Name: Ep 458 - Sparkle and Play (feat. Billy)
Uploaded: 2023-09-07T18:23:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 458 - Sparkle and Play (feat. Billy)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 458 - Sparkle and Play (feat. Billy)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-07. Transcript available.

Ep 458 - Sparkle and Play (feat. Billy)

Wow, wow, Wes.
All right, we'll see.
This is it.
No, this is it.
We just put out hour 43 of work support, dude.
That was work support.
Hour 43, work support.
Bros talking, having fun.
Yeah, that's it.
That's comedy now.
I can't think of new jokes.
All I can think of is, isn't it funny when the cat's driving a car?
Yeah.
Explaining memes is good.
I did explain a YouTube video at the beginning of the special.
The one kid did it when we were watching the stand-up.
What?
Remember the one kid just explained a meme when we were watching Philly's Funniest?
Yes.
That was fucking crazy.
Dude literally just explained a meme for five minutes.
Hilarious.
That's also the thing that sucks is everybody's making jokes.
There's a meme about every single fucking joke.
Yeah, true.
Somebody's made a meme.
Dude, now they're doing the little kids doing stand-up.
Now they're doing a little kid who's doing podcasting,
and it makes me never want to do podcasts again.
That's got to be nice, actually.
That one kid giving financial advice.
He's like, you don't want to be trapped in a nine-to-five life.
Yeah.
It's like, what's this little bro yapping about?
Yeah, also, I don't think he's ever...
Is he allowed to work?
No.
I don't think he can even work a nine-to-five.
No, he cannot.
Look, part-time summer jobs are not the way to go.
Yeah.
That's all you can talk about.
It's like Baby Gronk.
Baby Gronk is going to LSU.
Do you know about Baby Gronk?
Who?
Baby Gronk.
Was that his son or something?
No, it's not his son.
It's just some fucking, like, kind of Hispanic kid whose dad is, like, making
him say shit.
Making him pretend to say shit about being good at football.
Yeah.
Just a large kid.
They're calling him Baby Gronk?
His dad calls him Baby Gronk.
I think he looks like shit, dude.
If I was his age, I would have pancaked that fucking kid.
You think so?
And then I would have rizzed up Lizzy.
I was, like, 4'10 in fucking third grade.
I would have rizzed Lizzy.
Oh, he's that little?
Oh, he was, yeah.
He's pretty big.
I think he'd give you the business.
That's nice, though.
To make your kid, like, go viral early on.
Baby Gronk would get pancaked by Shane Gillis.
Shane Gillis, rizz, Lizzy, Libby, dude.
That's why I know I'm on the wrong path.
If I start looking up shit and it's just an Indian automated voice explaining
it, I'm like, ah, fuck.
Ah, dude.
I give those videos a chance, too.
The new BlackBerry Keynote is coming out next August.
You have a very good Indian accent.
Only fucking Dr. Boobs.
That's because you're bothering those guys.
You fight those guys.
Hello, dear friends.
It's Dr. Boobs.
Whatever happened to Dr. Boobs?
Dude, they kicked him off fucking, uh, what the hell was he on?
Anchor.
They wouldn't pay him any fucking money.
Really?
Anchor doesn't pay me money.
Dude, how about that guy, you know, that's getting kicked off Billy Fowl's pop
squads?
Holy fuck.
Guys that bust pedophiles?
Oh, I'd say the one?
Yes.
The one guy's getting the platform.
He's like slapping pedophiles in the face.
Shamundi.
They're taking him off of, uh, what?
Instagram?
But I think he's on X.
I think he's still allowed on X.
He's allowed to slap pedophiles on X.
And on fucking Rumble.
That is a dangerous gig, dude.
One of those guys should shoot him.
What?
If I was a pedophile?
Oh, that's good.
Yeah, there's a new bit I've been working on.
What?
You guys are going to like this.
If I were?
Uh, no, there were just cops pulled up while we were filming.
Mm-hmm.
Just two cops pulled up to the front of the thing.
Like, we had to stop.
And I was like, well, this is it.
Fellas, there's something I got to tell you.
I'm addicted to child pornography.
