Name: Ep 452 - Heinie Burp Culture
Uploaded: 2023-07-13T20:08:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 452 - Heinie Burp Culture' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 452 - Heinie Burp Culture' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-13. Transcript available.

Ep 452 - Heinie Burp Culture

the wow wow wes oh my gosh oh we're live yeah gardini hot mic'd us gardini
finally i was taking
my clothes off dude he hot mic'd you and i had to put on the versace dude how
could you how could
you wear anything else i'll be honest man i bought this as a as a bit before
before the ufc fight
yeah i felt like a moron the whole time all night i thought i saw the picture i
said that looks so
good on you i felt i mean now you see it in person how's it look great i think
that shirt looks great
on you i think you should wear nothing but versace how do you say how do you
pronounce it versace no
i say give me that i can't even pronounce nothing no i think it's versace yeah
but i felt like a real
dumb ass why and then i was sitting because i was just did you buy in a casino
are you out at there's
shops at caesar's palace right isn't that what it's called it's kind of cool
though that's like a gold
brick you could literally trade that shirt and have sex with a lady a prostitute
but you could at any
point shed give her the shirt off your back but now i'm shirtless and leave a
nut on her you could
trade this for one ejaculation yeah that's not bad though just walking around
with that and that's not
just uh ejaculation that would be yeah that would be a thigh squeezer just yeah
what have i done uh
you're going to college with this right you're sad to see your beautiful you're
wasted away i'll tell
you what i felt like wearing this sitting there drinking a beer looking like a
idiot and people
were because we were sitting i was in rogan gave me the ct sit like so i'm
right there on the cage and
people are sometimes against where i'm sitting getting the shit beat out of
them at the beginning
there was a guy looking at me he was like a guy was on his back and you know he
wasn't distracted
he's not thinking about me he's you know he's thinking about what he's doing
but his eyes were
just locked on me while he was getting like strangled against the cage and i'm
just sitting there like
and i thought of you know that scene in apocalypto where the guy's about to get
his heart ripped out he
looks up and just sees a fat kid dressed he looks up and sees that fat baby
just like
i felt like the fat baby from apocalypto the entire time i felt terrible
your last you should have been yeah i should have started screaming i should
have started screaming
orders yeah like get his left leg extend your right arm like it's all it is it's
twister the whole time
people are just you know everybody in the arena thinks they're a coach yeah and
like you've got it
now move your right arm above his shoulders shrimp yeah oh everyone's doing
that the whole time yeah
there's guys just randomly like stand go sprawl sprawl you think they absorb
there's people that absorb
the tap out shirt and they're in there they become it they become it and they're
behind like railings
which is really funny to be like 30 yards away behind a railing screaming out
orders to a guy
just getting shows getting choked to death well then if he gets out it's like
he heard me yeah he heard
me i told i told him to do that yes the dudes that go to hockey games and yell
shoot yeah it's the exact
same shoot it shut the up dude yeah holy he listened to exactly what i said he
shot he scored i told you
i could be out there in rebox with this guy making hundreds of thousands i
should get out there that is
cool they should have one guy who has nothing to do with the fight who just
comes up to you and just
fucking squeezes you after you win oh just let one guy into the ring a
professional hugger yeah
nothing to do with the fight i know some guys that are pretty good at that
really there's a whole
community of them down syndrome guys you get those boys hugging in the ring
after you get 10 of them
in there it's like baby we done it damn like balloons at the end of the concert
just release them dude
i mean the place would go wild dude go insane the place would go while it was
all mexican it would
have been lads and the bros they're going insane god and then you don't even
know who's who because
then you go out in the midst of your fucking the the acolytes squat man the acolytes
come out all your
devil's devils come out and then you just disappear and rogius is going where
the hell did he go
back to the mountain dude he's back he's back to the misty mountain back to
mount olympus we've all
been duped again there's just a versace shirt on the ground like where the hell
did he go he vanished
oh man that was uh that's awesome i gotta say that was probably the craziest
coolest weekend i think i've ever had how was the show thursday sucked yeah uh
friday was great
you're going right back to fucking back to the another paradise yeah we're like
this is like
the underworld of las vegas yeah this is truly without the glitz of glamour
this is just the
voice thank god it's just one day one day in and out but uh yeah i mean donald
trump true
that was pretty sick what was his what was his whole vibe his vibe was just
complimenting every
single person that came up to him with no knowledge of who they were he would
just say you're doing
great you look great wow you look great that was it that's all he said i didn't
have time i was also
i got you too i got pushed by secret service i went like so i was sitting with
jamie and jamie was like
dude you got to get a picture you got to get a picture i was like i can't dude
i can't walk over there
and get embarrassed like standing in line like please yeah and of course that's
exactly what
happened the first attempt what yeah i got i had to sit back down and everyone
was like
nice shirt wait how'd you how'd you try to how'd you try to uh because he was
sitting on he was like
to the left of the cage i was on this side and i was trying to trying to weasel
my way in there but
