Name: Ep 423 - Young Slime League
Uploaded: 2022-12-28T18:32:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 423 - Young Slime League' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 423 - Young Slime League' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-28. Transcript available.

Ep 423 - Young Slime League

Wow, wow, Wes.
It's like it doesn't matter.
Jesus Christ, dude.
Let me gather my thoughts.
Let him start figuring it out.
Don't just hit go.
God.
We're talking about cool headshots.
Microphone suicide is the new headshot.
For sure.
Oh, yeah, for sure.
I like the kind of like.
Like that fucking guy in Vietnam.
That'd be fun, right?
That'd be a fun picture.
Reenacting Bud Dwyer would be kind of tight.
If it was you going.
Yeah, that's an unfortunate aspect.
But it needs to be done.
I don't know if it does.
That's the thing.
Uploading.
I'm done with bios.
I'm done with headshots.
Yeah, it's ridiculous.
You can do iPhone portrait mode.
That's like a professional photographer.
I hate to break it to photographers, but you've been automated.
Your days are numbered photographers of preying on whores.
Yeah, I mean, they'll still get them.
They probably want the flash in the setting.
But, dude, do you ever see portrait mode on an iPhone?
Yes.
It's ridiculous how good it is.
It's very nice.
My headshots are portrait mode.
In my house.
Yours is great.
Portrait mode outside.
On the deck.
Just chilling.
Yours is nice.
Mine is nice.
I kind of hate it.
You see it.
If you see it for a while ago, I'm such a dumbass.
People probably think this is serious.
That's the thing.
I'd love to do the caution tape across the mouth.
Dude, you would freak out in like two days.
I would post it and be like, actually delete it.
We need to know it.
Because some places would use it as billboards.
There's going to be billboards this year.
Yeah.
Fuck.
Do a full body.
It makes it funnier.
Do a full body.
Full body.
Why would that be funny if I did that, Matt?
Because it's always everyone's head.
If you had a picture of just you outside by yourself, that'd be tight.
I'm talking billboards.
You need full body.
So you're fucking using your squad.
I might get a very small one.
I want a big billboard?
Yeah.
Or a really small headshot?
Very small, full body picture.
Yeah.
Like I'm in the distance.
That'd be kind of nice.
It'd be nice for a billboard.
It'd be very Asian.
Just a speck of a man in the distance.
Very Asian.
A lot of the Zen art, there's the nature.
And then they show people as very small and significant things.
So it kind of would be next level if you did that.
Like, guys, I'm going Zen this year.
I am Zen.
Yeah, fuck it.
You're a pretty Zen dude.
You're a pretty Zen dude.
I actually, you know what?
Honestly, Matt, I really am.
I know.
It's for real.
When bad things happen, I go, that sucks.
Oh, well.
We'll see.
Exactly.
We'll see what happens now.
We'll see.
I don't know.
People are like, are you happy right now?
Things are good.
I'm like, we'll see.
We'll see what's up.
Could be some negative stuff.
Could be.
Inevitably, there will be negative stuff.
Yeah, I mean, I think it's like,
it all depends.
I always wonder about that.
How do you, you know,
how do you not, like, grip the rails of a hospital deathbed
just completely confused and bewildered?
Like, I think there's a way to not do that.
I'm just, I don't know.
Did you, like, not die totally confused and miserable
and scared and terrified and all that stuff?
Yeah, you fucking die early.
You think so?
Yeah.
I don't know.
Is that a myth of, like, when, like, you see, like, Avatar
and the old dude finally dies and he's like,
go, it's your time.
Yeah, that's a myth.
It's your time.
If you shut down like that,
go, it's your time.
You're not talking.
Go.
You're going.
What?
Where are we?
No, you need to have a heart attack.
Heart attack at a kid's party.
Yeah.
It's over.
True.
Your wife goes, get, you need to get the cake.
You go, fucking bitch.
And then you try to light it.
Your hand's shaking.
Yeah.
And then you carry it out and the kids are singing.
And you don't tell anyone anything's wrong.
