Name: Ep 437 - We Got Guys
Uploaded: 2023-04-05T19:02:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 437 - We Got Guys' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 437 - We Got Guys' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-05. Transcript available.

Ep 437 - We Got Guys

Wow, wow, Wes.
You're a good guy.
What the fuck, dude?
Oh, my God.
What the fuck?
That was crazy.
They've been lashing out.
You guys yell at each other.
Dude, LaMare lashed out at me earlier.
What'd he do?
As soon as he came in.
What'd he say?
I was saying, where's Matt?
I was like, I said, you're his assistant.
Where's Matt?
And he said, sorry, I didn't get fired from SNL.
I was like, whoa, what the fuck?
You still there?
Why the abuse?
Why the abuse?
I don't know, dude.
I'm sorry.
I apologize.
I think I tried to.
You lashed out at me.
It's a legitimate question.
Dude, I wasn't trying to be like a dickhead.
I thought it was funny.
I hurt my feelings.
I thought it was funny.
To be fair, Trump's got like 10 dudes standing outside the place.
You should be standing there until I get here, dude.
It's all clear.
It's all clear.
It's all clear.
It's all clear.
Your acai bowl is on the steps.
Dude, we were in Denver.
We were in Denver.
We had fucking security at our hotel.
Did you?
So much.
So the first night I was like going around asking all the security guards.
I was like, is this because the Golden State Warriors are in town?
Are the Warriors staying in the hotel?
And they were like, we can't tell you.
We can't tell you.
I was like, fuck, it's definitely the Warriors.
And then we got back from the show and they were like, you can't go on the
seventh floor.
And I was like, damn, the Warriors are up there.
I'm going to the seventh floor.
Get up there.
There's just Secret Service at the elevator.
Like, you can't be up here.
Who was up there?
And I was like, is it the Warriors?
And they're like, yeah, it's Draymond Green.
And then the doors closed and they laughed.
They laughed at me.
They were like, fucking idiot.
Hell yeah.
Draymond has Secret Service in the elevator.
Dude.
It was Jill Biden.
It was Dr. Jill.
It was Dr. Jill?
Yeah.
Dr. Jill was in Denver.
She had Secret Service?
Yeah.
She was upstairs banging the Secret Service.
Probably.
That's a little secret rumor.
Anyway.
Oh, I heard about that.
I heard about that too.
Little rumors.
I mean, to be fair.
I'm not going to indict her over it.
That's kind of their job, though.
That's their job.
Secret Service job is there to pleasure high power ladies.
You don't have time to have sex with your wife and you're running the country.
Dude, I'm not going to be able to stop watching this.
I know.
I have to turn it off.
Is that him?
Is that him?
Can't tell.
No, when he comes out, the place is going to go nuts.
Yeah, it'll be cut.
I mean, God, they're fucking...
They're just holding up the whole TV on, like, shots of the street.
Just waiting for Trump, dog.
All right.
On some bullshit, dude.
That got me fired up, dude.
I was full Republican this weekend.
Yeah.
As soon as they...
I was going...
My manager was in the green room this weekend.
I was fighting her the entire time.
I was fuming.
I mean, it is fucking nonsense, dude.
I haven't been following it at all.
I didn't even know he was actually...
When they say indicted, I think...
I thought that means, like, when they serve you.
I don't even know what it is.
What's good?
What's good?
LeMaire needs his telephone.
LeMaire needs his telephone because he wants to watch the stream.
He wants to watch the live stream?
Yeah, Donald Trump.
That's actually a good idea.
Then you can tell us when he's being arrested.
Oh, I like the background.
What is it?
What is your background?
It's like Kirby's Dream.
Oh.
Show it to...
That's cool.
It's a quality assistant.
You're going to Monica Lewinsky, LeMaire, dude.
I might.
You're going to fucking stick a cigar in LeMaire's pussy.
I might, dude.
I might put him on security detail, honestly.
Although his fly...
He's been making show flyers.
They've been fire.
LeMizzi?
