Name: Ep 426 - Blessed
Uploaded: 2023-01-18T18:52:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 426 - Blessed' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 426 - Blessed' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-18. Transcript available.

Ep 426 - Blessed

Wow, wow, Wes.
I just have dirty water.
I just have a glass of disgusting water.
I thought you had some lemon water.
No, no, no.
That's just my some coffee I poured in there.
I like to drink dirty water.
I do that.
I'll take my coffee mug from the morning and just hit it.
It's like get a little something.
I want the ice for my water.
Yeah, that's a good move.
And you get the coffee taste.
You get to continue the coffee kick kind of.
And it was also I was chewing tobacco, and I don't like to dip.
For some reason, if the spitter has anything in it, I don't like it.
Anyway.
That makes sense.
Welcome to the podcast, guys.
This is basically a fucking victory lap episode.
Yeah, dude.
What a dramatic weekend.
What a victory.
It's crazy.
Dude, I mean, again, it's just, you know, sitting there.
What was it, Thursday night?
Yeah.
Get the call Thursday night, dude.
No idea.
Yeah.
I'm rocking my youngest, and all of a sudden I go.
It's time.
I said, Matt, get on a plane.
Get on the plane as fast as you can.
So I couldn't sleep, obviously.
I couldn't sleep.
Yeah, dude.
You knew you were the Joe Rogan experience.
Dude.
All hair was a drum.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
I was like, fuck, dude.
And I was, like, excited.
Then I went.
It was, like, 30 seconds of excitement.
And then, like, four hours of, like, you're going to fuck this up, you dumb
fucking idiot.
Dude, I spent the night before it.
I forgot Ari was there.
Ari came to Tim Jones.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I literally spent the night before I did Rogan the first time, like, in a pool,
like, floating,
just, like, this is weird.
Like, I was, like, this just feels weird, dude, you know?
You know what I mean?
And Ari's such a nice guy.
He's, like, yeah, yeah.
I was, like, dude, I feel like I'm going to fuck it.
Like, this is just weird, dude.
That was all I could do.
I was, like, I don't like it.
There were, I, I, yeah, I could, there's definitely a feeling that's unlikable
of the whole thing.
It's just, like, this is, yeah, I'm good.
I had the same thing when I got SNL.
Yeah.
I was, like, I don't, this is weird.
It's just too much.
This is, things are going to go bad.
And they did, both cases.
Both cases.
Things went pretty negative.
I was just sitting there, and I was, like, finally laid down at, I think, like,
midnight.
Or finally, like, was, like, all right, I'm going to go to sleep at midnight.
How do you get up at 2.30?
And it was just, like, literally, almost still was, like, playing alarm clock
games.
Where I was, like, five more in my head.
I'm, like, dude, come on, man.
I do it all the time.
It was crazy.
It was, like, get up.
It could be the most important thing in the world.
I'm, like, I can definitely get 10 more minutes.
Sleep right through it.
Oh, I knew it was going to go bad.
I knew it was somebody else's fault.
But, yeah, that was my main time.
My main fear was being so tired that I just got complete, just fucking.
I saw the adrenaline was going, dude.
When you sprinted down the hallway towards me.
True.
I was, like, oh, it's on.
Oh, it's on.
Yeah, true.
Well, getting the nap.
When I got there, I had enough time to get a one-hour nap.
That was the clincher.
Once I got that nap, I was, like, I'm good.
Ooh, that request was so scary.
Dude.
Texting rogies?
I was nervous for you.
I was, like, oh, fuck.
Please don't think I'm a little fucking ingrate.
They're like, hey, can I bring a friend?
Yeah.
Is it okay?
True.
I mean.
And then we ran into him at the creek, and he was, like, yes, obviously.
I was, like, all right, sweet.
I know.
That was.
I was being gay, dude.
It was.
Oh, sorry.
I shouldn't have asked like that.
No, but it is a thing.
It is kind of a nerve-wracking thing to be, like, hey, can I bring a friend?
Yeah, when you ask somebody for anything.
Yeah.
It was tough.
But.
True that.
God, it worked out.