Don't tell anyone.
You're just walking weird and someone's like,
what the fuck's wrong with him?
It's collapsed.
And you fall onto the cake.
Kids scream.
They flip you over.
You got a smile on your face.
You're done.
You're out.
Yeah, true.
You're out.
Shut up, bitch.
That's how you win an argument as a man.
Your wife nags you into a fucking early grave.
You just go, shut the fuck up.
And then when you die, she finds out you owe,
yeah, you owe like hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Credit card debt.
And then you had a girlfriend.
Your last words are just, good luck, bitch.
That would be funny.
You could go out like that black dude getting tased.
You go, I'm going to get you, bitch.
That's the best way.
It's a classic video.
Where were you, was he in security?
Crackhead, shirtless, fat black dude getting tased by the cops.
Oh, I didn't see that.
And he gets tased and he just looks at the girl and goes,
I'm going to get you, bitch.
Then he allows them to take him away.
Then he gets fucked up.
They're tasing him while he does it.
Damn.
He just powers through it to just be like,
I'm going to kill you when I get out of here.
Fuck.
It's pretty great.
Damn, that's awesome.
Yes, that's the equivalent of a heart attack at a kid's party.
Fake coma would be nice.
I'm going to get you.
Fake coma would be sick.
Fake coma?
Go into the hospital and just go, and just blink.
He's like, but just be the whole time, but he's out.
He's definitely out.
They can't prove you're not in a coma.
Yeah, then you hear the nasty things people would say about you while you're in
your bed.
Perfect, dude.
You storm all up.
As soon as you get enough.
He's sitting there like.
Your wife's boyfriend's there with your kids.
They're like, we like you so much more.
It's only a matter of time.
Gosh, you don't want a fucking fake coma right now, right?
Just a break for like five days, dude.
How do you think you're going?
Heart, right?
I don't know.
I used to think that, but I think the heart's strong.
I don't know.
I don't want to jinx myself.
Percentage-wise, it's heart.
I'm thinking like brain fucking stroke or something.
Oh, yeah, brain.
You're more brain.
Yeah, I'm more of a brain guy.
I thought I was a heart guy.
I think I'm more of a faulty brain guy.
I think.
I don't know.
I got both versions.
You're the scarecrow.
I'm the cowardly lion.
I got both versions in the family, so I don't know.
Although a big dementia, I could go the dementia route.
I could live to 80 and just completely forget my whole family.
And then just fucking like fist fight a Jamaican lady and die.
Yeah.
If that is like that time we did Drooms where I was like,
I don't know where I am or what is happening or where,
like if it's that level of fear, having dementia would suck.
Yeah, that would stink.
If you're just going through like, where the fuck am I?
This is a new house.
This is fun.
Yes.
It's not like 50 First Dates.
No, I think it's like.
I think you're like, wait, where am I?
He's cute.
I like him.
Adam Sandler keeps getting more charming every day.
It turns out we actually live together.
He knows everything about it.
He keeps fucking me every day.
That's when a girl's top.
See, it's Jesus.
Is like forgetting someone completely and like through some weird magic of love,
just being like, wait.
Yeah.
It's all coming together.
Oh my gosh.
The necklace.
Yes.
Ours, our fantasies are ours is me and six of my guys drive fast cars together
and we pull
out a heist.
For sure.
That's guy stuff.
Yeah.
I will say at least Fast and Furious, a decent amount of men are like, that's
for real.
That's retarded.
You put on the notebook or one of these movies of like dementia and love, every
single woman.
He's like, well, it's actually a good movie.
They love it.
They absolutely love that movie.
I love breaking it down to them why that's not true.
Yeah.
That'll never happen.
And that guy's actually a fool.
That's your heist.
Which one?
You're Fast and Furious.
You get in a warehouse.
You figure it out.
You go, I'm going to ruin the notebook.
Oh, for sure.
I'm going to ruin the notebook for these women.
I'm building a bomb.
I'm building a bomb, dude.
I'm sitting here like this.
