Name: Ep 435 - Cedar Fever
Uploaded: 2023-03-23T14:10:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 435 - Cedar Fever' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 435 - Cedar Fever' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-23. Transcript available.

Ep 435 - Cedar Fever

wow wow west we're here live from my parents basement again yes this is the big
one stuff
goes down when we're here true last time my mom put a hole in the roof with a
dump well that was
oh that was remember she clogged that was that long ago and then i got fired
from snl the next
day what like the next like two days yeah we haven't done one since then i
think we did one
the hot wheel track yeah hot wheels yeah okay that's all i was saying i was
like damn i thought
i was like time was going with it yeah i don't recall you play with the hot
real yeah we had
that hot wheel track last time we were playing with it this is i think the
third one this is the
third one at least the third one at least the third live oh yeah because i
think we went to we went to
gettysburg yeah yeah anyway well anyway it's good to be here what a good week
how do you feel i feel
pretty good i feel uh i feel more confused than ever about what my whole life
dude i gotta raise a
whole family it's it's a it's dawning it's dawning stuff i forget about it all
the time and i'm just
like yeah i'm gonna do another book and then i'll go oh and then i got a
shepherd fucking two
lives those kids like what the you know what the hell am i gonna do with those
guys i go oh man i
freak out and then i go um i'll just like trying to find a good school food
yeah that's all you can
do it's all you can do yeah yeah i've been trying to i've been trying to figure
that out trying to
figure out relationships that's uh they're difficult very difficult dude i was
i swear to god i think the
big part of it is you have to sit there if you're in for the long haul you have
to like selectively pick
parts of your personality and just incinerate them but you have to also make
sure you're not like
incinerating your core personality because then you'll just turn into like a
bland fucking uh you
know happy wife happy life type oh it's because you have you will i understand
the reason dudes i i
emphasize or empathize yeah dudes like i would see those blank thousand yard
stairs and like what a
fucking pussy and i see it now i have to i see why you'd smash the emergency
glasses go hard reset on
my whole system i don't care about anything you have i don't care just no
please just fucking stop
tortures don't fucking yell at me phil was just telling me how nice it was
first thing he said when
he picked me up he was like your mother's been gone for two weeks god damn you
must have been getting
fucking hammered dude he must have been getting blacked out every night he had
just 14 days here
14 days and i was like how was he like i mean it was pretty much the same other
than not having your
mother come down and be like did you empty the cat litter did you empty the
litter box it's like she
asked me every day the goddamn cats got the nice nicer bathroom than i do well
you start waiting for
those that's the thing when you know you're is you'll be sitting there like preemptively
having
that like you'll it'll it'll put like a ghost in your head yeah now you're
having those conversations
when they're not even there and you're like see i did put that there and if she
oh i'm gonna i'm
gonna you know what she left that thing there yeah i'm gonna put it away
quietly yeah once you're
there you're fried oh man so i've been i've been uh navigating that realm and i
you know it's going
well it is going well it's difficult realm it is a difficult realm i see why
dudes completely freak out
having one person tell me to do one thing i'm like i hate them i wish they
weren't in here
leave me alone it's crazy oh i had to get woken up at 8 a.m who woke you phil
pound dude he pounds
on the door like oh he's serving a warrant it's crazy dude it nothing bothers
me more get up that's
how he does it it's so annoying dude i'm furious and then my mom's yelling she's
like a cat dude
she'll stand outside your door hey hey come on let's go oh my god gotta get
moving oh shut up you're
having like grade school flashbacks dude i was having i had a wild night yo i
also i know these are my
dreams i have wild dreams she's a cat she really sits outside your door come on
it just rubs the wall
let's get moving oh let's get moving oh dude there's so many dumb women have so
many dumb phrases oh dude
i'd rather see a swastika wake up like what the hell is that yeah then if i
could hear that phil
we gotta go pounding the door come on let's go let's get moving i'd rather
someone like eight by
eight hit the side of my house with a swat yeah absolutely i feel like i'd be
upset i'd be deeply
upset by that obviously but i'm saying if somebody hits me with that if
somebody happens to spray paint
a swastika inside your room while you're asleep i'm livid dude i'm livid i'd be
livid but nothing
like waking up furious is there a worse feeling than early morning wake up just
absolutely dude
imagine a 4 a.m imagine that at 4 a.m bro bro imagine and you you wake up to a
kid a kid going
and you just feel smacked and i just go it takes everything in me not to just
go let me get out of
yeah dude that i'm still thinking about i can feel my shoulder getting nudged
like a week ago well
that just reminded me of that stortis waking us up dude i hated that guy so
sorry you're saying last
night no no oh my dreams i every single dream i had i was trying to get a drink
i was thirsty i was just
thirsty in real life because every dream i kept going in and out of like
because i'd been drinking
for five days i was in austin so last night was the first like sober sleep yeah
my dreams were
oh they all came back yeah yeah but every dream was about just trying to get a
drink just playing
a liquid yeah but then i woke up and i was like oh yeah i'm thirsty i had to
walk downstairs at 4 a.m
your brains were waiting five days to give me that message yeah you had to
drink you idiot drink water
