Name: Ep 443 - The Disgusting Brothers
Uploaded: 2023-05-17T19:56:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 443 - The Disgusting Brothers' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 443 - The Disgusting Brothers' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-17. Transcript available.

Ep 443 - The Disgusting Brothers

wild wild west lamers all over my goodness gracious man let me easy my goodness
gracious
man matthew how are you pretty good dude i got i got a lot of rave reviews
about last week's
podcast a lot of people said it was a very they liked it yeah a lot of people
said it is i did
the stand-up comedy shows in denver people said hey i like this week's episode
i said hey thanks
guys thanks fellas appreciate you for that it's nice to get some positive
feedback once in a
blue moon in real life you get positive feedback real life you do get positive
feedback very rarely
does somebody come up to you and go yo that sounds like the guy i hope he's not
faking but he definitely
is he always has his hand in his pocket there's no way yeah he's got the fart
meister what a good
fart meister though dude they used to make those fart machines and they sucked
i know i guess technology
you could probably get a real deal chat for gbt no no make it so i myself make
it sound like
i'm shitting so i can run by people in central park that's the best way it
worked it worked for me yeah
at first i thought they were real and i was like this is the funniest dude of
all time yeah
and then i quickly realized i was stupid at least well the first one will get
you though oh my god
i got it farted in the tunnel in central park that's easy it's just hollywood
magic after that you
go oh it's just holly weird duped this is holly weird dude this guy's a phony
dude he's a
fucking sellout those aren't even real farts i want to smell them we're just
talking about a guy i
was looking i was on instagram just crying like i got in the back of an uber
yesterday and cried left
for 15 straight minutes to a fake fart machine it'll get you man yeah it's a i
mean they remain the
funniest things yeah real or fake yeah farts continue the way the way in those
videos that
women like women are scared are afraid of loud farts is awesome i didn't i didn't
know they were afraid
of them dogs with thunder true if i fart loud enough if i fart loud enough my
woman will go hide in a closet
yeah we need to get him some thunder vests under clothing yeah get him a
thunder vest when he farts
they just so i could chill out a lot of people are putting their dogs on like zoloft
and shit they're
like they're afraid of fireworks it's like yeah don't give that guy a fucking zoloft
yeah although
actually i take that back well i was no i was always heroin i was always way
like that's ridiculous and
now like jackson's been being so bad and i'm like i'm just gonna fucking like
chemically drug the boy
motherfucker yeah yeah there's shitting everywhere i just want to fucking
render him yeah you want to talk about
shitting everywhere yeah why i went home oh no i went home on sunday yesterday
two days ago
i got home my parents are in florida they just left tibble open house tibble
dude it's house party
he they left him a pile of food and left he's been munching all of it he's just
sitting there munching
and shitting everywhere dude i opened the house and i opened the front door the
house stunk like
shit i was like holy walk in there's three different piles of just in the
kitchen there's piles of in every single room in the house the cat shits six
times a day oh
it's not about the litter box filled with and puke oh they gave him too much
food he's just sitting
there yeah walks around throws up shits goes back it lays down dude they're
gonna kill him when they
get home dude did you pick the poop up i did uh there's a mother there's gonna
be more there
yeah that was now he's he's still open to open house until wednesday he's gonna
be so much trouble
when mom and dad get home oh god you must have had a party there's so much here
you had to have
had other cats here there's no way one cat shit this much you can't kick you
can't really beat a cat
you can hit a cat i mean you can but it's like they're so quick they might
fight back
a dog you hit usually they're like they get sad and yeah you hit a cat they're
like that
motherfucker yeah and then they sit and wait they'll get you yeah wait till you're
on a business call
that jump and get your arm god damn it god damn it
are you all right yeah you got a cat
just shit all over my house cat just attacked me yeah that's uh
that'd be a fun prank show of just leaving like fake dog
shit everywhere all over house and someone comes in see how quickly someone
kills their dog
we admire jackson had diarrhea almost every single morning for i swear to god
it was a month he was
protest dumping well he was he just got like they would cry in the middle of
the night and he gets
so worked up if people are crying or upset he gets like it fucks him up oh and
he will if
you like bump your knee you're like you're sitting there he'll like run up to
you and like
sit against you oh that's such a sweetheart but when the baby he's an empath
dude when the babies
was crying he would get so spun out downstairs and he would just start shitting
all over the place
because he couldn't get up there and do his thing yeah he's emotional support
my parents just keep threatening with death to do it i mean they're right dude
it's been a decade
they're not going to kill this cat they have to it's been close to a decade and
they're they're not
they'll do nothing what about a trank dart he's pretty much tranked during the
day
yeah he does he's a cat he just lays there all day yeah true and at night he
goes out yeah that would
be if if if an animal shits in my house more than like like jackson i gave a
hard passes i love him
but like if he kept that up for a while i'd have i would have done it i would
have you know yeah but
it's also it is a cat turd true it's nothing compared to a giant like a fat fat
pimples diarrhea
oh it's so gross man yeah that's yeah i feel like if a dog shits in your house