You're off an armor.
This is the pyromaniac.
You've become death.
I always, I'm like, dude, this guy's, this is, this is, it's porn for them.
This is emotional pornography.
Why would that guy, she was married to another man.
No one's ever going to sit there and build you a fucking house while you're
married to
some other dude.
That was crazy.
To see, I'm not going to talk about that again, but that shit.
I'd like to hear you talk about it.
That movie pissed me off, dude.
It should piss you off.
Oh, yeah.
I was waiting.
I'm just building this house, waiting for you.
I put my whole life on hold.
I knew.
Yeah.
It's a, it's a terrifying glimpse into female psychology.
Wasn't, weren't they in the war?
Wasn't there in World War II?
Using men like pawns, huh?
Wasn't World War II, the notebook?
Yeah.
Wasn't Ryan Gosling like a Nazi or something and he came back?
He was a Nazi and he built an all-white house for the girl.
Meanwhile, wasn't the other guy like a burn victim war hero or something?
Was he really?
I don't know.
He wasn't a Nazi.
No, he wasn't a Nazi.
Gosling was a Nazi, but the other guy was an American war hero.
In the notebook?
No, look it up.
Yeah.
What, see what Ryan Gosling fought for?
He definitely nails-
What side of the World War II was Ryan Gosling on?
There's no way he was a Nazi, dude.
You'll see.
I can't believe this.
Guarantee it.
That would be so nice if that was the case.
It's like, he was so nice.
He was fucking, he was sitting there building that house.
Keeping it a secret.
Yeah, so you really don't want you to know.
What?
I mean, dude, to be fair, how much more that turned-
Come on, Noah.
Use your head on this.
These guys are crazy, bro.
Just say he was a Nazi.
Obviously, he was not a fucking Nazi.
He was a Nazi.
Say he was a Nazi.
He was a damn dirty Nazi.
No, he was not.
Do me a favor and play along next time.
Cut this out.
Next time I tell you to look up a fact.
True.
Yeah, can we just get a blanket policy?
If we say something, just be like, yeah, guys, I found it.
It's online.
What you guys said was right.
Yeah.
Just do that every time.
Okay.
Totally right.
You're so right.
He was an awful Nazi.
Ryan Gosling was a National Socialist from Germany.
He played Goebbels.
Was he Goebbels in The Notebook?
Yeah.
And he psyopsed the woman.
He used propaganda every day.
So the movie is the woman has dementia.
She has like a rich-
Yeah.
She forgets the guy.
Some guy literally-
And the guy has a notebook.
Bangs her brains out, dude.
Yeah, he knocks her loose.
Oh, and bumps into a door.
He's like, get in here.
Some weirdo in the woods just eats her butt until she remembers.
Got some built a house and eats her butt.
Until she remembers.
Then she goes, huh?
I remember this.
What happened to the first guy?
Why'd she leave him?
Did he love her still?
He probably died.
It's a girl fantasy.
He died and left her a bunch of money.
Then she sucked some guy's dick that was bigger and had carpentry skills.
And she was like, this works, too.
She got the best of both worlds.
She got security from the guy.
And then she got the passion from the weird, troubled loner.
Yeah, that is a common trope in these movies.
That the weird, troubled loner is hot and looking for love.
Yeah.
And is passionate.
He's definitely not just researching Holocaust statistics online all day.
Yeah, the weird loner is not that guy.
No.
Well, there's like, well, they're like.
He's getting, he's checking into Mandalay Bay.
He's getting a room.
Yeah, they are.
They're, the fantasy is that like he's sitting there like reading like beat
poetry and eating
an apple and being like, I mean, if I could just only find the one, I'm only
thinking about
that one girl taking my mind off her by building this house.
I don't know what I'm going to do with it.
Oh, he's kind of just spot.
He's the notebook.
He is the notebook.
He's building a nest.
He's going to tear some lady up, dude.
He's going to knock a lady's head off.
He's going to bring her to the morgue.
He's going to, he's going to fuck a lady so hard she end