Name: Ep 439 - Poky Puppy (feat. Mark Normand)
Uploaded: 2023-04-19T20:44:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 439 - Poky Puppy (feat. Mark Normand)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 439 - Poky Puppy (feat. Mark Normand)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-19. Transcript available.

Ep 439 - Poky Puppy (feat. Mark Normand)

the wild wild west hello got a lot of chlamydia cured at that city md oh nice
they do good with
that yeah you know oh geez sorry it's an urgent care urgent care you want to
start over you
it's out there not recently years ago in my heyday yeah they cured your chlamydia
one pill
knocked it out i was supposed to have it i didn't have it oh someone called me
like you have it and
i was like i went to the doctor like bro you're good dude yeah men don't get stds
that easily i
think it is harder for guys to get it one time i got shit in my dick that'll
get you yeah and that
hurt yeah that's like leprosy it was bad it was a throbbing pain you had shit
in your dick yeah in
the dick hole how much shit you need in your dick to go like to need to go
there very little teeny bit
tiny amount like a bb ah yeah how much shit was in her pussy tons who said it
was a lady
true sorry for us to assume so you inhaled a lady and your dick got fucked up
yeah and i i didn't know
what it was i was because it hurt right um right away you know when you get an
std it takes like two
weeks yeah or something to kick in this was right away and i went to the doctor
and they were like
well you passed all the tests you might have shit in your dick that was the
diagnosis that's a city
yeah uh you might have some shit in your dick
yeah that was the thing that stinks but they give you a pill and it goes in and
kills the shit
what yeah it's pretty impressive i need that right now so i don't have the shit
so i can yeah i need
that pill to kill all the shit in my body i would take it every day i don't
know i enjoy a nice dump
yeah true but neutralizer would be powerful yeah i gotta shit like hold on
actually fuck it let's go
i'll take this pill dissolves dissolves the shit that's true road trips yeah
yeah comedy clubs oh
yeah god especially in the city that's the worst oh the cellar you get into the
cellar and you're
like fuck i gotta take a shit i'm here for the next five hours yeah i have to
shit at the village
underground and you have to shit next to an audience member who saw you come
out and they're like hey
big fan yeah can you pass the toilet paper nice brutal dang yeah i just dumped
out at uh jfk this
week did you really two days ago at jfk no regular packed fucking bathroom dude
foot to foot with a
fucking immigrant i heard a dude in there taking piles together international
shooting too it's a whole
different world there's always a fucking foreigner like washing his face yes
brushing his teeth
every time doing the nose hairs i heard a dude handling business in an airplane
bathroom the other
like like sitting there i took my end so i had a two-year-old like to take a
yeah so i'm
sitting there like all right get on the toilet and the guy was you hear him
going like
i didn't realize because i was getting it from like a two-year-old's
perspective dudes are in
there like moaning groaning oh yeah dude the guy was headphones you gotta block
out your own
explosions i couldn't i was in there that must be what's going on the guy was
on the phone he goes
i'd like to ground swell with them see if you get oh my god literally moaning i
swear to god i'm not
making it up on a business call being like yeah let's get the leverage there's
a power move it was
crazy dude but yeah people like that they've never it sounds like they've never
shipped before
the shits are so explosive in an airport it's crazy dude you think they were
stitched up like an
african bride that's what it feels like they were smuggling yeah i loved i love
to see the boys washing
their face oh yeah shaving kid out on a disgusting jfk counter it's an old asian
man doing jumping jacks in
front of me yeah i was i was startled dude because i was she was like
commenting on people's shoes and
like he has blue shoes it's like dude chill yeah that's code for you it's
actually the last thing
you want to hear don't do that right because i'm thinking that while i'm taking
a i'm like
hopefully no one recognizes me when i leave oh they see my feet and hear me
dumping yeah so
i'm gonna be like he's it's the guy in the white new bounce yeah no one even
offered up anything she
was like offering like talking about the people's stuff next to us not a single
like friendly like
haha it was just people just your daughter yeah how old two-year-old oh man
sorry three she's a
three-year-old yeah hitting just like non-stop commentary on everything that
was occurring i was
like dude i don't know what i would do stop i don't know i'd probably yeah i
guess you gotta laugh
i'd come into the stall and look yeah watch out come get you i'm gonna your dad
i'm gonna rape
you and your dad i'm gonna rape you guys i'm gonna your dad a little trick yeah
that's fun my foot
touch your dad's foot we have to have sex huh so what do you do do you beeline
to the stall you
don't want her seeing any random dong you just go right to the stall it wasn't
too bad taking dong
i don't know like a lady a girl little girls can take a little girl they have
no idea what they
don't they truly don't dude they're like around three they start to kind of how
come yours is
different yeah they'll around three they start asking questions and they'll
stare in a way that you're just
like dude i want to cut my dick off right now yeah then they're babies you pee
and it's like
whatever in one day they just go you're like yeah that's enough yeah get out we
would sword fight me
and my dad yeah hell yeah you guys do that yeah he would do it over the
shoulder too when you'd be
behind me you guys didn't do that you got some dribble doing that dude he was
good he had a laser
beam there's no way you don't catch dribble on the way out although you outlast
the kid your piss
is longer than the kids oh yeah i was out of there so you were already out of