It did, dude.
That was a blast.
That was a lot of fun.
What a fucking weekend.
Yeah, then the stand-up.
Every show was great.
That's where I started feeling, like, weirded out.
Because you'd walk out.
Every single show was great.
Yeah, that was strange.
Because that room in Helium, you walk out, and it's just, or Cap City, or
whatever.
I didn't see the stage at all, so I was just in the green room,
it's like a five-foot semi-circle stage, and I was like, duh.
Yeah.
And then you kill.
No matter what you say, they're like, yeah.
It's like, dude, I knew I was the best this whole time.
Forget about the last six weekends on the road.
This one is true.
Yeah, no, that was awesome.
Yeah, it's rare to have a weekend where every show, every single person does
good.
Yeah.
Your con man was killing.
Yeah.
Your con man was killing.
Everyone, dude.
Yeah, thanks for inviting me to your friend's house, dude.
Grumpy.
I had a lot of fun at your friend's house.
Grumpy O'Conn, man.
He had a grumpy boy.
He'd get off, he'd kill, he'd get off stage and be like, how were they?
I was like, dude, I was like, that was nice.
He was like, they're good.
Yeah, you'd hear him, but maybe he's turning over a super stoic leaf.
Yeah, he's pretty stoic.
It might be Connor Aurelius, dude.
It might be Christopher Aurelius.
Yeah.
Might have to get, maybe we'll get the bro up on the page, dude.
Oh, dude, me and O'Connor.
So we went to the bar.
Oh, yeah.
What the fuck, dude?
No, this weekend, we're sitting at the bar.
Me and O'Connor, this girl comes in and sits behind him.
Oh, yeah.
And he's got his back to her, so he's facing me.
I can kind of see her.
She's like, hammered, gremlin, dude.
She starts punching Chris, and he thinks, like, oh, she's like, we're having
fun with the bar.
He's like, hey, knocking off.
And he went back to be like, come on.
Yeah, above the waist.
Cut it out, we're goofing.
And she was like, get your fucking hands off me, you piece of shit.
And I was like, dude, we got to move.
We got to get the fuck out of here.
And then she kept doing it.
She started, like, actually, like, pushing him off.
Like, I could see him, like, moving.
And I was like, hey, could you please, like, stop hitting my friend?
Yeah.
And she goes, you're fat.
I was just like, god damn it, lady.
Dude, she goes, yo, she goes, you're fat.
And then she goes, pulled her tube top down, pulled out her tits.
She's wearing a tube top?
Yeah, she went.
Jesus Christ.
Pulled out big, fat boobs.
Ladies, you still wear tube tops.
Had she not been so mean to me, I wouldn't have been mean back.
But she was like, you're fat.
Pulled her tits out.
I was like, your tits are fucking disgusting, dude.
Those are disgusting, you gross idiot.
And she was like, yeah, I am ugly.
And I was immediately, I was like, no, you're not.
I'm sorry.
She was, like, so sad.
But then she was like, yeah, I'm ugly.
I was like, no, you're not.
And she was like, but you're fat, so who cares?
And I was like, well, you are ugly.
Fuck you.
Talk about a girl misfunction, just pushing boys, pulling your tits out.
It was like, I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
Also, she couldn't even see me.
Hit me with the, you're fat.
I was like, damn, she's hit me with, like, you're fat from, like, me sitting.
She could just see, like, here up.
She was just like, you're fucking fat.
I was like, Jesus Christ.
God damn.
You didn't even see the whole of me.
And then we keep going.
We go back to talking.
She's just at the bar.
She takes her fucking beer, just turns it upside down, puts it back, sits there.
A bartender comes over.
One of the fucking dudes came over and kissed her.
He, like, came over to be like, hey, how are you doing?
And she was like, and he kissed.
He kissed.
On the lips?
It was a peck on the lips.
Whoa.
I was like, okay.
All right.
To be fair, that bartender was probably on Coke.
Definitely.
To be fair, that guy was probably on Coke.
She pours the beer out.
She's just sitting there now.
A guy comes over and is like, did you spill this?
And she's like, no.