I had a feeling one day the authorities were going to get me.
Looks like this is it.
Just take out a gun and be like, all right, you guys have all been pretty cool.
You've kind of been a piece of shit.
You're coming with me?
No, dude.
That's the fucking.
That is the move of the, um, the mall shooter.
What?
Remember the dude outside he was obsessed with Danny Phantom and shot up the
mall?
Yes.
Or shot up the, uh, grocery store?
Yes.
There's the.
Yes, he did the fucking.
You're cool.
It's the worst.
Yeah.
Like, the one chick he took out, it's in the note.
What was his paper there?
He hated his manager, so he shot all these people in the night crew.
He just said he was going to be.
But he's like, Victoria, you've done nothing wrong, but you just got to go.
And shot her twice.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's a fancy thought.
It's the most infuriating.
It's a documentary on this whole.
Oh, it's crazy.
He was like an internet guy.
He was a YouTuber.
So he was like, yeah.
He was obsessed with Danny Phantom.
He thought he was a cartoon.
He thought he was going to be reincarnated as a cartoon character.
Cartoon ghost girl.
He wanted to be a ghost girl.
I get it.
I get the appeal.
I can see that.
I can understand shooting up a grocery store and thinking, I'm coming back as a
ghost
girl.
I am going to be a cartoon on a show.
Well, it's got to be crazy.
My sweet Jeebles had a crush on Danny Phantom.
To be schizophrenic now, you have so much more stuff to draw from.
It's got to seem like much more real.
Yes.
I mean, people are paying attention to me.
Huh?
Imagine being schizophrenic with an Oculus on your head.
You were just having fucking social media, dude.
That's fucking crazy.
You say a thing, a guy likes it, and you're like, he knows exactly the message
on the secret
code I'm putting out.
We get DMs from Drew.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Some schizophrenic people will hit you up, and they can DM anybody now.
They hit me up, and I'm like, fuck, dude.
I should go to church.
I got hit.
The schizophrenic crushed me on Twitter today.
They'll get you, man.
I got, it was a tweet, and it was like, I'm usually, I hate to say this, I'm
never wrong
about this.
I can tell by the way Shane's breathing, something tragic is coming soon.
He's going to have congestive heart failure soon.
I was like, all right, I'm done searching my name today.
He's got, yeah, it was like, I could tell by his breathing.
It's like James Gandolfini.
I was like, what the fuck, dude?
I don't think it's that bad.
Everyone's either a psychologist or a health fucking professional.
That's so funny, though, to wake up in the morning and be like, yeah, he's
bipolar manic.
Let's see how the fucking reviews are.
Let's see what the reviews are for the special.
It's like, I can tell he's going to have a heart attack.
His time on earth is limited.
It's like, I hate this.
I don't want to say this because I love him, but I can tell there's a tragedy
coming.
I was like, far out.
That's a good way to start.
I'm going to go get some coffee.
That's actually one of the hugest compliments you can get, though.
What's that?
One of the best things a person can do in your position is to die tragically
and become mythic.
Yes.
So basically, that's just a nice way.
Yeah.
That's a nice way of him being like, man, this guy's great.
He's a woman.
Oh, that's even better.
She's even more connected to the future.
Oh, they're even more.
Yeah, they are more psychic.
That was like a wild death nag.
She's just trying to fuck you.
That is a nice...
He's trying to fuck you.
Obviously, it's a death nag, and I did whack off.
It did work.
No, I thought about that legend death on the flight home.
The day the special came out, I was like, plane crash today would make me truly
immortal.
What's that?
Should have bought a white lighter.
What do you mean?
That's why all the fucking famous rock stars die with white lighters?
No, I'm going to get more.
Yeah.
27 Club lore.
Yeah.
I don't feel like coming up with a new hour.
I'd rather just fucking...
Just fucking get child porn on your phone and get caught.
No, no, no.
And kill yourself live on...
No, that's a bad idea.
Colorado Pet Patrol.
No, what you do is just go out, and for the rest of your tours you have booked,
it's just
a meet and greet.
Just a meet and greet.
Just a meet and greet.
Dudes do that.
I know.
It's their final tour.
