Name: Ep 433 - PUMP (feat. Francis Ellis)
Uploaded: 2023-03-08T21:02:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 433 - PUMP (feat. Francis Ellis)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 433 - PUMP (feat. Francis Ellis)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-08. Transcript available.

Ep 433 - PUMP (feat. Francis Ellis)

the wild wild west who came up with that study who's that the university guys
that lie
that's just a classic norm mcdonald that's a uh i always like those guys that
hold it down like
they have big like huge dicks do you have any friends that are like the the
move i was explaining
this to britney my wife the other day i was just like yeah i was like the move
is because she was
like why do white guys always downplay their dicks if you talk to black guys
they're like oh my dick's
so i'm like well first of all well i mean let me tell you about a little bio
101 but she i was
basically telling her i'm like well the move is you play you downplay it so
when someone sees it they go
oh nice but then there's this whole other movie like my shit's the biggest and
i know dudes used
to do that and i've heard them get exposed because i know i would it would just
happen i would know a
woman they laid with and the lady would give me a scoop and be like it's not
that big i try not to
bring it up you don't bring it up at all to the woman no i don't think i've
ever brought it up you
don't talk down whatsoever pre a woman seeing my doll and there's i don't think
i've ever once been
like my doll get ready it's all right but i've heard dudes hold it this guy was
holding him occasionally
with a this thing's not gonna work tonight i'll give him a heads up i'm like
look you can we can
hang out it's not gonna work yeah it's out of order it's well out of order yeah
but i've heard
dudes who like talk their dicks up to other dudes for some reason yes other
dudes yeah yeah and then
but then they get exposed like you know of a mutual female friend who at this
point in my life oh yeah
hey francis ellis is with us everybody on the podcast big frank i would care
more about dudes
knowing that i had a big dick than women you probably do have a big dick you
weirdo no
you definitely have a weird dick i don't want to do a weird big dick look at
that body dude boy look
at that body sticking that thing's sticking straight out dude damn i hate how
handsome and
sculpted frank get out of here it's awesome i hate it i think it's probably
sticking straight
out dude you know how good looking and in shape you have to be to be a pink
ginger and still be
handsome dude the odds were stacked against you it's been a battle it's been a
battle you should be
hideous what was it like most of my life oh really really yeah i used to get
bullied for it for what
they say ugly yeah people would give me all kinds of the porch freak yeah yeah
they say i had a big
nose well that's correlated with big dogs apparently too and um i was really
Irish nose
i'd really pink then i started wearing sunscreen more size 12. me too i'm also
6'3 with a size 12. i got
some i got some room in these though yeah those are absurd shoes dude so you
got you were bullied you
were you were uh whatchamacallit an ugly duckling and turned into a beautiful
swan i can really i was a
bit of a the red swan i was a fat little gremlin my whole life dude it's good
yeah i was a big fat
gremlin my whole life just bullying attacking it's the best so you were uh you
said you were on the
prowl basically though yeah preemptive strike preemptive strike everybody you
got to stay in the
preemptive strike mode if somebody i was a ginger and somebody called me a
ginger i would immediately
be like well your dad's dead so shut up you like you gotta always have the nuke
yeah you got the nuke
i used to do that yeah i would and i would get in trouble because my reactions
were never commensurate
with the offense against me it's a ridiculous offense there's a racial you're
hanging out you're
getting you're hanging out and someone's making fun of you for something you
can't change
yeah unless you started talking and then they're like shut up no i didn't
i wanted to be friends with everyone your mind yeah that never helps what would
they say like you
fucking one guy my mom said that your red hair because your dad they'd always
ask me if my pubic
hair matched the color on my head sexual assault which was so abrasive i i don't
you know it's like
that's such a personal question and also why wouldn't it yeah obviously it
obviously doesn't
god dog's penis and his dick hair doesn't match his oh yeah he's two-toned is
that right yep it's true
yeah but you're like a mutt yeah you are it's like he's wop from the eyebrows
down yeah
he's got an irish brain and a wop body
the worst bad combo it is you know it is actually kind of the best there
things like a lot you get a big dong you're hairy yeah and then you get a nice
depressed irish brain
yeah that's true true you look at your spaghetti meatballs and go what's the
point
it's even the point we all die anyway hey ma what's the point of it all
frank what's going on with you uh sometimes i like to just i like you guys so
much that i just want to
be part of it and and see what what's happening i got every i i didn't used to
but since i started
doing your pod sometimes i now listen to it a lot so this has become surreal to
be on it again
i hadn't we're not talking right now me and shane aren't talking we're pissed
we're locked in mortal
combat i don't know if you've noticed i haven't talked to matt once yeah we're
not me and him you guys
had that whole shoe thing that worked no that we weren't talking to each other
that's just showbiz
dude we put it on for the camp we hate each other right now yeah match mad i
won the tournament i
won the best podcaster he beat me in the retards choice awards dude dude you
want to know something
what i voted you voted i knew you would i saw it i went i'm not gonna hate the
button i wanted to see
i wanted to see what the scores were every time i voted on every single one did
you really yeah
and then i was like god i hope you can't see who i'm voting for that would be
