Name: Ep 451 - Damn Things Fine (feat. Tom Segura)
Uploaded: 2023-07-06T03:08:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 451 - Damn Things Fine (feat. Tom Segura)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 451 - Damn Things Fine (feat. Tom Segura)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-06. Transcript available.

Ep 451 - Damn Things Fine (feat. Tom Segura)

the wild wild west wait till the camera gets okay sorry sorry hi we're here
with tom segura
hello nice welcome thank you welcome to the podcast thank you for having me we
were just uh
we're just recapping the beer olympics which i thought was gonna be fun yeah i
was invited to
that i couldn't make it you dodged a bullet because that sucks yeah i think i'm
gonna see
those guys tomorrow no they're the best guys yeah but man if you get that many
football guys
together it gets it's yeah it got so competitive you need them to do it with
themselves it's like
trans athletes you guys do your own thing and leave us out of this it's not fun
anymore two women
we're good in the women's league yeah exactly everyone's like shane and bird
are gonna win
not nowhere near no flip what were the things it was like beer pong flip cup
beer ball which you just
throw a ping pong ball at a beer can okay and you gotta that's that was me and
bird's worst because
you have to scramble to pick the ball up oh me and bird can't bend down
and the other dudes the other dudes were so fast and trying so hard that's the
thing they don't
dudes out of the way diving on the ball casual no when it comes to like a
competition yeah yeah
you know if it's lounging or it's like you're hanging out you're like this guy's
a regular guy
yeah and then it's like who's who do you think is the best at this and that
just asking that question
alone yeah changes everything and that uh oh the chug i blew it at least so the
opening the opening
event was chug a leader so i think that's like three beers yeah and i was like
this is the one thing me
and bert have a shot at yeah uh i tried to chug as fast as i could have just
went straight up my nose
i have to stop i was such a bitch dude i was a
was it a bubbly carbonated was it carbonated uh yeah i mean yeah getting up
your nose is no
fucking joke no i tried to power through it and i stopped it i was like you're
wearing my nose
bubbles in your nose it was uh nothing to sneeze it was it was so embarrassing
i was just a fat
all day then i'm so glad i didn't get it yeah you dodged it dude although you i
was also bringing
a lot of it on myself i was cheering you should have called the cops because i
was trying yeah i
threatened i threatened all the tricks dude i said if you if you put your hands
on me i'm in your pool
dude don't come i said i have a gun in my car i'm gonna kill everyone
uh i have an ar-15 i'm gonna shoot everyone in here if you keep bullying me
what is the uh so wait
what's the what's the pro line up there it's uh who was it yeah he was in it um
so the winners was
george kittle and deforest buckner oh jesus christ deforest buckner is a freak
dude you see that guy
you're like holy yeah these guys are already tired no what no they're like pro
bowlers and they're
gonna play yes and they're getting hammered too yeah yeah they got yeah so it's
like so it's like not
only that that level of athleticism but they're also fueled they're fired up
yeah they're fired up and
then so like i you guys know me if somebody says something mean to me i try to
say the meanest thing
possible yeah and uh if you do that to those guys it's a they will resort to
violence
they will immediately go to violence how are they tempered it was it like just
like headlocks and like
taylor gave me 10 different headlocks he made me tap 10 times and i was like
dude i'm gonna tap every
time stop doing it and sometimes he wouldn't listen to the tap i'd be like dude
for real this time
oh and you're a big dude which is not even i mean i was i was a baby no but i
mean it just goes to
like about like how what other level these freaking freaks are i suplexed him
yeah i hope they got that
on camera i was i got him a couple times in there there you go let's hold him
underwater at one point
you know me in the water dude i said come down to the deep end dude creature
little hippo in there
so kiddo kiddo and buckner one and who else is there uh it was will will and
taylor yeah uh the guy
that really did the most physical damage to me was a guy named james neal he
was a he's a retired nhl
player uh and he i thought he was joking we were playing pool basketball so we
were shoving off the
ball pushing kind of as hard as we could i thought he was joking at one point
while i thought we were
joking he grabbed me by the throat and nailed me down i was like dude i thought
we were joking and he's
like my bad my bad on that one i was like holy yeah you're describing a
scenario in which everybody
then goes where's tom because i would have left like i would have been like
this yeah bert was on
bert was backing off a little yeah could you goaltender he did not play pool
basketball
pool basketball wasn't the event we were just playing oh yeah yeah yeah i could
see bert being
like i really didn't like when you choked me yeah yeah yeah i didn't like that
i didn't like when
you shoved me also under water getting shoved getting shoved dude don't shove
me by professional
shovers too like yeah true a guy that literally one of the best taylor the one's
one of the greatest
shovers yeah of all time and he's shoving you he was shoving the out of me dude
it's so bad
i've cuts all over my back from the wall oh getting the walls against the
concrete wall you basically
this is an advertisement to like hey don't invite anybody who's not one of you
like to that thing ever
again yep it's your greatest fear you go up to dunk and pull basketball and
your older cousin just
shoves you into the wall i went up for a dunk and a dude tried to swat it and
just hit me straight in
the face oh jesus yeah i called a foul there's gotta be one foul here because i
just got punched in the
face this is uh what it really sounds like is like a bunch of a group of big
brothers we're like let's all
