Name: Ep 453 - Tough Guy Heaven
Uploaded: 2023-07-26T19:03:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 453 - Tough Guy Heaven' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 453 - Tough Guy Heaven' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-26. Transcript available.

Ep 453 - Tough Guy Heaven

the wild wild west how my mother freaking god back in the hands of a consummate
professional
sean gardini throwing up hearts man i'm just throwing up fucking oh illuminati
i'm fucking heartogram right now you're heartogram you might be bam i might be
the devil dude let's
get it started i am i have a bam face right now dude i got fucking i got bam
face myself dude i
got hungover fucking bam faced i feel i feel bad from the hangover yeah you
look good thanks dog
usually when someone's hungover they're weak in the eyes your eyes are blazing
with intensity
your eyes are blazing with intensity of purpose right now my purpose is to
fucking plow through
this podcast so i can play video games quietly yeah it'd be fun though if we
die and like you
get to actually do like the real life review they talk about it just be hours
it's like
what why are you sitting on a couch right through it was like talking it was
like podcast kind
of thing it helped people some people had helped well people had really boring
jobs there was
also people that fucking hated us yeah people's work was so boring that rather
than sitting there
focusing on their tasks they were talking about people talking about listening
to people talking
about nothing for my life yeah that does give me a joy though it gives me a perverse
satisfaction
what that looks i've always hated every job i've ever been at and the fact that
we can mentally
liberate people for just two hours fuck yeah i do enjoy that that was that was
like that was like
uh that was when i got into opie and anthony yeah i was i had a job my friend
brendan hooked it up
right when i moved to philly i didn't have any jobs and he he was like he was
like manager he was a
manager at an apartment complex and he was like i need somebody to just come
assemble
fucking ikea furniture in every single room of this gigantic complex day after
day just show up put
together and all i did was listen to podcasts and i actually that's kind of
nice loved it yeah just
listening i didn't the joy of podcasts it is a joy sorry you triggered me i was
thinking of ikea you
said assemble ikea furniture i was just thinking of my wife yelling at me about
the instructions the whole
time she dude she's always like you got to read the instructions and i'm always
like fuck that and
then i fuck the couch up i do i bring myself a world of pain every time every
single one up i told her
that's the point of it i was like then you realize you fuck it up and then you
fully comprehend the
couch it's like if i just do the instructions i'll never comprehend you fully
see it dude you go
i'll never see this movie he's gonna get it i gotta see it uh yeah i i don't
think i've ever put together
one piece of furniture without it being completely fucked yeah i am i don't fix
it you leave i'll have
a fucked up piece of furniture in my house for four years
there's a tilted table you can't sit on that yeah don't touch that just put
together a chair that just
it's a decorative chair at this point yeah she crushes me with that because
there's sometimes i like
we i put together stuff like outdoor stuff and she's like you're missing this
bar and i'm like
yeah but it's like you don't even need that structurally it's not totally
needed sit you didn't even notice
yeah over time i'm like we're gonna throw this out in six months it's ikea
furniture piece of shit
yeah we're gonna fucking break this someone's gonna sit on this it's gonna
break and we're gonna throw
it out and forget about this chair forever isn't that weird though i thought
about that before how
like as stuff stuff there's like more stuff to be had but i feel like stuff is
genuinely getting kind
of shittier like couches are shittier and cheaper because every company is
trying this couch is
obviously a classic italian leather but every car as every company tries to go
the most expensive
item i have the couch is beautiful it's actually a nightmare of a couch oh this
this couch is comfy
it's comfy to lay but to sit with like your seat yeah to conduct business
conducting business in this
couch this is a this is a turkish couch dude this is a lounging man's couch
just like an opium den couch
oh yeah so i should have just eat figs no but dude it's like is every company
strives to further the
bottom line everything gets shittier like every house has plastic composite
floors which by the way are good
flooding i'll give them that but it's like everything gets shittier and faker
so i guess people get like
trillionaires will just be buying like lego houses in the future yeah it's like
jerking off into a virtual
sock which what the fuck now that i say that did you prepare that no no i think
about this all the time
every time i go into a new ikea i'm just like you off into a virtual sock
but where's the cum go then so on your fucking into another dimension dude on a
plastic floor
true actually that's yeah you think they'd come up with like a strict
containment thing for that
jizz yeah we're in the wild wild west of jizz containment
you think you think it'd be like a i'm not ready i'm not ready
by the way to the folks listening i woke up at one
i woke up to uh they're here i was like oh yeah to be fair i'm jarred out of
sleep every single day i got
woken up today with my kid just kids in your face banging your head no no they're
in the room
we have they're totally contained and locked up i woke up to this my one
daughter's going
oh oh and it's hitting her head against the door and i was like jesus christ
just wake up like you look at a monitor and like oh she's slamming her head
against the wall
fuck we gotta get in there i'm pretty sure that's a bad thing that's bad
it's a hollow door so you just gotta sit against it and go boom yeah just
rocking it it's like dude
come the fuck on those kids they do they have a concept of the surveillance