Yeah, LeMizzi's digital...
They have been good.
He's a man of so many talents and he hides them.
I'm like, can you do video editing?
No, not really.
He'll whip something together.
Perfect.
Can you do this?
Put it together.
Dude, this is great.
He was on the road talking about coding with me.
The boy can code.
Yeah, I'm telling you, man.
He's a...
He's a wonder...
He's a genius.
He's a wonder adult, dude.
He is a wunderkind.
He's a wonder adult, dude.
Wunderkind.
Wunderkind.
Dude, I had a light...
It was like an impromptu semi-security experience this weekend.
I had to think of shit badly.
And I was at the stress factory.
They own the pizza place next door.
So I was like...
I was like, there's people coming in.
I'm like, yo, is there another bathroom I can hit up?
And they were like, you can go to the pizza place.
I'm like, sick.
So they're like, we'll show you.
The manager walked me to the pizza place.
And there's a bouncer too, just for me.
They all came.
So they opened the side door to a pizza place.
It's torrential rain.
And it was just, for some reason, nothing but an Asian lady pizza party in this
back room.
So I opened the door.
They hold the door open.
So they just get hit with gale force winds.
You had to come in and shit.
I had to come in and take a shit.
So I just sat in the toilet and took a shit.
And then they walked me back out through the party.
Oh, no.
They sat and waited while you shit?
I told Brittany to order pizza.
I'm like, order some pizza.
So she ordered stuff.
And then they just chilled.
And I took a dump.
And then I got back.
And they were like, all right, we'll take you back there.
I'm like, I knew how to get back.
I was laughing so hard at being like, taking a dump and going back to an Asian
pizza party.
It was so funny.
Asian pizza party.
Dude, it was crazy.
I opened the door to just nothing but a bunch of Asian ladies getting just like
crushed by wind.
And they were just sitting there like walking surrounded by three people.
It was the wind of the gods.
I got to take a shit.
There's 220 people out there.
This is fucking awesome.
No paparazzi.
I have to shit.
Please.
I felt, I was like, I could have just walked over.
No pictures.
Please.
I don't know why they did that.
That was very intense.
Because I was like, I couldn't have.
I knew exactly where the place was.
They're like, we'll see if we can let you in the side because it's raining.
I was like, oh, sick.
You couldn't just shit at the stress back?
I've shit in there before.
I did it the night before.
Yeah.
But everyone, there's like lines that, that line gets, that bathroom gets lined
up.
Yeah, that's tough.
And I was like, I got to go now.
That green room's tough placement too.
Dude.
Yeah.
Green room's crazy.
Yeah.
It's like being in like the back of a bathroom.
It's a little closet next to the bathroom.
It's like being in like the back of a suburban with somebody.
Yeah.
It's like the drunk of a shit.
Vinny, was Vinny there?
Yeah.
Did he come back there and hit you?
Oh yeah.
He hosted, he hosted two of the nights.
Yeah.
Dude, he was killing me.
Did he run the light?
No, he did.
No.
It's a common misconception.
That's what I'm saying.
Because he goes, how long do you want me to do?
And I said, do whatever the fuck you want.
He goes, it's your show, dude.
You tell me.
I'm like, I don't know.
Yeah, maybe he's aware of it now.
Yeah, he was.
That was a long, that was a thing against Vinny.
That's what I thought.
So he would always host and do like a half hour.
That's what I thought, dude.
He was.
And do another 20 in between.
He was bing, bang, bang the whole time.
And dude, he was cracking the whole time.
He pulled pranks on you?
Yeah.
Oh yeah, he's a big prankster.
He got me, the first time I ever met him, he pranked me.
Yeah, he did.
I was hosting for him and he was like, don't do anything about race or politics
or sex.
And I was like, that's it.
He was like, don't swear either.
And I was sitting there and I was like, I have to.
I have to.
And he was like, I'm just fucking with you.
That's hilarious.
Yeah, he, there was another, the guy from Bridgeport, Connecticut, his name's
Matt.