invite our little brothers over yeah and them up for a day that's this was the
first experience of mine where i was
the little brother because i was i was always big yeah so i was never the
little brother that you
could do wrestling moves to yeah this was the first time guys were strong
enough to just
fucking ragdoll me for but i was hammered right so nothing hurt yeah nothing
hurt until the next day
and i was like oh my god covered in bruises it's a cool part of my identity
being like a suplexable
little brother yeah that's all i knew growing up i got beat up the entire time
older cousins and
brothers yeah and you got you got big cousins yeah i never got that i had
sisters i was just beating
women like yeah like my that's kind of nice it is fine sisters too fifth grade
is when things turned
around in the house yeah that's when i started dishing out yeah it was
wrestling then i was big into
wrestling at the time so i was like i can do moves did you ever bridge both of
them at once they were
in like they're like seniors in high school and you're like holding them home
and a fifth grade boy
was like come here beat them up in front of their friends yeah so friends would
definitely their
friends would beat me up too when i was a young man let them do that you're
playing they used to hold me
down this was one move this lady used to do was hold me down put my foot i'd be
flat on my back and tuck
my foot into the back of my underwear whoa so you can't get it out you just
have to roll around like
a little pig on the ground you were showing her how flexible you were i'm so
hard dude oh i forgot about
that that's a nice memory did you ever have she had older sisters yeah you ever
have a sister's boyfriend
punk you out or like try to hurt you i did no i had one time where you know i
was always kind of
a smart ass yeah so this guy comes over and i was like oh so you know i forget
what i say to him but i'm
just like it's not like really mean but i think he was just kind of a dummy so
when i'm like oh yeah
how's uh how's the season going you guys doing all right and he was i'm so he's
an athlete he's an
athlete he's thinking that i'm i guess like i i'm either mocking him or talking
to him like
an older man would yeah and he was like he's just kind of like cleaning the gun
the whole time and
uh yeah nobody else sorry sorry that's for that's for me popping popping on the
couch the couch is
against the wall it's usually but everyone is out of the room like they so it's
just me and him for a
second and then he just he was like he just looked at me and just real quick
just punched me in the
stomach yeah yeah i cried yeah i cried i was like and i just were you nicely
being like how's your
season going or were you yeah he he was just taking it i i get it in a in a
sense that that he was like
why is this kid that's like a couple years younger than me being like because i
was like and i kind of
like i sat like on the arm of the couch i was like how's it going man yeah and
i think he was like
how you doing champ i think he was like he was waiting he was thinking i was
setting it up i don't
think i had said something particularly but he he thought i was like and
everything going on right
there it's class and then he just went like back like that and i was like like
that i cried dude i
went in the other room and cried like so he couldn't see me cry but i totally
cried yeah yeah someone
came out to date one of my older cousins and we were like i grew up next door
to my cousin so there's
10 of them and six of us so this guy pulled up to like take one of my older
cousins out it was just
a bunch of little kids and we like found his keys he left them in his car and
we just hit him from
him for like hours and this guy was trying to take our cousin out he couldn't
he was furious yeah
finally like yo here you go dude we're with you and he's like what the yeah you
guys are the
you get the whittakers he was lord of the flies it's like which one of you took
my keys obviously it was one of you
dynamo's just running around that would destroy you internally yeah yeah as
your keys are like and
there's so embarrassing you gotta check the couch at a stranger's house and
then everyone's just like
what are you gonna sit down you don't know where your keys are for five minutes
yeah we snatched them yeah this guy who's this guy this guy the pool basketball
was a mistake
overall fun trip yeah yeah and here's where things went south i was a little
drunk obviously from the
beer olympics not that bad i took ketamine oh you did i didn't know that part
oh wow at the olympics at
the end after the after the thing on the way we went to take move it was it was
just somebody cool
was doing it so i was like i want to be cool yeah we were driving over i was
like i'll do some cool
stuff too and uh i've never been in i've never done ketamine what was it like
it i did too much oh you're
in the hole i literally i got out of the car held onto a truck i got out of the
truck and just held on to
the side and i was like i'm going home i'm not going into the party i have to
go home i can't walk
and people it was at zany's so like were you drinking and doing ketamine i was
drinking yeah
and then i took the kid i mean i stopped drinking as soon as that happened yeah
and then it was at
zany's in nashville so a bunch of like comedians the owner was there this is
just a party an after
party yeah and all these comedians like shane hey what's up and i was like hey
how are you guys
my god like this guy's got a real problem i'm on ketamine i took ketamine
everyone's like ew
i'm gonna go home is what's it is it a comparable high to anything like is it
no i don't know i don't
it's like a disassociative yeah like it makes you leave your body i did it i
did it once like a
little bit so it wasn't it was like just great yeah and then that was i did a
lot i can't get high in
any social setting though i didn't enjoy myself but then i went home and when i
got thrown in the
pool my wallet was lost so i didn't have my room key or my id to get into the
hotel so i'd sit in the
lobby until bert got back because they had it what so i'm just sitting there i
can't move i