for some pussy right now.
I don't know.
I'm glad I didn't overdo it with the cake, man.
I feel like I got a lot of juice left in me.
I'm not stuffed, yeah.
Would you give me head?
I could use some head.
Or just a...
What if you went full, like, Valentine's Day?
Did you forget what today is?
Were you just not going to suck my meat?
I'll do one of these.
I just go, hey.
Oh, come on.
Okay.
Oh, grab the shoulder.
Wake up.
Come on.
I know you're tired.
It's my birthday.
Or the big thing is you get in bed and you lay there like this.
Fix it like that.
Don't show that.
Matt, stop, dude.
You're talking fully nude, though.
You're talking nude?
You're talking nude.
You go.
You know what today is?
I was born this day years ago, and now you can suck my penis.
You want to know a nice thing?
My birthday is Sunday.
Or next Sunday.
What day is today?
Tuesday.
No, I mean the date.
Sixth.
Oh, yes.
Yeah, it's coming up.
Five days from now.
Laundromat.
There's a dog.
There's these Hispanic women that work at the laundromat, and they have this,
like, a Mexican
shrine to this dog named Rocky.
It's this little white terrier that they love.
It sits on the clothes in the back and barks at you when you come in.
So fucking funny.
And they're like, Rocky, no.
Rocky.
Rocky.
And then I came in, and I was like, where's Rocky?
Because he wasn't in there, but the shrine was up.
And I was like, what's going on with Rocky?
I like to fire him up and talk about Rocky.
And she's like, it's Rocky's birthday this coming week.
I was like, when is it?
She was like, December 11th.
So I was like, that's my birthday.
She was like, no.
Santa Maria.
She was like, no fucking way.
So then I came back in yesterday.
And I mean, I don't mean to be racist.
They look very similar.
And they wear masks.
Yeah.
So I was like, hey, it's Rocky's birthday coming up.
And she was like, that's not me, but everybody knows it's also your birthday.
Like, it's news amongst the Mexican women that me and Rocky the dog have the
same birthday.
They're very excited about it.
You might be an honorary Latin pit bull.
I don't know why the story was dragging on, but isn't that funny?
No, that's one of those things that you will get so, that would have me charged
up all the way up.
The shrine is incredible.
It's a picture of the dog with like candles and shit.
Like those types of flowers around it.
Like the frames made out of like paper flowers and shit.
It's great.
Is it like a Dios de los Muertes almost thing?
Kind of, just to Rocky the dog.
But he's alive.
Yeah.
Fuck, that's awesome.
Imagine how pumped up.
You're a Mexican lady.
You're in the laundromat.
You see your Rocky shrine.
You're just like, fuck, that guy's the best.
He's the lifeblood of the business.
Yeah.
Definitely.
Rocky, no.
Rocky, no.
He barks the entire time.
You stand there and wait for your fucking bill.
It's just a dog barking in your face.
Is he friendly if you approach him?
No.
No, he's just, no.
He gets scared and runs.
He's a nasty little terrier.
What kind of terrier talking?
Jack Ross, rat terrier?
Do I have this?
This is a short-haired terrier behavior.
I don't know.
There was a driving range, a golf course and a driving range down the street
from me when
I lived in the hood.
And the driving range was actually back down this very dangerous road behind a
cemetery.
And you get down there and it's owned by, I think, a Korean guy who's got an
extremely
well-trained Shiba.
Isn't that a Westie?
Let me see.
Sorry to cut you off.
No, no, no.
We're talking dogs.
That's a curly-haired.
Oh.
It's one of these guys.
Oh, that's a sweet pup.
Oh, Westie.
That's a sweet pup.
Aren't they called Westies?
I think so, yeah.
Or Yorkies or something.
Yeah, that's what Rocky looks like, dude.
He's a man.
Damn.
And he yips at you.
It's like a Purina dog.
And you go, shut the fuck up, Rocky.
That's not a very Latin dog.
When the Mexican women don't look, I go, pinch fucking Rocky.
He flick his nuts.
Rocky doesn't look any.
Anyway, it's just an Asian guy sitting back there waiting for people to come
hit golf balls