Name: Ep 455 - Heebie Jeebies
Uploaded: 2023-08-09T20:33:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 455 - Heebie Jeebies' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 455 - Heebie Jeebies' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-09. Transcript available.

Ep 455 - Heebie Jeebies

Wow, wow, Wes.
Keep an eye on that shot.
Now he's pressing that red button.
Yeah, he'll never forget.
He's eager. He's going to go, you've got to press that red button for it to
work.
What are the biggest mistakes you can make in the filming industry?
It's not recording.
Not recording.
Cutting someone out of frame.
Eating constantly off camera loudly.
The only thing left for you in the film industry to do,
the next big thing is to be like horrible sexual crimes.
That's the only other mistake you can make in the film business.
It's like coerce women.
Even the Weinstein's press record.
This is out of control.
In my mind, you're worse than a rapist.
At least rapists don't waste my time.
Is he still in jail at Weinstein?
Weinstein, there's no, he's like El Chapo, dude.
He went out of the fucking bathtub.
Didn't he have a defective, totally defective dog?
Yeah, that was one of the, yeah, they brought that in front of the jury.
Everyone was like, look at his fucking gross penis.
He's definitely a rapist.
Yeah, but couldn't he be like, it didn't even work?
My dick doesn't even work, dude.
He could have.
But I'm sure it didn't really work out.
Yeah, he got made fun of for having a weird penis.
Yeah.
On top of the entire country.
Live by the sword.
Live by the sword.
Die by the sword, dude.
Yeah, you live by the deformed penis.
You die by that.
Goddamn.
It's good to be here, dude.
It's good to be here live from an Airbnb in Westchester, Pennsylvania.
You're back, dude.
Home of the BAM.
The Rams.
Home of the fucking BAM Rams.
Yeah, BAM is, BAM's cool now, right?
He's good, or is he still at large?
I have no idea.
According to, I think he's chilling.
Nice.
Blizz reported a sighting.
Really?
Yeah.
When did he see?
Blizz said he saw BAM in Westchester.
Nice.
Like two days ago.
Nice.
It's good to be back right away, reaching for something plastic.
Jesus Christ.
Get a water, dude.
Yeah, just open it up.
It's totally fine.
We'll wait.
We'll halt the production.
Anyway, it's good.
Oh, I should have used that water for the fucking neti pot.
No, dude.
You need distilled water.
That's distilled.
That's purified water.
Bottled water.
Maybe.
I'd have to see.
They say you use specifically distilled, like nothing in it.
Yeah.
Because you can get a brain infection.
That's what I heard.
You reshamed the brain infection?
Yeah, I used fucking Westchester tap water.
No.
Yeah, I had no idea.
And then I got done, and I told people yesterday, I was like, I used a neti pot.
They're like, did you use distilled?
Oh, no.
Because you can die from that.
Bacteria gets in your brain.
I was like, that's impossible.
True.
And then I Googled it, and some guy in Florida died from it.
But I think he was swimming in a swamp.
Yeah.
And they're like, we don't know where this bacteria came from.
Probably the neti pot.
I don't think you get ocean water.
I've got ocean water way up my nose.
Yeah, dude.
I think I was kicking around when it broke my nose.
I was like, damn, it's probably ocean water.
Speaking of noses, dude, you're back on top.
Right back.
Yeah.
It'll be good.
It's airflow, bro.
That's my deviated nosh.
I hear that whistle.
That's clean.
That is clean as hell.
I can hear that.
I got to get the neti pot out.
You got to get it back out.
Get some pond water.
Yeah.
Get a whole microorganism.
I'm just going to get pond water.
Yeah, dude.
Fill it with worms.
Yeah, they say to put like salt.
You can get some salt water, too.
Or you can boil.
If you want to boil, you can boil.
Yeah.
You can boil up some tap.
I didn't feel like doing it for a long time.
Yeah, true.
Also, with a fucking deviated septum, it doesn't really work the other way.
It takes a minute, dude.
It didn't.
It was very slow dripping out the good nostril.
Yeah, true.
