Name: Ep 454 - Sedona (feat. Dan Soder & Nate Marshall)
Uploaded: 2023-08-02T18:04:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 454 - Sedona (feat. Dan Soder & Nate Marshall)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 454 - Sedona (feat. Dan Soder & Nate Marshall)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-02. Transcript available.

Ep 454 - Sedona (feat. Dan Soder & Nate Marshall)

Wow, wow, Wes.
Hey, Sean, if you would have fallen.
That would have been the best.
If you would have taken out your fine china,
if Cardini would have fucking wrecked your china.
Took out the camera.
The bug thing I got.
And then just a bunch of I'm sorry's.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Matthew's not here.
He's getting nose surgery.
Did you get a nose job?
No, he broke his nose.
What are you doing?
He was body surfing and he smashed his face.
Wait, really?
How bad did he have shattered his nose?
Did he have the black eyes?
Yeah, he was fucked.
So it's going to be a big reveal when he gets here.
Like, I think they take it off.
That's today.
He's getting his stints out of his nose today.
Do you think his family's going to be around?
And then Billy's going to be like, what the fuck?
I told his lovely wife to film him
when he was post-surgery, thinking it would be funny.
But he was fucked up on drugs and he was furious.
He was mad?
Yeah, he was high on.
He just got out of surgery.
He was like, get the fuck out of me.
I always come out.
He goes, say hi to Shane.
He goes, is this what you wanted, you sick fuck?
You've got to put that video on the Patreon.
I can't do that because he's like, he's fucked.
He should have done the thing where he's like, hand me a mirror.
He's like, Jack, like Joker or Batman.
He's like, what did you do to me?
Yeah.
They should sit him up.
What if he sounds different?
He may.
He's like, hey.
That's crazy.
So he broke his nose that bad?
Yeah.
He sent me the x-ray.
He was, yeah.
What the fuck is body surfing?
He's just riding a wave.
Oh, just sat in a wave in the beach?
It's laying down surfing.
Yeah.
Lay down surfing.
Yeah, but no board.
What?
He's just riding the wave.
Just him.
Like a fish?
Straight into either a person or the ground.
There's no board involved in body surfing?
No.
He goes like, he's just waiting.
You know what a thing when you're a kid.
Yeah, he died with the wave.
He shattered his nose.
He shattered his nose.
Damn.
In front of his family.
He was talking.
He was like telling his kids like, hey, watch this.
The blood just coming down.
Yeah, he came up like, oh, fuck.
This is the whole fucking goal.
Dude, that's fucking tense.
Yeah, that is intense.
So he had the surgery today.
So he'll be back next week.
He'll be back next week.
With his new nose.
Yeah.
He's going to be looking good, dude.
He's going to be so hot.
But you've seen it?
No.
I mean, yeah, I've seen what he looks like now,
but it's covered up.
He's got a bandage and it's taped to his face.
He's like, dude, this fucking sucks.
I can't wait for that reveal.
I hope he shows up like it looks just like a classic fake mustache.
Just give him a honker.
Either a honker or a fucking Michael Jackson.
Just a little tiny.
There's nothing.
A little tiny with a little nub.
Oh, what if he like whistles when he breathes?
Like, what if they get one of the airways wrong?
So it's like, see?
He's pumped on it because he's had a deviated septum.
And he's very excited.
I'm very jealous of him.
Yeah.
Because I can't smell.
I have no smell.
You need a whole new nose.
Dude, but in the doctor's like, we might have to do surgery.
Because if I pull my nose up, I can smell like a little piggy.
What?
Yeah, I took...
Katie had a nail polish remover.
And I was like, look, nothing.
And she's like, stop doing that.
You're still breathing.
So I was like, I can't even be touched.
I did that during COVID.
I was like, I can't smell anything.
And they're like, you can smell, dude.
You're lying.
I was like, I took a bunch of bleach.
I was like, nothing.
Nothing.
And they're like, dude, you should chill.
But I was doing that.