he's surrounded by secret service damn how hard was the show how hard was the
show not hard but it
was enough like what are you doing yeah the guy came out was like you can't you
definitely can't
be on your service for life yeah i think so what yeah that's kind of cool but
it was like
bill clinton still have secret service everywhere all the time yeah definitely
damn uh
right yeah yeah i would think so yeah what about like how far can you go back
who's like
i guess yeah i guess jimmy carter just die i think so that guy's still going
yeah i think
someone assassinated if he died no he's dead i think he just died jc is dead or
he's dying no
or he's dying well he's probably dying because he's 98 years old yeah he is
dying
we're gonna lose dude madonna's he's still going he's still going jesus christ
yeah madonna is dying
dude did you see madonna's they had madonna has like a blood infection in the
picture in the news
and they talked about her blood infection they used that picture from two years
ago where everyone made
fun of her face yeah for some reason all the newspapers use that picture she
looks like a wet fish
she's insane dude her face is soaked she's so wet looking i don't want to make
fun of a dying woman
i don't think she's dying but i think she was like severely critical like in
the critical condition
yeah and every newspaper told the story and then flash that crazy jesus christ
yeah i think she is isn't she yeah you can't get somebody if i was in a shark
cage and she swam by me
i'd say yank it you'd be like get it up get us out of here dude
yeah she has yeah she's got enough surgery she's yeah she's a deep sea organism
they're gonna see her with one of those submarines i mean that that is that's
such a nice dragon to chase
you get that first surgery and you're like oh my god it's all in my hand i can
be anything i can this
is i look great and you pig out you look like a fucking wombat you're like what
the dude people
lose their the plastic surgery is so funny because it's just like a tattoo
cover up artist the guy's
like yeah i'll take 40 000 off you here's what we're gonna do and then you're
like oh they're like
fuck off dude yeah i'm sorry like the last guy us i didn't he did a he used a
three inch
fucking stint on your nose yeah oh my god yeah you just gotta be like no you
look good
they're like true really like yeah i did a good job everybody's lying you look
hot as
all right thanks you walk outside you're like damn it yeah the picture she's
lying to me
but yeah i got the donald dude so how'd you end up getting how'd you strike
back on him the secret
service started to they're like all right dude we'll get you oh we're gonna get
it done we'll
find the exact perfect time that's gonna finally like all right go go now's
your chance you gotta
go i was like all right this is it i don't want to do it i don't want to do it
and jamie was like
you gotta go you had to go and then finally rogan turned around was like you
gotta go dude yeah yeah
that's awesome got a quick pic got the out of there yeah and he just said he's
complimenting you
yeah he just said you look great how's everybody that's awesome no i didn't oh
my mom's doing good
my mom and dad are at home my sister
he should have went on until he's like get out of here no i didn't even think
about
posting that picture why i don't know i think some people were mad about it why
i posted it and i
think people were like what the fuck dude but you know there's no way dude it
was a couple people
were like what the fuck i was like i thought it was clearly funny like people
in a versace t-shirt
with donald trump yeah it seems like the funniest your instincts are correct
dude i knew it was right
i mean dude i like didn't even consider it and then i got back and somebody
texted me it was like
proud of you dude all that post it okay i was like oh oh there was like people
being somebody was
like privately supporting me and i was like i didn't even consider that it was
a thing that would
matter dude it's not 2016 yeah 2023 yeah and like yeah it's crazy yeah yeah bro
that's anyway that so
this dude if someone's hating on you with the 45th president and versace shirt
it sounds like a them
problem bro that's a big time that's a problem that's crazy that's funny to see
that and be like well
here's where he went wrong with this it's like i don't know with the literally
just the last president
in a versace shirt ringside it's like oh man yeah maybe maybe that maybe he's
turned he might be
on to something maybe flip the eyeballs back around well here's what i would
have done yeah i would have
said fuck you yeah no you wouldn't yeah i would have been wearing a potato sack
and been like fuck you
i'm donating all my money to charity yeah that's shit's fucking weird yeah also
that is a tortured
existence though to just be like to just check something and be like he shouldn't
have done that
yeah dude that's insane i know i suffer from it yeah i had to pay the piper too
wow i had to sit next to
goggins the entire fight oh do you see him a week i sat with him the whole time
did you really yeah
it was cool he's probably the man yeah he was we were pro goggins to be fair
yeah we recounted the thing
i did i have been critical of his job what boats yeah oh he's always like i'm
going to carry the
bucket boats it's like you're training you didn't read his autobiography that i
didn't read it yeah he
didn't he didn't let the boat drop everyone was letting the boat drop during
hell week and he said
he got up in the guy's face and was like oh i was wrong dude he is the man i
dude i honestly i watched
that and i was like i was just i was going all right crenshaw's got beef with
the goggins he's about to
expose goggins and i went not convinced yeah crenshaw got crenshaw kind of got
beat dude and goggins has
on his podcast he has a dude who has to respond motherfucking to everything how
many times like
22 motherfucking times thank you yeah it's so funny he is for real that intense
i went in there just
completely like i don't care who wins this battle and i went and the battle
goes to goggins yeah stuff
kept coming out yeah dude the new weirdest