He's funny.
He was the host there.
He came to do a guest spot and him and Vinny had this like discussion of like,
who would
fuck up who?
And he was like, I would fuck this video.
I would fuck him up.
And Matt's like a, it's a bigger, he's a portly gentleman.
He's a hardy fella.
He's a hardy fella.
He's a big boy.
He's an ample man.
He's an ample man, dude.
And like Vinny's like, for some reason, he's like, I would beat your ass.
And they start going back and forth whose ass he would beat.
And then he told a story.
It was just, I don't know.
You know, it's, it was, the story just made me laugh.
I don't think anything of it, but it was like, he was like talking about, he
was backstage
with Robert Kelly.
And for some reason, he claims that Robert Kelly was like, I'd beat your ass.
And Vinny was like, I'd beat your ass.
And they had this thing where he like, that sounds very, he talks about, that
sounds like
Bobby.
Dude, he talks about beating people's ass.
And it's the, I don't know why he was making me laugh.
Everything I, every time, every interaction I had, I was like, this dude's the
funniest
dude in the world.
Anybody saying that's funny, particularly an older gentleman.
They're talking about beating people.
He went from talking about beating this guy's ass to beating his ass.
And I'm like, dude, what the fuck is going on?
You can get Phil going on that at night.
I can get Phil going after a couple of drinks being like, dude, that guy would
fuck you up.
And he's like, yeah, right.
Two hits.
Me hitting him and him hitting the floor.
He goes, I got two hands.
This is Pete and repeat.
If Pete don't get you, repeat will.
He's talking about beating up like Chris Webber.
I'm like, dude, Chris Webber would beat your ass.
That is such a fun conversation.
But yo, he can beat your ass.
He's like, the fuck you can beat my ass.
Can't beat my ass.
Also, it's NBA players.
I know.
Phil thinks he can beat.
He's like, yeah, right.
That guy's a punk.
Dude, speaking of punks.
What happened?
In basketball, you didn't see any of this.
No, it happened.
There's a race war going on because of women's college basketball.
What?
If you're white, you support the white chick.
If you're black, you support the black lady.
What's the race?
What happened?
This white chick, Caitlin, from Iowa, she's dominating.
Yeah.
Killing everybody.
But what does she play?
She plays basketball.
I'm saying, is she like a guard?
Oh, what position?
Yeah, she's a guard.
Do they have positions?
She's a guard.
I don't think.
Well, they have the biggest lesbian.
It just, yeah.
Iowa had a big lesbian down in the post.
Do they really?
Just fucking physical white chick.
Imagine her groupies, dude.
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
I could be reborn as anyone.
It would be a female college athlete.
Oh, yeah.
Just fucking stud.
But go, I'm sorry.
Go on.
Just a power forward.
One of the games at the end of the, towards the end of the game, in the game,
that Caitlin
chick scored and did the, you can't see me, to Louisville.
So, for some reason, the girl from LSU took that very personally.
You can't see me?
And was like mad at her.
She's like, I can see you.
Even though she didn't, yeah, she's like, I see you right there.
You're right there.
Don't play games.
You didn't like that?
So, then, yeah.
So, then, during the game, at one point, they're next to each other on the,
there's
someone else who's shooting foul shots.
Mm-hmm.
So, the chick just keeps going like this to her, which, fair enough.
Then, at the end of the game, LSU's up 15.
As soon as the buzzer sounds, that lady just follows her around, going like
this for a
while.
Okay.
And then started pointing, like, I got a ring.
The white chick was like, I don't, why are you mad at me?
Like, LSU won.
LSU won the championship.
LSU won the championship, and when the buzzer sounded, that lady followed her
around, taunting
her, instead of, like, we won.
Yeah.
So, what's the race for?
Everyone's mad.
Well, the guy from Barcelona, fucking Portnoy, tweeted.
He was like, classless, piece of shit.
And then, everyone's mad.
He kumia.
He kumia.
Well, I wouldn't say.
No, k