Name: Ep 434 - Razzle Dazzle (feat. Bert Kreischer)
Uploaded: 2023-03-15T20:34:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 434 - Razzle Dazzle (feat. Bert Kreischer)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 434 - Razzle Dazzle (feat. Bert Kreischer)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-15. Transcript available.

Ep 434 - Razzle Dazzle (feat. Bert Kreischer)

the wild wild west hey there we go welcome to the podcast
we're here we're live with bert kreischer and mamma kusker how are you man what's
up man how
are you good you look good dude thank you man no no no one looks as good as you're
setting yourself
up why it's not a big deal dude sometimes guys get good boy haircuts damn dude
no mustache good
part i look like a good boy again fuck i was i was running cross bear you were
with the devil there
for a minute you were now i'm back you look you do look good thanks man
fantastic tommy cut my hair
last night did he really yeah sober sober he was sober and cut your hair
allegedly wait
he had just come from dinner did i ever tell you about the time uh my my hairdresser
fell off the
wagon and cut my hair no no oh dude i this hairdresser he was uh he was cool as
fuck you
could only get him he'd come into la obviously he was an alcohol thursday like
cool as hell he was
cool he cut he cut uh ozzy osborne's hair uh fucking perry pharrell's hair cut
everyone's hair and he
lived in he lived out of town he'd come in once a month and you get a call like
yo he's in town
do you want a haircut so leanne dumps me right it was right when we first
started dating oh she dumps
me i'm fucking i'm a wreck i can't stop crying yeah and he calls he goes yo i'm
in town you want a
haircut and i'm i'm still crying on the phone he's like what's wrong with you i
go uh this chick i
dumped me and i'm i'm i'm fucked and he goes why don't you come in get a
haircut
i said no i'm good he goes no no no it's the best thing you can do is look good
today yeah you look
good let's talk about it man we're friends we'll talk so come in now mind you
he's a recovering
heroin addict i come in and he's drinking a beer yeah that's barbershop culture
though yeah no no
this is like hairstylist this is hollywood yeah hairstyle culture i go to him i
go man i thought
you were sober and he was like heroin was my problem not beer yes i know this
story yeah
no they don't keep going so so uh so because you want one i was like yeah i
guess i'll take a beer
and he's like so what's the problem i go uh this chick is that a sin yeah yeah
oh yeah you want one no
no no no yeah you had one i go this chick dumped me he goes why i go i don't
know friends had a
drinking problem he goes how many friends i said uh one drinking problem yeah
he goes yeah good call
idiots we're like a really drinking solution to all of our life's problems you
know what i mean god damn
that drinking problem worked out you parlayed that into success i flipped that
pretty good
it's a million dollar it's crazy it's so funny breaking up with the dude be
like you have a
drinking problem never changing getting worse probably no i think i've got just
turn it on
so he goes he goes uh how many people told you that i said just one he goes it's
important
i said why he goes if one person tells you have a tail them they're crazy he
goes if two people tell
you have a tail they're teaming up on you but if three people tell you have a
tail turn around
and i go okay and he goes you want to smoke a joint i was like what he goes i
go man i thought you
were sober he goes dude weed wasn't my problem i wasn't sucking dude's dicks
for weed and a beer
okay do you want to smoke a joint or not and i was like i want to smoke a joint
i've done it
so we'd smoke a joint get another beer guy for we eating a beer oh yeah one
weed one beer
i'd love to just no man just a hit please
so uh we got high we have another beer and he comes in he cuts my hair with a
straight razor and his thumb
it hurts so bad it's like he's pulling my hair out and as he does my bangs he
turns them into simple
jack from tropic thunder yeah he me up so bad i get my car to immediately start
crying
i'm looking at myself in the mirror and i'm like i look like a jackass and then
i went home and leah
was sitting on my bed and she was the one to take me back she goes what
happened to your hair oh no
i was 180 she came back to take you back she took me she was in a sundress she
had gone to a black
church oh man sundress she took you back in a sundress yeah oh christ you lift
that thing up and get
after it no no no no no you just cried on that thing yeah i cried cried cried
on the pussy
lubricant i think girls would like that a lot oh my god weak man eating their
pussy that's all they want yes i broke him now he's eating my pussy yeah
nothing more than a guy to
cry with their pussy and they both turn into vampires yeah they definitely
turned into vampires
now we're vampires you'd probably cry the same way you laugh too right oh i
cried yeah you've
ever seen me cry i can cry no not like an actual sag oh i cry oh i can cry real
easy
really oh yeah i cry i cry i cry i cry very easy if i tell you about the end of
time traveler's
wife i'll cry if i tell you like i can like tell you stories that'll make me
cry
one makes the one that makes me cry is buster douglas oh yeah this is a 30 for
30 makes me cry
every time dude kids books get me man kids books dude i cry my eyes out like
baby beluga
yeah well like i get like personalized books there's like we love you so much
you like you know my
daughter's name is amaya from your kids so they do they do like they said oh
yeah that would make me cry
where's waldo i can't fucking fight where the fuck is he yeah they get me no
you mean kids books
literally from your kids that they say like we love you at the end like their
grandmom will
like have like a customized book so it's like my uh daddy and mommy and it's
like ever since you were
born you're just like oh yeah you came into our lives yeah i bet oh it's the
worst i bet
just want to get me you have a buster douglas that's a good one
love of your child buster douglas how about miracle miracle i think early i don't
