Name: Ep 422 - The Professional (feat. Billy McCusker)
Uploaded: 2022-12-23T12:00:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 422 - The Professional (feat. Billy McCusker)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 422 - The Professional (feat. Billy McCusker)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-23. Transcript available.

Ep 422 - The Professional (feat. Billy McCusker)

The wild, wild west.
There's a dude, like one of those, whatever, the fucking guys in the turbans,
just staring at him like, what the fuck?
Highland appropriate.
Dang.
Yeah, World Cup was very exciting.
Yeah, I did.
I was catching snippets of it here and there.
Yeah, it was very exciting.
I thought France was going to win for some reason.
They, yeah, they were favored.
France versus the new, the neo, literally the neo-Nazis, Argentina.
The new Nazis.
A lot of escaped Nazis.
The French continue to lose to the Nazis at every turn, dude.
The Nazi state, Argentina.
All those white, blue-eyed Argentinians.
Those motherfuckers.
Vagabonds.
I watched a documentary on Maradona.
It was pretty good.
Yeah, he was amazing.
I fucking love that guy.
Who's Maradona?
Maradona, he's from Argentina.
He played over in Italy.
He's the hand of God.
He's just like, he's a beast.
Everything about him is just cool as fuck.
Yeah.
Nice.
I got into it.
I got sucked into a World Cup poll.
Like all my shit on Instagram, just like sick shit about soccer.
Really?
Bro.
I actually like it.
Watch out.
What?
I was in sick goal compilations for about a decade.
I finally got out, dude.
Seriously?
I would watch sick goals.
Every great goal, I can tell you.
I just love the chance.
The chance of fun.
It's so sad when you see the Americans try to do it, and they hit, like, I
believe that
we will win.
It's like, bro, it's fucking...
It's so embarrassing.
Let's just stick to football.
We're sector one.
We're sector one from the Hunger Games.
Obviously, we're a little funny.
Yeah.
We're the world capital.
True.
True.
If it wasn't for two brothers, dude, we wouldn't be where we are.
Oh, we're going to slide right into it.
We don't have to slide right in.
Well, I do hate American soccer chants.
Yeah.
It's embarrassing that we try to imitate Europe.
The kids who try to be, like, big soccer heads are fucking confusing.
American wannabe Europe heads might be the worst, I would say, type of dudes to
be around.
You used to be able to spot them, too.
Like, remember, like, when we grew up, like, we'd have, like, people from
Europe come over,
and we'd call them, like, the Wiggles and shit.
Yeah.
They would come over and dress weird as shit.
No, my dad would call them the Wiggles.
Oh, oh, oh.
They'd dress like the Wiggles.
You see, they both went to the bathroom together.
Yeah, but they were...
We had your...
We had your...
Yeah, we would just call them Harry Potters.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Harry Potters.
Yeah, it would just be like, this isn't fucking Hogwarts, pussy.
Damn.
Come back to Hogwarts, freak.
Yeah, you could see them.
They'd have, like, tight jeans on and, like, a weird shirt that looked like it
was somehow
from the 80s, but, like, still fancy, and you'd be like, no fucks, this guy's
probably
not.
He's from one of those fucked up countries.
Now swag's all mixed up.
Swag is mixed up.
I mean, this could be from anywhere.
This is from a yard in Chester.
It was out in the fucking yard.
I found it and watched it a few times down in Fitz.
Dude, speaking of Chester.
What?
What you know about that?
So, my uncle's into genealogy.
He got obsessed with it.
Turns out.
Every family has one.
Every family has one.
Alex Haley.
I've been bamboozled.
My family's not from fucking Ireland.
Like, I thought my grandma was from Ireland.
We've been here forever, dude.
Really?
A lot of us.
A lot of us have.
Really?
In Chester?
One of them came down to Chester.
We were all coal miners in Ireland.
And then came over to Carbondale, Pennsylvania, and were coal miners in the
coal region.
And then, my one uncle, they only found, my great-great-great-grandfather, they
found one news article about him.
And he was beat to death by a gypsy in Chester County.
Oh, Chester County.
Oh, okay.
