Name: Ep 438 - Full Zordon
Uploaded: 2023-04-14T19:42:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 438 - Full Zordon' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 438 - Full Zordon' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-14. Transcript available.

Ep 438 - Full Zordon

the wow wow west all right lemare you fixed the problem good job keep an eye on
that thing guard
dogs the superstar's already gone he's left our lives i know he's already out
big dogging on the
road he's on tour tour bus dude because you know how sticky it gets he's on
them big silver wings
dude carrying them across the country he is dude he's such a nice humble boy
every week just to
tease him so we're here with lamare lee the executive producer today the big
big shots the
bigger shot dude you should have seen him out dude out in boston way lamare i
heard bro i heard
i heard was that your first pop yeah i didn't i didn't really know what to do
it's a nice feeling
right i had a feeling i i actually said exactly that i said i'm sure when they
did it he was like
oh okay dude hi okay yeah oh it was very funny yes i gave him uh i told the
sound but given the
songs is very fun i was like go pull up for lamare i was like pull up kiss by
the rose at the most
dramatic point he walks up it was like i've been kissed by i make any time i
get to well i tell them
every time lamare needs to come out to uh simply irresistible we walk so autistically
and fast to
the mic i know there's no time it literally just goes simply irresistible hi
hello everybody just
said simply is the first time i gave him something but he was so fast they didn't
get to hear it i
forget what i gave him but it was it was so fast i was like i asked him would
you guys play it no yeah
he did but he was like right to the mic yeah he's quick so i said look keep it
up turn it up and let
him stew in it and dude it was like i've been just my baby dude it was pretty
tight he lamare hit me
with the uh was that you with the nbc song oh round ball rock yeah that gets
some people going i come
out to the nba nba nbc theme song no one thinks it's funny that's kind of nice
though i stand and let
it play for a minute no one everyone's like all right yeah thanks go start the
show yeah come on
funny music you've found out several times it's only funny to us i know i tried
doing like ambient
music like space lasers we can like barely hear it so they're like what what is
this
funny yeah anyway uh yeah dude i tell you about my death spiral no i'd like to
hear it dude i was doing
uh when i was i switched i think i told you this i switched the order of
everything i was like i got
to figure out like oh yeah and dude change up the order you're set you've got
to remember it you know
it's not it's not as like tight as it's it's not as easy as it looks folks you
gotta remember an
hour speech that's a lot dude it's a lot it's a time it has to make sense too
and it's like dude i
came out and just went i'm like all right i got this and then like two seconds
in i went wait what
was that first thing and i went oh why did i switch everything around i was
just standing there going
yeah uh yeah you know and dude and people i was literally my body was like i
don't know man
my body was like get off now and i had to be like no dude i can't end right now
i i'm convinced that
there's going to be a point where i just have a complete mental breakdown and
have to go hey sorry
sorry the show's cancelled i gave yeah you tell you guys i'm going home right
now you gotta pretend
there's near peace you go my dad just died i have to go there's a family
emergency my whole family just died
you understand my family got hit with a bus full of gay kids yeah please don't
ask for a refund
you understand goodbye i feel like it's one night guys it's one night come on
dude i'm telling you i
think i vanquished as part of my brain but it goes back to you have the dreams
where you come out
vanquished bro you come out yeah maybe he'll come back that's what i was
telling you i was like i'm i'm
in a good good spot yeah comments nothing's getting to me they get you next
week you'll see me like guys
stop what the guys well every time it's like it's like the arms race do you
think you develop like
the mental structure to be like nah i'm pretty impervious and someone crafts
this brand new weapon
you go i was watching mass casualties mass casualties i was watching one uh
read a video and it was in
the middle of it's just like hi shane and i was just like i gotta stop doing
this the videos yeah
anytime there's a comment that's like hi shane oh yeah that'll stop you in your
tracks yeah i go god
damn they know i'm a weirdo working on subreddits yeah that was fun it was fun
to overcome dude an
absolute like dude go leave you know i get the i get like full body waves of
panic that just like
start here and just go on stage i've gotten them before never before that bad
on stage ever my life
but i got them before from like if i like mix mushrooms with weed i get hit
with the most sinister
it was that level of like it's like it's like honestly like a demon passing
through my body and
i go yeah and i was able to stall then get my feet i was proud of myself i had
one like a month ago at
the stand i don't know why there was a girl in the front row and i said
something making fun of her
and she was like oh great and i felt so bad and i didn't care but my react dude
my face got dark red
and i started sweating like crazy and i couldn't look at her as soon as she
said all
great i was like looking at her i was like uh i just started staring at the
ceiling the rest oh
man yeah i mean you're playing got off stage i was like it's hot up there right
man the host was
like no i was like dude i think i'm dying something's very wrong i'm dripping
in sweat
and i on it like a 10 minute set i was covered in sweat yeah it stinks man when
the when you know
dark red face on stage an embarrassed face they're terrible crimson dude she's
crimson so weird dude
you're playing with like archaic like biotechnology where it's like hi being in
front of like 25 people