And then I pinched my nose and pulled it up.
And I was like, oh, there it is.
Really?
Yeah.
So I don't know.
But every time I go to the doctor, they're like, there's nothing we can do.
I got to give that a shot.
I think, for me, it's the same shit.
But I blame it on weed.
Like, just the ears.
I don't know if that actually has to do it.
Well, I smoked cigarettes for so long.
That's what it was.
I just would always blow through my nose.
Yeah.
You know, I'd always exhale like this.
That's sweet.
That's the best way.
It looks so cool.
When I was in middle school, I really just looked like I was going through it.
It's great to be like, pre-algebra's tough.
Damn, dude.
I'm jealous of McCustard's going to be able to breathe so well.
Yeah.
Yeah, I have a DVA septum too, but I try not to bring it up because he's very
serious about his.
Oh, he like out serious?
No, he's just serious.
I don't care at all.
What do you mean?
I have it.
I can't breathe out of this nostril.
At all.
Actually, that was perfect.
Maybe it's that one.
No, that's the good one.
Don't you ever think about it?
Maybe I don't have it.
Don't you ever think about opening it up, though?
Just a classic mouth breathing.
Dude, this whole episode should just be nose breaths.
Anyway, we got that going.
You know how they edit clips?
You know how they edit clips together where it's like...
Yeah, they got me on one of those.
You know how they get Macho Man with those?
Yeah, they go...
Yeah, they got me with one.
Where it was like the mushroom kicks in.
He's like, yeah, yeah.
I love the one when you and your boy get a bag.
Yeah, he's like...
And it's him and Hulk Hogan.
He's like, oh, yeah.
Dude, there's the one that's going around now of old school Memphis, Tennessee,
Macho Man,
where he's cutting a promo and it says, when you're drunk on Coors Light,
telling your nieces and nephews about it.
And he's like, I played baseball, yeah.
I was very good at it.
Yeah, it's like an old, old Macho Man promo.
Dude, where'd he play?
He's playing for the Cardinals.
Yeah.
Cardinals drafted him.
Damn, he must have been flying out there.
Dude, check this shit out.
He threw his arm out and he was so athletic, he taught himself how to throw
with the other arm and move from pitcher to catcher.
Yeah.
Damn.
He's like, yeah, I'll just do it with the other one.
Meanwhile, with my good arm, I'm like, I throw like a girl.
Dude, hitting a homer off of him and him just being like, God, I pulled you off
the pool of the slider.
Is this the pitcher losing his shit?
Yeah, you gave it away.
You gave it away.
You know, I don't like to grow.
So I saw baseball.
I went to a twins game during COVID, so it was like empty.
That's awesome.
And I got the, you can hear the pitchers fucking lose their minds when they
give up a home run.
No way.
Those dudes spaz, you know, and they put their glove on their face.
Fuck.
There's an empty ballpark.
Everyone's just like, whoa, MLB needs to bring that in.
Yeah.
Get it.
Mike, Mike, Mike, like they mic up the wrong players.
Mike up a pitcher when he fucking lets it.
Because there's no way you feel anything but that.
Yeah.
All right.
I got to play this because we're talking pitching.
It reminded me of this Rocker.
Rocker's marks on our show back in November.
Me of Outrage Met fans.
Do you remember John Rocker's quote?
Dude, I remember exactly.
It's crazy.
He goes, why would I want to go to Shea Stadium where I take the seven train?
Yeah, yeah.
Which is filled with a woman with seven of her kids, a guy with a pink mohawk
who probably
has AIDS and he throws batteries?
She's queer.
Am I getting it pretty close?
She was very close.
Rocker told SI he would never play for a New York team.
Here's a recap of his most inflammatory remarks.
Quote, imagine having to take the number seven train to the ballpark, looking
like you're
riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer
with AIDS,
right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right
next to some
20-year-old mom with four kids.
It's depressing.
And about New York City itself, Rocker said, the biggest thing I don't like
about New York
are the foreigners.