I was like, you got to get her the fuck out of here.
Yeah, dude.
So then they finally got her out.
She goes to the bathroom.
While she's walking back, that bartender that I saw kiss her is like, I saw all
you guys
looking at her when she was walking around.
I was like, dude, you fucking kissed her.
He was like, what the?
No, I didn't.
He, like, spazzed.
See, he did.
It was a great night.
That's pretty fun.
That was it.
That was the end of it.
That was it.
I let him off the hook a little.
I was like, I know, I know.
She kissed first.
I was being generous, dude.
He kissed a clearly blacked out woman.
Oh, that's assault, brother.
Yeah, she was life of the party, though.
As soon as she left, like, what was the point?
I mean, that should be a police escort for a girl that drunk to get home.
She was still outside when we left.
We were leaving.
She was outside.
It was like, geez, dude.
Somebody should help.
Not me, though.
Someone would help her.
I'm a good Samaritan, not a fat Samaritan.
You call me fat, I'm out.
Getting hit with Joseph.
Oh, you're fat.
That's crazy.
Oh, come on, lady.
It's fucked up.
You're punching my friend.
Yeah, can you please stop?
I mean, the obvious question is, what happens if that's a dude?
I mean, if that's a dude.
Well, if he called me fat, I would just be like, you're gay.
Yeah, true.
I wouldn't fight a guy like that.
I'm just saying, a guy would have been removed from the bar in four seconds.
Oh, you're saying if a guy sat down and started doing that to women?
Oh, my God.
Just pouring shit on the bar.
Punching him in the face.
Bothering people.
Everyone would have whooped his ass.
Tries to kiss.
The bartender probably still would have kissed him.
Kissed.
That guy would have kissed.
He's high on coke and he's a fucking drug addict bartender.
You guys want?
He's high on coke and has too much hair gel.
He's a drug addict bartender.
Fucking loser.
It is fun to pick a profession and just attack it.
Yeah, it's very fun.
It's very, very fun.
It's like, no, it's like, okay, what is it?
If you're not a drug addict bartender, you're a man bun pussy.
So, which one are you?
Man bun pussy with a cool beard or a random animal drug addict bartender.
Dude, there's nothing in between.
Are you a radical feminist and fucking communist bartender?
Who's also kind of an alcoholic.
Who's definitely, absolutely a raging alcoholic.
Yeah, man.
It's funny.
There's no other possible way in that industry.
There is.
You can age out to be like women.
There's women at the Elks in mechanics, but there's just ladies, old ladies.
Yeah.
That's a good place to be.
You're saying.
They're just like somebody's aunt.
Oh, old aunt bartenders.
They wear like a crew neck fucking hoodie.
The rules are totally different.
Yeah, rules are totally different to women.
Steelers sweatshirt from like 98.
You're just a tough bitch at that point.
Yeah.
That's just tough bitch.
That's tough bitch.
Then there's just two types of dudes.
That's it.
Bartending.
That's absolutely right.
Unless you want to get on some coyote ugly stuff, but that doesn't.
You're just having fun at that point.
That's girls pretending to be bartenders.
Yeah.
Like a tall blonde fucking whipping.
It's like, oh, come on.
I like that.
This is your summer off from graphic design school.
Go back.
Get out from behind the bar.
Yeah.
Knock it off.
Grow up.
You're stealing a job from a tough bitch, dude.
Tough bitches, but they're also very nice.
Like, hey, sweetie.
How like, honey, what do you want?
They're very nice.
Yeah, true.
The tough bitches are very nice.
They're the best.
Like you want some scratch offs.
We got a popcorn machine.
They're among the best.
That's what happens when you've like, when you get this, when you've cut hair
so much that
your hands act up, hit the bar.
Bartending, dude.
It's tough bitch, it's tough bitch industry, dude.
Haircutting, bartending.
Male ladies are kind of like the elite tough bitches.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Male ladies are more, I would say, on the upper cast of tough bitches.
Thick, too.
I've never seen one that's not thick.
Bro, don't get me started.
Why are they so thick, dude?
Bro, don't get me in tr