A gypsy tricked him.
Really?
He told him he was a horse doctor, and he beat him to death.
What the fuck, dude?
That was my great-grandfather.
Will you avenge?
My last name, Dylan.
Will you avenge?
I knew I hated gypsies.
Yeah.
He got tricked by a horse doctor.
Chester County's not, like, the bad Chester, though.
Yeah, it's not city up.
It's not city up.
That's where, like, they have, like, horses and shit like that.
That's why he got tricked.
He literally got, like, tricked in the woods.
Yeah, but this was Chester County in what year was this?
That's the woods, bro.
Fucking, like, 1870.
Yeah, this was the woods, bro.
So he was just out there.
He literally got ran up on it.
He got killed in a gypsy camp in the woods.
By the Peaky Blinders?
The Peaky Blinders beat him to death out in the woods, dude.
My fucking poor great-great-great-grandfather.
What the fuck, dude?
What the hell?
I was furious.
He was on official horse business.
First of all, I was reading it, like, wait, why does my whole family, like,
talk about,
like, we're from Ireland?
We've been here since, like...
First of all, every Irish person does that.
It's so annoying, dude.
Yeah.
Wait, what did you get your 23andMe back?
I've told stories.
I've been like, yeah, my grandma spoke with an Irish accent.
I was like, no, she didn't.
She didn't?
I've been lying this whole time.
She didn't have an accent?
No, my grandma didn't, but I don't know what I thought I was saying.
That Notre Dame stuff gets people riled up to the point where they think they're
like,
I'm from Ireland.
I'm one person off the boat, Ireland.
I could have Irish citizenship.
I will say, I was told that.
Our mommies, daddy and mommy, are from Ireland.
Oh, you better make sure.
Oh, they are.
I couldn't understand my pop-up.
Oh, really?
At all.
We'd sit with him, and he'd be like, time goes so fast.
He had a fucked up hand.
He'd go, time goes so fast.
You wouldn't know what you're running.
I'd be like, mom, please fucking come get me.
This is terrifying.
He would send me in to get beers for him.
He also had no cap on underage drinking.
Ever since I was a little kid, he'd be like, do you want some beer?
Like, finally, I'd go over there in high school and be like, let's look more.
Yes.
Oh, that's exciting.
Yeah, he was a man.
He was a man like that.
Always would hook you up with a brewski.
Also, the real, the real, do you have any, like, growing up, like, ghost
stories?
Your family would tell?
No, not about the, what's it called?
What's the one?
The bag man?
The bag man?
That's universal, apparently.
Yeah, that's completely universal.
But every single one of them, like, all our great aunts and stuff, they all,
they worked
for, like, the DuPonts and shit, and they would have stories of, like, them
being
at the DuPont Estates and, like, ghosts coming at them.
Like, every single one of them goes to them.
Some of my family moved to Carbondale and set up a housekeeping business.
They're in Spring Garden.
Damn, bro.
Yeah, housekeepers.
Yeah.
I guess the Irish probably were all kind of doing the exact same shit.
Yeah.
Pretty sure our mom and aunts were at Fox Skechert Farms.
They were.
Yeah.
My one aunt, apparently the DuPonts, it was a big thing to keep sugar in, like,
a dish.
Or, no, salt in a dish.
They thought salt was in salt shakers, but, like, the extremely wealthy would
just keep
a bowl of salt on the table.
My aunt thought it was sugar.
So my aunt put a bunch of sugar in the DuPonts dining table.
They thought it was salt, and they were slathering in their soup.
And they were like, what the fuck?
I was like, I didn't know people kept fucking sugar or salt in a big-ass dish.
So I had that.
I had that going on.
Damn.
Did you take the 23 and me?
I had not.
It was on my table when I left.
It's back in New York.
I'll take it.
Oh, okay.
I'm excited.
I kind of don't want.
I don't think I would do it.
Why?
I want to see.
I'm just not.
Like, they're doing too much shit trying to fuck with your DNA.
Like, I probably have it by now, but I just don't want to.
Are they going to fucking clone me?
They could.
That'd be nasty, dude.
Everyone's cloned, bro.