I'm not a very big fan of foreigners.
You can walk an entire block in Times Square and not hear anybody speaking
English.
Asians and Koreans, Vietnamese and Indians and Russians and Spanish people and
everything
up there.
How the hell do they get in this country?
I think.
Who's that?
It's John Rocker.
Old picture for the Braves.
He's Kenny Powell.
I think it was, I think Colin Quinn on Weekend Update, because they brought out,
they like did
that joke or whatever, and Colin goes.
Well, the guy's definitely been to Queens.
But then that was Will Ferrell's like one of those first breakout things.
Really?
He showed up on Weekend Update with the Braves jersey on the hat.
He's like, I'm John Rocker.
I throw heat.
I throw heat.
He was just like, I can't find it.
I've been looking for Will Ferrell as John Rocker.
It's an interesting connection, because that was because McBride and McKay did
Foot Fist
Way.
Yeah.
And then that led to Kenny Powers.
He's Kenny Powers.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anyway, it was making me laugh of the biggest thing I don't like is foreigners.
Dude.
I'm not a big fan of foreigners.
How the hell did they get in this country?
You can walk a block and not even hear English.
My favorite is the reporter voice saying crazy, crazy shit like that where he
goes.
And he said, quote, these gross ass foreigners be smelling like cooked chicken
hearts.
The main thing I don't like about New York is the foreigners.
I'm not a big fan of foreigners.
Dude, what's Rocker up to now?
Balling out.
He's got to have a car dealer.
I got an autographed Rocker jersey.
Do you really, Bryce?
Yeah.
That's fucking sick.
But they just blessed you with it?
Yeah.
Really?
No, not really.
It was a comedy club.
They were like, what do you want?
I was like.
A signed Rocker.
If I could get anything, an autographed John Rocker jersey.
Dude, I would take, I would take, you know what your next one has to be?
A signed Scott Norwood Bills jersey.
What's Scotty Norwood up to?
Trying to forget about 1990.
Trying to forget about 33 years ago.
Yeah.
That has to be one of the toughest fanhoods of all time.
Bills?
Yeah, that three straight.
I'll tell you what.
They're not liking your boy right now.
Who?
I was on Santino's podcast and I told a story, which was true, about when we
were walking through
the parking lot of the Bills Dolphins playoff game and this lady came up to me
and I did the
accent.
They were mad because I was like doing the accent like I was Canadian.
They're like, that's not how we talk.
Well, you talk like a fucking asshole.
So there you go.
But we were walking through the parking lot, dude, and it's a very Bills
friendly pot.
Oh, I know.
I'm making my case right here.
This lady was hammered.
By the way, Bills fans were talking shit, but they were like, nice.
Yeah.
They weren't like Philly.
Yeah.
It wasn't like we were legitimately worried for your safety.
And they were like, oh, you guys want to see the crate?
This was a playoff game.
Also, they kind of knew.
But it was Skylar Thompson, but they were mad at us.
They're mad at me because and this is a swear to God, 100 percent real story.
We're walking through the parking lot.
This lady is tailgating.
And she goes, are you guys going to leave if it's 35 to nothing at halftime?
And I went, are you going to kill yourself if Skylar Thompson beats you in a
playoff game?
And she just goes, that's just being a Bills fan.
Like the immediate, I hate God on my dead father's grave.
McDaniel's wife will testify that that happened while we were walking to the
stadium.
We were right in front of the stadium and that lady did that.
She just went like, hey.
We were like not even close.
She's like, hey, you really Dolphins fans?
We were like, yeah, yeah.
And she was like, you guys going to leave if it's 35 to zero?
When I said that, she's like, nah, it's a Bills fan.
And then just went back and they all gave it.
I was like, that was the nicest.
I broke character.
I'm actually a 49ers fan.
That might have been the sweetest.
I just saw the damage the 90s did to you, right?
Yeah, they are.
They're like, they need a Super Bowl just to get back to zero.
That's honestly, it's a lot how I am at a N