the firing zone my mom
used to read me books when i took sometimes that's the best damn and i remember
the very last time
being too old for it and be like can you read one of those books and she was
like it was like for whom
i'm on chapter 38 can you start from page 276. she's just holding your phone
for an audiobook
yeah having a book right to you while you're taking a dump it was nice awesome
it was one
of those i forget what they're called it was like cardboard books with like the
gold oh yeah yeah
whatever those were i know i remember it was like the pokey puppy or something
i used to love the pokey puppy this is like 2013. that just came to me i haven't
thought of that
title in forever i gotta google what that looks like pokey puppy you gotta get
that put that on
there as your bathroom reader i don't know that one i never heard of that
either yeah the pokey
bobby little puppy what was the pokey puppy out dude don't worry about it look
at it with the
cardboard and the gold binder yeah i closed it like a dumb ass look at that oh
that's a dude how cute
now i got a little golden book classic wow that's what they were called i was
curious what they were
called a little golden book that's pretty fun that's a good mom right there but
yeah i didn't
realize school teachers oh there you go she's used to it yeah true is she out
now she's retired she's
out she's retarded good she won't get shot true she did get out before all the
shootings oh yeah yeah
true yeah you see there was a girl who got uh misgendered and she's like five
it was like a
kindergarten class and she got misgendered the teacher got fired really they
shoot the teacher
she got fired damn i bet she must have been that teacher must have been being
aggressive
i don't know you're a boy yeah apparently he went in and did like a how you
doing girls
it was a girl oh no and that was that easy yeah give it a goog wait so it was
all girl school and
they got missed yeah well she said not everyone here identifies as a lady jesus
christ well then you
can't be in this school yeah oh it's all girls that's crazy oh it was a girl
who was a tomboy i
guess i'm a tomboy i like to climb fences and play sports and my dad how dare
you i think tomboy's out
identifies a tomboy i got a slingshot i play with frogs i'm i'm a lesbian i'm
ten
i'm in the bullpen she's in the bullpen dude yeah dude just getting ready to
get out there she's
scissoring you can't you got a guardrail yeah i think it was in new york yet
was it that makes
sense like this one says new york teacher forced girl nine years old to use
male pronouns causing
suicidal thoughts whoa wait who forced the girl to email the teacher that's why
i'm wondering if it's the
same i'm not sure might be a different story uh it was last month oh this was i
think they sued the
school oh man sued the school yeah yikes what a bunch of losers that's crazy
dude yeah if you read
if you watch any of the old disney movies now it's like a full like essay on
apologies about everything
is like this look guys we fucked up i got and i got the tiger woods golf game
you have to select your
identity your pronouns as in when you create a golfer you select your pronouns
what for real
would you say he him dude my guy's a boy that's your right my guy's nate marshall
i created nate marshall
it's he him i play tiger woods with nate marshall so how's the league work if
you identify as they them
what's the i don't know i don't know if they put you just dominate women's you
could just join the lpga and
dominate i'll drive everybody by 200 yards there you go yeah there's been there
who's the uh there's a
male powerlifter who entered some sort of like people have done this a bunch of
times but recently
another one came in there was a trans woman who smashed the record then he
smashed the trans
woman by like 150 pounds walked away the trans woman was like that guy's an
asshole he knows what
he's doing oh he just smashed the record walked out like later that's pretty
funny the record before
that was another trans really yeah yeah i think so that's gonna be nice to
break another trans's
record though yeah yeah like what's progressive just trans league just have a
trans league
trans league would be sick dude trans league would be sick just create a third
league what's that
the monsters yeah say it into the mic guardrails
the superstar the guardrail he's been gone yeah where have you been you've been
out touring big shot
you like i see all those pictures you posted you're the funny man in the group
yeah he's smoking cigs he's doing this
he's like yeah i smoke cigs i guess i'm a little young to smoke cigs but
you know tour life yeah tour life it was fun yeah you had a good time it was
nice you get laid no no no
he's a girlfriend i have a wonderful girlfriend yes he's a beautiful habibi
team he did not get laid
indian no she's egyptian habibi arab oh sorry no it's okay
oh man arabian it's all going one place yeah you know what i mean who even
cares i did the peloton today
and there was a lady who appeared to be i would imagine she was mixed black and
white she did a
classic rock ride the whole time like can you believe i know this song i was
like take it take
it easy yeah relax take it easy just pink floyd wish you were here it's like
you know hit song
yeah it's not crazy that it was like can you believe i know this and it's like
could be related to george true
peloton how is that you got to get a subscription yeah yeah it's only pretty
nice i got one back
there really yeah it's nice i want to try it it's nice you put on the tunes it's
pretty nice i like it
fun fact about peloton their sales went up when they raised the prices really i
love like that true
did you ever play the game mike's bikes in college you guys go to college for
business
we had to play a game called mike's bikes and it was like it was like a
business simulator where
you could do like super expensive bikes middle line and super value bikes and
you had to run like
a analysis of like how you did as a businessman and we had uh we had like a lot
of african
exchange students there this one guy would take he would try to name the
business he'd be like
let's call it real