psychotic
shit i saw the scoreboards dude what was the final score don't actually i didn't
see ours i
swear to god i didn't see ours i was voting on all the other ones i didn't i
didn't see us you were
fucking although let me see i think we were in a barn burn dude dude i kept
trying to taught i kept
trying to check twitter this weekend i would pull up and see like matt mccusker
and i'd read whoever
i was verse i would get deeply embarrassed and just go fuck dude i hope nobody
looks at this
i want to 46. 54 to 46. that's not exactly neck and neck that's pretty close
that's pretty close
how many votes well i guess it's 10. 54 46. uh 33 200. what is the very good
example size
what do you mean 54 and 46. 100 basically yeah i said 110. scrubbed that what
the percentages i said
110 of a while percent yeah yeah oh that was the percent yeah yeah yeah it wasn't
no not the total
votes it was 3 200 people jesus christ no i mean so i mean it's pretty much
official now i mean that was
that was like a city electric small city rural city did better than village lori
lightfoot
true she didn't reach you let it go dude i fucking can't i knew you were gonna
do this i had my i had
t-shirts pre-printed dude i'm like you fucking failed yeah they're in africa
now they're in africa
recent winner of twitter poll that's why i'm dressed so flashy today i put on
my hawaiian bucket hat
i said god damn i knew i was number one i would read them i'd be like this is
so
embarrassing oh my god i hope i lose the next one i go i won again nice yeah i
guess i am definitely
better than that guy oh man it's like someone poking that beat you have like a
bees nest of
just unsavory gobbling traits inside of you and that thing was just poking mine
all weekend
stop it i try to hide this part of myself i vote i got in there and voted mischievously
i knew you
would i saw the button i said i'm not touching it i vote of you every time dude
thank you yeah you little
fuck there's no way what i don't think you actually voted for him no i
guarantee he did you voted for
him yeah i don't give a fuck about that yeah i voted i voted for you like 100
times yeah
well look this could be the dust settled don't deny the election
don't deny the results the results the big lie dude yeah francis you weren't
even on that thing
i don't know what we're talking about don't worry about it is it really the
awards yeah yeah it
literally is obviously obviously i want i'm honored to be omitted it was truly
yeah by the people for
the people how is this podcast you say you watch it is it any good i listen to
it listen when i'm driving
working man there's some really funny parts when you're work when you're
driving and just
fucking giving hell to minorities in the road sure oh yeah dude you are i mean
hell yeah but watch out
watch out brother
there's gonna be such a good video of you like call the police you know help
call the police no i've been
shot i've been shot i've been shot now you know what i wanted to do was i
wanted to buy uh i wanted to
buy um meek mills bulletproof suv dude you should get that he was trying to
sell it and uh i dm'd him
about it did you really he was selling for like 160 grand it wasn't as bad as i
would have thought
that's pretty cool and it's totally bulletproof really and i thought if i had
that then i could
really lean into to making sure people are abiding by the laws of the road yeah
you should get some
tactical gear you should arm yourself you should go out with a gun
i bet you i could get one legally a gun yeah in new york yeah it's not as hard
as i would have
thought i looked into it once yeah we talked about that yeah we were trying to
figure out
supreme court you're looking to get a gun really yeah they they were like nah
dude you can get guns
in new york you have to be honest new york city was trying to be soft dude yeah
although if there is
one place that shouldn't have guns when did they change their mind though the
guns i thought like
last year did it work it was like a so many buses of mexicans came up here and
they're like fine
you can everybody yeah definitely that worked probably exactly when it happened
i just had the guy pulled
up and gave me my acai bowl dude and it was like i was thinking about it i'm
like dude never in my
ancestors wildest dreams did they think a mexican man a 50 year old mexican man
would come up on a scooter and
give me a fruit from the amazon yeah and i just walked in like nice yeah that's
it and you sit
here and talk this is his life's almost over a guy's a halfway point in life
and he's just buzzing around
it's a good life though it's an awesome life dude getting a whip a scooter dude
imagine if it say i
don't know where this guy's from he didn't speak english but imagine he was
from a place that was
genuinely food insecure yeah now he's just like here you go dude he's a hoagie
every now and again he
fucking munchies dude it's that's the best yeah it is pretty fucking cool is
that cool it is cool i
never thought i wouldn't have thought that when second grade that i'd have ever
have a mexican
man ride up to me on a moped and it's like here you are sir no i go thank you i
had no i had no
i saw that coming for me yeah definitely you were at harvard man you're singing
your songs someday
it'll be easier than it is right now boy was i right i used to go to the
counter to get my burritos
yeah now it's not no more no now the burrito comes to me they're handed to me
at the door while
i clutch our french how sick would it be for an uber eats but it's from tacos
literally from mexico and
people have to sneak them into the country and give them to you that'd be
pretty tight like real
authentic mexican cuisine got in here that gets to you the authentic way yeah
just like a 13 year
old boy through a tunnel as a guy with a machine gun you check your thing you're
like oh my uber
each driver's in a shipping container right now great he's at the border a guy
died in a shipping
container by call for a refund you're like this is fucking bullshit i mean that's
how some guys get
snooze what grub hub some snooze really oh yeah you can do the sex slaves get
stuck in the shipping
co