know i haven't
seen a lot team do you play for yeah united states of america yeah speaking of
you see team usa last
night put a hurting on those dumb canadians thank god in baseball thank we lost
to mexico in baseball
that's fair pretty bad no it's not fair what usa should be the best team at
baseball yes brother
no for real if we if we had all of our players that actually played no one
would beat us right yeah
are you talking about what are you talking about it's a world baseball classic
it's like the world cup
although our outfield or like our players are playing well it's also from a mexican
pitcher it's
like low sink sinker yeah i mean it goes up it's coming out low dude yeah uh
the wee whacker it's uh
it's just frustrating i i don't like there's something about i get very xenophobic
immediately
about the olympics the second world cup olympics yeah i don't give a
about world baseball classic i just found out it was on yeah turn it on i was
like what the
we lost to mexico yeah i was mad dude and they always we always placate mexico
because we're
always trying to sell tickets so when we play mexico in any sporting event it's
always in texas
or arizona like we'll play them in soccer and we'll play them in houston kind
of a you though
it was theirs it was theirs it is a nice you but also they're like no it's a
home game like no it's
our home game pack it out our home games in soccer is just all green it's all
them what yeah that's a
problem yeah i don't like it yeah man well that's just funny you can like put a
ball in between
people and you can hate a whole country like those yeah you're allowed to
immediately i miss i miss
that wow you guys are younger than me i actually remember really being allowed
to hate other
countries like out loud oh yeah like russians yeah like russians were like you
can do it's back in
i wrote it i wrote it in the in a liberal a group of liberals you can say we
should nuke russia yeah
and they'd be like yeah definitely really now you can we read the new york
times yes we should nuke
russia yeah you can do it again good call no yeah i hear what you're saying
hate russians
i miss it being able to just hate a country well like it was like i don't know
but no just knowing
knowing where your fears were and identifiably where they were yeah like it was
the cold war it
was us versus them not us first like these guys and these guys and these guys
hit us also and then
our own government and it was like oh and your only fear really was like
nuclear annihilation
i'm not scared of it at all i don't know why it fails to get me i mean i i
guess because it's such a
hopefully that doesn't happen because then the world's over well nuclear power
wouldn't you rather
that than just you will turn you right into energy it'll turn your solid matter
right into energy
this is the most selfish take of all time and i i have it too a little like it's
like well if i die
it i hope it's the world ends i don't want people to have fun when i'm gone it's
such a greedy he's
got kids dude he's got kids i want them knowing too he wants listen listen when
i hang on when i die
they die also yeah you're going to be no because you're like an egyptian kid
yeah i can't i
i can't love them if i'm dead so i want them dead also there you sound like a
lady that puts her
kids in the lake you know what i mean it's just that's a wild statement don't
you want to enjoy life
and you're making like you can lion king them from the sky you can be like mufasa
yeah true
jedi them you can show up as a hologram drink they'll be at a college party
like do it
like that i don't want i can't my stomach hurts drink i definitely want my wife
to die with me
yeah for sure that one yeah i want my kids to live i guess because then they're
going to suck someone
what if you die before your wife your wife sucks on one of them yeah she's
going to
you think leanne that you're overestimating she's gonna blow a guy
i swear to god within one year of your passing i i okay i'll actually put i i'll
put this back i'm
gonna put this in my i'm gonna put this in one calendar year she's gonna go a
guy you ready
i'm willing to make this bet i will in my will i'll leave you money okay no no
no no no i'm gonna
leave a caveat in my will definitely it sucks someone's dick within one year
you get a million
dollars out of my will mark it down how is you know i'm gonna be sending all
the time
i miss him too
damn what a betrayal his wife sucked my dick and i got a million dollars
oh my god no i'd be sending assassins at her yeah i'll be sending some of those
nfl boys i'd be saying
christian mccaffrey would be knocking on your door
christian let's make five hundred thousand dollars each today and you get hit
yeah you're that guy who just died remember that guy you want to make five
hundred thousand dollars
the easy way yeah you'd have to watch though to confirm you'd have to watch i
have a problem
you'd have to watch
i would like to film it dude that'd be nuts
no the bookshelf in uh interstellar just like no
i can go right after this too it's crazy
no you can't no one can oh yeah that was a good podcast guys
that's all you need really good the rest of this is gonna be filler
that was like one good bit it does stink though you think about that like they
have to eventually
suck podcasts no no no no or the wife bereaved wives forget podcasts for a
moment oh yeah wife is
gonna suck after you die yeah man she's gonna suck and you want her to so you
don't want her to
never suck ever again i know i've i've had this thought a lot no you don't
really wait what you're
going it sucks a lot dude wait what are you talking about have sex she can get
sucked yeah
sucking's a lot yeah obviously yes you do want them to suck again yeah just for
you know
just for the sick of hell he lands too good at it to retire oh she's really
good that's the best i
think it's because the majority of your family can't read
i think that helps it does yeah someone's gotta pay the gas bill damn my family's
not that smart
they got sisters oh
it is a terrible thing to think about whether or not your relatives are just
like completely
turn it on one of your one of your female relatives is a su