yeah finally we got them you would have liked it i had a tornado and a plane
crash streams
you did simultaneously last night yeah before it was just all while you were
trying to get
all still trying to get the drink yeah the plane happened to crash in water so
maybe that was something
whoa dude you i think that might be a foretell i was i was reading about oh
what's this guy's
name i can't remember him herbert uh i pulled up my phone he was like one of
like the early aviation
guys yeah and i was i was actually going to come here and tell you about this
guy crashing like five
planes and living what the hell is this guy's name yeah it's pretty sick i
always do this i always
go to something else when i pull something up for myself oh there he is howard
hughes oh yeah the
aviator you know of him the aviator dude he was a director i didn't know he was
like a big hollywood
guy yeah did you ever get into his ship see the aviator no it's awesome leonardo
dicaprio is he
playing howard hughes yeah did you know what that guy's was about what he was
just he was like a big
time hollywood guy had a ton of money and he was like i want to fly yeah he's
got into flying planes
he was a crazy person he's nuts he ended up i mean the end of the movie is him
locked in his personal
theater pissing in jars for weeks he was ocd yeah but dude did they get into
the movie did they
get into all of his plane crashes yeah he crashed yeah crashed five times yeah
i didn't know i was
reading this giant plane did they talk about that at all which one was that was
that the last one
i'm just going off the movie he builds a gigantic i don't even know it might be
the f-11 he was like
kind of an albatross or something oh the one with the it was yeah i think i'm
talking about which one
he broke the he circumnavigated the globe he broke that record that was three
days he did it in three
days and 55 minutes and the other guy was like eight hours but dude did they
show you when he crashes into
a suburb yeah like a jet yeah yeah dude he's on fire it's insane the first time
he flew he was like
this is what's up this rules broke the speed right he went like 450 miles an
hour and then just crashed
into a beat field he crashed five times his friends he cracked his skull the
one time his friends died
this is all in that movie yeah it's pretty good you're gonna like that movie i
gotta check it out i was
reading about this guy's life i was thinking about him i think about that movie
constantly he gets stuck in
loops of repeating himself and he's like he's like i can't stop and it's like
dude i'm there
i'm there i have thoughts i have recurring over and over the same thought i'm
like this can't happen
that's crazy because i was i was reading about the aviator last i didn't know
that he had the movie
yeah yeah he was just picking up babes they're saying he would just like dude
fly babes he was the
first dude of his time to be like the uh what was it called like the city list
citizen who was just
flying he was like the first like truly global type of dude and uh he was just
flying over cities
and swooping down and grabbing stars and they're saying like he was like a
mythical creature just
coming down and picking women up and taking them into the sky and just dumping
them back down yeah
he had a there's some guy the only guy that could fly came by and your
girlfriend yeah dude
the only dude he was flying but he crashed constantly dude yeah you'd be
praying for that five
fucking plane crash dude he hit the one his heart moved from this side of his
body that's which
apparently same thing happened to princess diana her heart had gone completely
over this way yeah
it's up in the car accident yeah when she was dead yeah yeah well she was still
alive when they came
and got her really she was still alive everybody's always still alive yeah i
mean her heart and she's
lincoln was alive for like two days was he really he was alive for like a long
time he didn't like
say his last word oh kill me what the fuck what if they shot him right in his
free is free the
slaves part of his brain and then he got he got hit he was like what john yeah
hey let me put me on tv
what did i do son of a bitch i don't want to do that we all have that part of
our brain
which part fts dude free the slave part of the brain he got shot right in his
free the slaves part
of the brain the angel the angel on his shoulder he shot him right the angel on
the shoulder
and the bad guy was like get them back get them back we need them i'm not gonna
do chores
that's all it was there's a bunch of dudes with wives going when are you gonna
pick up that you keep
leaving the cotton everywhere he's like i'm gonna get other people to do this
that's uh i don't even
think that's worth you know i don't think that was as funny as it was offensive
i mean the juice
wasn't quite though it was a very funny premise when you carry get the camera
on you real quick
yeah anyway dude so you know this is a racist rally speaking of dude speaking
of race and u.s
politics the mayor dude on the way here almost i mean i thought that he was
only i thought literally
he's gonna get like dead or in jail dude on the way here why what happened we
got pulled over pulled
over he was driving again i was chilling stop letting him drive your car i
listen to sci-fi audio why i
listen to sci-fi you can listen and drive why are you driving why is he driving
so chill he's driving miss
daisy dude it's so chill not driving i put on sci-fi audio books i prefer
driving dude really i like
driving see i used to be the same i got passenger anxiety where it's kind of
like we'll slow down
but the mayor is like steady on the driver yeah lamere steady on the wheel
except for today today you
weren't even going that fast you're going 85 miles an hour that was my ass as
hell 85 is pretty in a 2019 crv
that's going fast dude you think so on the turnpike 85 is pretty fast it's it's
up there 90s i'm like
all right 90 i'm on this is a bit much yeah but on the turn let's get that dehumidifier
going true
i like it as part of look we're in my parents basement dude there might be some
noise in the
bac