And that one was fucking...
It halts, and all of a sudden, it's like...
Yeah.
I think that's one of my favorite feelings in the world.
Having this liquid pour, like boogers...
It does feel good.
...and liquid pour out of my nose.
Oh, my God.
You got to get it.
You ever tried one of those earwaxed ones?
No.
I'd like to.
I haven't either.
To pull the earwax out of your nose?
Yeah.
Did you just point at Sean and say it was him?
You guys got to work on your bond, man.
Yeah.
It's so cutthroat right there.
Lemisey's still here.
Unbelievable that this guy's still here.
I know.
I got an important mission for him coming up this week.
You do give him missions, which I do appreciate.
I'm sure he appreciates.
The missions?
I mean, he's...
He does missions.
He's the best.
What type of missions do you have for him playing?
Or does he not need to know?
Oh, I know you got to clear out that beach house.
Oh, well, no.
That could be a Lemisey.
That could be a bash.
He would just turn that into a party at your house.
He had a little party going.
You had a party going?
To your brother...
Him and his brother partying.
Yeah.
Ice cream in the fridge.
I threw all your junk out.
You guys got ice cream in his house?
He had orange cream sherbet ice cream in the fridge.
Or like orange and cream popsicle ice cream.
Wait, they went to the beach house or your house?
My house.
What did you guys do in his house?
We were just watching TV.
We were just watching anime.
We usually hang out on Sundays and watch anime.
It was pretty wholesome.
I had to throw his junk away.
Did you use ice cream in anime?
Yeah.
That dude, that fucking...
I can't argue against how nice that is.
Orange cream sickle ice cream, dude.
He laid a trap for my wife.
I had to go, no.
Don't eat that crap.
Don't eat that crap.
She was...
Dude, she kept opening that and being like, oh.
That's how it goes.
Yeah.
If you have ice cream in the fridge, which only women do.
Yeah.
They're going to go...
8 o'clock, they look after dinner and they go, I'm not...
I shouldn't.
Creamsicle ice cream, too?
Start watching Netflix.
10 p.m. rolls around.
They go, I'm going to have...
You go, what are you doing out there?
Why are you scooping that in the dark?
Oh, dude, yeah.
I immediately threw it.
I love throwing away sweets in her face.
Like, here.
This is what is junk.
Just throw it in the trash.
Don't do that.
That's a waste.
That's aggressive, dude.
Throw it in the trash.
I'm like, you're not going to want...
You don't want to eat this.
Yeah.
Just taste it and spit it out.
True.
True.
Why do you have to swallow ice cream?
Women should be...
Every woman should be bulimic.
That's not even bulimic.
That's just being...
That's just being smart.
No, I mean, swallow it.
Enjoy it.
But...
But that's...
The weirdest part of that is like...
Spit up.
Why do you need to, like, completely incorporate that into your physical
existence?
Taste it and just go, that's all right.
And spit it out.
You can go throw a whole gown of ice cream.
You can munch it down to liquid and just go, get a spittoon.
I like that.
What is it about swallowing and incorporating the food that makes it so pleasurable?
That's a weird part you don't think...
I mean, it's usually your animal instincts.
Yeah.
The best part is just like...
It does feel good when it hits your fucking throat.
Although they say...
I read a thing recently.
They said 55% of your calories are spent just pushing the food down from here
to your hiney.
In your body?
You mean what you burn off?
Yeah.
Just by moving that food around.
They claim that half the calories that you eat are getting spent just pushing
it down
to your butthole.
They don't know what I'm eating.
To your butthole.
True.
Yeah.
It might never make it down there.
Yeah.
True that.
Just stay somewhere.
True.
Your belly.
Your cells.
No.
Not if I've been taking that...
Yeah.
I still can't remember what it's called.
Syllivan?
Syllum husk?
Syllum husk.
So is that corn?
Is that just grounded up corn?
I have no idea.
It just blows your ass out.
It feels great.
Fuck.
That's so tight.
Taking massive shits.
Oh.
That's all I want.
Thanks to Syllum husk.