your organism is going like or even if it's yeah god forbid hundreds if not
thousands your organisms
going like dude we gotta get out of here yeah this is why are all these people
staring at us they're
gonna eat us get out get out your body's going no don't do this yeah your brain
goes back to me you
need to that's why it evacuates all this oh yeah piss and diarrhea before you
go on stage dude it's
guarantee a can of snakes it is you sit down right before people are like dude
that was quick and i'm
like yeah yeah it's one spray of out of my ass and then it's like all right let's
go on stage
pardon me i have to spray a horrific spray of out of my ass the physiology of a
sick dog before i go on
slinking around the green room yeah do you drop vicious diaries sometimes
before you go on stage
no i poop before i go home or before i leave the house oh really yeah yeah i
try i do too
and then i go and i sit there and i go hold on a second it's like yeah hold on
i'm nervous my
stomach's upset i think like a duck in the top granted i just got done eating
some buffalo bites
and i'm nervous hey i throw some dip in there yeah true some skull that'll
settle my stomach
but it was good it was good overall i don't want to paint the wrong portion but
in terms of an inner
i haven't had that intense of an inner episode in a while and i went like whoa
that was a crazy arena for
it there's like you know it's only four it's four seconds and it feels like 40
minutes and you just
go like hey no i lost my mind everybody knows i'm retarded no problem dude it
was yeah either
everyone in the crowd can see i'm a giant buffoon they're right it's not that
good
that comment was right i'm better at podcasting than stand-up
dude boston was pretty nice dude we stayed in uh south boston oh you're south
southie bro dude dude
as i was talking the whole time i was talking about this walking around i was
so tough dude the whole
time were you listening to dropkick murphy's no i should have i was just
walking around i was i was
going back like pre i wanted to tap into like 80 south east so i'm like no
music i'm walking around oh
nice the fuck's his problem yeah you're like what's that guy a vietnamese i was
telling him i'll get him
mark i was i was telling him i was i know it was like i saw an asian dude and i
just went yeah you're
like don't dude i'm mark walberg that's it that was all that was all i thought
i'm mark walberg
but dude i was walking stay out i was walking around being like dude this i was
like this place is
not tough like this place has gone soft as well southie dude it's been like
completely developed i can't
believe you're talking about south i was dude i was walking the streets just
being like dude i didn't
see i didn't see a single soul i don't think anyone lives there anymore how
does how does boston get so
many movies it looks every movie's from boston because it looks cool a bunch of
white that actually
i know the answer it's the last white tough city that's what i'm saying so
white people that's good
for the that's a big blockbuster yep white people love to see whites being
tough that's exactly what is
a tough white place but dude i was totally tough white movies dude gran teresmo
just a white guy just like
get out of here to hell get out of my neighborhood i'm tough white didn't he
stay there yeah he was
yeah he stayed and then they he marky marks a bunch of asians moved down he was
like what are
you guys doing in my neighborhood get in my garage yeah they're in there doing
their math homework
dude the uh i'm walking around it's like i'm like i might honestly be the
toughest dude here
i thought i was you might be the toughest kind so dude no they have they got
the they have the
heroin bros kicking around they're hiding i went to a target and it was like 10
o'clock at night
and i was like all right i was like 9 50 i was like i'll get a couple things
and leave
they hit the lights they just cut the lights yeah so it's like it's not pitch
black but it's dark so
i'm like all right let me get out of here i'm like pushing my cart i'm like
they'll probably be like
you know i was thinking there was going to be like parents or someone there who
like ran out of time
getting stuff it was dude it was literally seven heroin addicts in like just
different shopping carts all like
going about their business shopping dude i was checking out it was just one guy
just being like
did you excuse me that's a tough white dude dude that was it was a it was a
polite it was a polite
heroin addict that's nice it was kind of nice he'd be like i'm sorry about that
he was completely just
lost dude and there was a couple the whole time it's gotta be tough to be a
heroin addict and still have
like self guilt like guilt and like aware that you're causing a problem intense
he was intensely
aware of the fact that his presence was a burden on but it was just because no
i've never seen one
that has that awareness dude the other two there was a couple it was a you know
doing a girl the
dude just kept going like baby they the hair white heroin addict dudes talk
like like 30s jazz musicians
they're so smooth they gotta be babe gotta keep your babe in line dude exactly
he kept being like
baby don't worry i'll get the juice for us honey baby come on baby we got some
stuff outside they really do
all right now steal that we got a heroin out outside i'm gonna do some heroin
in five minutes
and she kept trying to pop steal those dunkaroos
steal that box of dunkaroos baby ah they locked them up
we stole too many dunkaroos man gushers they get a box 24 bag of gushers just
heroin and gushers dude
they were talking about snacks he was like they love snacks i like the cherry
ones like actually let me
see if i have any cherry ones you like babe put this shirt on it looks so good
on you you're wearing the
shit out of this shit they're like picking gear out and he'd be like baby come
here a good time
it was the good time they were both about the screaming documentary they're
gonna be in rubble
in rubble dead in rubble dude not from a collapsed building after the building
collapsed when laid in a
they just wake up and start or pull 