state that they live
in yeah they think my daughter thinks that she your big brother dude you're
you're like daddy she thinks she thinks there's a robot that watches her in her
room
that we can like we'll talk in a robot voice like maya please go to the
bathroom and she'll like she
listens to this robot but if i'm like hey what's up she's like daddy come down
here right now so you
have to do a robot voice and she's like yes robot she's so nice to this fake
robot that's how that guy
tricked that remember that that like there was a netflix show about a guy who
tricked a girl he was
like he fucked like the whole family and then he said he was an alien or
something oh yeah no you told
me about that he said he was an alien then he like jerked her dad off he jerked
him and the dad jerked
each other off he fucked the mom he fucked the whole family if somebody hacked
that surveillance thing is
like this actually is a robot i could see myself stumbling into a gay hand job
just being like hold on
who's out there watching tv that guy wasn't wrong for that yeah like wait you're
an alien like you
need a sample i mean the fact that he the dad he jerked the dad off and then
the guy's kids he
fucked the guy's kids his wife oh my god all the dad do all the dad had to do
was just say no to that
hand job i know all he had to do but once he said yes to the hand job he was
locked in he's locked in
yeah sick yeah anyway i like i like where you were headed with uh cum
containment and the future of
this nation i'm saying you think there'd be a little thing like sheets
obviously sheets could absorb or
repel it or just like like mercury would all just bead together real quick and
it's you know like
quicksilver come yeah they figure out sheets where like come just like mercury
mercury and yeah and it
comes together in a little glob and you just go and shove it off your bed and
it turns like
dust on your floor
we would use a room that comes around as vacuums it and he's blacklighted it so
like some type of
adhesive or like some type of like your lube congeals with the jizz to make it
that's a good idea
yeah that's a good idea too to have your jizz the lube is a good point the lube
could have some type of
chemical i'm still caveman dude what do you mean just turn yeah you still turn
on your side
yeah you still let it rip onto the shirt i'm more aqua play i'm more of a
shower man pretty much
you get the temp right you get the temp right on the shower head dude if the
shower head's hitting
you it's like it's a beach bro that's a beach you're corona i use the shower
life and i yeah that's the
other thing too it's like every you're gonna start low with the temp because
like yeah you like acclimate
to the warm temperature of the water so you start chasing the dragon you get
into like a real hot temp and
you're like bro i've come too far so you got to start low if you're going to
try to burn play
if you're going to try to catch the temperature of the shower to simulate a
woman's mouth
you're going to you're going to acclimate to it you want 98.5 yeah but i'm
saying you're going to
get used to that you go i need to feel that warmth again so you keep heightening
the temperature of
the water little by little until you're just boiling your bird dude
what you know what i'm talking about no you get in the shower a beach you never
simulate it
use the temp of the shower while fapping in the shower you have a shower head
yeah i'm not using
an attachable i'm not a pervert i'm not using it i'm just i'm just standing
under the water that's
that seems worse why i feel like a detachable is like direct but you're burning
you're going to
shoot it up your butt obviously you shoot it up your butt dude that's not gay
it's not at all
if you were jerking off and shooting it off your butt that is
no no i'm saying you got like something important to do get the detachable
shower head just shoot it
up your butt real quick then head out the door head out to start the day yeah
that's normal i'm saying
you're the the water's just falling on you and you're just you're you're fapping
your backs to
the water because because then when you put your if you're fapping into the
water it's you hear the
the pitter pattern you can hear someone that that cursed you your brother
hearing you jerking off
has cursed you you know that though if you're fapping in the water the water
falls a certain way
and it's very noticeable it's like water you know what i'm talking about the
water accumulates the water
accumulates and then it just goes it sounds like you're just dropping buckets
of water
yeah so i don't jerk off in the shower oh brother that might be the future i
hate jerking off in the
shower do you really yeah love it bro water is too it makes every it fucks my
dick up
it's like having sex in water it's that's fucked up i hear what you're saying
on that yeah present uh
you put your back to the water you do put your back to the water back to the
water i've never
even considered this you're being held from behind i was a lay down in the bath
jerk off
you can't jerk off in a bathtub i certainly it's impossible to come in a
bathtub when i was a young
man back when i could fit in a tub now i'm like president garfield whoever that
guy taft
yeah i'm thinking when you when your balls heat up from the tub you can't crumb
you can only stroke i
mean put me wrong unless you've crumbed in the bathtub i mean it's back when i
was at my height
of crumbing i could crumb anywhere in the tub i crumbed in the tub not taking a
bath laying down in
the shower you just laid out an empty bathtub yeah point the shower head as low
as it goes so it was just
like on my feet oh that's different i'm talking about being summer which by the
way respect because
i'm not into aqua play when the water tickled your toes and fafted my titsies
were getting wet
i told you i got into historical play for a while where i like went back just
thousands
a year into bc mode where i'm like i can go anywhere in my mind why am i
staying in this time
time frame and i went back to like ancient egypt and faft as a young prince
i was young you never told me 