Just a herd of me.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
It's like, what are you going to get?
Worst comes worst, you clone me, and I get to do the ultimate showdown with my
shadow self.
My government, Matt McCusker, I'll fight him to the death.
That'd be crazy, dude.
I want that.
I'm going to take it.
I took, actually, too.
23 and me and the other one.
You took 23 and me?
Yeah, took both.
Yeah, we've talked about this.
Yeah, yeah.
And you had zero Askenazi Jew.
No, I had zero.
But didn't he say your dad had, like, a percent?
He lied to one of our uncles.
He claims.
Dude, it's so weird, because it's like, if I have one percent Western Asian,
wanted a transfusion.
Well, my dad told me I was Jewish when I was in grade school.
We had to do a project for school, like, find out what we were.
And he told me I was Jewish to mess with me.
And then I went into school, and they're like, you're not Jewish, dude.
Yes, I am.
But he was being like, no, I was fucking around.
I was saying, like, I'm an Irish Jew.
I'm good with my money.
And I was trying to go to school.
It was the 90s, dude.
And it was a compliment.
No, I know.
It's just funny.
A kid hears that and is like, Jewish.
Perfect.
The report tomorrow.
I was dead serious.
I was excited.
He said, what are we?
I'm an Irish Jew, son.
My dad always, he always goes, I'm not fucking Irish.
Like, crap.
He always, he holds it down where he goes, those fucking idiots.
He's like, I'm not fucking Irish.
I'm English, and I'm Jewish.
I don't know why.
Yeah, he's like a white Israelite.
That's fucking sick, dude.
I'm actually a true Jew.
I'm English.
I know.
No, you're Irish.
Fuck.
Yeah, he's been holding it down.
But no, the, yeah, I looked into it.
I have 1% Western Asian in me, which I'm pretty pumped on.
Makes sense.
Western Asian, bro.
I got fucked up eyes like that.
Dude, like Western Asians?
No, Western Asia is like Russia.
They got, you ever see like, some dudes in the mouth?
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They kind of got small eyes.
You guys are cockers.
Yeah.
OG.
All that weird.
Tartaria.
Yeah.
Think about it.
Open your eyes as wise as you can.
Hold on.
Yeah.
You do look like someone who should be in like a rocky or something, like some
like desert
nation with like your face.
Yeah.
You look like a freak.
Thank you.
Chechnyan.
That's a nice thing to say before Christmas.
It's Christmas time.
What's your, what's your favorite Christmas song?
It's the holiday season.
That's it.
Mine is, I like rocking around the Christmas.
That's a good one.
Yep.
What do you guys think of that?
Like that one.
I like the one that goes, make your Yuletide gay as fuck.
No, joy to the world.
What am I talking about?
Oh, dude.
Can I tell you a story about Christmas carols?
Yes.
I'd love it.
So we did a thing.
Brittany signed us up.
It was called swimming with Santa.
So we went, it was just us.
We had our kids with us and we were all in this pool in South Philly and we're
swimming around.
It was awesome, dude.
And this lady was just leading the charge, making everyone sing Christmas carols
while we're
on the pool.
Dude, I honestly want to start an aqua course.
What month was this?
This was like fucking last week.
Damn, you were swimming and singing?
I was swimming and singing Christmas carols, dude.
I've never done that in my life, dude.
That must be so fun.
No, it was so awesome, dude.
You had to float and sing.
You had to splash around and sing Christmas carols.
It was the funnest shit ever.
It was awesome.
What were you singing?
I think we did a, no, it wasn't Joy to the World.
It was, oh my God.
The one was like a silent night.
That was like, I was watching the whole pool sing silent night.
That vibe.
Very, yo, and it was very.
That'd be a fucking movie.
Dude, we're singing about the, that has very Catholic lyrics, dude.
So we're singing like intensely Christian lyrics and there was like definitely
like
Hindus next to us and stuff and I'm sitting there just being like, welcome,
boys.
Yeah, enjoy it.
Welcome, boys.
Enjoy it.
Yeah, this is pretty tight.
Welcome to the sickest religion.
Dude, it was funny watchi