I know.
And then come back.
I saw that with...
It's a meet and greet farewell tour.
It's a meet and greet tour.
It's already all paid for.
Who's the dude from Christmas Vacation?
SNL dude.
Chevy Chase.
Chevy Chase.
He does that.
I saw him in AC.
I was there for my cousin's mom...
Or my buddy's mom's birthday.
What?
He did stand-up?
He didn't do stand-up, he just did a fucking Christmas Vacation, chill-out sesh,
meet and
greet, say hi to his wife.
It was very chill.
It was packed.
Meet and greet's literally the worst part of stand-up.
True.
I don't mean that like a shitty way against meeting people.
It's just you don't want to meet 3,000 people.
It's uncomfortable to meet 500 people in a night.
And take a compliment over and over again.
Take a compliment over and over, and then an occasional just stray, incredibly
mean
thing.
Yeah, what the hell?
Just like, yeah, I liked your first special better.
This one, you could tell you were trying too hard.
Something just fucking insane.
Thank you.
They're like, dude, thanks for coming to Michigan, you fucking fat piece of
shit.
Ha ha ha.
You're gay.
I was in a football camp in eighth grade and did that.
What?
I looked at one of the star players on the high school team, I could take you.
That's a joke, and I never thought of ever saying anything to anyone again.
I'll never approach.
You said that to the guy?
Just as a joke, I looked him up, he was way bigger than me.
I was like, ah, I could take you.
I still do that.
That's a fun joke.
It was a fun joke.
That's how I got in the fucking triangle with Rogies.
It's fun to do that to people, to be like, yo, I'm bad.
I didn't even know who the fuck he was.
I'm definitely, yeah.
I'll tell you what, Rogies bodyguards did not love my ribbing after the podcast.
I was doing it to them, too.
I was like, you guys are lucky I don't beat your guys' ass to them.
Oh, they hate fucking around.
They did not like it.
Yeah, they don't like that kind of stuff.
I was like, you understand the joke is that I have no shot.
What were they saying?
Were they just being like, yeah, man.
That's like trying to horse around with a fucking canine, dude.
Yeah, but the one guy, I'm friends with them.
I've hung out with them 30 times.
You know me, bro.
I was like, bro, you guys know me.
It's something absurd wrong.
Are you guys mad at me?
I'm absurd and raunchy.
Yeah, dude.
No, it could be time to get the plane crash ready.
Don't bring out the plane crash.
Puddle jumper.
Not as chill.
Not as chill?
No, I'm saying just chill and reset.
Yeah, plane crash is not as chill.
I'm not going to chill and reset.
Car crash, dude.
The only way I'm coming over the new hour is like, sports car.
Obviously.
Get a fucking new car that has like a smart car technology and Paul walk out.
No, I can't chill.
Get that shit Jamie Foxx had and just have like a mystery disease for like six
months.
The goat is Norm Macdonald.
Yeah.
Nine years of fucking blood cancer.
Yeah.
Dead silence.
Yeah.
That is the way to do it.
One day everyone gets a text like, yeah, dude, fucking cancer.
You shouldn't tell anybody you have that.
That was a beast trip, dude.
The second I'm getting, I tell everybody if I get a cold.
True.
Well, I told, I told everybody about my stubbed pinky toe.
True.
There's no way I'm keeping cancer to myself.
Did he keep it to himself?
Do I have cancer?
Strictly?
Yeah.
Adam Eget said he didn't know.
Damn.
And Eget was like his bro.
And he just was like.
Yeah.
That's a tight way to handle it, though.
Yeah.
Just be like not telling anyone.
Yeah.
We knew.
I don't know.
Did you work for Brez?
Yeah.
Yeah, dude.
He, this guy did it with a brain tumor.
Just kept it quiet.
Yeah.
You told me this one.
Beast it out.
Yeah.
Just beast.
Completely.
Didn't tell anyone.
Beast it out.
Went for the surgery.
Died on the table.
Yeah.
The minute something would inconvenience me.
Easier for you to say you don't have fucking brain cancer.
I'd be, yeah.
Start tearing up.
Yeah.
I only have a few fuckin