Syllum.
I'm regular.
Dude.
I'm telling you what.
I was on those...
I mean, I wasn't even on real opiates.
I was on fucking Tramadol.
Yeah.
Dude.
Four days of that.
Do you go no dump?
I heard it doesn't...
I didn't shit for four days.
Oh, okay.
I didn't shit.
I mean, again, I wasn't eating much.
I couldn't really eat.
Every time I took a bite or swallowed something, my ears would pop, and then a
little bit
of mucus would just forcefully burst out of my nose, out of the tube.
It was truly hellish.
Let me see.
The swelling's already down a little from yesterday.
No, it's down big time.
Yeah.
But dude, they gave me Tramadol.
Didn't shit for four days.
Then I was like, I was like, all right, I'm done.
Yeah, you don't shit.
I don't shit at all, dude.
Yeah.
And then I thought it was going to be like, all right, here...
I was thinking of the scene from Trainspotting where he stops doing heroin and
just blows
it out.
Dude, I pushed a tree branch out of my ass.
I pushed my ass on the fifth day.
I was just like, ah!
McKeebree was one of those.
Oh, really?
Yeah, McKeebree was on pain pills from something, and he had to go to the
hospital.
For his turd?
He was like, my stomach is fucked up.
Something's wrong.
No.
And they did like a fucking sonogram on a football in his butt.
He had to dump out in front of like a hot nurse.
He had to go to the bathroom.
He said it looked like a bundle of oranges.
Oh, no.
He just dropped cannonballs in front of this lady.
Dropping the football's tough, dude.
He fumble rooski.
Dude, I've had the pigskin a couple times, dude.
You get the football-shaped dump.
It rips your butt.
You spot.
Dude, it's so good, dude.
It's worth it.
It's so good, dude.
It's well worth the pain, dude.
The pleasure far outweighs the pain.
It sucks our modern technology.
I love like women give birth.
I love to drop a football on a field just so I could squat and go back out to
collecting nuts, dude.
Oh, dude.
If you knew you had a football, dropping it outside would be so fucking funny,
dude.
Just putting it on a sidewalk so people would be like, oh my, what the fuck was
that?
Who did this?
Have you tasted a football recently?
Like a football turd.
Like a fully...
I'm trying to think.
I mean...
The first one I saw one was in high school.
A guy dropped a football janitor and had to come and break it up with a fucking
stick.
It was the funniest thing in the world.
School janitor is the fucking gig, dude.
Oh, it was the best.
That's a gig.
Dude, it's...
Our dude would smoke weed.
Wood chips on puke.
Just elementary school kids just puking and shitting and pissing all day.
Yeah, that's...
And you're just some drunk.
Yeah.
That's like, fuck.
Like, ew, it's disgusting.
There's the wood chips out.
These kids are throwing up.
But yeah...
They're like security guards for construction.
They just like look at a toilet and they're like, we're going to call a
contractor.
Just call...
It's like you call the police.
You're like, yeah, we need...
We definitely need a contractor.
We need the guy to come in.
Yeah, they do.
They clean up like puke and turds and then like mop up.
All day.
It's a sick fucking gig.
Mopping is the finest gig.
Mopping is so fucking...
When the kids finally leave, all the fucking...
Oh.
All those little punks get out of there.
Vacuum up.
A couple of them call you losers.
The bad kids are like, nice job, you fucking janitor.
Although that's the vicious circle.
Those are the...
Yeah, true.
Those janitors become, you know, the bad kids become the janitor.
Yeah.
And then the janitor has kids and he's an alcoholic and he just has bad kids.
Yep.
That is the vicious cycle.
It's the same family.
I bet you...
Yeah.
You know how you can like cite...
Every president goes all the way back to the same like king?
Yep.
I bet every janitor's kids come from one janitor.
Yeah.
What do you think of that?
It's like the house of Atreus, dude.
It really is.
Sorry, I had to shoehorn that in there.
I'm all right with it.
They're talking about generational curses and it was exactly like that.
It was like your great-great-grandfather would like chop up someo