i had i had a cousin
who had a really old dog who like them they went away for the weekend he just
like got up on their
sectionals like he was like old and sick like no one's ever gonna be here again
this is finally my
house dude i've been dying to shit on this fucking couch yeah he had like
tumors and
shit and we just kept getting like oh yeah my one cousin was like dude i gotta
give him something
that's when they killed my old dog buckus did they when they started she
started diarrhea in
the house yeah it's like immediately was a guy that's it yeah done it's so
nasty dude when it is
dude when you you see the mighty mississippi just diarrhea oh it's so it is
heartbreaking when you
see an old dog shitting like that yeah with the third day in a row you're kind
of like bro yeah way
sadder than when a human does it yeah like when an old person starts shitting
you're just like ew yeah i'd
fucking fucking go beat the shit out of another person if i was a jamaican
orderly i would just
wail on every fucking geezer dude just my big fat arms dude just like
knock it off mr runston you're shitting like a baby
look what you've done now you're on yourself come here boy grab his ear that's
awesome that's how
that's how we all go eventually you will be getting your ass beat by jamaicans
dude if you live long
enough you will get your ass beat you'll get beat to death by jamaicans imagine
not remembering like
your family at all i just think wait what you're just in constant hell oh there's
some of the jamaicans
now dude they're gonna they're gonna go talking about us now
i mean business you gotta give it to them just beating up old it's i think it's
kind of like
circle of life stuff dude yeah you're old you're like an old white dude you've
dominated for a long
time it's like just let old jamaican lady wail on you for like the last 10
years of your life
you know what i mean i think it's fair is fair is all i'm saying yeah i'll take
it like a man
yeah so you're saying we're done with we we do have reparations so we can stop
the debate
the reparations are you get to beat the hell out of all of our grandparents it's
kind of it's kind of
like a dunk tank or guys like get out of my room i don't know who you are it's
like
because old white people go to their retirement home and they are racist they're
super racist
i've seen it with my own eyes dude yeah they get in there and they're like she's
stealing from my
room again they're like mr johnson i get it old white dudes the governor flies
off and they get it's
full yeah well also you don't remember what room you're in the only other
person that comes in your
room is that woman yeah you're like i used to have a corvette where the did
that go
it's god damn it it's like it's like my neighborhood
what the hell oh yeah it is funny though if you were like it if if you were
genuinely
like an old white dyed in the wool as racist as you could possibly be and then
your last
moments on earth are just black people being like get up do this this isn't
what it's supposed to
what the hell it wasn't supposed to be like two million dollars your kids are
living off of it you're
just on a bed of people screaming and beating you where did i go wrong you
gotta just go yeah you gotta
go true it is it's just so funny to think about because that did happen to a
lot of like so went for
a lot of people yeah my grandma was in her home yeah it's like yeah you hit you
caught i don't know
if she was getting her ass beat yeah i mean obviously she might have she could
have she she was pretty
fucking lippy dude she was she was lippy as dude i almost clocked her dude she
pushed me for ice i was
like did you give it like a little ice machine i was like what are you doing no
i'd like stayed still
when she was like trying to push me i didn't push back but i like but yeah you
flexed up
you became a mountain yes god damn i became i became a goon she was being a goblin
yeah it is that is very funny to think about of like you like you were like a
1950s not even so
i would say like my grandparents were born in like 1920 maybe 1918 so you were
30 during the fit you were
in your full form during the 1950s and you were like yep i like what they're
talking about with about
everything and all of a sudden you're walking you're just in a room you have no
idea where all your
money is my television go your tv's that was just watching the giants
somebody must have stole this tv you worked your whole life as hard as humanly
possible
and all of a sudden you're like where did all my money go fucking herpes what
did i do for the last
yeah oh yeah fucking chlamydia from orderly's
do you think the clan you think the orderly's ever no selling oh yeah i think
they yeah i mean the
handies must be that must be crazy dude you're talking a decent looking grandma
comes in you're
working the night shift oh i'm thinking the other way around yeah i know but i'm
saying as a man i doubt
the women are i'm saying selling handies but yo give me a reverse mortgage
sign your house over to me i'd be like bro it's done yeah why did i take
everything i've
yeah i'm in a bed dying i'll give you everything you want yeah handy
one more it's gotta be crazy too oh my god i'll give you a buffalo nickel
there's five dollar nickel come here yeah yeah you'd be on great depression
prices so you'd hit
you the price of the hand you go what the hell i bought my house for sixty
dollars
the hell that's what that costs out jesus christ
i used to walk five miles for the snow and get a hand job for a penny dude or
five miles to the snow
sure that was a depression era beach yeah jibbs took a absolute he's gonna be
able to tell his
kids about that his adopted his adopted asian children he told me the other day
he has sex
with ladies he has sex with women yeah he has sex with everybody he's about
holes
yuck you should be careful with that it's still coven still going around you
gotta be careful don't
spread covid to bud covid you don't spread covid to like straight ladies
you laugh but kobe did ravage the gay community the poc and gay community way
more than whites did it
really get the kobe get the gay guys a lot probably i'm sure the new